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Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

(859 Posts)
whereismumhiding Thu 16-Apr-09 01:34:47

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

ChippingIn Thu 16-Apr-09 01:55:22

(((HUG)))

Of course you are in bits. It's a horrible, horrible situation to be in.

To be completely honest, I don't think he will come back. He left, he came back, he tried working on it and now he is talking about buying a place to live in, has decided how often he will see the kids, he's admitting he lied to you (with good intent though I believe, trying to make it work, kind of 'fake it till you make it', not to be horrible).

There is a slim, very slim, chance that he's having an earlyish mid-life crisis and will see that the grass isn't greener on the other side, will miss you and the kids and will beg to come back.... but really, it's slim. You have to deal with this as it is now. Do things that are right for you and the children and don't try to impress him or do things that are only part of a plan to 'get him back'.

It is devastating & gut wrenching. It just pulls the floor right from beneath you.

I wish I was your friend in RL so I could be there for you.

All I can say is that it does get better, you will get past this - even though right now it doesn't feel that way.

ChippingIn Thu 16-Apr-09 02:14:27

whereismumhiding - I hope you are getting some sleep. Sorry I can't stay anymore, I need to get some sleep 'See' you in the morning.

(((HUG)))

Tortington Thu 16-Apr-09 03:02:38

where is he living?

is he fully aware of the financial situation - who pays what - who lives where - who is entitled to what? are you?

please for the love of god don't cry around him - it means nothing to them.

get hard figures and facts and remind him that he's not the only one having a new life and that his children will one day have another man in their life - as will you.

i mean - all i'm saying is that he might have deluded dreams of a batchelor pad and a busty fuckbuddy who does oral on tap...it might be pertinant to remind him that he will have to contribute to the running of two households, he is likley to be - as skint if not more so as he is now.
he will be having the kids at weekends - so his fuckbuddy is out of the question
meanwhile you might mean MR fannyflutter and have raucus sex - and i think that men forget that - that you wont be at home knitting and baking and catering to children all the time - there will come a time where his current wife is going to get her arse screwed off by another man ...let him think about that.

DeathbyDora Thu 16-Apr-09 03:51:37

Gosh I'm so so sorry. I had a bombshell dropped on me too once, my other half up and left in record time, I think it was the same day in fact! We didn't have children so I can only imagine the confusion and pain you are going through right now.

Agree with ChippingIn that it really doesn't look like he will suddenly run back with open arms.

The problem with this type of situation is that the person doing the leaving has generally had time (and the luxury) to think the situation through and come to terms with their decision, so it can often feel like everything suddenly became so final so quickly for the person being left behind. At least that was my experience. That does seem like a rather brutal explanation to such young children though.

Things will get better, even if it's hard to imagine right now. Just lean on your friends and take it one day at a time.
Sending you a big hug.
xx

ClaudiaSchiffer Thu 16-Apr-09 03:56:25

How utterly shocking for you. You poor darling, no wonder you are in pieces, your whole life has rather been whizzed from beneath your feet.

It does sound rather final that he has told the kids and has moved out. Where to btw? With friends? I know it must be terribly hard but I wouldn't hold out much hope for him coming home in the near future. Of course I have no idea of his intentions, but it's just going to be VERY painful for you to keep hoping that he will see sense and come home.

Custado has some very good points re the financials, running two homes is very expensive. Go and see a solicitor and see how much he has to pay for you and your children. He will be paying for them for a LONG time - has he taken all of this into account?

This will be a difficult time for you, aint no use denying it. BUT you will get though it and come out stronger. Let your RL friends help, they sound like good people to be around. Poor you. Look after yourself.

HappyWoman Thu 16-Apr-09 07:42:49

do get some legal help - soon. He may have half thought it through and has justified only giving you the bare minimum to survive, whereas in reality he may have to support you for a very long time.

I had a friend who thought the grass was greener - no one else involved and the kids grown up - she moved out to her 'new' life. She hated it after just one week. Her h with the support of friends made some new ones fairly fast (one of them being female). My friend was devistated and begged and begged to come back (it took a long time but they are now back together).

It will be hard for you but dont let him call all the shots now - you seek some finacial and legal advice to protect you and the dc (if he can up and leave, he can clear the bank account).

You will get through this.

Sparkletastic Thu 16-Apr-09 07:55:15

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Your DH does sound like he's being rather cold but as DeathbyDora said he's had the luxury of time to think his decision through but his desire to try and make it work (or emotional cowardice depending on how you look at it) has denied you time to adjust more gradually. He may be making a mistake, he may come back, or he may be selfishly wanting to live a single life with only limited 'daddy' time. Don't focus on what he may or may not do. Instead try and regain some control of the situation by getting some legal and financial advice. Do you have a family member or friend that might come and stay for a while to help with the DCs whilst you get yourself sorted?

whatdoyouallthink Thu 16-Apr-09 08:07:20

whereismumhiding, Im so sorry for you and your dc. I cant offer you any advice really as going through a similar thing myself right now. My h told me we was trying but was seeing his ow still all the time. I found out over easter weekend too. Ive hardly heard from him since I found out and know he is bombarding the ow with texts and phonecalls(50+texts a day!)

