How would you feel if you ended up having the same relationship with your child as you currently have with your mother?

[tortoiseshell]

I was just thinking about this - having spent a few days at my parents - I would be SO sad if when grown up my children and I had the relationship I currently have with my parents - it's fine, not something I worry about, but very distant. We always have been, so much so that if I'm upset about something it is most important to me to hide it from my parents. I hope I will have a warmer relationship with my children when they are adults - how about anyone else?

[MaryP0p1]

I would be devistated and have spent the time I have been a mother trying NOT to be like mine.

[hunkermunker]

I will be really happy if my children have the same relationship with me as I do with my parents. I am really, really lucky - they're intelligent, warm, witty and very loving. And I see that all the more with the way they are with DS - they think he's fantastic (and they're not wrong ).

[desperatehousewife]

what a great question!

[LGJ]

Lockets


Are you me ??

[Tortington]

nope its not going to happen becuase i am not going to be a bitter twisted out trout. just an old trout. i also dont have tht false pride that prevents me from saying sorry when i know i am wrong. however i do expect to have my own life when my kids leave and hope they willnot be of the opinion that they can rely on me to drop everything for them when they are 26 becuase i just might be to pissed on a bottle of wine in another country if i am very lucky

[Lonelymum]

Not good as my relationshop with my mother is not all I would wish it. Think it might go that way though. Well, it could be worse.

[happymerryberries]

I'd kill myself, quite literaly. My mother has dementia and I would rather be dead than to live as she is. She has wonderful care from a superb set of nurses, but I know, as she told me 3 years ago in one of her lucid moments, that she doesn't want to live this way. And neither would I. If I end up like that I want someone to put me out of my suffering.

[Mirage]

I couldn't be happier if dd & the new baby had the same relationship with me that I have with my parents.They are fantastic,non judgemental,but will give advice if asked for it,always have time for dd & never attempt emotional blackmail like my grandmother did.

[Titania]

i would kill myself if i ended up being like her.....my mother was and still is an evil twisted child beating woman. I do not trust her whatsoever. She used to ground me for months on end and hit me and pack my bags and throw me out of the house all the time (first time i was 8) I do not speak to her anymore and i am damned if me and my kids are going to have the same relationships as I had with my mother.

[fostermum]

i would call it sweet revenge lol i love them to death there mad as march hares

[dejags]

absolutely and utterly devastated. it's this thought that spurs me to be the exact opposite of my mother and father in every way.

[Prufrock]

I'd hate it. I often tell my dh that if I turn into my mother he is to divorce me and get custody of the kids.

[suedonim]

No thanks. I hope my children are never scared of me like I was, and am, of my mum.

As a secondary question to those of us who hope not to parent like our mothers. Do your mothers still think of themselves as good mothers, that they did a grand job?

[Listmaker]

I'm one of the lucky ones like Lockets and LGJ thankfully. If my dds and I have the same relationship as I do with my Mum then I'll be absolutely thrilled!

The older I get the more grateful I feel for having a Mum like her and my Dad's not bad either!

I think it's been easy for me to be a (hopefully) good mother because of them and I really admire those of you who are trying to do things differently because I know it's easiest to parent as you were parented.

[piffle]

I too am fighting my genetic programming and trying not to parent like my mother, although I do get on with her it's not as I would like to be with my dd.
She is critical, oversensitive, rude and judgemental...

[lunavix]

I don't know what I'd do if it turned out like me and my mum, I'd be devestated.

I do notice her traits in me, the most noticable being I don't really know how to 'play' with ds. She never played with me as a child, never had any interest, and I never had any child friends until school (and even then she didn't really approve) so I've never really known how to be a child. As such, relating to ds can be a struggle, I run out of ideas really quickly and end up feeling useless. But I'm trying to fight this, want to do a playworkers course just to get ideas and maybe learn some more.

I completely resent her for making my childhood a misery, and for now spoiling the time I have with ds - but I'm trying to change it all.

[bee3]

My mum died when I was 12, so I think I probably look at the whole thing through rose-tinted specs - how kind, loving, fun, creative, warm she was etc etc. But it does leave me with an overall impression of how I'd like to be. Of course, things may well have changed as I grew into my teens, so I'll never know. My dad is great, but not good at showing emotions, and was very keen on us all to be independent as soon as possible. Our relationship now is fine, but detached and distant. I hope ds will be closer to us, socially and emotionally.

[binkie]

I wonder if it could happen - the chemistry b/w me and my mum on the one hand, and b/w me & dd on the other, is so totally different. Dd is a warmer hearted person than me so what I found a bit smothering she would probably revel in. Because I remember hating being helped, with dd I take the encouraging but not interfering line ("you can do it darling, of course you can") so dd will no doubt grow up asserting that she will never be an unsupportive iceberg like her own mother ...

Luckily my mum is still around, & of course she and dd adore each other.

[motherinferior]

This worries me a lot, given that I spent a couple of decades hardly talking to my parents. OTOH I am not nearly as beautiful as my slender Indian mother so am unlikely to give my children the same sense of being fat/white/ugly that she (not particularly consciously) gave us.

[suzywong]

well.... I have had a volatile relationship with my mother, bickering, taking things the wrong way, being hypersensitive to her (their, her and my dad's) idosyncracies and ways of being sarcastic with each other.

I didn't realise that other families don't wind each other up or row or all the rest of it, then forget about it 20 minutes later the way mine did and it has been a big issue for me, I had replicated their behaviour for years to the disappointment of my Dh and was very ver worried that this pattern of behaviour would be passed on and the cycle would never be broken

However, my parents are visiting me here in Australia at the moment and I was dreading it, terryfied that the old patterns and anxieties would re-surface. I even asked my mum not to come. But, it is going great, I have finally learnt to let go of baggage, to accept that she and I are not the same person, that I don't automatcally have to be like her, to replay the petulant squabbles of my teenage years and I can focus on all the good things about my mum - supportive, kind, appreciative, affectionate and loving - and we have been having a great time. I have been giving two old dears a great holiday so far, been very kind and patient and nice and genuine. I didn't think it was possible but as I say I have let go, I used a chant to achieve this as well as deep breathing and visualisation when and it's amazing. DH doesn't really believe that things have changed but I'm determined to show him and them and myself that things have. It's a real epiphany for me. I think distance and maturity and having faith that it could be done have played a big part.

So it can be done, and when it works out it's a great feeling