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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can anyone help please?

(107 Posts)
mpuddleduck Sun 01-Mar-09 23:13:48

Iam in shock,and don't know what to do.
dh isn't a violent man but hit me repeatedly 3 nights ago when drunk, saying I don't love him and who was I sh--ging, and in front of the children.
He said he was going to kill me and I left with the terrified children who had been woken by the crashing of furniture and slept in the car. But I had nowhere to go and came back.
dh hasn't said a word, we have been polite but not talked at all.
I have never found showing my emotions easy but I'm not sure I do love him anymore.
I would'nt say I'm in a violent relationship, he has been violent when drunk before, but not often, it is always my fault for not showing I love him, he just needs to be loved.

lilac21 Sun 01-Mar-09 23:18:36

There are others who know far more about this than me, but it's late and there aren't many of us about and I couldn't leave this unanswered.

It is not your fault, you must leave, contact Women's Aid and tell the police what has been happening. You owe it to your children to keep them safe and you owe it to yourself too. I'm not surprised you don't think you love him, it doesn't sound like he has been very lovable, although there are probably lots of times he has been a good husband and father, and that's while you're still with him. Put those aside now, and for your own safety and sanity get out. Stay with friends or family if you can, or go to a refuge if not.

You deserve better, and so do your children.

hobbgoblin Sun 01-Mar-09 23:22:05

Although alcohol can dull reaction and create some degree of amnesia it does not totally take over your brain to the point where you might, say, murder somebody with zero awareness of what you are doing.

If he is not prepared to address this first thing once sober then this makes an already incomprehensibly dangerous situation worse as he is apparently in denial.

He knew who you were when beating the crap out of you, he has repeated the violence.

I don't think you need any further reason to leave to a place of safety until such time as he has categorically proven his willingness and ability to change, i.e. by getting on some programme or other to deal with his alcohol issues and anger/violence issues.

PS there isn't a love threshold that you need to cross in order to guarantee not being physically hurt.

jasper Sun 01-Mar-09 23:23:51

your dh MOST CERTAINLY IS a violent man.

He may well carry out his threat to kill you.

GET OUT NOW

HolyGuacamole Sun 01-Mar-09 23:30:31

You are in a violent relationship.

How many beatings does it take before you can describe your relationship as violent? IMO - ONE!

You sound as if this is normal? Like it is just something that happens. Well - it is NOT normal. There is no excuse.

You have came back to the house and he cannot even find words to say to you! This is BIG RED FLASHING warning signals for you.

No one puts their hands on you for any reason, ever. It is not love, it is not a relationship and it is extremely bad for your children to witness this. Honestly, people are going to come along here and tell you exactly what you should do to get out of this situation as quickly as possible and I hope within the next couple of posts that you realise how dangerous a situation you are really in.

Your children are in danger of being emotionally, if not physically, damaged long term by this mans actions.

hobbgoblin Sun 01-Mar-09 23:31:53

Most women in your situation stay longer than they should (I do) for all manner of reasons. What are yours? WomensAid won't make you leave before you are ready but they will help you work out how to leave if you want to and help you stay mentally wrong when your self esteem is in shreds due to physical/mental abuse.

hobbgoblin Sun 01-Mar-09 23:31:54

Most women in your situation stay longer than they should (I do) for all manner of reasons. What are yours? WomensAid won't make you leave before you are ready but they will help you work out how to leave if you want to and help you stay mentally wrong when your self esteem is in shreds due to physical/mental abuse.

Alambil Sun 01-Mar-09 23:33:39

0808 2000 247

followed by the local police phone number and asking to speak to the Domestic Violence Unit as you have a report to make

I hope you can.... be brave.

mpuddleduck Sun 01-Mar-09 23:33:50

I appreciate your replies, I'm not sure he is in denial, when we talked about this last time he geuinely thought it was my fault, and like I say I probably haven't shown him very much affection, I have been too busy being a Mum and working etc etc. He is only violent occasionally when drunk and this is the first time the children have been involved. But I think this is why Iam braving talking on here, I didn't think he would maintain his anger in front of the children.I suppose Iam worried about ruining their lives if I leave, but now they are involved as well emotionally.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine Sun 01-Mar-09 23:35:47

You can call the police, have him removed from the house and prevented from returning. Even if it's technically 'his' house.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=00010001000800010001 Here.]] That's the WOmen's Aid website, they will help you. Sorry but your relationship is not saveable: he thinks he has the right to beat you up because you're property.
Wishing you luck and strength to get rid of him.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine Sun 01-Mar-09 23:38:17

Hey, you don't have to love him. He doesn't deserve it. What a total fucking wanker. Does he really think that beating you up is going to make you realise that he's the best man in the whole world?
Your DCs lives will be worse if you stay than if you leave.

sb6699 Sun 01-Mar-09 23:39:42

Sorry to be blunt but you ARE in a violent relationship and you should leave especially if he doing this in front of the children.

As hobbgoblin said, contact Womens Aid who will be able to discuss your options (including emergency housing) with you.

In the meantime, pack an "emergency bag" containing things you will need if you need to leave in a hurry - overnight clothes for you and dc's, passports, bank books, birth certificates and any other important documents. If possible leave it with a friend/relative so if you are in immediate danger you can walk out without even having to consider anything.

I know it is difficult, but please be strong and so something about your situation. You and your dc's need to be safe - everything else is irrelevant.

DeeBlindMice Sun 01-Mar-09 23:44:08

It is not your fault.

Being drunk is no excuse.

You are in a violent relationship.

Please contact women's aid asap

HolyGuacamole Sun 01-Mar-09 23:44:42

Your children will absolutely not be damaged if you were to find the courage to leave him.

