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it just makes me want to be sick

(98 Posts)
SickSickSick Mon 11-Apr-05 19:28:15

I went to put some of DHs clothes away for him and was greeted by pornographic magazines on the top of the drawer. I know this has been covered many times here on MN before but I just had to vent. DH knows I'm not into that kind of thing, but at the same time I wasn't bothered by it cos I've never had to deal with it til today. I went back up to get them and throw them in the bin and underneath them were 2 hardcore dvds. I left them all there and just went and had a good cry. Now I just feel physically sick. I don't know what to do. I can't confront him. I'm not very 'upfront' when it comes to sexual matters. I didn't think he was like that. I thought he loved me. I thought I was enough for him.

WigWamBam Mon 11-Apr-05 19:44:19

The fact he likes porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and it doesn't mean you're not enough for him. You need to talk to him about it without confronting him - just ask him why he needs it, and tell him how it makes you feel. He won't know that it upsets you otherwise.

charleepeters Mon 11-Apr-05 19:48:18

i feel the same on the subjest and dh knows that and excepts that he just doesnt have it in the house, you need to bite the bullett and say look i love you very much but this makes me uncomfortable so please could you not bring it nto the house, like WWB said its not thats he doesnt love you or that your not satisfying him i dont know why men have it its a mystery but if you sit him down and tell him he probably doesnt know just how bad it makes you feel thinking of you anyway hope it works out x {{hugs}}

HappyDaddy Mon 11-Apr-05 19:54:20

I very much doubt that he feels that you aren't enough for him. However, if he knows how uncomfortable the subject makes you, he should respect your feelings and get rid of them.

Janos Mon 11-Apr-05 20:19:20

I know how horrible it is to find this stuff - from someone who's been there. Do you think you would be able to talk to your DH about it and tell him how you feel? Please don't think it means he doesn't love you.

kissalot Mon 11-Apr-05 21:12:57

He'll probably be v shocked and embarrassed that you found them as he must usually hide them pretty well if he knows you don't approve and you have never found them before. I found DP's DVD still in the player and like you I felt sick and really peed off. When he came in I said 'do me a big favour and put your DVD away next time' and he was mortified! Now I don't really see it as a big issue as most men are into porn (WHY?!?) but I certainly don't want it pushed in my face and he KNOWS it! Leave them where they are and leave the drawer/cupboard open and he will have to be the one to confront you and say sorry. Chin up!!! (And you are good enough for him, it must only be a minority of men that don't like porn)

SickSickSick Mon 11-Apr-05 21:57:24

well hes gone to bed now. I dont know what to say to him. I dont know as i can even go and get into bed next to him now

Evesmama Mon 11-Apr-05 22:08:38

when he's out tomorrow, but them on the bed before he gets in from work and let him 'find' them!! then see what he has to say, that way, he'll have to bring it up!

very as i wouldnt be gutted too.

purplelizzy Mon 11-Apr-05 22:18:42

Stick some photos of yourself in a couple of the mags. Trust me, it works.

Nickster Tue 12-Apr-05 13:53:09

in his defence - at least he's not out there getting it elsewhere. See it as recognising a need of his too. Its a lonely time for him as well with so many changes. He could be out there getting it elsewhere so try to understand his feelings as well. Try to make him feel like yo still are attracted to him as well.

SickSickSick Tue 12-Apr-05 13:56:27

what changes? I do show him i love him. thats why i cant understand this. its a need is it? getting off on seeing other women other than your wife?

Nickster Tue 12-Apr-05 14:03:21

But you are enough for him - Love & intimnacy are two different things in mens eyes unfortuntely. He obviously knows you will see it eventually so perhaps he put it there so you will see it. It might be a cry for help. Talk to eachother. You say yourself - I'm not very 'upfront' when it comes to sexual matters. Don't feel sick with him.

SickSickSick Tue 12-Apr-05 14:06:17

we are intimate on a regular basis. why shouldnt i feel sick anyway? him bringing pornographic material into our family home when he knows i dont like it and when there is a chance that the children could see it too? he knows the thought of it makes me feel ill so why would he put it there deliberatly?

ThomCat Tue 12-Apr-05 14:06:32

I'm sorry you are so upset, but I do have to say that his having a porn collections does not mean he doesn't love you. Masterbating over pictures and loving your wife are worlds apart.
Hope you are/will be okay.

SickSickSick Tue 12-Apr-05 14:07:06

I'm falling apart over this

NomDePlume Tue 12-Apr-05 14:08:38

Porn is a masturbation aid. Men are visual creatures and many want to look at pictures of ladies minkies when they w*nk, just as most women use their imaginations for fantasy during masturbation, it's a man thing.

His masturbation habits are seperate from his sex life with you, unless of course there is a level of integration there (IYSWIM). But I'll bet my mortgage payments on his masturbation habits and 'props' having absolutely no bearing whatsoever on your sex life together. Men w*nk whether they are getting sex once a month or 5 times a week, it makes very little difference.

It's natural for you to feel affronted by this, I know I felt the same when I found stuff 'hidden' on our pc, but the fact of the matter is that I was being unfair to him. I was imposing restrictions on his behaviour that I would never want imposed on mine, IYSWIM.

My post is babbled and I'm sorry for that but the fact is that in all probability (I say that because I don't know you or him) your DH does love you and you are enough for him.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he masturbates and uses this material, as an adult he is fully entitled to do so.

NomDePlume Tue 12-Apr-05 14:10:16

FWIW, it was ThomCat who pointed my double standards out to me when I posted with a similar sort of problem.

Nickster Tue 12-Apr-05 14:13:15

Sorry, but i think you are over-reacting! Your children eventually have to learn about the bird and bees as well. Its his house as well remember and wasnlt always a family home!

mummytosteven Tue 12-Apr-05 14:13:39

i don't see that porn and masturbation are inextricably linked tho, NDP. yes, I agree with other posts that it's not about you not being enough - but if you feel that strongly about it, then there shouldn't be any pornographic material in the house.

motherinferior Tue 12-Apr-05 14:13:42

I am so sorry you feel this way. I would feel sick too.

ThomCat Tue 12-Apr-05 14:17:44

oh dear, was it nondeplumbe, i do hope i didn't upset you?

Well I probably said something like this, that masterbating is normal. Some men use an aid, ie a mag or a dvd the same way that some women use a vibrator. I own a rabbit, it doesn't mean I don't love my Dp and adore sex with him.

SickSickSick Tue 12-Apr-05 14:18:48

nickster. not at such a young age though they dont. its disgusting. FWIW i am not doing the double standards thing here. if DH doesnt like something i do etc then i stop. end of story. i love him enough to respect his wishes on the matter. why cant he do the same for me?

NomDePlume Tue 12-Apr-05 14:18:52

Of course porn and masturbation are not always linked in every case - some men don't use porn when they masturbate, some men don't masturbate. BUT if SickSickSick's DH's preference is masturbation with (legal) porn then it's not really, truly anyones place to tell him as a grown adult that he shouldn't be using it because he is a husband and father.

NomDePlume Tue 12-Apr-05 14:19:57

TC, of course you didn't upset me, you made me see sense !

lilibet Tue 12-Apr-05 14:20:54

This happened to me when I was about 8 months pregnant and the size of a small country. I took the magazines, threw them away and replaced them with copies of Practical Parenting etc.

It was never ever mentioned!

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