Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyones MIL go a bit strange since they married

(40 Posts)
sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 19:36:50

DH mother is a retired woman who seems very proper and well mannered.
DH and I married a few months back and ever since then she has changed a little.

Today during our visit she shocked me a few times.
1. When she told me I wouldn't be a career woman and a mother, she just wouldn't allow it. WTF I will do as I please!

2. We were talking about my family being practicing catholics and the fact that I am not. She looked straight at FIL and said very loudly 'well of course not she was having sex before they got married.'
I was a bit blush and so was FIL. Neither my DH nor I have ever spoke about our sex life to her!

I know it must sound petty but we are moving next month to a house 3 door down from them I'm a bit worried what she might come out with next or what she will tell the neighbors.

DH has just told me that she and his ex-wife used to talk about there sex life together. hmm

I wouldn't mind if she had always been like this but the change is bizarre.

Has anyone else MIL changed after they got married?

HecateQueenOfGhosts Sun 15-Feb-09 19:38:06

Jesus woman! DON'T MOVE NEXT DOOR TO HER!!!

Is it too late to pull out?

I predict fireworks!

hertsnessex Sun 15-Feb-09 19:39:22

3 doors down...........you poor thing.

I think keep your distance and just be civil. Dont let her comments get to you

XX

2rebecca Sun 15-Feb-09 19:41:13

Why would anyone move to the same street or even town as their inlaws?
It sounds as though you need to start standing up to her now and answering back

Twims Sun 15-Feb-09 19:46:35

Who suggested the move ??? shock

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 19:46:40

LOL it not by choice. DH has owned the house for about 15 years its in a terrible state just no way it will sell we cant go on paying for 2 houses any longer. sad
Did I mention it is a tiny village, they have lived there for 25 years! Oh GOD help its going to be hell.

HecateQueenOfGhosts Sun 15-Feb-09 19:47:29

I suggest you stock up on the booze right now.

lulalullabye Sun 15-Feb-09 19:51:16

Oh sleepy, try and do everything you can not to move.We moved into MIL house for same reasons, and it was to put it gently a f***g nightmare. Mil changes massivley after we got married and she became a witch !!

Be very very careful, stern warning.

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 19:51:44

They were meant to be moving up north this year but due to the housing market they are staying put.

Standing up to her, mmm I'm a bit worried about offending her as she is never confrontational.

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 19:56:33

OK we are renting the second house so we could extend it if we want.
If we sell the house we will probably not make the morgage and end up having to pay a short fall of about 5K which we could manage but we are trying to be sensible DH runs his own business which is connected in a big way to the building industry.

So do you all think she will get worse?

She did ask me before we got married to call her mum and FIL dad. I haven't I have wonderful parents and I didn't feel confortable with it.

mamas12 Sun 15-Feb-09 20:52:28

Just be very calm when talking to her. Her demands (for that is what they are) stem from the thought that you are a child so act like an adult with her.( I suspect she treats her son the same)
My mil was and still is like this. She once asked me, while I was just loading the washing machine with the weekly sheets wash 'did you soil those sheets?' I just said 'I beg your pardon' in my v. best english accent and rose above it. Do not act like the child she thinks you are and do not pander to any tantrums she may have over any slight. Do what you want to do as an independant adult and not what she wants you to do.
Oh dear sorry to sound negative but once she realises that you are not what she expects she will back off a little I hope

lessonlearned Sun 15-Feb-09 20:52:47

You need to talk with DH about developoing a charm offensive to put her off. It sounds like she's nervouslly (sp) trying out an approach here and you need to establish the territory you are comfortable with - without excluding her. It sounds to me that she is trying to establish an intimacy that she feels --in charge of--important in.

lessonlearned Sun 15-Feb-09 20:54:01

Sorry hyphens don't work

2rebecca Sun 15-Feb-09 21:19:53

What do you mean she is never confrontational? Telling another adult you won't allow them to work is extremely confrontational, as is discussing another adult's sex life.
It sounds as though the problem is more that no-one confronts her confrontational behaviour so she gets away with saying unreasonable things. I think if you make a stand early re these sorts of comments it is easier than bottling stuff up and exploding or never seeing her.
I can see the logic in doing a house up before you move, but make sure husband knows you definitely want to move and are not happy about being so near his parents. Why did he buy somewhere 3 doors away anyway?

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 21:20:18

Mama your right I do need to take control, I'm usually a strong person and always stand up for myself I supose the role of DIL is new to me so I'm being more cautious than usual.

Lesson you could be right trying to be friendly but coming over a bit familiar.

DH suggestion was 'well dont get into conversations with her' hmm That will work.

I think I might start with asking for the house key back.
And the next time she mentions how we should raise our future children (we are TTC and I had a recent MC I wonder if maybe why I was a bit senstive to the working mum comment)I will be polite but firm and tell her we will make our own decisions on how to conduct our lives/raise a family.
She has even told us that our children (they haven't even been conceive FFS!) will be going to the village school! Uhh no there aren't but I wont dare tell her that yet.

