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dp has invited his father to live with us

(19 Posts)
SamN Mon 18-Apr-05 09:17:24

This upsets me because
(a) it is not a decision we made together. We have had conversations about it, but I thought they were along the lines of 'something we may have to do in a few years' time'. However, I never said, "I am not having your father living in this house". So, it appears that the lack of a definite no has been taken as a yes - which it wasn't. Hum;
(b) the idea worries me in any case. Dp himself admits that his father may not be the easiest person to live with. He certainly has/had a different way of life to me.

oops, better attend to ds1 and post again later

bobbybob Mon 18-Apr-05 09:27:05

Oh god, I live in dread of MIL dying and FIL being "accidentally invited" by dh. What time frame are we talking? How much space do you have? How old is FIL?

beansprout Mon 18-Apr-05 09:30:14

As BB's post suggests, there are lots of questions that you both need to address before this is decided. What do you want? Do you think it is a good idea? What are the reasons for this?

I hope you can both come to the decision that is right for you.

SamN Mon 18-Apr-05 09:37:00

Okay, as well as being upset because dp did this without my 'permission' I am worried because we have had a difficult time recently. Ds2 (9 months) has been very ill, I have been very stressed and I am only just coping most days. I have been worried about not being able to give ds1 very much attention. I have been worried about my relationship with dp, because we hardly spend any time together and when we do, we're both worn out to the bone so sex or talking both come poor seconds to just getting some sleep. And the idea of having dp's dad around adds to my stress.

I like dp's dad, but I'm not sure how helpful he will be with the day-to-day business of looking after the kids. When his kids were young he just spent loads of time working and I think dp's mum did most of the active parenting. My mum has even commented that she thinks he doesn't really know what to do with ds1, he just buys him presents. (He buys ds1 a new car or cars every time he comes to visit lol). And he's given up his job so he will be around all the time.

There must be some of you who have parents or parents-in-law living with you - how has this worked or not worked? What are the potential pitfalls and how can we try to avoid them? And what can I do now that dp has already asked him?

any advice, opinions or sympathy welcomed!!

beansprout Mon 18-Apr-05 09:41:26

Sam, why does dp want him to come and live with you? Is he not able to look after himself, or is he lonely, or something else?

I would say that dp should not have asked him without discussing it with you. It is not fair for dp just to force a situation. It's not the right basis for your FIL to move in with you. I'm assuming that you are a SAHM? If so, then the impact is much bigger on you. Also, you will have another adult. Is your FIL willing to support you in your parenting decisions? It could get very tricky if he (even with the best of intentions) undermines what you do.

I really feel for you, these situations are hard enough as it is, without dp just going ahead without you!!

SamN Mon 18-Apr-05 09:46:53

sorry, posted my second message before I saw any replies to my first. Dp's mum died from cancer in January last year. Dp's dad has just turned 60. He's in reasonable health apart from high blood pressure and not sleeping (which is probably psychological). It's just that he doesn't really have anything left in his life. He's given up his job. He has one pair of good friends in the town he lives in. He's not English but he's lived in England ever since he was about 18. He has wondered about moving back to his home village a few times recently but would have preferred to have done it when dp's mum was still alive - he doesn't really have any good friends back there and doesn't want to work any more. He loves our kids and they are the only grandchildren he has. Dp's brother lives in Sicily with his girlfriend and dp's dad doesn't really get on with the girlfriend. Dp's sister lives nearish to us (about 1/2 hour drive away) so if he lived with us he would be close to her as well.

We moved last year into a 4 bed house (more stress and we still haven't really sorted it out) so we do have room. We'd have more space if the 'spare' room didn't contain a piano and an exercise bike .

flashingnose Mon 18-Apr-05 09:55:03

If he's only 60 and reasonably hale and hearty, I would strongly suggest he moves to a flat in the same town as you, rather than in with you. We had my Granny live with us for a few years before she dies and it put an immense pressure on my Mum (it was her MIL), even though they got on well. You could potentially all be living together for over 20 years!! Not what you had in mind when you got married, I'm sure. If he's nearby in a flat, he can come for meals, for coffee, whatever, but will not be around you all the time. Plus you and DH are in a position to help him to establish some new friendships for himself - your family cannot be everything he needs. Then if in the future he really can't look after himself, you can look at him moving in with you.

