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DP says he thinks I have put on too much weight and am not as attractive any more.

(54 Posts)
GetOrfMoiLand Wed 18-Feb-09 16:38:22

I am feeling very grim at the moment.

DP has been making comments about what I eat (say if I finish all my dinner etc) and saying 'greedy' and other helpful comments. Yesterday I asked him if he genuinely thinks I am fat or if he was just joking (oh lolol how funny). He says that I am more overweight than I was when we met and he doesn't find me as attractive as he used to.

As you can imagine I am completely deflated, i kind of knew he was thinking this but I am completely demoralised to disover he is this shallow. He could be 18 stone and covered in scales and I would still feel the same as i always have.

The silly thing is that I do not think I am fat. When he met me I was a size 8 (achieved from watching what I ate and a lot of exercise). yes, I have put on weight, I am now a size 10-12. Bearing in mind I am six foot I am not exactly obese.

Fair enough I have changed physically and exercise and fitness has taken a back seat, and perhaps I should remedy that, but I am pissed off with him and feel resentful. Don't really know what to say to him (other than loud swearing). Needless to say he is normally lovely and wonderfully supportive of me, and has always been confidence boosting, compliments etc. So is a bit shocking that he has said this, i don't know whether he is (a) a misogynist that should be ignored/told to eff off or (b) he has a point. Thoughts anyone??

fattiemumma Wed 18-Feb-09 16:41:10

jesus christ if your a size 10-12 and 6ft i would be stunned if he could find a piece of loose skin on you let alone fat!

im 6'1 and my bare bones would be a size 12-14!

tell him that h e's right, you have put on weight.and since you feel so bad about how ugly you now are you couldn't possibly get naked around him any time soon so good luck with all that wanking!

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 18-Feb-09 16:43:08

lol - might just do that.

Actually am tempted to bugger off down to my mum in Devon at the weekend and leave him to stew (and also eat cream teas smile)

mrsmaidamess Wed 18-Feb-09 16:43:16

Oh dear, that's not an easy thing to hear is it? It's sad that he can only judge you on your appearance, and whilst I think it is important to take pride in what you look like for your own sake and your partners, you hardly sound like the Bride of Frankenstein.

I'm not sure what advice to give you TBH...have you told him how upset it made you? Have you asked him what he would do if you were disfigured by illness or an accident? That might snap him out of his shallow 'appearances are everything' mindset.

cyteen Wed 18-Feb-09 16:43:50

hmmm, difficult. if he's normally lovely, supportive, loving etc. maybe he has got the idea that you are unhappy with yourself and is trying to motivate you to restart exercise and so forth. although that wouldn't explain all the comments on your eating habits...

what are his fitness habits?

i do think you need to ask him where this has come from and make sure he knows that he's pissed you off upset you.

ilovemydogandMrObama Wed 18-Feb-09 16:44:39

Main issue is what you yourself think.

Making little snide comments isn't really grown up, and aren't partners supposed to make you feel better about yourself rather than crappy comments such as, 'he doesn't find you as attractive...'

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine Wed 18-Feb-09 16:45:17

You are certainly not fat, and I am not surprised that you were hurt and upset: so many women take on board so much of the propaganda that it's wrong for a woman to eat what she likes, that women should be as thin as possible, etc etc that any suggestion that a woman is not thin can make her feel terrible.
It doesn't sound very good that your DH is commenting on what you eat in this way: I suppose I could just about imagine that he has absorbed some or other silly health scares about the Obesity Crisis and is concerned for your wellbeing. What is his body shape like, though, and has it changed? Could it be that he wants you to Get Fit as a Family? DId you previously do sporty things together and could he be missing that?>

GossipMonger Wed 18-Feb-09 16:45:31

I would go to Devon and let him stew!

I would be mortified esp as you sound at an ideal size now (size 8 was prob v skinny for someone so tall)

No sex for a long long time. Take the kids and let him think about what he said.

poshsinglemum Wed 18-Feb-09 16:47:04

He sounds like a knob. Size 10-12- that's a perfect size.

thumbwitch Wed 18-Feb-09 16:47:34

i love that you would love your DH even if he was 18st and covered in scales!grin

BUT - has he changed? Has he put on any weight? Is he self-conscious about it at all? If so, he might just be projecting outwards - he might be feeling disgusted with himself but can't deal with that so takes it out on you cos you have a bit of flesh on you (hardly fat, though, are you?)

Just a thought - but if it's not that then I like fattiemumma's suggestion!

cyteen Wed 18-Feb-09 16:48:00

or book yourself an exciting activity holiday for a week, somewhere hot and sunny, and leave him in charge of the kids grin

PeachyHasABrokenKeyboardSorry Wed 18-Feb-09 16:48:43

"Really? coz my new partner thinks I look bloody fab" wink

OK not worth a divorce maybe but a giggle nonetheless

You are not fat, you sound bloody lovely to me.