I know you must feel sick to the pit of your stomach I know I do. I find it hard just to get out of bed in the morning and then there is my 3 dc to look after too(they are 8,4 and 5 months)

HappyWoman has some good advice and has given me some great tips on my thread('he said we was 'trying' but still seeing the ow') Do get legal advice when you feel upto it, a letter from a solicitor may make him wake up to the reality of it all. Like you my head tells me my h wont come back and I really dont think we could move on from our problems now but part of me is still holding out that he will realise what a idiot his been and come knocking my door down begging me to let him back-reality though I cant see that happening. Accept help from your friends, mine have been great where the dc are concerned.

I just wanted you to know I know how you feel so much rings true with me with your post (including the rewriting of our lives). Concentrate on your dc and as people keep telling me you will get through it-although it doesnt feel like that sometimes does it. Lots of hugs to you and your dc.

norksinmywaistband Thu 16-Apr-09 08:17:16

The same thing happenened to me 7-8 weeks ago, H left as he said he didn't love me. Moved out to stay with friends and now has his own flat.

DO get legal advice it was the best descision for me, it does not mean you need to proceed, but they have all the details on file and can advise on finacial things as well. The best advice I had was for H to pay mortgage direct and then I can claim benefit as I would not have been able to otherwise.

You will get through this, I too felt little was wrong in our relationship, but have now emerged as a strong(ish, still working on that bit) independant woman.

If you asked me 6 weeks ago if I would take hi back I would have said yes definately. He now wants to come back( following independant counselling and seeing the new me which he likes) But I am now not so sure, TBH it scares the hell out of me but I need to make the right descision for me and the DC.

For now, get your finances sorted and take care of you,
Do you have any family close by to look after the DC while you have a couple of hours to yourself, I know that is the hardest thing with small DC trying to find thinking space

Supercherry Thu 16-Apr-09 08:43:09

Whereismumhiding, he is nothing but a coward, he has deserted you when you have PND and abandoned his 3 young children. What kind of man does that make him?

All you can do now is concentrate on you and your children. Go to a solicitor and get the practical side of things arranged. Though you will be grieving, don't show him this. Turn to your friends and family. Maybe get some counselling if you're not already. Keep yourself busy, when he has the kids at the wknd arrange something nice for you to do. Put on a brave face.

If you really want him to want to come back you have to be strong and aloof. Avoid talking to him as much as possible. Have a friend with you when he comes to collect the kids.

I hope he realises the mistake he has made- you say you have 3 beautiful children- he has chosen the single life over this??? It's sad and pathetic. He will lose out, not you.

I hope that when he realises his mistake that you will be strong enough to tell him that you don't want him anymore.

countingto10 Thu 16-Apr-09 09:17:49

Oh god my heart is bleeding for you too. My H upped and left about 4 weeks ago. Have 4 (16, 9,6 & 4)DCs (2 with ASD) and my 16 yr old about to take his GCSEs. Our lives were hard (money/business problems etc) but I thought we were solid, obviously not. He said he couldn't cope with me and the family - had to sort himself out and the business and that was that. Everyone was stunned, family friends etc. I couldn't function, mum taking kids to school etc. On diazepam for a week, hyperventilating etc. Lost a stone in weight in 2 weeks. It was/is utter, utter shite. But everyone rallied round (my brother wanted to lump him!).

And hey, 4 weeks down the line and I'm getting angry (have been a single mum before) and I've been lurking on here (wanting to post and not knowing where to start. I'm determined to let him know exactly what he is missing, turn back into the women I used to be and get on with my life. My friend said is was best to assume he wasn't coming back otherwise you would be always waiting/hoping. I'm starting next week with a new hairdo.

My H took his wedding ring off as soon as he went (which hurt like hell) just to prove to me it was over. I'm hoping he is going to go to a psychologist because somethings have come out in the last couple weeks (that he has never mentioned before) and I think he has had a bit of a breakdown.

You do start to feel better with time honestly and you have good days and bad days (one day at a time and all that) but I am determined he is not going to break me.

I'll be watching this thread carefully to see how we are both coping. Lots of hugs.

I have never cried so much in my life as I have over the last weeks as I love/adore(d) my husband.

lilyHari Thu 16-Apr-09 10:24:05

I just want to send you a big hug. xx

pramspotter Thu 16-Apr-09 10:33:12

I don't like the sound of this guy. IMHO one of the worst things a man can do to his kids is not love their mother.

