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Sex - feel really let down by DH - need some perspective please

(5 Posts)
oknow Wed 11-Feb-09 13:00:05

I'm not sure if my feelings on this are reasonable or not, but I feel so p*ssed off with DH that I need some general opinion.

As some background, last year I admitted after 20+ years that I had been sexually abused as a child. Our relationship had been suffering and things came to a head. I spent sometime in counselling and have had a real breakthrough in all sorts of ways. I have been starting to learn to feel less self conscious and more relaxed about sex. I thought that DH and I were closer than ever.

Last night DH told me that he was upset that I didn't enjoy oral sex (giving or receiving) and it's starting to bother him. He told me that sex has become 'samey' (i.e predictable) and that it's not turning him on enough.

His concern is that oral sex is one of my 'issues' and I need to learn to get over it. In fact it isn't something I have a real hang up about - I just don't like it that much. The problem is that DH feels that there is something abnormal about the fact that I don't like it, and I need to deal with it.

I'm angry because:

1)He won't accept that my dislike/lack of interest in oral sex is not something I need to 'get over'. It's my body - I am allowed not to like certain things.

2)Having spent the last 4 months trying to feel relaxed and happy about sex, he has suddenly piled a whole heap of pressure on me again.

3)Having learnt to enjoy sex again and start to feel a real connection with him, he delivered a huge slap to the face by telling me it's not enough to keep him interested.

I don't know what to say to him. More than feeling angry, I actually feel depressed that after all we've been through he can't just let this go. Surely we can't be the only people in the world who don't have oral sex?

piratecat Wed 11-Feb-09 13:04:02

sounds as tho, he was ok about it before you told him about your abuse?

maybe he thought the counselling would end with you wanting oral sex?

Songbird Wed 11-Feb-09 13:09:43

Men! I don't enjoy oral sex either - it's not just you. I don't mind giving so much, if it's clean (sorry, but have sensitive gag reflex and a smelly one, just, eurg!), but like receiving even less. It's too tickly and sensitive and gives me no pleasure, I just don't see the point. But dh LOVES doing it, and I know it bugs him that he can't do it more often.

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know you weren't alone on the oral thing.

SammyK Wed 11-Feb-09 13:10:25

I have been in a similar situation myself, was abused as a child, and have never been keen on giving BJs which DP put down to my abuse and didn't pressure me. He then asked one day what my abuse had entailed - asking directly basically if this is why I disliked them, and when I told him he said 'is that all', making my abuse minor and belittling it, and making me feel selfish for not partaking in oral sex.

He too cannot understand that I simply dislike it (the taste, sensation, etc), and had a sulk. I have done it on a handful of occasions in 8yrs and hated every second of it everytime. sad

It is upseting to know you partner is not satisfied, and can be a real knock to your self esteem. Don't know how you can feel better again but wanted to know you are not alone.

oknow Wed 11-Feb-09 13:15:14

hi ladies, thanks for replying. For some reason the thread has been posted 4 times.

I'm now replying over here

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