Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How much should i let my ex see the kids??

(20 Posts)
sallyh2000 Sat 28-Mar-09 12:02:13

I have split with the kids dad and i just want to know how much to let him see the kids?
The split is amicable, he has gone back to his mothers.

He works five days a week, he doesn't pay towards their upbringing regularly, it very hit and does depend on when he gets paid,and then he doesnt give any extra.

I wanted him to have the kids to stay every weekend, to give me a break, but he says it's too much, he does come round once a week to have tea with them and put them to bed.

what do others do??
what is the norm??

bellavita Sat 28-Mar-09 12:09:16

My DB is now divorced from his wife - they have two children. They go to their dads every other weekend and on one or two nights during the week.

twinsetandpearls Sat 28-Mar-09 12:11:44

As much as he likes.

sallyh2000 Sat 28-Mar-09 12:28:58

Even though i get very little towards their upbringing?

shinyshoes Sat 28-Mar-09 12:36:00

yes even though you don't get much towards their upbringing. Don't make your kids suffer through not seeing their dad just because he's not contributing financially. It's emotional stability that matters to them.
Fight him through the courts for money, not through the children.

bellavita Sat 28-Mar-09 12:36:40

My DB does not contribute to his ex wife for the upbringing of his children.

Ex-SIL had a high powered job when she met my brother and has always earnt more money. She left my brother for her boss who also earns stacks of money.

My brother moved out and had to find somewhere to live and pay rent and buy furniture etc, but it was one of the conditions of the divorce that he did not contribute as he cannot afford it and because of the circumstances, she remarried as soon as she could.

However, he has taken a second job to pay for horse riding lessons for my neice and a quadbike for my nephew and these are the things they love doing when they go to stay.

He also gives them pocket money and bits and bobs here and there say if my neice (13) wants to go to the cinema with her friends.

Work permitting, I think he tries to see them every day even if it is just to pick them up from school and drop them home.

shinyshoes Sat 28-Mar-09 12:39:39

oh to answer your question, as much as he likes. If he thinks a weekend is too much and only wants to see them once a week let him.

If he breaks this it'll be him that have let them down. No-one else. At least you can sit back knowing you never once stopped him from seeing them.

GypsyMoth Sat 28-Mar-09 12:46:21

Why doesn't he contribute financially? Also, he's gone back to his mums, is this far away?

sallyh2000 Sat 28-Mar-09 15:50:18

His mums is about 5 miles away, so not that far. He doesn't contribute because he does not get paid regularly, he is self employed. When he does it is only for that week, never for any he missed. He does not buy, the kids , shoes, school uniform, birthday/chrissie pressies etc, i cover everything and i let the kids think that the pressies are from both of us.

I do not work, as my youngest has special needs and although not severe, she still has a lot of input from other specialists and frequent hosp appts.
My eldest is 4 and he goes to nursery for 2.5 hrs every morn, so no , i don't miss out on much because they are always with

prettyfly1 Sat 28-Mar-09 16:16:08

as much as he wants. it is shitty when they wont pay but kids arent pay per view.

GypsyMoth Sat 28-Mar-09 16:22:57

so the tax payer is paying for his kids? A csa assesment not been done then? You've only just split,how did you manage on his wage before then? If it supported you all before, then what's changed financially?

prettyfly1 Sat 28-Mar-09 16:33:16

Ilove, because he is self employed he will almost certainly getr away with paying next to nothing through csa.

sallyh2000 Sat 28-Mar-09 16:35:49

No i did not want to get the csa involved, i thought we could sort summat between us.
his money never fully supported us, we were on the verge of having the house reposessed, because he didnt want to pay any more. He has mounting debts of his own too, some of them now mean charging orders have been put on the property, which i can't get removed. Also the tax man is now on his case for non payment.
somehow or other, by me going without and a lot of juggling i manage to keep everything going for me and the kids,we don't have alot, but my kids never go without.

twinsetandpearls Sat 28-Mar-09 19:02:32

I have not recieved maintenance for many years but my dd sees her dad as often as she wants the two are not linked imo. He does not have her on a pay per view bases

ElenorRigby Sat 28-Mar-09 21:24:34

wot twinset and prettyfly said

Ivykaty44 Sat 28-Mar-09 21:28:54

How often would the dc like to visit their father?

solidgoldbrass Sat 28-Mar-09 21:30:38

Presumably you got rid of him because of his uselessness with money in the first place? If he has always been rubbish with money he isn't going to improve, unfortunately. Still, as a lone parent you should get extra benefits etc which ought to help: contact the CAB and make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to.
As to his contact with the DC, once a week at least is best if you can manage it; one night in the week and either alternate weekends or one day each weekend is about standard.

monkeylaine Sun 29-Mar-09 14:59:46

This is what we do:

- I have kids all Monday.
- My ex collects kids from school Tue, then brings them to me at 6:30pm.
- I have kids Wednesday.
- Ex's parents collect kids from school on Thu. I pop round on Thu to ex's house and help put kids to bed (+ do some of their homework with them).
- I have kids Friday until 7pm, when Ex has them overnight.
- I collect Kids 9am ish Sat morning, and have them until 6:30pm, then one of the kids stays with their dad all night.
- My ex has both kids on Sunday day, from about 11:30pm to 6:30pm. I collect one or both kids Sun evening.

We're quite flexible, but the kids are used to this schedule. Sounds more complicated than it is.

I don't get financial assistance and wouldn't ask for it, as we share the kids (as you can see from our schedule) and both work - to fit around kids school, earning similar amounts.

Although we have the arrangement, I've made it clear that I'm there 24/7 for the kids, so if I'm needed when they're not with me, I'm only a phone call away, and the phone has rung a good few times asking me to take the kids (or one of them) and I do.

My kids are 5yrs and 7yrs and this has been going on since they were 3yrs and 5yrs.

Regarding finances - if your ex is self-employed, he still has accounts, tax returns, etc., and other docs that will prove his earnings. They might not be the same each week, but there will be an average to work with. You might end up using the CSA if he doesn't negotiate with you. IF you're on benefits, you'd get to keep £20 of your maintenance and lose the rest when you delcare it. Not sure if that's £20 per child or not though.

sallyh2000 Sun 29-Mar-09 19:59:30

Thanks for all your messages, it has certainly given me food for

sal2903 Sat 15-Aug-09 15:27:38

my kids only see thier dad when he can be nothered and when his new wife lets him. We have 3 kids aged 12, 11, and 6 together, he pays me £60 per week maintenance for them. but his access with them is so sporadiac its unbelieveable, he has recently had them stay for 2 weeks which is the longest period since xmas, and is only the 5th time he has seen them this year, he will go anything upto 3 months before he will contact them or want to see them again. I feel he should be making more of an effort with them i go out of my way to make it as easy as possible for him as he works shifts and only has one weekend off a month. Before i moved he had them at least once a month, and although that was not meant to change he barely see's them at all now.I have even offered him alternatives such as if he cannot see them during term time then having them through the holidays like for example the week they are off in october but today i hve received a text saying he doesn't know when he can have them as his work doesn't like him taking time off. He is also disgruntled as their elder sister has recently got back in touch and he is not happy about her seeing the children but i feel that is my decision not his to make, and since i made that decision all i have heard is lies and stirring to make me change my mind. Its even gone as far as his wife ringing my daughter at 01.50am to tell her that she doesn't know when she will see them again as her and my daughters dad are splittng up which i think is way below the belt to involve a 12yr old in their marital disputes.
Am i being out of order.... does anyone have aany other ideas what i can do without involving a solicitor, although i feel that may be the only way forward..

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now