What they would see and learn for their own futures is utterly invaluable: that you don't ever accept someone lifting their hands to you - drunk or not, that you don't accept someone who turns Jekyll when drunk, that you don't keep a violent mans actions secret (therefore protecting him from any consequences -he can only do this because it is secret).

I feel so sad for you because it is really apparent how normal this is for you, ie, it's when he is drunk, it's never in front of the kids etc etc. You sound like you need an awful lot of courage to deal with this. Do you have anyone in RL that you can confide in?

hobbgoblin Sun 01-Mar-09 23:50:02

Not sure what happened to typing with some of my words there hmm Should say 'I did in brackets and emotionally strong not wrong!

I personally think you need to leave, immediately and I agree with solid that it is so bad that it is not a situation worth going back to. However, I know how much I personally struggle with coming to terms with harsh reality, and that for some women, having it in your head that you are leaving 'temporarily' gives you enough space to consider leaving at all. Usually once you've left and are a little stronger, going back seems ridiculous. However, right now I am guessing that it seems like an enormous move and rather irrationally you think the children will fare better if you hold it together.

Very gently, even with limited info, and even without your list of 1000 'yes buts' I can tell you that that isn't true.

Refuges are shite, overall, but bearable. My DC ask to go back! But being hurt physically and emotionally by someone you thought you loved and who loved you hurts so much deeper and longer.

Alambil Sun 01-Mar-09 23:52:35

"I'm not sure he is in denial, when we talked about this last time he geuinely thought it was my fault".....

Womens Aid say:

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.

"and like I say I probably haven't shown him very much affection, I have been too busy being a Mum and working etc etc."

Womens Aid say:

'Blaming the victim' is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour, and quite often they manage to convince their victims that the abuse is indeed their fault. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Blaming their behaviour on someone else, or on the relationship, their childhood, their ill health, or their alcohol or drug addiction is one way in which many abusers try to avoid personal responsibility for their behaviour.

"I suppose Iam worried about ruining their lives if I leave, but now they are involved as well emotionally."

Womens Aid say:

Children can witness domestic violence in a variety of ways. For example, they may be in the same room and may get caught in the middle of an incident, perhaps in an effort to make the violence stop; they may be in another room but be able to hear the abuse or see their mother's physical injuries following an incident of violence; or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing the victim. Children are completely dependent on the adults around them, and if they do not feel safe in their own homes, this can have many negative physical and emotional effects. All children witnessing domestic violence are being emotionally abused, and this is now recognised as 'significant harm' in recent legislation (1).





I know that's a very long post, but please do read it

Pawslikepaddington Sun 01-Mar-09 23:58:29

It took my xp smashing a window over my 8 week old dd's head before I had the guts to leave, and even then it took me another week. Get out, now. He will not get better, he will get worse, and he will drink earlier and earlier in the day/beat you in the morning when he is still drunk from the night before, simply so he can blame it on the alcohol. I didn't think it was domestic violence because he only did it when drunk, but it is. Please get out of there-he will not change for you, no matter what you try and do-I am so sorry you have to go through this.

BennyAndJoon Mon 02-Mar-09 00:02:20

mpuddleduck - Please please please call 0808 2000 247

"followed by the local police phone number and asking to speak to the Domestic Violence Unit as you have a report to make " as Lewis fan said

Please

HolyGuacamole Mon 02-Mar-09 00:07:41

Bumped this for you

hellymelly Mon 02-Mar-09 00:15:33

Please listen to pawslikepaddington,please get out.It will get worse,it will,and you will just be less and less equipped to leave.Until you go you won't really understand the impact of how he has been treating you because you are in the thick of it but with time and distance you will.A word of warning,many violent men react very badly to their partner threatening to leave.Plan it,take the children,and go.Do not tell him.If he will be there when you leave make sure you have friends with you.hugs to you x

Pawslikepaddington Mon 02-Mar-09 00:22:49

That's true hellymelly-he will find ways to stop you leaving (will cry, tell you he will kill himself, tell you he will find you and kill you, tell you you can't manage on your own etc, all of which you will believe as who knows you better than your dh after all?) It is all lies. He will not kill himself (although he may come after you if you stay too long-I am studying law-I have read the cases). In my case I was sat on a bus with dd after going to buy nappies. I had no money as he controlled it all, and just decided I wasn't going to get off the bus at my stop, and wasn't going home that night, and didn't. I went to a women's homeless charity in the town instead, explained, and was put under immediate protection. I turned my phone off so he couldn't try and lure me back ( listened to the phone messages a few weeks later and they were awful!) and made sure he couldn't contact me. 5 years on I'm great, dd is great, I am VERY wary of men (but surely that is a good thing!) and am almost out of the debt he landed me in.

JodieO Mon 02-Mar-09 00:24:44

You ARE in a violent relationship. Get yourself and your children out while you still can. If you don't want to for yourself then think of them. I left my h 6 months ago as he was abusive and I've never looked back, it took a while but it's the best thing I could have done.

JodieO Mon 02-Mar-09 00:25:51

Oh and sorry to be harsh but you will ruin your children's lives if you stay imo, not if you leave.

Pawslikepaddington Mon 02-Mar-09 00:40:19

One more thing and then I will stop dominating this-I know you are thinking "but you all don't know him, he is so sweet the rest of the time. This is really out of character for him" etc, but it is for pretty much every other violent husband/partner. No one would get together with them in the first place (unless they had some weird kink) if they were horrid and violent all the time. He doesn't have to be aggressive all the time to be a violent partner.

warthog Mon 02-Mar-09 06:39:30

he IS violent.

and now your children have seen it.

it just keeps getting worse doesn't it?

please get out for your children's sake if not your own. they need a mum much more than a violent dad.

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