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DH has told me to move out AGAIN

(35 Posts)
Bonkerz Sun 17-Apr-05 09:55:08

OK, just wondering what you would all do.

Dh and i had a stupid row today because i watched TV down satirs till midnight last night and he HAD to come upstairs (his choice!)

Every time we argue he uses the same old lines but they are now starting to get to me. He always says that he pays the bills and mortgage so therefore he should be able to watch what he wants, the argument always ends up with him saying that if i dont like it i should leave!

The house is his and has been for 9 years so he has a lot of history here and the mortgage is in his name. I have requested my name go on it a few times but get told that i will have to pay half the mortgage which i cant afford to do.

Im getting fed up of made to feel like im a guest in his home and terrified that if we do ever split up that i will be made homeless with my ds.

What should i do? I do work full time but earn half as much as he does. He has always paid the mortgage and most of the bills. I pay water bill, buy the clothes for ds and dsd and also pay for all the food we eat so feel i pay my share. I also pay three quarters towards a loan we have and i pay for the upkeep of one of our cars.

Its not as if we are skint either, we have a comfortable life.

Im just sick and tired of feeling so damn insecure about things.

anorak Sun 17-Apr-05 09:57:36

I think if you are married then your property is jointly owned, isn't it? Whether or not your name is on the deeds. Can someone who actually knows for sure confirm this?

WideWebWitch Sun 17-Apr-05 10:00:51

He's not treating you like an equal partner and it's not on imo. What's this crap about he pays the bills, so he watches what he wants, what are you? An employee or his wife? If you're married there is no such thing as HIS and YOURS, there are only joint marital assets and if you were to split a court would recognise that. If you are married, I'm sorry, he doesn't get to keep 'his' house, it doesn't work like that, esp if you have children, which you do. See a solicitor. Or a counsellor to sort out why he thinks this is on because I don't think it is. Or see both!

WideWebWitch Sun 17-Apr-05 10:01:35

I'd be very sick and tired of it too.

suzywong Sun 17-Apr-05 10:01:47

sorry to hear you are having problems, I know you said it was a stupid row but he obviously has some deep-seated bugbear and you don't want to feel insecure all the time

Why don't you keep calm and book an appointment with a financial advisor and tell him when you've done it, that way he will have to face up to what his commitment is and plus it sounds like you are paying out way over the odds in terms of the proportion of wages that goes in to the kitty

Bonkerz Sun 17-Apr-05 10:03:55

the thing is he says his stuff and later will take it back i know he will but its the fact that he still says it. It just upsets me cos he watched sport all day yesterday and because i watched aprogramme that he didnt like hes all shitty with me now! Its usually me going up to bed to watch TV!

WideWebWitch Sun 17-Apr-05 10:04:59

It's about more than tv though, it's about the power and control in your relationship. It needs sorting imo. Good luck.

Hermione1 Sun 17-Apr-05 10:05:46

I'm sorry your having probs too, i think anorak might be right, would he really kick his ds out? Can you not sit him down and talk about how insecure you're feeling?
Sounds like he obviously likes to be in control of things.
Go to citizens advice they might be able to help you find what rights you do have.

debs26 Sun 17-Apr-05 10:07:21

i am sahm, not married and dp would never dream of being this selfish and ridiculous. ds1 and ds2 are not even his (ds3 is), but he says the house belongs to us all, despite it being his before we got together and he is happy to put my name on the mortgage without me ever paying a penny towards the house or the bills. i would speak to citizens advice or solicitor, get some legal clarification and make the point to him that the house belongs to you both, like it or lump it and if you leave then you are entitled to take half of it with you. he is being a git and you deserve better

Bonkerz Sun 17-Apr-05 10:11:09

i was under the impressions taht because the house is in his name and he pays the mortgage that he has every right to kick me out. I only belive this as its what happened to me beofre (wasnt married though) Id had ds and lived with his dad and when things got tough he chucked ds and i out on the streets as it was his house etc.... Maybe thats why i feel so insecure. Its happened once and although i know dh wouldnt leave us on the sreets it would still be us leaving the house and not him.

AnnieQ Sun 17-Apr-05 10:16:29

Go to CAB and check out your rights. He can't just kick you out, you're married so you have rights over the property.

Whizzz Sun 17-Apr-05 10:16:31

Here you go Bonkerz legal stuff . Note the bit about the law being about to change though.
I'm no expert - just did a quick Google for you - seems to be a lot of advice out there.
Best of luck

alux Sun 17-Apr-05 10:16:49

Bonkerz, dh also earns twice what I do. Like you, he had bought our first home long before he met me. Never has he used this as a powerplay over me. We never put the mortgage in both names b/c it would cost £500 at the time and made not a piece of difference in the event of a divorce. Our first is only just on the way after 7 yrs of marriage.

Sweetie, you are being emotionally abused. Your children do not have to see it and live with this either.

What anorak and www have said is true. Even if you were not married, the longevity of the relationship and the presence of children means that you have equal claim on the house irregardless of whose name the mortgage is in or whose bank acct the payments come from.

You are living with a man showing the emotional maturity of a stroppy 3 yr old. If it is not the house, it will be something else. Can you imagine being 60 yrs old and him still treating you like this?

Same advice, definitely see a counsellor or a solicitor or both.

