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Everything is going great BUT I am destroying it

(26 Posts)
TheVillageIdiot Sun 17-Apr-05 20:24:06

DP and I have been together a while now and everything is going great but I just can't seem to relax into it.

After a tough few years and I think that I am finding it hard to except that for the first time in a long time things are going well. DP and I split up a few years ago during which time I had dd and to sum it up that was the only good thing that happened in all the time we were apart.

I almost feel that I'm so frightened of it going wrong (have no reason for this) that I am blowing such minor things out of proportion (mostly jealousy), he's dealing with me questionning things very well. I worry that it's getting tedious for him and that it is going to start pushing him away from me. Has anyone else felt like this, I think I am feeling very insecure at the moment and he knows it; he reassures me of his love and commitment constantly. I know it's me as I have been feeling insecure about some friendships as well lately and I don't really understand why. I'm sure it must all be related somehow.

Just needed to get that off my chest, I've never felt this way before and so am struggling to deal with this.

Frizbe Sun 17-Apr-05 20:30:11

Do we take it dd is dp's daughter? why did you split up in the 1st place? sorry to be questioning, but it might help us to fill in the gaps as it were and then come up with help?

TheVillageIdiot Sun 17-Apr-05 20:36:05

Sorry no dd is not dp's. DD happened during our (roughly) 4 year split.

We split originally because it just wasn't the right time I think. I loved him terribly but was kinda bored and felt like it wasn't really going anywhere. In hindsight I left him on a whim and spent 4 years regretting it.

I often thought of contacting him but thought he would hate me. He says he thought I hated him and never thought he'd have a chance to be with me again.

We used to avoid each other (during the 4 years) but by chance we were in the same pace one night and that was it - started talking, working things out and here we are.

Frizbe Sun 17-Apr-05 20:47:36

Hmmmmm, so your back together now and should be feeling great! but aren't.....? I can see by this post (call me quick) that your obviously trying to address this, so how about writing a list of the pros and cons of the relationship to try and put into perspective why your feeling this way? Could it be that your trying to push him away again, just to check if he'll come back? can you think of something that triggered this at all?
Sorry I have to go now, but will check back on the thread later, sure someone will have better advice than me!

TheVillageIdiot Sun 17-Apr-05 20:56:29

I'm feeling great when we're together - absolutely. I am trying to address this becaause I don't think the way I am behaving is 'normal' it certainly isn't normal for me!

Off the top of my head there are no cons to the relationship, I can't think even what these would be. He is fantastic.

I can't put my finger on what has triggered this however I know there must be something, I have become very dependant on him and very attached to him I think that is part of the problem all my life, even when we were together before, I have always been completely independant. This time round I'm not, I rely on him being here. I do wonder if this is part of the problem. I've never ever cared before if anyone left me (not sying that's right) but suddenly I really really care if he leaves me. eek

Frizbe Sun 17-Apr-05 21:00:28

oh hugs hon, I will reply more tomorrow, but really have to go now, dh is calling me ttfn

TheVillageIdiot Sun 17-Apr-05 21:01:46

Thanks Frizbe. Been great starting to think abobut this x

karenanne Sun 17-Apr-05 21:23:57

village ...imho your very lucky to be given a second chance at this.im sure there are many of us that have had the experience of letting someone get away.i know i have.i lost mine by being insecure and needing constant reassurance.

please dont think im saying that this is going to happen to you as im not .i have no advice other than cherish what you have it obvious that you care very deeply for this man and are afraid to lose him again.if hes being great about it then he obviously cares deeply for you too.

go with the flow and relax a bit ,ive learnt in life most men wont be where or be with who they dont want to be,so take comfort in that.

and mostly be happy he sounds like a great one you've re-found hang on to him.but not too tight lol!

kelli22 Sun 17-Apr-05 21:27:17

I think he sounds lovely and you should be more trusting of him but i can see where you're coming from and i can be quite insecure at times - infact my dp who is lovely always says how my insecurites are the worst thing about me- always asking do you love me do you still wanna be with me blah blah- and i dont even realising im asking and sometimes i dont even hear his answer- its silly and i know it is but i think it comes from a previous relationship (abusive) we have been to counselling etc and he's learnt to cope with me being like that most of the time but i need to try harder to believe he loves me and wants me- im pregnant with his baby and he loves my dd from previous relationship as his
own. and he's always saying if he didnt want me he wouldnt have planned our baby etc.

