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So F*@ked off, why am i still here??

(17 Posts)
Hermione1 Sun 24-Apr-05 08:12:05

I think the best thing to do would be start at the beginning and warn you in advance its gonna be long. I married DH not long after i met him, i fell pregga not long after meeting him ( i gave him the option to leave if he wanted to). WE moved down near my parents and dh worked at a garage not earning much money etc. When dd1 was about 5/6 months he changed jobs and was much better paid, we had more money than we were used to. Dh got credit cards(lodes of them) and went really stupid on them ( I did too, but at the time didn't realise what we owed). Then we brought a new house and all the credit cards etc just got too much to pay, so we went to a debt management company. Money has been the problem with us. He has an addiction to shopping, i ask him to take £30 out the bank and he takes £60. It's really hard to budget when he lies to you constantly. I have muddled along accepting this for ages now, and last night was the last straw when i saw our bank statement. I am just so pissed off at him, he doesn't seem to care. it's me that has to deal with it, me that has to keep asking my dad for money because he's took too much out the bank, I just don't know how much longer i can go on. I love him, but he infuriates me so much. I just want him to be responsible. We have two kids and a mortgage we are up to our eyes in debt and constantly have the thought of debt collectors at our door. I really just wanna give up and walk away? Anyone else been in that situation or is it just me??

honeybunny Sun 24-Apr-05 08:31:19

Sounds like you're having a shit time. My dh had enormous debt after university, but I guess we were lucky in that he couldnt get hold of any credit cards and the bank put a limit on how much he could get out of the bank each week and kept a v tight rein on his expenditure. This was 20yrs ago now. It seems today you are positively encouraged to spend, spend, spend and worry about the consequences when its too late. Sorry not v helpful. Anyway, that was meant to say, we've been there and struggled with the penny pinching and there can be light at the end of the tunnel, if you can be disciplined. Oooh, that didnt sound much better either, sorry, I think I'm sounding totally unhelpful.
I guess you and dh have to sit down and get honest with each other about how his overspending is putting huge pressure on you, and therefore the kiddies, and work out how you can tighten up the spending. Perhaps make a visit to a financial consultant who could go through your incoming/outgoings etc. Maybe in balck and white, it would hit home to dh how much debt there is. Then you may be able to set up saving strategies and budgeting strategies to help deal with it.
HTH and good luck.

Hermione1 Sun 24-Apr-05 08:36:51

ty you are helping just listening. I hate owing money, i would like to get remortgaged and pay off the debt that way. I just read up on some stuff on bankrupcy, and it scares me to death. we have £30.000 equity in our home, so the money is there, i don't owe that much by the way. lol. but because of our credit rating it's been hard to find someone that would help.

sad36 Sun 24-Apr-05 08:42:55

I am in very similar position except thousands of £'s worse off. My husband doesn't want to work for anyone so is setting up his own business. We have no money coming in so live on credit cards, loans, debts, have remortgaged the house etc etc. He still spends spends spends. he has always had whatever he wants in life so he just carries on that way. He gets himself another credit card when his credit has run out on the others. We owe SO SO much. I am so worried, can't sleep at night etc etc. When I try to talk about it he tells me is not my problem, he will always provide for me and when the business starts up he will be earning so much it won't matter. That is n overly optimistic hope. He doesn't work very much - maybe an hour or two a day, and I don't think it will ever get off the ground. he always promised if thingsb didn't work he would get a job, but I now realise that will never happen. Plus we have such huge debts he'd never earn enough to keep our repayments up let alone pay any off. I have givn him til the end of the year but as usual these ultimatums have very little effect on him. He loves me but doesn't have any sense of responsibility to me or his DD. Just borrows more money off his dad when we have no cash. His Dad is stupid to give it to him and now has no money himself. I feel i cannot leave, firstly because I love him, and secondly because of all the debts in my name too. How would I ever manage? But I am so down (esp when he lies in bed til 10/11am while I get up at 5-6am with baby). he won't look fter her while I work because he says he has too much to do (ha ha!) and also can't cope with her on his own.
Sorry I've hijacked your thread. But chin up things could be worse!!!

compo Sun 24-Apr-05 08:51:53

I think you should suggest marriage counselling to him - that will shock him into realising there is a serious problem

MeerkatsUnite Sun 24-Apr-05 09:00:53

Hermione and Sad36,

Both of you should seriously consider contacting the Consumer Credit Counselling service. They are a charitable based organisation specifically desgined to help people like yourselves and their service is free. They can help.

You could also try the CAB but they may not be able to help in as much detail as the CCCS.

Their website address is www.cccs.co.uk

Hermione - you may have to take all of the control with regards to finances and encourage your DH to seek help re his overspending. Does he feel he has a problem?. If not, then there is not anything you can do for him until he realises that he does have a problem. He has an addiction, he is ill. I honestly don't think that remortgaging is the immediate way to go as yet, as he will just spend what's left over.

