H had an affair with workmate for couple of months over Christmas and New Year. I found out 5 weeks ago, he ended it (apparently) and we have been working hard to rebuild our 12+ year marriage, both for ourselves and our 3 young DC. We were doing ok, rollercoaster is the ultimate cliche but absolutely describes the experience.
I am completely stable and of an entirely even temperament usually so have found the extreme mood swings really difficult to deal with, but it was getting better. He is trying really hard, in touch all the time and actually we have found a new level of intimacy and affection most of the time. We have told no one in RL as we really wanted to maintain normality in our dealings with our friends and family who are constantly telling us what a great relationship and family life we have (blurgh).
Anyway, that's the background. Problem is that in checking his phone (with his permission when all this broke) I have discovered that he is sending and deleting lots of messages. His affair centered around CONSTANTLY texting the OW (and shagging on lunch breaks ). So I confronted him straight away and he completely denied it and said he has been texting a friend stupid messages then getting rid of them, ok but THIRTY in a day??
So now I am back at square one. I think he is lying, he is offended that I think he is lying, but has a major issue with discussing emotional problems anyway so has pretty much clammed up.
In another thread I read that the initial response to the discovery of an affair is to 'fight' for your family and the relationship that you have together, that's absolutely what I needed to do. But I am moving past that now and do not want to be taken for a mug and loose anymore self respect and control over my life than I already have. BUT I absolutely do not want to damage my children, he is a fantastic father, utterly adores them and they would miss him unbearably (as would I if I am truthful). So do I just 'suck it up' for a life that I want with the man I have spent my whole adult life with and who is pretty much my best friend (despite the fact he has crapped all over my trust and loyalty)? He is the product of a completely destroyed childhood due to parental infidelity himself and I think is tormented by the thought of doing the same thing to his own children. BUT he is weak and was flattered by the attention and had the opportunity to do it so here we are. He says he is desperately sorry, it was a fling and he loves me yada yada ya.
So you wise and wonderful women (and men), without having a crystal ball (what I wouldn't give for one of them), should I just swallow my paranoia for the sake of our future or battle it out and risk loosing everything we have had together and drive him away?
Sorry for the very lengthy waffle.
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Relationships
Post affair rebuilding set back. What comes after 'fight'?
8 replies
GraceUnderPressure · 18/02/2009 10:20
OP posts:
deepinlaundry ·
18/02/2009 11:01
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