i think maybe you could benefit from osme couple counselling or maybe on your own counselling?
it sounds like a cliche- oh you have a problem - see a counsellor but they do help.

maybe you went through some stuff when you were apart that you need to deal with before you can truely be happy in this relationship - its good that he's so patient just keep talking to him and explaining how you feel at least then he will know he's not doing anything to make you feel this way.

Im not sure of all the facts but i hope some of what ive said will help.

good luck

kelli22 Sun 17-Apr-05 21:32:20

sorry to go on but also meant to say- when my and dp were first together if we argued i would beg him to stay and not to leave me -(made me look so pathetic) it took me a while to realise i wasn't going to beg him anymore, if he doesn't want to be here i dont want him here - in a way this is why im kinda glad we're not married - he has no duty to me he's here cuz he wants to be. (i dont know why im so insecure we have a great relationship and hes never given me cause not to trust him)

i hope in time i will learnt o keep my mouth shut and stop asking him silly questions that i know the answer to!

TheVillageIdiot Mon 18-Apr-05 10:38:27

Thanks for your comments, don't have much time to post now but talked a bit last night.

Woke up in the night crying, I'm a freak

Louise1980 Mon 18-Apr-05 12:39:36

I completely understand how you feel and what you are going thorugh.

My 2 ds have different fathers ant xp1 caused me some serious emotional problems that have just recently come to light, almost 5yrs later!

I have caused many a relationship to go wrong by "looking" for problems and causing arguments over nothing.

I have no answers except to talk to your dp and explain that you know that wwhat you are doing isnt normal for you but you dont understand why you are being like this.

The one thing you have that i didnt is an understanding partner! In 5 years i have ruined 4 relationships and ended up with ds2 in the process, i might add that is the best thing to come out of this!

I hope you get things sorted or begin to understand yourself asap. Feel free to contact me if you would like to chat, Im the queen of DIY breakups!!

TheVillageIdiot Mon 18-Apr-05 12:41:27

Hey Louise - I'm just taking my mind off and chearing myself up on other threads. Will post properly later prob this evenning. Thanks for the CAT offer

Louise1980 Mon 18-Apr-05 12:54:06

No probs, its good to know im not the only one that feels this way.

Frizbe Mon 18-Apr-05 16:01:22

There you go village, loads more experienced people with better advice than me! big hugs n hope you get sorted soon.

TheVillageIdiot Mon 18-Apr-05 16:02:58

Hey chatting to you was great! thanks! will post on here this evening. When have time to mull over and think rather than just quickly fire off posts iyswim

alicemama Mon 18-Apr-05 16:17:25

Hi village,

I know exactly how you feel. I have a wonderful dh who loves me very much, we have 1dd and another baby on the way. I constantly worry about him leaving me and feel as tho I'm always causing unecessary problems.
I know my dh loves me and would never leave but its always there at the babck of my mind.
after 4 1/2 yrs of marriage I know that the problem is mine. I have a problem with low self-esteem and don't feel good enough for him.
What works for me is trying to spend some quality time alone without the kids around, without worrying about housework or other tedous things.
Try having a date night perhaps once a week or even just once a month. Alittle romance goes a long way!

I hope this helps

MeerkatsUnite Mon 18-Apr-05 16:52:54

Jealousy and low self esteem are often linked. I would hazard a guess that you have low self esteem (you don't need to answer that).

I think you expect things to go wrong (as they have done in the past) so do everything possible to sabotage any good stuff that happens. Its a way of not letting anyone get close to you in case you get hurt again.

I feel the suggestion made to seek out some counselling for yourself would be helpful to tackle the underlying issues surrounding your jealousy.

We learn about relationships as children from our parents - if your own parents for instance had a poor relationship, then what you saw and experienced then may well have continued into how you are feeling now.

You can break this destructive cycle but only you can do so.