I think a lot of these men just love the idea of a single life more than they love their kids. They make all sorts of excuses about the state of their marriage etc etc to justify the fact that they want to be out chasing women more than they want to take care of their families. They try to justify this by imagining that their wife has all these character flaws and deserves to be left.

Telling the kids that he "doesn't love mummy anymore" was a big no no no. It gives a window into his soul that is not pretty. He might as well have said "daddy would rather be free of you all so that he can play around and do what he wants". That would have been the truth at least. But like many men, he cannot be truthful with himself or anyone else. His cock and his own selfish needs are in control but he will never admit that even to himself.

I would never abandon my kids' father. Not even if he had a massive stroke tomorrow and became demented and incontinant and needed 24 hour care. I would still love him more than anyone else and want to be with him more than anyone else because he is my children's father and nothing in the world could tempt me away from that. It's called being an adult who puts her family first.

Don't beat yourself up OP. This isn't your fault. Your OH is just being selfish. I don't even know the guy but if he is telling his kids that he is moving out because he doesn't love mummy anymore then that shows that he has serious problems. And men like this do "rewrite" your lives together and act like your relationship was all just a big, miserable mistake. They do this to try and justify their own shit selfish behaviour.

whereismumhiding Thu 16-Apr-09 22:48:29

Thank-you all for your kind messages, I am reading them as they are written. Chippingin it was so lovely to have someone up in the night chatting with me, I was so touched to be sent a hug!! I couldnt sleep last night but went to bed about 3 feeling a bit less alone. I'm feeling a bit more positive today, had reams of friends come over today in progression to keep me company (not that I'm talking much). A bit of women power tho!!

I'm starting to feel angry at him now. He told me he was thinking last night that he uses the childrens savings to pay a deposit on a flat for him instead of renting, as it will be cheaper (for him) than renting. He said "We" could pay it back from the equity in the house (really there's probably not much left given the houseprice fall) when we sell it. I cant even begin to think about these things, I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact my DH has left us.

The childrens savings are in a cash isa in his name and I have some of our savings in a cash isa in mine (much less) (the rest of our savings was in a joint saver instant access account which hasnt much in there now). But it is all their birthday money etc & all the child benefit from when my son was first born 7 years ago that I was paid for them, which went into our bank acc then standing ordered each month into the isa in his name for them. We were going to divide it up into individual accounts when they were old enough to have a building soc account each (I was thinking when eldest was 8 or so).

I cant believe he would even consider touching their money. I understand legally he can. BELIEVE ME if I had ever in a million years thought he would ever even dream of leaving us I would NEVER have let their money go into an account in his or even joint names. He seemed so totally trust worthy, we were close friends from the age of 17 for 8 years before we got together 14 years ago. He only told me he was leaving on Sunday. By Monday morning he's told the children- Pramspotter I'm glad you said what you did about the words he used, I hadnt thought of it that way - and then by Wed he's talking about taking their money to use on a property for him. I'm not sure we can even afford to keep this house where our children live from getting into arrears. I just want some stability for my DC while things settle down and we can start making longer term plans. He seems to want to have everything set up how he wants it to suit his "new life" straight away.

I dont think there is another woman, although that would make sense. I think, sadly, that this is actually all DH himself. I'm going to find a solicitor tomorrow for some advice. I'm waiting for a friend to give the name of a really tough one as it will balance out with how soft hearted I tend to be. Not feeling like I'd want him back now.

lorry12 Thu 16-Apr-09 23:15:00

So so sorry to hear your news. My father has just left my mother for another woman after 41 years of marriage. We are trying to support her as best we can but it's tough. Good luck, hug to you and your children.

Gillyan Thu 16-Apr-09 23:52:35

Just want to give u a hug also xx

solidgoldshaggingbunnies Fri 17-Apr-09 00:09:38

Have you anything at all in writing about the fact that the money in this account was being saved for the children? Or, if not in writing, do other people in the family know about it? Because otherwise it is possible that he will simply take the money, if he wants to - if there is evidence that it was for the children you may be able to prevent him from touching it.
Do get good legal advice ASAP. While it's not possible to force someone into remaining in a relationship they no longer want, deciding to leave a partner doesn't give the person who is leaving the right to asset-strip the whole family to fund their own lifestyle.

pramspotter Fri 17-Apr-09 00:26:21

That's right OP get angry. Just take care of yourself too. Who knows if there is an another woman or not. Maybe he just needs space and wants to be away from relationships for awhile. But watch out and remember this:

Nothing will encourage a man to loathe humilate, and destroy the woman who has loved him for the last decade and abandon his babies and take their money like the lure of a fresh piece of meat will.