BTW, I would be very very with DH for this.

flashingnose Mon 18-Apr-05 09:56:25

Sorry, you have a DP not a DH!

SamN Mon 18-Apr-05 09:57:51

There have been no time frames discussed but both dp and his dad tend to just do things whenever they think of them rather than spending ages planning them (as I would).

and yes I am just about to become a SAHM - I have taken leave of absence because of ds2's health

and I do worry about him undermining my parenting decisions although I'm sure he wouldn't do it intentionally. It might be better if he is living with us because I could lay down ground rules. It might help with dp as well. In fact, perhaps I should do that anyway. Number one could be not to invite anyone to stay without asking the other members of the household first

better go and give ds1 some more attention - he's been watching CBeebies for the past hour at least. will check for more messages later.

JanH Mon 18-Apr-05 09:59:11

Does he own a house, Sam? If so could he sell it and you sell yours and could buy together a house with a granny flat?

bubbly1973 Mon 18-Apr-05 10:06:03

samN...you need to put your foot down, i would suggest he get a flat nearer where you live too

my mil had a granny flat put on the side of the house for her mother....this was 15 years ago....she is 95 this year, i know its a horrible thing to say or think, but im sure my mil never counted on her living till that age

she is a great woman, modern way of thinking, doesnt interfere, does everything for herself, but because she is 95, mil cant go away on holiday for 2months at a time, (they are retired)
so when they go for a week, they need to make sure someone can live in the to make sure nan is okay ie not fallen

so what im saying is you do lose your freedom to some extent when you have someone older come to live with you...maybe dh hasnt thought that by having him over, in years to come you wont be able to do the above

i really do think you should put your foot down, its a decision that could possibly save your marriage at the end of the day

flashingnose Mon 18-Apr-05 10:10:23

That's the thing bubbly, he really doesn't need a granny annexe at the mo, he just needs some company which is a completely different issue.

SamN Mon 18-Apr-05 10:11:49

flashingnose, and bubbly1973, yes I think I would be far more comfortable with him living in a flat nearby. However I can just imagine that dp is going to ask why his dad should pay rent if we've got the room. And of course it makes it more awkward that the invitation has already gone out.

JanH I really really don't want to move again. We've moved twice in the last year and I was hoping to be in this one at least until the kids are teenagers.

I'm more than at the moment but that may be because I'm so tired. I have had a really rough time recently and I just wish I didn't have to deal with this on top of everything.

I have a horrible feeling however that this will end up being a big argument - maybe the biggest we've had so far and we've been together so long. I would rather like to be able to present my points logically but can quite see myself just bursting into tears and saying 'but I just can't deal with it' which won't help things. Especially as dp will then think my only reason I'm upset is just the usual tiredness and hormonal stuff, when there's actually a very important reason underneath.

If I hadn't included so many details and I didn't have a username based on my rl name I could show dp this thread instead of talking to him. I'm far better at writing things down than communicating them orally.

right feeling very guilty about ds1 now and I'm sure ds2 will wake up sometime soon

ta ta for now

bubbly1973 Mon 18-Apr-05 10:15:55

samn...if you want to show dh this thread, why dont you re do the thread under a different name, and i will post my message to you again...maybe the others can do the same...what do you think girls?

in the indian culture, its known for the parents in law to live with there son whether the wife likes it or not!

flashingnose Mon 18-Apr-05 10:19:11

SamN, I would definitely show DP this thread and then change your name afterwards (or copy and paste the thread to Word and do a little editing). I really think he's feeling guilty about his Dad and hasn't thought it through. What happens, for example, if his Dad gets a girlfriend ?

bubbly1973 Mon 18-Apr-05 10:23:49

flashingnose...good point

bubbly1973 Mon 18-Apr-05 10:25:21

i think we should think of lots of questions/points that samn could put forward in her argument that its not for the best that dhs father come and stay with them

...at the moment my mind has gone blank, apart from flashingnose point about girlfriend

will come back with some though

SamN Mon 18-Apr-05 11:02:43

okay, have popped back up. I'm going to start a new thread, which I will show to dp. I'll change my username some other time. If he's bothered enough he will be able to search for this thread but there's not much on it that I wouldn't be able to say to him anyway, it's just I didn't start it with the intention of it being seen iyswim!

SamN Mon 18-Apr-05 11:03:19

forgot to say thanks everyone for your help

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