2rebecca Sun 15-Feb-09 21:28:27

Why does she need a housekey? Understandable if you have kids she looks after whilst you're not there, but as you don't odd. I suppose someone having a sparekey to water plants if on holiday/ let you in if you lock yourself out may behandy, but I wouldn't want anyone having a key just so they can let themselves into my house. I'd tell her you intend to move when the house is sold early on. She's sounding very pushy.

PottyCock Sun 15-Feb-09 21:31:03

she sounds like a nightmare - my mil turned into a right witch after i had dd. it's a competition in her head, and she's trying to exercise dominance over you.

don't whatever you do move to her village!

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 21:31:58

Rebbeca it was done in a very jolly tone. I would have said something at the time I was so shock

The house aparently DH was looking to buy they knew this house had been empty and up for sale for a year so got it very cheap plus MIL was very keen and promised to look after the garden because DH wanted a flat orginally.
Plus DH was concered about her health and felt his parents would need someone close by. She does have some health problems but nothing serious.

Mmm now I'm a bit worried about her influence on DH.

2rebecca Sun 15-Feb-09 21:41:14

Mmm this is sounding worse. Your husband bought a house near his parents because they're getting old and frail. Do you want to be nursemaid to this pair? I'd really really try and find the money to stay renting and use all your spare time to get the house done up and then sold. If husband really wants to be near them I'd stay near enough so he can drive over and do stuff but far enough away that you won't be called on all the time and they can't pop in.Men are sometimes too keen to dump their ailing relatives on their women, if you move 3 doors away you'll never get away.
It's a trap!
Slightly tongue in cheek, but if this were me I'd be a bit worried, I like my freedom and have seen too many DILs ground down by caring for demanding, slightly frail but could do more for themselves folk that their husbands unthinkingly dump on them whilst they are "busy" with work.

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 21:43:12

The house is mostly empty so no need for a key. The other week she had been in a put what she though was rubbish in the bin. DH decided to go outside and retrieve it, emptied it all over the floor and a brand new book of mine was in there plus some wedding bits that we had saved as keepsakes. I was really upset about it as she ruined the only wedding favor we had saved. DH insisted it was an accident that she probably grabbed a handful of stuff and they were in amongst it and that she had done it before to him.

She has already told me I will be looking after the garden, DH has never cared for it before so wont know what to do. Neither do I! I set her straight on that DH will be doing it because I have hayfever.

Honestly she is a good person, I just didn't realise maybe she was umm a little controlling.

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 21:52:27

I certainly wont be looking after them! DH agrees if eldery parents need caring for we are happy to help find them a home. They aren't frail they want to go live in the highlands!
I've got a feeling her health used to be quite bad a few years ago but is now manged better.
Funny just realised, when he bought the house he had just met his first wife. They were moving until they realised we were moving into the house. hmm

Soooo How do I tell my DH I cant bare the idea of moving to the village?!
Maybe we just need to move in (we live about an hour away so cant go back and forth) and do it up very very quick!

2rebecca Sun 15-Feb-09 21:55:57

Definitely get the key back. It sounds as though she entered the house completely unnecessarily. I would never throw anything in anyone else's bin. I would also tell her that she threw some things you wanted in the bin. Your husband sounds as though he treats her more like a child than an adult. If my dad chucked anything of mine in the bin he'd be told. I love him and I wouldn't want to upset him, but I'd make it clear I didn't want him tidying up and chucking things out in my house again and that he'd been a bit overzealous. I probably wouldn't tell him he'd ruined the keepsake, but would mention having to retrieve the book.

2rebecca Sun 15-Feb-09 21:59:38

If your husband lived there for 15 years with his first wife how come it's in such a state? It doesn't sound as though he's great at looking after houses so I'd make sure he worked on it whilst you live elsewhere so he has a reason to get the work done otherwise you'll live in a mess for the next 15 years. I'd presumed this was somewhere he'd recently bought whilst between wives and had moved near mum as feeling sorry for himself.

mamas12 Sun 15-Feb-09 22:08:02

Oooh boundaries have already been crossed here haven't they. Literally over the front door step. She will be in there all the time 'helping' but her idea of rubbish is quite frankly none of her business. does your dh 'deal' with them now or does he leave you to talk or arrange anything with them because if he is already leaving communications between you as a couple and them to you then that doesn't bode well for the future. You need to let him 'deal' with them from NOW. If you know they are going to ring let him answer the phone, he needs to make decisions about presents and cards to buy. He needs to go to see them on his own sometimes etc. etc. Do not take on the role of their carer. I ended up nursing my mil through a mental breakdown in the first year of my marriage until I came to my senses and realised I just wasn't qualified. They are his parents and you are not their child.

sleepyeyes Sun 15-Feb-09 22:09:10

Ahhh rebecca that is such a looong story.
The first 5 years (they weren't married at that point)she only stayed at the weekends and it still needed DIY but not as bad, then she moved in and they ripped out bathroom and kitchen and found major plumbing issues so they paused for awhile and at this point she had an affire all work on house stopped till they sorted things out.
Then they didn't have the money to do it. Then she cheated again and finally left. Then they argued about the house for years!
She still owns half, very complicate but she should be off the morgage in the next 6 months.

Did I mention it has no central heating! But I've been told I can go to the in-laws for a heat. grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now