Am struggling with my marriage at the moment - anyone else get married quite young?

[Fullhouse78]

I got married at the age of 22. Now 8 years later I have changed so much - imo I have grown up and am having a hard time not thinking about leaving - I guess if it wasn't for ds I would and that makes me feel horrible.

dh is a good man, but he hasn't changed at all, and I am not sure how to approach this with him.

TBH I am not sure how to write down how I even feel about this.

Anyone else had similar experiences?

[newmummy27]

hi, i have just posted a similar post and am the same. i didnt marry young, but been with husband since 21 and now 33.
we started relate and that was one thing i brought up, i have changed, he haasnt and worse, he doesnt want to or beleive he needs to in anyway. relate said what worked before doesnt work now so you need to make changes. still stuck though, and i feel awful to. i sympathise.

[SparklyGothKat]

I married at 18, have been with DH since 16, am 30 now. Defo have changed. Its hard.

[Fullhouse78]

Thanks for your replies, I think when I hit 30 it was the hardest, I just kicked myself about jumping at the first proposal I got and not waiting until I had matured a bit.

I just feel so guilty, dh is not abusive or anything like that, but we don't have anything in common, and I don't feel connected to him really at all.

Maybe my mother was right (something I wouldn't admit easily to)

[hazygirl]

we got married at 18,had dd same week and moved in together same month,yes its been hard ,weve just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary ,we also met at 16.

[Fullhouse78]

Oh thanks FioFio, we do talk, but it is mainly about him, his family, his work and interests. If I try and say something he zones out and I feel worthless when he does that. And there is nothing about what I love to talk about, he has "more important things on his mind" apparently.

[BrownSuga]

I was young and like you changed a lot. Found my feet and really developed as a person. My xH didn't, and we ended up divorced. He, however, was not a good person, he had many issues which he tried to turn on me, and a very complicated, awful family. He also wasn't willing to do anything to change himself, he was perfect you see.

First thing is to work out what you want/need out of your marriage or for yourself in life, then discuss it with him from that point of view and ask him how he can help you achieve it. That may open the dialogue.

[EffiePerine]

We were both in our early 20s and have been married 10 years - I'd ask exactly what the problem was. Is it that you have changed/grown up/got married too young or that you have been together for 8 years? The 7 year itch isn't a myth...

my parents were married at about the same age and have been together for nearly 40 years. I think getting married young can be a convenient excuse in this day and age for a natural kicking back after being together for a while. Personally I'd work through it with LOTS of thought about what you both want.

[Fullhouse78]

Thanks BrownSuga, that is a good plan.

And thanks Effie as well, I understand the thing about a convenient excuse, but in my case I don't think it is. I definitely was a different person at the time, I had come out of a difficult family dynamic and therefore had a few personal problems, and then I met this guy and put aside all my concerns about what he was like because it was getting me away from this situation. Now these issues, although not big in the context of things, have come back to haunt me and I don't really know what to do.

[electra]

I married young too - was 21. Perhaps in my case the whole marriage thing doesn't suit me anyway... Marriage fell apart when I was 26. My ex-H and I now get on well though -- it was very unpleasant when we were breaking up but we get on fine now, apart as we are.

I doubt that I will ever get married or live with someone again but would have a relationship where we live apart.

My view is that life is too short to waste years of it unhappy. My ex-H and I did have some very happy times together which I don't regret. But staying together would not have been the right thing.

[EffiePerine]

I'm sure you aren't using it as an excuse - just that as you obv know long-term relationships are tricky things and you do need to work at them (I keep forgetting this which can easily become a problem). If he won't go to Relate with you you can go on your own... but you've a better chance if you both want to work through things (to whatever outcome)

[Fullhouse78]

I would like to go to Relate, but I know that he would be incredibly hurt if I suggested this and then ironically probably leave me.

I do actually want to work on this, I think I am just really stuck in a rut at the moment.

Thanks for all your responses, I have to go and pick up ds now, will write more when I can.

