Violence - do I go

[atticus66]

yesterday am ? slight breakfast chaos, I was waiting a long time for a reply to a question so rolled my eyes, cue temper fit from DW with shouting and, most distressing, the belittling of a vulnerability I had confided a few weeks previously. Told her to f* off (not proud but she has said worse to me) ? she followed me up the stairs and hit me across the face twice. Since then I have been told that I deserved it and any ?red blooded? woman would do the same.

DW is on Prozac for anxiety and is generally highly strung. Normally she is very loving but sometimes a switch goes and she becomes very unpleasant. We've been together 10 years but it has been stormy. I and her parents think she needs anger management. But obviously when she is like this it is all my fault.

I know when violence starts I should walk but with a DD (4) and DS (2) I'll be the one who loses out. At what point do I realise that people don?t change.

Thanks

[mollyroger]

People can change, but they have to
a) accept they have a problem
b) want to change.

Are either of these the case?
I am assuming you are a man, as you saud DW rather than Dp, but sorry if I've got that wrong.

If you walked, would you have t leave the children with her?

not sure if this is appropriate, but they have a help/advice line. Perhaps they can point you in the right direction for some help/support for you AND your wife?

[NotQuiteCockney]

Is she getting any therapy or counselling?

I'm not sure what to recommend, tbh. I know that a woman in your situation would be told to DTMFA, there is no excuse for violence. I feel sorry for you, it's a difficult situation to be in, and the support for male victims of domestic is not great, afaik. Mostly, people seem to think it's funny.

[atticus66]

She can accept she has a problem when she is rational but not when in Mr Hyde mode. Maybe I do have to leave to force the issue and show that I can't accept it. Unfortunately we couldn't pay the mortgage If I was looking after the children so I would have to leave.

Thanks for the link mr

[mollyroger]

I think you need to find a time (when she is in 'normal' mode) to really really talk to her about what is going on and how you are feeling - see if she will agree to get some help. Even if you have to offer her a scary ultimatum.
Having said that, i know that, for exapmple, where I live, anger mananagement on NHS is non existant, but can be found privately. Is this an option?

What I do know is that, regardless of who is beng violent to whom, this environment is damaging to young children and needs action NOW before it becomes the norm.

You are in a very difficult situation, but you sound very patient and loving and I;'m sure you can find a way.

[mollyroger]

FWIW, I asked DH (who has the ability to stick up for himself in life, IYKWIM) what he would do if I hit him? He said: ''Nothing. I'd bury it and hope it all went away.''

[catMandu]

Without a doubt if you were a woman people would tell you to leave and I don't see why it should be any different because you are a man. On a practical level there is the issue of the children, a woman ordinarily takes the children and therefore they are not left with the violent partner. If you leave, the children remain with your wife - only you know if that's a good idea or not. Does she lose her temper in an overly aggressive way with the dc's?

If she had admitted there's a problem when in normal mode, then it may be that she needs something to shock her into getting some help. That shock may just be the threat of you leaving, but if you threatening it you must be prepared to follow through. You should probably look into getting some support for yourself.

[atticus66]

Yeah ? private counselling is an option, not ideal but certainly cheaper than solicitors. I confess I?m dubious though, we went to relate a few years ago and it was useless. A very timely prescription of Prozac saved us that time ? I don?t mean to imply all our problems are her fault, like most people I am far from perfect.

I could handle the hitting once or twice and the hardest thing is stopping yourself from retaliating ? but not as the culmination of years of sporadic verbal aggression.

As for the children ? I can?t accept this going on for their sake, if it doesn?t change then I have to remove that weekly drama from their lives by leaving . She is not violent to the children but does go over the top verbally some times. I imagine that wouldn?t happen so much if I was not there as a catalyst. Or maybe she might realise that it is not me making her angry. Doesn?t really seem fair that its me who misses out on being a full time father.

[NotQuiteCockney]

She may eventually become violent with the children.

You can get cheaper counselling, too. Mind have been recommended to me.

I think, given the violence, she may need solo counselling, more than you need counselling together.

[mollyroger]

and anger manamgement or cbt (for the anxiety) might be more effective than regular counselling.
( I do have to say that I have never heard of a couple actually being helped to stay together by Relate....)