Blackduck Sun 17-Apr-05 10:21:12

Don't know the legal stuff here, but have a friend whose marriage broke down - she isn't on the mortgage either, but he moved out and they are now negotiating the settlement. Think if you are married you do have a claim even if your name isn't on the deeds.....BTW his attitude stinks....I'm not married, I pay the mortgage, but there is no way I'd tell dp he has no rights to it....
I'd be sick of it in your situation too... and would probably be inclined to tell him if he doesn't like HE leaves...

PuffTheMagicDragon Sun 17-Apr-05 10:21:53

My understanding is that if you are married, assets like the house belong to you equally - I don't think he can pull stunts like this. Go and see the CAB or, a friend of mine recently went (secretly) to see a solicitor to check her rights as she and her dh were having a really bad time of it. She got half an hour/an hour's advice free which really put her mind at rest.

His behaviour towards you in this respect is awful Bonkerz. If it were me, I would gather all my facts and then present them to him calmly and clearly, together with your expectation to be treated like the equal partner that you are.

Sorry if this sounds strong, but to my mind, he's dishing out a form of mental/emotional abuse.

nikkisherri Sun 17-Apr-05 10:29:42

sorry but get a grip tell this loser to sling his hook

snafu Sun 17-Apr-05 10:34:46

'Sorry but get a grip'?? - helpful, nikkisherri, very helpful.

Bonjerz, as others have said, he can't chuck you out. That house is as much yours as his, whether you pay a penny towards it or not. In fact, if it came to the crunch it would probably be him that had to go since you are, I assume, primary carer?

This is about power and control. It's very underhand and immature and you don't have to put up with it. As others have said, why not go and see a solicitor/CAB and at least enquire about your rights, then you won't have to feel so horribly insecure when he starts throwing these pathetic threats around. Loads of luck xx

nikkisherri Sun 17-Apr-05 10:35:08

well telling it like it is.

snafu Sun 17-Apr-05 10:35:31

lol, that should of course read 'Bonkerz', not bonjerz, sorry!

Freckle Sun 17-Apr-05 10:35:35

Marriage doesn't automatically confer equal rights to everything, but it does give a married woman (or man) greater rights than a co-habitee. Even if the house is in his name and he pays the mortgage, you will have matrimonial rights - and this can even extend (in the event of a divorce) in the house being transferred to you to house you and any children. This won't happen in every case as each is decided on its merits (what needs each of you has and what resources there are there to meet those needs).

Anyway, he is clearly using your ignorance (and his come to that) of the legal position to undermine you and make you feel insecure in order to get his own way - bit of a bully, it would seem.

Have you considered counselling as your relationship doesn't sound as though it is particularly equal?

tribpot Sun 17-Apr-05 10:50:19

I agree, getting a clear handle on your legal rights will help you feel more confident in dealing with him, but that is hardly the basis for a marriage, as you appreciate! Do you think dh is actually wanting to split up and so is using spurious and immature arguments to try and force you into leaving? Or is just a very selfish person who needs - finally - to learn something about sharing and commitment?

Either way, I think step 1 is get some basic legal advice from the CAB but step 2 had to be to talk to dh about what's causing this unreasonable attitude, whether just the two of you or with a counsellor.

aloha Sun 17-Apr-05 11:05:55

Bonkerz, next time he tries this line, say 'actually, legally, I could file for divorce and YOU would have to leave and I would stay here with the kids, so think about that before you start shouting at me" - that would shock him. It's correct too. When you are legally married it doesn't matter WHO pays the mortgage or whose name the house is in. Matrimonial property belongs to the relationship, not the individual and in the case of a divorce, where there are children, women will often get to stay in the home, or if there is a LOT of equity and you could both buy a home from the proceeds it can be sold and the proceeds divided - but you would get the vast majority of the cash, because you would be looking after the kids.
Don't let him intimidate you. Do you think your relationship would benefit from Relate counselling? He certainly seems to have some issues around money that would certainly make me think about leaving him.

aloha Sun 17-Apr-05 11:08:05

BTW, the law is different for cohabitees, hence the fact that before you could be asked to leave. That is NOT the case once you are married. I see you have a stepdaughter - does this mean he was divorced? Did he lose out in the settlement (in his view at least)? If so, that might explain his attitude to money and marriage. In which case counselling really might help.

Bonkerz Sun 17-Apr-05 17:42:48

Thankyou for all your advice.

I was really upset this morning and my post sounded (when read back) really bad. My Dh and i have a good marriage all in all. We have had a tough 2 years with 2 miscarriages and diagnoses of insulin dependant diabetes in my dh to contend with and it has taken its toll alittle bit. I love my DH so what nikkisherri said is not the least bit helpful BUT i do agree that i need to be a bit tougher and wiser and find out what my rights are with regards house etc. What upsets me is that every time we have a row dh ends up threatening this.

DH actually came back at 11.30 and apologised(hed taken ds to swimming lesson), he said he didnt mean what he had said and that he didnt want to lose me. I had a big cry and told him he was an immature arse and that he had to stop saying those things to me as it just makes my insecurity worse. He has agreed that tonight when the kids are in bed we will sit down and work out what we are going to help this whole situation. As i said DH and i do have a good relationship but i do feel that he undermines the work i do just because im home all day with children and dont earn as much as him.

Thanks again for all the advice.

Bonkerz Sun 17-Apr-05 17:44:26

aloha: to answer your question, no hes not divorced but he did live with someone and she shafted him big style when she left mainly by taking his daughter without a word and using that to get ridiculous amounts of money! He has been hurt so has issues (as do i) i suppose we just need to learn to talk!

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