[sowhatis]

same situation here. i dont knw what advice to offer, but im in the same boat.

[bestfriendswithbenefits]

Fullhouse, I am the same. Been together since we were 20, am now 33. I'm very unhappy. Electra, the same as you - came from a difficult upbringing, dh was the first excuse to escape it. He's not a bad person, it's just I have changed, and he hasn't.

Electra, I also long to live by myself ( with the children ). I would love to think that could happen one day. I was only thinking yesterday about nice it would be to live alone, but with the possibility of a relationship. I really feel like life is just passing me by.

[BrownSuga]

Fullhouse and Best, I got married in similar circs, re escaping difficult upbringing. Do you think that looking back, your DH was the right fit for you? If I'm perfectly honest, there were warning signs about mine, and his family, but I went ahead anyway.

Can you put your finger on anything specific that you want to see change or is it a more general overall feeling? (For me, I was about 4th in line of his priorities, and he wanted the 2.4 children, SAHM, picket fence type life, which I didn't. He also had to do everything he wanted at a million miles an hour as if he were running out of time, and wouldn't slow down a little to accommodate me. Oh yes, and he was also an arse)

[bestfriendswithbenefits]

I genuinally feel that I married the wrong man. It was pretty good for a few years, because he gave me the safety, comfort and kindness that I needed at that time, but there was never much more. Now I'm older, wiser, I don't actuallu need those things from him anymore, and unfortunately, he can't give me anything else.

[sowhatis]

i knew before i married him that i wasnt 100% sure - wish id have listened to myself.

he is a good man, but i have changed and altohugh we are 'trying' to make things work - i just dont know. i think we have to try counselling as one last 'try'.

i dont want to divorce - but i want to be happy.

[TheMightyMarge]

Hi Fullhouse
Maybe you are focusing on the wrong issue, that is that you married young, instead of getting to the core, which might be that your husband makes you feel worthless by not listening to you or be interested in what you have to say?
I'm sure plenty of people married young but are capable of growing up together and still be interested and cherish the other person. And I'm sure lots of people marry older and "grow apart" or have issues arising after a while.
I feel really bad for you being in a relationship where your needs are not being met and where you are made to feel worthless; you are as important as him! Have you tried pointing out that your communication is quite one-way?
Good luck

[TheThoughtPolice]

I married at 21, DH was 34.

I am now 27 and things are still good, absolutely no regrets but I know that early on DH was very afraid that I would 'outgrow' him. He worried that I would wake up one day and think that I'd 'lost' my twenties being with a divorced father of 2, being a step parent and also bio parent and blame or resent him for it .

I think some couples do just grow apart, whether they marry at 18 or 48. Some relationships just run their course sooner than others.

[Fullhouse78]

Thanks once again for all your replies and support, sorry I couldn't get to a computer last night to write anything.

TPHW I like your questions, I went for a run last night and had a good think about those.

Yes I still think I got married too young, I think if I had my time again I would wait until this age. And some of it could definitely be the seven year itch, I had actually heard of that before but kept thinking it was just a joke. Maybe it's not so much of a joke as I thought.

I have definitely changed in the past 8 years, I feel I have grown stronger, more confident and I don't see the world as I did then. DH hasn't changed, and I find some of the things he does now quite hard to deal with, as opposed to then when I just let it pass me by.

But is it enough to go to Relate to? Would it be worth going just to say that I have changed and he hasn't? I am still not sure whether he would go either - it is a cultural thing really and it would cause him so much 'shame' that it would be difficult. However if it is going to save our marriage...

But I like BrownSuga's suggestion too, and I was thinking about this last night. I should figure out what I want, maybe get out and meet people that do the things I am interested in, and try to find something that we can do together.

There are still so many things to be worked on (and one of those is him not listening to me), but I think in the cold hard light of day I am not ready to throw it all away just yet.

Thanks once again for all your help, I was in a really low place yesterday and you helped me to see a different side.