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Is my husband cheating AGAIN?? Help!

(89 Posts)
juliaruralwife Tue 24-Feb-09 13:02:26

I would love some advice on what to do with myself and my life! I feel trapped and alone...

My DH has had 2 affairs over the years - which have totally destroyed my trust and turned me into a snooping doubter. We worked through these affairs and moved on - and out of London to a very rural life. He now works in London and I am on my own in stupid big house during the week (kids at school).

However latest issue arrived on Valentines. He had to go to a work thing and couldn't make it back til Sunday. I had said I didn't mind him missing Feb 14th - but never said lets ignore it totally! So on evening of 14th he didn't call and said he had fallen asleep. He came back on Sunday empty handed and hungover.

So alarm bells start ringing and when he came home I had a look through his bag. (Last year I found a filthy Valentine from some bint from his office - counselling and reconcillation followed that episode). And I found some pills called Cialis. Anyone heard of these? They are like Viagra but not immediate - you take them in the morning and guarantee a no problem hard on later apparently.

So I confronted him with them and he said they were for a friend. Comical really! i obviously told him I ddn't beleive a word and the only way I might beleive him was for him to hand over the tightly guarded blackberry so I could check for texts emails (it was clean but he has learnt by now having been caught out before this way).

Of course I think he may have been with someone else on the evening of Feb 14th.

I asked him to swear on our childrens lives that he had never taken one and he told me had taken one - on his own! Why?? He then changed his story and said that he had got them for us. That he had been worried about our sex life (?what sex life?) as he comes to soon, doesn't make me come and that he worries about hurting me. (I have an unfortunate cyst which occasionally flares up but hasn't been a problem for years)

Blimey this is getting personal!

Anyway his gist was that I should be grateful that he was concerned enough to go to the Dr and do something about our sex life. However when he is at home he slumps into bed, tells me life is shit and promptly falls asleep. I would be totally up for some action but he never appears to be - he never makes a move anyway.

What am I to make of all this? I dont really trust him.

I am lonely, unemployed (been a full time Mum for last 10 years and so am financially dependant) and feel my life is wasting away keeping house (badly according to him) for a man who has no respect for me, is constantly critcal.

I know lots of you will say - get off your arse and get a life/job etc. But I dont know where to begin... HELP!!

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid Tue 24-Feb-09 13:06:26

my god what a pile of claptrap sad

sounds like he's lying a lot

any way of checking discreetly whether he was actually on a work do?

BennyAndSwoon Tue 24-Feb-09 13:08:14

Well I would be suspicious.


"and feel my life is wasting away keeping house (badly according to him) for a man who has no respect for me, is constantly critcal."

That needs dealing with too.

You are worth more than that.

juliaruralwife Tue 24-Feb-09 13:11:30

I know he was at an event during the day as he made sure to forward me the details etc. The evening is not accounted for.

I know I am worth more - thank you B&S. I just feel so stuck!

Fluffybubble Tue 24-Feb-09 13:12:59

Hmm...given his history I think that you have very valid concerns. In addition, he really should be doing his utmost to convince you that you are his priority, since you have been good enough to put up with his past behaviour.

I think you've nailed the key to this though - you need some confidence in yourself. Can you start off in a small way? Volunteer for something, help part time in school, join a gym...just something to give you that boost? From this you may be able to get some work and start to think of a future for yourself.

You deserve better than the way he's treating you and it sounds as if you are coming to realise that too. I am single but much happier now than I was when I was in a relationship that treated me with very little respect. It is scary going it on your own but it is better than living with someone who treats you badly sad.

beanieb Tue 24-Feb-09 13:13:00

Are you certain they were prescribed (the pills) as they can be bought online. No advice on how to find out if they were but I would be shocked if my OH tried to sort out a sexual problem without running it past me first.

I would ask him when he took it and why he needed to take it on his own if they were supposed to be to improve your sex life rather than just his...

Flightattendant27 Tue 24-Feb-09 13:14:59

It doesn't sound believable what he says sad

I think you need to start thinking forward and building up your own life into something that makes you happy. He sounds like a right get sad

beanieb Tue 24-Feb-09 13:15:30

Also the internet says about these pills "CIALIS works only with sexual stimulation

You won't get an erection just by taking CIALIS for daily use. Sexual stimulation is needed to get an erection. When sexual activity is over and blood flow to the penis decreases, your erection will go away."

so they don't just give you a hard-on, he would still need stimulation either from himself or someone else.

I would be suspicious because the story changed (first they were for a freind etc) but I suppose he could have been embarrassed about taking them.

MrsLemon Tue 24-Feb-09 13:19:10

Oh dear! I too would be very suspicious!

I have to say that I soooooooo understand your predicament. I too am a SAHM (for ten years) and financially dependent. So I know only too well how this makes certain options harder to contemplate!

I dunno what to suggest unless you go back undecover - dunno if that is a wise or stupid decision but I have learnt if you keep your suspicions to yourself for as long as possible, you have a far better chance in finding out more details and getting closer to the truth. Some may say a relationship not based on truth and trust is a sham and this method stinks. But when I discoverd my OH was playing the field, I found the discretion for as long as possible gave me the answers he would not! Very painful though.

