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How would you feel if you ended up having the same relationship with your child as you currently have with your mother?

(51 Posts)
tortoiseshell Sun 10-Apr-05 18:12:21

I was just thinking about this - having spent a few days at my parents - I would be SO sad if when grown up my children and I had the relationship I currently have with my parents - it's fine, not something I worry about, but very distant. We always have been, so much so that if I'm upset about something it is most important to me to hide it from my parents. I hope I will have a warmer relationship with my children when they are adults - how about anyone else?

MaryP0p1 Sun 10-Apr-05 18:14:29

I would be devistated and have spent the time I have been a mother trying NOT to be like mine.

morningpaper Sun 10-Apr-05 18:15:04

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hunkermunker Sun 10-Apr-05 18:17:33

I will be really happy if my children have the same relationship with me as I do with my parents. I am really, really lucky - they're intelligent, warm, witty and very loving. And I see that all the more with the way they are with DS - they think he's fantastic (and they're not wrong ).

desperatehousewife Sun 10-Apr-05 18:18:41

what a great question!

morningpaper Sun 10-Apr-05 18:19:37

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lockets Sun 10-Apr-05 18:21:41

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LGJ Sun 10-Apr-05 18:24:57

Lockets


Are you me ??

lockets Sun 10-Apr-05 18:26:12

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Tortington Sun 10-Apr-05 18:41:05

nope its not going to happen becuase i am not going to be a bitter twisted out trout. just an old trout. i also dont have tht false pride that prevents me from saying sorry when i know i am wrong. however i do expect to have my own life when my kids leave and hope they willnot be of the opinion that they can rely on me to drop everything for them when they are 26 becuase i just might be to pissed on a bottle of wine in another country if i am very lucky

Lonelymum Sun 10-Apr-05 18:44:05

Not good as my relationshop with my mother is not all I would wish it. Think it might go that way though. Well, it could be worse.

happymerryberries Sun 10-Apr-05 18:53:13

I'd kill myself, quite literaly. My mother has dementia and I would rather be dead than to live as she is. She has wonderful care from a superb set of nurses, but I know, as she told me 3 years ago in one of her lucid moments, that she doesn't want to live this way. And neither would I. If I end up like that I want someone to put me out of my suffering.

Mirage Sun 10-Apr-05 18:58:46

I couldn't be happier if dd & the new baby had the same relationship with me that I have with my parents.They are fantastic,non judgemental,but will give advice if asked for it,always have time for dd & never attempt emotional blackmail like my grandmother did.

Titania Sun 10-Apr-05 19:08:00

i would kill myself if i ended up being like her.....my mother was and still is an evil twisted child beating woman. I do not trust her whatsoever. She used to ground me for months on end and hit me and pack my bags and throw me out of the house all the time (first time i was 8) I do not speak to her anymore and i am damned if me and my kids are going to have the same relationships as I had with my mother.

fostermum Sun 10-Apr-05 19:08:35

i would call it sweet revenge lol i love them to death there mad as march hares

dejags Sun 10-Apr-05 19:23:09

absolutely and utterly devastated. it's this thought that spurs me to be the exact opposite of my mother and father in every way.

kama Sun 10-Apr-05 19:24:00

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Prufrock Mon 11-Apr-05 13:05:21

I'd hate it. I often tell my dh that if I turn into my mother he is to divorce me and get custody of the kids.

suedonim Mon 11-Apr-05 13:09:29

No thanks. I hope my children are never scared of me like I was, and am, of my mum.

As a secondary question to those of us who hope not to parent like our mothers. Do your mothers still think of themselves as good mothers, that they did a grand job?

Listmaker Mon 11-Apr-05 13:11:02

I'm one of the lucky ones like Lockets and LGJ thankfully. If my dds and I have the same relationship as I do with my Mum then I'll be absolutely thrilled!

The older I get the more grateful I feel for having a Mum like her and my Dad's not bad either!

I think it's been easy for me to be a (hopefully) good mother because of them and I really admire those of you who are trying to do things differently because I know it's easiest to parent as you were parented.

piffle Mon 11-Apr-05 13:12:42

I too am fighting my genetic programming and trying not to parent like my mother, although I do get on with her it's not as I would like to be with my dd.
She is critical, oversensitive, rude and judgemental...

lunavix Mon 11-Apr-05 13:17:18

I don't know what I'd do if it turned out like me and my mum, I'd be devestated.

I do notice her traits in me, the most noticable being I don't really know how to 'play' with ds. She never played with me as a child, never had any interest, and I never had any child friends until school (and even then she didn't really approve) so I've never really known how to be a child. As such, relating to ds can be a struggle, I run out of ideas really quickly and end up feeling useless. But I'm trying to fight this, want to do a playworkers course just to get ideas and maybe learn some more.

I completely resent her for making my childhood a misery, and for now spoiling the time I have with ds - but I'm trying to change it all.

bee3 Mon 11-Apr-05 13:19:46

My mum died when I was 12, so I think I probably look at the whole thing through rose-tinted specs - how kind, loving, fun, creative, warm she was etc etc. But it does leave me with an overall impression of how I'd like to be. Of course, things may well have changed as I grew into my teens, so I'll never know. My dad is great, but not good at showing emotions, and was very keen on us all to be independent as soon as possible. Our relationship now is fine, but detached and distant. I hope ds will be closer to us, socially and emotionally.

binkie Mon 11-Apr-05 13:25:14

I wonder if it could happen - the chemistry b/w me and my mum on the one hand, and b/w me & dd on the other, is so totally different. Dd is a warmer hearted person than me so what I found a bit smothering she would probably revel in. Because I remember hating being helped, with dd I take the encouraging but not interfering line ("you can do it darling, of course you can") so dd will no doubt grow up asserting that she will never be an unsupportive iceberg like her own mother ...

Luckily my mum is still around, & of course she and dd adore each other.

motherinferior Mon 11-Apr-05 13:28:30

This worries me a lot, given that I spent a couple of decades hardly talking to my parents. OTOH I am not nearly as beautiful as my slender Indian mother so am unlikely to give my children the same sense of being fat/white/ugly that she (not particularly consciously) gave us.

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