Some men do take a lot of value from the appearance of their partner but love and amrriage should supersede that: I ahte to rbeak it to him but aging will change how you look, it is inevitable.

Ultiamtely if you want to change your looks do it because you want to but don't let him bully you intoit:either he wants you or he doesn't.It really si that simple.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 18-Feb-09 16:49:43

Well, I didn't really respond when he said that, I just sloped off to bed in high dudgeon (I love that phrase - what the hell does it mean really!!)

I am genuinely in two minds about it, obviously upset and feel a bit vile, but then at the back of my mind think he does have a point, but wished that he hadn't voiced it. Does that make any sense?

When we met I was a bit slimmer and a lot more toned - ran about 16 miles a week, went to aerobics etc. But my job was very easy and no stress. Last two years have been a roller-coaster with a very pressured job, hour commute twice a day, daughter to ship back and forwards etc etc and I just can't be arsed. Perhaps I shouldn't make excuses but still, I am not fat am I. And even of I was - does it matter (obviously does to him).

Am not making much sense - sorry smile

bumpybecky Wed 18-Feb-09 16:50:56

at 6 foot size 10-12 is in now way perfect size

I'm 6 foot and look downright skinny as a size 12-14! I've been that low after losing 3 stone and now I've put a bit back on (now 14-16) many friends and family are saying I look better than when thinner.

Your DH is being a nob. He does not have a point and needs to be told how much he is upsetting you

OrmIrian Wed 18-Feb-09 16:51:09

No you are not fat hmm At all.

And the fact that he liked you a size 8 (which must have been very very thin) says that he has an odd idea of normal. Everyone changes and I think that sometimes those changes can be too extreme and need addressing (ie putting on unhealthy amts of weight, not taking care of yourself due to low self-esteem), but in this case it seems to me that hasn't really happened.

thumbwitch Wed 18-Feb-09 16:51:45

either way, it was not a nice thing for him to say.

In any convo where woman says to man "do you think I've put on weight?" the correct response is "it doesn't matter, I love you anyway, whatever size you are". Preferably with nose OUT of the newspaper while saying it.

moonmother Wed 18-Feb-09 16:51:48

And of course he has stayed exactly the same weight and measurements since you met hasn't he.hmm

I'd tell him thanks for the confidence boost-but next time don't bother- then just to upset him abit more I'd have an second helping of dinner/pudding tonight.

If I was lucky enough to be 6 foot and a size 10-12 I'd be telling him to get him arse to an opticians to get his eyes tested.

crokky Wed 18-Feb-09 16:51:49

At 6ft tall, size 10-12 is really slim. He sounds like he has some issues with food and if you have any daughters particularly, I would make sure they don't hear him saying this sort of stuff.

OrmIrian Wed 18-Feb-09 16:52:30

Perhaps you could just start exercising again. Not to lose weight but to get some time to yourself and tone up. I'm sorry but you don't need to lose weight.

womblingalong Wed 18-Feb-09 16:53:32

Bloody hell, size 8 to size 10-12 is not fat, whether you are 5ft, or 6ft!

I would go to Devon if it was me, I think.

I had a boyfirend who said this to me once, so I sort of know how you feel, although I am 5ft.

I would say that I would do (a), as he does definitely NOT have a point. The snide comments while you are eating are childish and hurtful, I agree, and not what a DH should say.

I agree with other posters, what is his body/build/relationship with food like?

OrmIrian Wed 18-Feb-09 16:54:20

And go to Devon. Eat some cream teas!

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 18-Feb-09 16:55:09

Thanks everyone for your lovely responses smile

Think is he is very fit and likes to exercise, he gave it up for a bit (he joined me in the eating takeaways and poncing about on the sofa life plan) but about 6 months ago he got back into keeping fit, and now exercise with a mate several times a week. I suppose he is more happy with how he looks now and possibly wants me to join in and get the endorphin rush (christ, I remember that vaguely ). But the way he phrased it to me makes me want to be childish and say bollocks to your ideas and comfort myself with haribos. Perhaps I am being too precious - god knows.

It is the first time he has made me feel bad in all the time we have been together (god I sound like a precious prat don't I!) so i don't like to feel too harshly but I am still pissed off with him.

luckylady74 Wed 18-Feb-09 16:55:47

I think if you put your weight now and then into a BMI calculator you would find that you were actually underweight at a size 8 and putting yourself at risk of all sorts of things like osteoporosis and even heart problems.
Perhaps that may help your dh see he's being an arse?
I have read women on here say they'd leave their dh if he put on weight and it shocked me to the core. I too would love my dh if he was covered in scales!

OrmIrian Wed 18-Feb-09 16:57:26

Well my DH is getting fat and is covered in scales. But I still love him. I think.

spicemonster Wed 18-Feb-09 16:59:19

If he's out several times a week exercising with his mate, when are you supposed to do it?

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