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Pregant, but the boyfriend is unsure

(15 Posts)
mychelle Wed 20-Apr-05 15:23:11

I couldnt see any posting like this, but there are sooo many I may have missed it.

I just found out i am 6 weeks pregnant.

(The background) my boyfriend and i have have been together for approx 8 months. I have had a very serious relationship which lasted 8 years and he on and off for 2 years max. We moved in together 6 weeks ago (you do you maths)He is funny very thoughtful of me and others, we go out, we stay in . I am extremely happy, love him madly and couldn't wish for more until.

(The problem)
He is finding this all very hard to cope with and is leaning to a termination, although also still wanting children. The timing and scared feelings seem to be taking over for him. We have wonderful family and friends able to support if asked and i feel no need to terminate for it being untimed or scared.

Basically i am asking for advice how to handle this and is this normal for a couple?

MrsBigD Wed 20-Apr-05 15:32:10

I think it's perfectly normal
DH and I had been together just under 2 years when I found out I was pregnant with dd (now 3.3). The first few weeks were a nightmare as he had the untimed and scared issues as well. Considering that I thought I could never conceive I insisted we keep dd and we haven't regretted the decision too much it's the sleepless nights that make you sometimes wish for the fancy and care free single life

Expectantmum Wed 20-Apr-05 15:36:53

Perfectly normal! I've been with my DP for four years, we love each other dearly, and were TTC when I fell pg anyway, but it still came as a massive shock, and I spent probably the first three months thinking "Oh my god, I don't know whether this is the right thing or not!". I am not 31 wks and although the thought of child birth and parenthood is scary as hell, we're also really looking forward to it. I would just say though that I hope your DP realises that it isn't just his decision to make, you shouldn't do anything you're not sure about - congratulations by the way

elsmommy Wed 20-Apr-05 15:53:48

Yeah normal. I was booked in for an abortion and couldn't go through with it.
Glad I didn't, got a lovely dd now and wouldn't change her for the world.
You have to be sure you both agree with what you decide. Its very hard been a mommy but very rewarding
Don't let him talk you into anything.

Kelly1978 Wed 20-Apr-05 16:06:11

This happened to me, my contraception failed when I had been with dp abt 18 mnths. i already had a dd and ds from prev relationship and we hadn't planend children together until the distant future when we were more settled. I had jsut, that very month, moved to London to vbe closer to him too. It was further complicated by the fact that he is Indian and his family dissaproved of the whole thing. He really wanted an abortion but I couldn't do it.

9 mnths down the road I have 4 week old twins and our relationship is great. I think what you really have to consider is are you prepared to go it alone if necessary? You haven't been in a relationship that long, and your partner isn't keen. I sat down and told my dp that I couldn't terminate and it was up to him whether he wanted to leave. Luckily he didn't, but at least I never trapped him by refusing to terminate.

Hope that isn't too harsh an outlook and it helps a bit!

Slave2Babe Wed 20-Apr-05 16:29:20

I think to have reservations is perfectly normal. My contracteption failed. I was booked for a termination and I even got as far as checking in and sitting by my bed. I couldnt go through with it.

DD is now six months. Things have been up and down (lack of sleep to blame mostly!) but DP has stood by me and we're a happy little family!

You didnt say how you feel about the pregnancy??

Make up your mind what you want to do. Some would argue that its a decision that you have to make together, but its your body and you need to be happy with the decision.

If you want to continue with the pregnancy, make it clear to your DP that you would like his support - but be prepared to go through with it on your own if he can't be there for you.

Dont let him influence you to do something you're not 100% comfortable with.

Good luck and I really hope it works out for you, whatever you decided.

prettyfly1 Wed 20-Apr-05 21:26:40

hi mate,

just about to have my first and i am a looking at life as a single parent. Like many of the other ladies i booked in for a termination based on medical reasons and the fact that my ex was a rat but i didnt do it. So glad now cause although i am terrified and i questioned my decision many many times, I cant wait to meet my little boy and feel so lucky. It is your life and youre decision noone should push you into it either way - you have to do what is right for the baby and you. good luck

nightowl Thu 21-Apr-05 04:43:34

not going to post you my story but all i will say is do what YOU want. dont ever be pushed into something that you may regret. thinking of you xx

Caligula Thu 21-Apr-05 06:58:09

It sounds to me like you don't want a termination "i feel no need to terminate..." - in that case, don't!

Of course you need to sit down and think very hard how you cope if you had to go through pregnancy and motherhood alone, but my advice is if you don't want to abort your baby, then don't. Doing something as drastic as that when it's not the right decision for you will probably destroy your relationship anyway, so there's no point having an abortion in order to save your relationship. But it really does depend on whether when it comes to the crunch, you are prepared to be a single mother.

I also think you need to speak to him about why he is so scared, and to make him understand that a termination is not a little thing which wipes out a problem (although it can be in some circumstances), it's a big thing which causes other problems - it's not necessarily an easy solution, which I think many men assume it is.

Good luck!

anchovies Thu 21-Apr-05 07:44:40


I think if you have have "Just found out" you need to give yourself and your boyfriend a bit of time before you make any life changing decisions.

I had been with my dp (now dh) for about the same amount of time when I found out I was pregnant but we were kind of the opposite way round. I was terrified and not sure what I wanted where as he was in no doubt we should keep the baby. Once things had calmed down and I had come to terms with the situation and we had talked practically I was able to make an informed rational decision.

The one thing I would say is to take your time (but obviously not too much!) and think and talk things through properly. If you are sure what you want (as you sound like you are) explain your reasons and why you are not scared of the timing and responsibility. I personally wouldn't react well to a "this is what I'm doing, you make your decision" scenario so as far as possible I would work together on the decision. But if it comes to the crunch as others have said, what you will ultimately have to decide is whether you are prepared to be a single parent. Good luck in whatever you decide x

expatinscotland Thu 21-Apr-05 08:03:18

I agree with what others have posted. It is YOUR pregnancy, YOU decide what to do about it. Don't let anyone talk you into anything. If you need counselling or resources, there are plenty out there. You're not alone.

My contraception failed, and I got pregnant w/a partner I hadn't been with but a few months. Yet he NEVER pressured me to have an abortion (not that I would have, I just couldn't do it). Altho the pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I was prepared to go it alone.

mychelle Fri 22-Apr-05 12:30:54

Thank you ladies for your very kind words. It has made me more at ease with the situation. The boyf and I have talked and he is looking forward to having a baby together.

We are affectionate to one another and theres an extra spark now. He is being considerate of me and the babee. Fingers crossed (never the legs, although thats what got me into this mess!) things go well.

Thank you all once again, all your help was and is greatly appreciated.

Caligula Fri 22-Apr-05 12:50:44

mychelle, glad he's got over the cold feet! good luck with your pregnancy, hope it all goes well for you.

anchovies Fri 22-Apr-05 12:54:13

So glad it's sorted! Enjoy your pregnancy and take care x

prettyfly1 Fri 22-Apr-05 14:17:32

Best of luck poppett - really glad you got it sorted!!

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