I have seen men who seemed like good guys turn like this. They are married for years to a woman whom they describe as the best woman in the world, the perfect wife etc etc. Then someone new comes along and tempts them. All of the sudden they forget all the good about their wives and only see her faults whilst only seeing good in the OW despite her faults. Children can sense it and feel it when their mums suffer and they suffer too. If he hurts the mum then he hurts her young children too, even if mum puts on a brave face and does her best to protect the kids.

Take care. Women are stronger because we always have to put the kids first no matter what.

junglist1 Fri 17-Apr-09 11:17:14

Sorry you are going through this, what a shock. It doesn't seem fair at all does it. Sending best wishes to you and LO's, you WILL get through this, whatever happens

DawnAS Fri 17-Apr-09 11:53:53

So sorry that this has happened to you.

My DSis left her husband back in August last year after she had a couple of affairs. We all struggled to come to terms with it and were very disappointed in her as they have a four year old daughter.

I warned her that she would regret it and that he wouldn't sit around moping and waiting for her to change her mind, that he would move on.

My DSis is now with someone else, who is much younger and certainly not ready to be a Father figure and she's really miserable, but her DXH has met someone else also and they are expecting a baby. Something that my DSis really wanted and is now missing out on. She regrets leaving her DXH every day but it's too late. He's moved on.

So, what I'm trying to say is, it is highly likely that at some point your H (I didn't want to put DH), will regret his actions. But you need to get all the emotional and practical support now that you need to start moving on for you and your DC. One day a much less selfish man will come along and make your dreams come true. Until then, it will be tough, but you will get there and be happy again.

Sending you much love and hugs, for you and your DC. Do also remember that you will have the distraction of your DC to keep you going, he will have memories, good ones, of family life and will just be staring at four walls. It might not feel like it now, but you are the winner out of this.

Look after yourself. Make sure you try and eat and get some sleep, maybe get some medical help with that if needs be. Unfortunately you are the one that needs to be strong for all of you... But us women are great at that and you will be too!! Take a little time to grieve, but keep those friends rallying around and you will get through.

xxxx

mankymummy Fri 17-Apr-09 12:02:04

Well i would have a couple of things to say to that "man".

Firstly what right does he have to create sadness and instability in his children by telling him he doesnt love mummy anymore? What a selfish thoughtless thing to do. What exactly was the point in him saying that to them?

And secondly, ok if he doesnt want to be with you thats his choice. But how he can consider taking his childrens money to fund his "new life" I have no idea.

If he's so adamant he wants to be on his own fine, but he manages on his own too... not by stealing his childrens financial future.

And as for you both paying it back... WTF?! He gets the sole use of the money and yet you have to contribute to repaying it?

What a complete arsehole.

OrmIrian Fri 17-Apr-09 12:09:25

He stole your DC's money shock And expected that would just be OK...

God, what a arse angry

whereismumhiding Fri 17-Apr-09 19:05:02

He hasn't stolen it yet, but he told me he was thinking of using it. He knows I think it would be unforgivable so I hope he reconsiders "his options". I can't control any of that.
But thanks SGSB I will look to see if we have anything in writing at any point or if I can get him to put it in an email somehow that it is actually their money not his or "ours". Yes, family members, godparents and some friends and the children themselves (well at least the eldest DS) all know it was the childrens’ money put in a mini isa in DH's name and how much was in there, as I've been quite open about it when people give us money for the children. (Sad but I'm a bit like that!) I do think his family would be disgusted with him if he used it, but whether they would say anything is another matter. I’m realizing that I can’t rely on this new version of DH to do the right thing.

Anyway, feeling bit better today. I've had a lot less to have to do without him living with us. Had more friends rallying round today as well, and I’m trying to pace myself in telling people as it’s all a bit much because it’s like re-experiencing it each time I do. One of his friends came round today with kids and told me that he wasn’t that close to DH (which was a surprise to me as I thought he was one of his closest friends, perhaps that’s men for you). He said DH doesnt confide in him so he was incredibly stunned to hear “our” news. I didn’t really want to talk about it with his friend so I just said I was coping when he asked how I was.

So today, things are strange. I'm just responding practically to things I need to do for the children. I can't even begin to let this sink in for me. And the future I thought DH and I had together with our family. I'm on my own now and I can't quite get my head round that. But my shoulders feel light today for some reason.

whereismumhiding Fri 17-Apr-09 19:08:14

By the way, it's helping me to have other mum's views. I was thinking, maybe this is what people do normally, maybe I was mad for wondering what the hell he was doing abandonning his family. I havent done anything wrong. It's not like I've had an affair, been unkind to him or not been a loving good wife and good mother. He even says that to me. FFS WHAT have I done that is SO terrible to do this to me and the DC?????!!!!!!

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