Should we keep trying? (Long)

[alismummy]

I met my partner 2 months after breaking up from a violent 5 year relationship. I was angry and bitter and had no self esteem. Although not physically attracted to my partner, he was a good listener and a kind person. I dont believe in love at first sight and thought it would grow. (That was what my parents relationship was like) After 1 and a half years,i got pregnant and he seemed really happy about that and so was I. I had an awful delivery (c section and blood tranfusion) for which I was offered counselling. I didnt take it as I wanted to forget and focus on the baby.

When ds was a week old we had an argument stemming from the fact that i'd asked for a hug and he was too tired to hug. i got cross (i was very tired and emotional). I went to feed the baby and he followed me to the nursery screaming 'i hate you, you've ruined my life'. The next incident was when ds was 6 months old, i went to stay with my mum for 5 days. She lives in the countryside which i love. I was really happy for the first time since ds was born. When my partner picked me up he kept saying the baby had changed and this couldn't happen again (me going away). The complaining continued all night and morning and i didnt rise to it but i did say that he hadnt changed much in just 5 days and to stop talking to me like he talked to his mother (Bit silly really as he is fine with her). I went downstairs, he followed me holding the baby and walked me up to the wall screaming,'i hate you, iam going to kill you'. When he went to work I left. He was very sorry, admitted he was trying to intimidate me, we have been trying to work things out, but when he is calm i do test him, by not accepting his apology and he tests me. Last time he said that he doesnt love me anymore, wishes he had never given me my son calls me a slag, says I cant do anything. But then when he is calm he says he didnt mean it,I'm not a slag and he did want our baby, its just because he was wound up. The last time this happened, it was in front of my poor ds.I called the police because I was scared, I couldnt leave as I was in my pyjamas, feeding the baby. I feel so bad for my ds, I'm so tired it is a struggle to do anything other than practical stuff (cook, change him etc). My partner is in and out the house, he is helping with housework and providing money, my mum is here till tues. I am dreading her going. My partner and I have agreed to go to Relate, for the sake of our son. I guess my question is this mumsnetters- Did anyone ever go through something like this and how did it turn out? Thanks.

[Chandra]

I have not had exactly that experience but there had been several threads about this before. I remember the general consensus was that it was not worth it to stay, he's undermining your self-esteem. Obviously he has a problem and rather than recognising that he has some issues to sort up is blaming you for his own personal problems. I would try relate for the kid's sake, but if the problem doesn't change significantly I would consider leaving. Don't know if this helps but at least has bumped the thread. {{{{LOTS OF HUGS}}}}

[alismummy]

Thankyou chandra. Yes he has got issues with his dad, who was a violent man but just says he doesnt care about his dad.

[tammybear]

alismummy, u sound a lot like me. i was with dd's father, and then i asked him to leave, and then went straight into another relationship with xdp. he use to say the same to me, and only now that im out of the relationship i can really see him and how he was with me, trying to intimidate me and control me. most of this was due to his insecurities. xdp had the problem, but didnt want to address it, which is what your dp is doing, as he blames it on just being wound up. maybe so, but his attitude towards you isnt right, especially in front of your ds. hopefully, relate will make him see this, and hopefully things will get better for you.

[alismummy]

Thankyou tammybear. Are you happy now? I ask because I am a bit scared of going it alone, but I am prepared to do it if it is better for my son.

[tammybear]

definetly, i am actually quite happy being single, although i do miss having the odd hug and kiss, but those i can get from dd, although maybe not quite the kiss i had in mind

you have to do whats best for yourself and your ds. i use to moan about xdp on here a lot, and most mumsnetters said i should leave him, but i didnt. wish i had listened to them sooner. but i do think giving relate a go is a good idea. i wish my xdp could see him how i see him now, but i dont think he ever will.

[alismummy]

Aah tammybear. My baby's kisses are the very best kind. Do you still like your xdp? As a friend mean?

[alismummy]

That should say 'As a friend i mean'

[tammybear]

well it was a bit of a nasty break up, started with him wanting to break up with me, calling me every name under the sun, threatening to kill me and everything else. then he wanted to get back with me, but i came to my senses (thank god). he then got angry with me and we didnt really speak for about a month. he rang me last week as i owe him money, and he said he wanted us to be friends but then had to cut the call short as he was going out with his new DP.

he texted me last week and we just said about whats new and whats been happening, then he started asking if ive missed him and then he started being the arrogant b***d that he is, and then a few days later he accused me of not being civil to him and that he now cant be arsed to my friend or be dd's godfather. but im now at a point of not wanting to be friends with him. of course if he was dd's father, id try and make a point of being friends with him, which im only just starting to do now with dd's actual father after a year and a half! its quite weird cos 2 years ago today was when me and xdp started talking

[alismummy]

God we have picked some complex characters. I am reading an excellent book called 'personal power through awareness'. It is helping me move forward. If you are into that sort of thing I can recommend it.

[tammybear]

ive got 2 books im reading at the moment, the little book of confidence, and the other is something like dare to connect. talks about how to be confident in relationships and not just necessarily loving relationships