My whole life is a lie

[completeandutterlie]

First off I am a regular but DH knows I use this site so I have changed my name.

I don't know where to start, but my world is falling apart and I don't know what to do.

This is long, but here goes.

About a 18 months after I got married I found out that DH was having internet sex with a woman. He pretended that I did not exist and that he had a completely different life, I ended up accepting this and getting on with things. I also suspected him of having a RL affair at the same time with somebody else but could never prove it - he was sleeping away from home, getting pissed ALL the time and generally behaving like a pratt. After this he was great, treated me perfectly and we went on to have our first child. Things were going great until about a 15 months after the baby was born - our marriage became humdrum and I very stupidly ended up accepting the advances of a man I worked with, it happened three times. DH found out and things were absolutely terrible. We managed to work things out and then I fell pg with our second child, when I was about 12 weeks pregnant my brother told me that DH had been having an affair with his girlfriend. God my world nearly fell apart. My whole family is split and none of us have spoken a word since. DH steadfastly denies this, although I know in my heart it is true. I feel that I have to put up with it because of the kids and because I have also done it. So I let it go.

The thing is I thought things were bumbling along nicely, till yesterday. DH has been very busy at work and I have been feeling a little sidelined. I got cross about this last night, but instead of trying to work it out he went to bed and ignored me for the rest of the night. This morning he announced that he hasn't been happy for years, that I am a "cold fish" and that he hates the fact that I am so unaffectionate toward him.

The thing is, that whilst I really love him and do want to be with him, I am not remotely attracted to him. He called me a whore this morning, saying I just lie back wait for it to end and then jump in the shower.

I am crying and crying and crying. I dont know what to do, I cant decide if I am wasting my time or not.

I am not sure why I typed this.

[Hermione1]

oh dear. I am so sorry you are having such a rotten time, i don;'t really iknow what to say i hope someone can help you soon. xx

[hatsoff]

Hi. If you and dh want to work it out then you probably can. But it will be very hard work and very painful, given everything that has happened. And I think you probably need a mediator - it's tough to hear things like what your dh said but it is easier if there's someone there that makes sure you both have turns, both listen, both try to have goals /reasons for saying stuff - that's what Relate will give you and I think it's worth tryring. sorry you're so miserable, I hope you can find a way through. god lucK.

[LGJ]

Have you thought about getting some counselling for the marriage ??

Please stop crying, it will take too much energy and then leave you feeling drained and your children will still need you today regardless.

[honeybunny]

So sorry you are having such a hard time. Not sure I can offer any words of wisdom, just lots of cyber-sympathy and hope things get better soon.
Best advise, I guess would be to try and sit down together and talk honestly about how you feel about each other. And where you hope things may be heading in the future. Get a 3rd person involved to help mediate if this is difficult, Relate/marriage guidance people.
Good luck.

[completeandutterlie]

I know LGJ, he has taken the older one out (at this hour). The younger one is just looking at me cry .

I just feel as if I cant turn it off, I have been keeping so much hidden for so long and something has broken inside that I just cant pretend anymore.

[completeandutterlie]

I have never had a breakdown so dont know what it feels like but I am starting to wonder if this is the beginning of one.

[completeandutterlie]

I could ramble on all day but I wont. I'll dust myself off and carry on.

[feelingold]

Sometimes when we get angry things are said that we do not really mean, so when things have calmed down a bit you do need to sit down and try to talk calmly if you can, I know I have been there with my ex-h.
Try not to let the things he said get you down, I am sure you are a good person, wife and mother so focus on this and when you can have a quiet moment to yourself have a think about whether you want to be with him, cos it takes a lot of time and energy to get a marriage back on track.
What ever you decide I hope you can be happy again soon.

[jambo1707]

Maybe he is just aying these awful things to you as he is the guilty party.

No excuses as both played the field but at least you learnt your leason and were a faithful wife. he obviously thinks with his dick.

You are worth so much more than this and please dont allow him to treat you this way. Your kids will become unhappy and i feel it is better for them to have a stable upbringing rather than unsettled like your hubby is making it to be.

Be strong as you can be you are worth it

[Janos]

My heart goes out to you after reading this and I just had to reply. I am not surprised you are crying after all that you have been through, who wouldn't. You're not superhuman and these things really hurt.

My first reaction on reading this was that your 'D'H is a supremely selfish, destructive and abusive man. Decent, loving men do not treat their wives like this. So at him and for you. How DARE he call you such a vile name.

Just because you made a mistake does NOT mean you deserve this. I hope you're still following this thread. Thinking of you.

[zebraX]

I am not sure I could forgive a man who called me a whore.
Yes you love him but there are other people you could love too, just as much, and unlike your present husband, they might just love you back, too.

[completeandutterlie]

Thank you for your replies. Fortunately I have been very busy at work today so have not had much time to think.

After much crying and pleading - DH finally admitted yesterday that he did have an inappropriate relationship with my DH's brother. The thing is, is that I am so very angry that he couldnt have admitted it when I found out over a year ago and said sorry then. I feel as if this means that he doesn't respect me to say sorry, not to mention the fact that I stuck up for him to my brother and now my brother will never, ever speak to me again.

I feel so sad, confused and emotionally unable to face up to this. This man loves me I am sure (it sounds insane I know). We were both very misguided for a long while and both did things were bitterly regret. I just dont know if I can forgive the fact that he took my grovelling, apology and unending effort to make up for my mistakes at face value and it never occured to him to do the same for me?

[completeandutterlie]

sorry confused - he had a relationship wth my brothers girlfriend

[TheVillageIdiot]

I think tbh, if you want to work this out you should probably both go for some counselling. It sounds like there is a lot of hurt and betrayal on both sides. hugs.

[blueteddy]

Poor you
I agree that maybe some counselling would help.
I am not suprised you are so upset, as I think I would be upset too.
{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[completeandutterlie]

thank you GGG he is an arse.

he is a stupid, misguided twit who has a real problem with telling the truth sometimes (this used to extend to white lies to everybody until I sat him down and talked to him so seriously about it that he stopped doing it).

the truth is, is that our lives were ugly and sordid for a while. We left each other emotionally and things got horribly out of control.

We have talked, I have shouted, cried, had a panic attack or 10. He has for the most part remained really controlled, despite being obviously distressed. he has apologised over and over for calling me that terrible name - he was just angry and feeling insecure too.

He has given me as much information about the things he did wrong as I can take (the important bits)

I feel as if it is now in the open we can start to get on with things and give it a final go.

is there anybody else who has managed to get it right?

[completeandutterlie]

if you knew my DH in real life, you would swear that I was his princess. He never stops telling me how much he loves me, he spoils me, he is a great dad and he works hard.

He promises me that he was an arse, he knows it and that he will give his all to make things good for me.

suppose time will tell (cheesy but true)

[completeandutterlie]

is there anybody who has been through infidelity and managed to resurrect a happy and peaceful marriage/partnership?

[sadlilwife]

sounds like a very selfish man...sounds not like he loves you, but WANTS you.....the two are very different....doesn't matter what he does to you as long as HE get what HE wants...

GOOD LUCK TO YOU SWEETY!!! only You know when enough is enough....