I wish you well. You can overcome this fear.

prettyfly1 Mon 18-Apr-05 17:47:39

Hi mate,

just wanted to add my tuppence worth ( when do i ever not )

I thought i loved one man totally and could never really get over him. We were only together for a short time but eventually i moved away to another area to get over it. While there i met someone else. We were together for two and a half years and i miss him every single day. We split becasue i had serious depression a year and a half ago and i still regret what i put him through. I compared him to the other one constantly, pushed him constantly to prove he really loved me and took so much of his very gentle, very real love fr me for granted. I had had a hard time before i met him so i dont beat myself up fr it too much but in the end i lost him. I cant regret that too much because i hope that somewhere he is happy and doing what he should but i think that the man youre with now sounds a lot like him. Gentle and compassionate and patient. Dont risk that. You obviously respect him so respect the fact that whether you like or love yourself much, HE obviously does and the only thing that will change that is you. Are there any reasons why youre so down on yourself - you say that in the four years you were apart the only good thing that happened was you re daughter - do you think that maybe you still have issues from that time that you need to deal with. It sounds like with a lovely man and dd you have a lot to enjoy and look forward to. I know that after losing everything it can be scary to let go and enjoy what you have rather then worry that it will all fall apart again but perhaps you should enjoy things the way they are now - none of us have guarantees that our lives will be perfect or smooth or even happy but its the times when it is that make the tough times worth it. If we spend all our time worrying we loose even that and life is just miserable. Cook you re man a nice tea, give you r baby a kiss- show them how much you love them both and enjoy the blessings you have been granted now. Go and enjoy your life

TheVillageIdiot Mon 18-Apr-05 20:42:13

Oh god, was gonna sit and post properly tonight but have just phoned dp to let him know dinner will be ready at 9 and he sounds really pissed off. Paranoia has kicked in eek. Am going to try desperately not to pounce on him with "what's wrong". Just did on the phone asked if it was because of last night but I thought we sorted that last night (he snapped at me for questionning something).

Jeez feel terrible, I want to act like a normal person again. I've never felt insecure before and it is truly horrible. I feel like I am seriously losing the plot, to the point where I might make a doc's apt tomorrow. I am not right in the head at the moment.

Louise1980 Mon 18-Apr-05 21:39:54

I think that would be a very good idea. My main problem was low self esteep followed by a big dolop of PND.

Maybe you just need sum support till you get through this time.

Id dusnt last and there is light at teh end of the tunnel.

Hope you get things back on track.

prettyfly1 Tue 19-Apr-05 00:08:07

You do that mate. Sometimes it is just a phase. The doctor can rule out any medical causes and help you through this time and you always have us mnetters to keep you smiling and listening when it gets tough!!! big hugs

TheVillageIdiot Tue 19-Apr-05 09:29:39

Well, I didn't question anything last night and I didn't feel the need to actually. I slung my arms round him when he came in, cooked a proper roast dinner then just curled up together in front of the TV. I feel great this morning have decided that I am just going to run with it and stop expecting bad things to happen, I have to enjoy it while it's good and I can't spend all my life worrying about the slight chance that something might go wrong. I'll just have to cross that bridge when/if I come to it.

He is building a house for us and it looks like we won't have too much trouble getting planning permission so things are good. I'm just going to find small things to focus my energy on to pass some time and hopefully in time I won't worry anymore. This weekend I am hopefully picking up a cat that I have a reserve on with the RSPCA.

Then I am going to finish stripping the wallpaper in my living room and paint it. etc

I will keep posting on this thread as I'm sure it won't be as easy as it sounds. Hoping you guys will stick around and listen for a bit.

Thanks all of you for all the excellant advice and opinions you have given me, I am completely sane honestly. (pmt too doesn't help )

prettyfly1 Tue 19-Apr-05 14:30:55

of course youre sane mate. Glad to hear your feeling better and it sounds like you have a lot to feel positive about. Enjoy what sounds like it will be a busy but lovely week

Janna Wed 20-Apr-05 10:32:28

I've only just read your post! Hope it's going better for you. I haven't got anything to add really as I'd only be echoing everyone elses replies. {hugs} anyway!!

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