Have you asked him WHY he said the tabs were for a friend and then for him??? I dont know about those tablets, but have they come from the Dr really? Or has he orderd them off some dodgy website/magazine?

Owls Tue 24-Feb-09 13:22:14

From what you've put I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

I would be so tempted to hire a PI. I know that if you did you would have to deal with the fallout but at least you'd know what you were dealing with.

You must feel like you're living in Gaslight.

So sorry for you. What a horrible situation.

juliaruralwife Tue 24-Feb-09 13:27:42

Thank you all so much for your words - means alot!

To answer some of your concerns - I called his Dr and he told me he had prescribed them. Dr could see why I was asking and told me that it was perfectly normal for a stressed out man his age to worry and this was like a guarantee and that I shouldn't worry!

Love your point beanieb! If he got them to help us why didn't he tell me or just take them and give me a good seeing to! He claims he was embaressed to talk to me about it. But makes no sense to make up a lie which would drag up bad history rather than say "its all for you darling"!

And thank you fluffybubble, I have been thinking about volunteering - I shall do something about that.

motherlovebone Tue 24-Feb-09 13:29:25

sounds like he is cheating.

you now have to decide what you are going to do about it, if anything.

do you love him?

prettyfly1 Tue 24-Feb-09 13:38:55

Julia I still think he is cheating and are doctors allowed to share that kind of info, even with partners?

belusie Tue 24-Feb-09 14:10:04

I understand completely what you're going through. From what you say, it sounds like he's almost daring you to challenge him - his behaviour isn't exactly subtle, is it. So then the question is, are you ready to?

Easy for me to say. Harder to do. I know because right now, I'm spending more energy on snooping when I know I should be out there getting a life of my own. I think what I feel is that when I'm ready to move on with my life, I will. And I'd guess it's the same with you. No one can tell you what to do and when - but you'll know the moment when it comes.

Good luck!!!

blinks Tue 24-Feb-09 14:12:22

GPs would never give out patient information like that.

juliaruralwife Tue 24-Feb-09 14:13:58

I think I have set a precedent by forgiving him past affairs. Part of me wants to leave him and start a new life for myself but I am so scared to - no money, no job etc. My sister got divorced recently and has a big£ job and a boyfriend and still finds it hard.

And whether Dr.s are allowed to share that info or not this one did! Kinda unethical. Anyway if dh goes back for more the Dr will surely bring it up that perhaps he should be talking to his wife?

If you had asked me a few weeks/months agao if he was cheating I would have said probably not. As in, he is not going out in London loads and is too busy at work to have the energy... Radar has never been wrong before though.

Even if he is not cheating I am not happy

blinks Tue 24-Feb-09 14:16:35


TheShipsCat Tue 24-Feb-09 14:39:51

FWIW, I don't think it is really the problem whether DH is cheating or not. You sound unhappy, and maybe need to look at your life independently of your feelings about DH. How far are you prepared to go to change your life? Could it be an easy fix - joining a club, going out more, seeing old friends, or is it a whole lifestyle change you need? If you are not happy with DH whether he is cheating or not, then I wouldn't put too much effort into catching him out - that's just putting your focus and efforts into the wrong thing. Instead work out how you can make your life better - with him, or without him.
I really feel for you, and hope you can find something which makes you happy. Good luck.

prettyfly1 Tue 24-Feb-09 15:10:26

Ummm. Where did you get his docs info from, is it a private surgery? Have you met him? I am just absolutely stunned that he would breach client confidentiality like that. Is he definately your partners doctor? Particularly if this doctor knew you had concerns about your partners fidelity - under no circumstances could a doctor tell you it would be ok. Theres no chance your h set it up is there??? Did he tell you to call the doc and give you the name??? Something just isnt right about that and please dont think i am doubting you but if my doctor did that i would freak!!!

blinks Tue 24-Feb-09 15:13:57


HuwEdwards Tue 24-Feb-09 15:21:16

"Kinda unethical"??

No 'kinda' about it.

juliaruralwife Tue 24-Feb-09 15:26:47

I know the Dr. He is a private doc who I know well and trust - he saved my youngest sons life when he was a baby by diagnosing him when GP missed symptoms. I have no reason to doubt him. I guess he told me cos he could tell I was upset and wanted to help...

Doesn't really excuse it tho.

goodnightmoon Tue 24-Feb-09 16:33:12

i'm blown away your Dr would share that kind of info. not that it really matters since the Dr doesn't know what your DH's motives were.

unfortunately it sounds like he is up to his old ways.

you need to regain your sense of self-worth.

volunteering is a great idea.

anything physical could also reap big rewards.

blinks Tue 24-Feb-09 16:41:41


juliaruralwife Tue 24-Feb-09 16:51:21

Thanks so much for all your help and support - you have given me the boost I needed to get out there and do something for myself.

I'm off to google local volunteering ops...

What a great lot of people you all are! Thanks x

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