Would also suggest you read the publications also by Alvin Hall as there is much good advice in there also.

sad36 Sun 24-Apr-05 09:12:53

Thnks - may try contacting them myself but my husbnd doesn't see any problem so would be furious if he found out. hve mentioned counselling before - he sees it as my problem because he thinks I have depression. Just depressed because of the situation

MeerkatsUnite Sun 24-Apr-05 10:33:55

Sad36,

At least you can see there is a big problem here - its is a joint problem, not just yours alone to carry. No wonder you are worried sick, I think you are becoming ill with the worry of the debt hanging over you. One huge problem with debt is the perceived shame it brings. Debt does not go away unless its cleared, ignoring the debt, doing nothing and burying head in sand (perhaps this is what your DH is infact doing) are the worst things that can be done.

Some more info for you (this is taken from their website).

People in financial difficulties reach us through our 0800 free phone numbers. They speak with a helpline counsellor who performs an immediate assessment of the situation ending in emergency help, self-help material or the offer of a counselling interview. The interview can take place over the phone or face to face in one of the centres.

The client is then sent information to help them prepare. The interview consists of a full review of the credit and debt situation followed by a recommendation. The first priority wherever possible is to allow fully for essential expenditure, priority debts and living expenses. Then the counsellor will assess whether the client has enough left over to make an offer of repayment to other creditors. If so, creditors are asked to freeze interest, stop penalties, accept a longer repayment period and sometimes a reduced sum.

Their phone number is 0800 138 1111 (8am - 8pm Monday to Friday). I cannot pick up the phone for you but would urge you to call them, you need to talk to someone who has a proper understanding of how this can be sorted out.

I wish you well

Hermione1 Sun 24-Apr-05 11:27:38

Just popped back to see and theres lodes of replys so ty. I am gonna have to take control whether he likes it or not. The remortgage would only be to cover the debt we owe and nothing else. So instead of just the mortgage and lodes of payments, it would all be in one. I have been to cab and they told me to keep doing what i am doing, not much help really.

Sometimes i feel i have done something to deserve this. I am fed up of being a doormat and intend to do something about it!!! wish me luck.

sad36 Sun 24-Apr-05 12:34:27

Well done to you Hermione! Hope it all works out well

SenoraPostrophe Sun 24-Apr-05 13:36:22

sad and hermione - best of luck.

As someone else said though, it sounds like both of you need marriage counselling as well as debt counselling. Debt counselling is no good if only one of you is going to try and make it work and it sounds like there are serious trust/division of responsibilities in both your relationships.

Sad - your dh is in cloud bloody cuckoo land if he thinks that running his own business will mean less work than having a proper job.

MeerkatsUnite Sun 24-Apr-05 13:50:48

I also agree with Senora's response: think that a two pronged approach is needed here - both marriage guidance and debt counselling (one of you has to take some action and at least you will get some proper advice as to how to tackle the debt).

CAB aren't actually much use with debt counselling as it is not really their forte. This is why I instead mentioned the CCCS.

You cannot ignore debt in the hopes it will go away - the debt will only increase over time with interest payments. You will have to take sole control of all the finances.

Consolidating the finances by remortgaging is only a stop gap - you will have to address the issues surrounding why the debt accrued as it did in the first place.

I wish you well, getting out of debt can be a long and hard process for all. It may take years to clear it all.

Hermione1 Mon 25-Apr-05 09:29:19

Talked to DH last night and he agreed with me to have soul control of our finances, yes it will all be on me, but at least i know whats coming in and whats going out and know how much money we have. I feel much better now i have talked to him, because before with problems i always bottled them up and felt crappy for days and days. I don't wanna leave him, i know that now. I do love him dearly. He's just a prat sometimes. I feel i don['t need marriage councelling YET. But it would be something i would consider if things got really really bad. But at the moment i am gonna see how this works and be stronger than i have before. Thanks for all the advice and i will see a debt place to see if they might have any suggestions. Thanks again.

Tortington Mon 25-Apr-05 09:51:04

hope it works out. i'm bettng he whimpers and moans and sulks like a girl when you say he cant have a newspaper, can of coke, large bacon and egg bap for breakfast on top of the large ham bap , can of coke and 15 cups of tea for dinner.

goodluck

Hermione1 Mon 25-Apr-05 09:52:52

He sulks anyway so that won't be any different, lol. MEN!! lol. ty custardo.

Tortington Mon 25-Apr-05 10:20:43

no probs !

HappyDaddy Mon 25-Apr-05 13:18:44

I can personally recommend CCCS. They have helped me enormously.

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