[NotQuiteCockney]

I think people often go to Relate (or similar) when it's too late. I certainly have heard stories, on here, of people sorting things out via Relate.

[PerArduaAdAmor]

Atticus - if you were a woman I would say go, but as a man that may mean losing sight of your children - not fair but true. My uncle faced a similar situation about 20 years ago, and his children grew up seeing him only once a month, as his ExW moved 100 miles away. She needs to get herself better, and I think it's more likely to happen if you're around to push it. You say you think you're the catalyst for the anger, but if you go there's nothing to stop her finding a new catalyst.

So I guess my point is, if you need to shock her into seeking help, you can shock her with a threat to report her for hitting you, rather than a threat to leave? Something that you could follow through without burning a lot of bridges...

So I make sense anybody? Shouldn't be posting with the amount of migraine tabs I've taken, but my heart's gone out to the OP...

[GreatDadinTraining]

Atticus
Sorry to hear of the difficulties.
However it happens, I think you need to agree a plan with your wife to tackle all the issues.
Probably best done in an open non-confrontational way "how do we make life better, what are the ground rules (no hitting etc)", and maybe agree a written contract of how to do this - so you can refer back to that it things happen again.
I would definitely see what NHS support is available - ask the GP (who presumably is prescribing the Prozac).
I agree with all the above about the behaviour being unacceptable. However as long as you do not feel in actual danger or fear of serious harm, you may feel able to stay in the home a little longer to see if things get better. The problem with domestic violence against women is that sadly the violence often rapidly escalates, hence the usual advice is to leave "now".
Clearly if you ever really "fear" you need to leave immediately with the children.
Best wishes
GDIT

[Supercherry]

The thing that would worry me the most here is that she hasn't even apologised for hitting you! That doesn't sound to me like someone who is going to change.

Really sorry for you. What a horrible situation to be in. Have your children witnessed this?

[atticus66]

The children didn?t witness the hitting but while I was getting shouted at afterwards DD was pulling her sleeve and saying come upstairs to your bedroom mummy and trying to calm her down. I was very proud of her for being so grown up but very sad that she had to be in that position.

[poshwellies]

I don't see why this should be treated any differently just because you are male,you are suffering domestic violence.End of.

Get in contact with Mens Aid and get some advice on your next move to ensure yours and your children's safety.

Thoughts.

[lilacclaire]

Could she not leave the family home without the children. Could you arrange childcare so you could still work, either with family and/or childminder.

The violence and mental abuse cannot be tolerated, it is extremely damaging to the children also.

I don't know what you want the end result to be, but you need to start making plans and show her your not afraid to go it on your own.

[atticus66]

I know what I have to do ? recognise that I have to leave while calmly seeking a once and for all solution. It helps being led along that path.

Unfortunately I am often away overnight or longer if overseas so taking over childcare is not an option. You never know, the way the economy is going I may be in the position of being able to look after them.

[PerArduaAdAmor]

Atticus - if you're not in fear of her, and you're prepared to get her to sort herself out, then you don't need to leave immediately. But I get the impression that this is what you want to be told to do? Tell me if I'm being unfair (although I have to go out now). Just concerned that you're talking about leaving children with someone with more than a temper...

[lilacclaire]

Perhaps sharing childcare between each other then could work, could you rent a flat somewhere just now to see how things go? Might be the kick up the jacksy your dw needs?
Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to truly realise what you have done and they won't be there no matter what you dish out.

[atticus66]

Leaving is the last thing I want to do - but I think I have to recognise that it may be necessary if she doesn't want to change - it would probably take the form of a flat nearby so I would hope we could arrange some sort of joint childcare.

[lilacclaire]

I don't know what else to suggest, have you told her you are considering leaving (even though your not really), does she know what she's done is wrong.
Maybe she needs different meds and definetly anger management, 'I' would tell her i'd only stay if she goes for counselling.
If you don't do something then you are bound to snap at some point and retaliate.

[Miyazaki]

I think you need to take this seriously. From you op and posts she has an out of control temper. At the moment this is being vented on you amd soon it will be your children also. She MUST get this under control - can you ask her to speak to her GP, not just about the anxiety but also the violence. Do you want to stay with her? Do you love her? Is your home happy generally, iyswim?