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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I walk away??

25 replies

TiredBunny · 10/04/2005 09:13

Have had an off off relationship with a man for 18 months now. It has been very complicated and lots has happened. He basically picks me up and puts me down when he fancies. He was married and is currently waiting for his decree absolute. He didnt leave his wife for me adn we didnt start getting togehter till after they separated. BAsically in the last 3 months i have had lots of late night visits from him for one thing only. Most of the time he is gone within an hour without so much as a hug afterwards. he has now gone quiet and although we havent fallen out he isnt coming round or getting in touch anymore. He told me yesterday that he hadnt been free for a long time and needed to be free. I told him to tell me to walk away because I am weak and I need to be told. He wont tell me to walk away and I feel like i am being left hanging for when he decides he has had enough 'free' time. He has been an absolute pig at times and although he has had a difficult time it still isnt right. I am worried that all the upset is affecting my dd. I am on ADs and i am sure that this mess is the main reason i am feeling like this. My xp had my dd overnight last night and i ended up on my own because I didnt plan anything incase he wanted to see me. WHat do I do?

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expatinscotland · 10/04/2005 09:16

Show some self-respect. But his number on call block, his email on ignore, etc.

He's a tit. You don't need mumsnet to tell you that.

Enlist your friends to get you out of the house and make plans you can't back out of - such as making yourself the driver for a night out. Then, if he calls at the last 'mo, you won't be available.

TiredBunny · 10/04/2005 09:18

I am so fedup though that half my dds life has been spent under stress nad strainand after the first 12 months with her dad she has had a happy mum for what 6 months of her life!

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beansprout · 10/04/2005 09:19

Men will always want sex. Unfortunately it doesn't mean they love you. I always try and think "where do I want to be in 3 months time?" If you let him come round and use you (sorry but that it what it looks like) he will keep doing it. He at least being honest and is telling you that he doesn't want a relationship at the moment. You'll never meet anyone else while you are thinking that he is the best you deserve and that you should put up with a situation that is making you unhappy.

You know what you want to do, go for it and make yourself happy. Find someone who deserves you as you deserve a lot more than this.

TiredBunny · 10/04/2005 09:20

I have even turned down offers of what may have been good relationahips because of him. he lives very close to me you see and it is hard toturn off from him.

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beansprout · 10/04/2005 09:44

It is only hard if you believe that you have to see him, or you want to see him. It will be hard at first, it's often a bit scary to let someone go but he really does not sound like he is worth holding on to. As as long as you do you are telling yourself that this is all you are worth. That's not a formula for happiness. You know that you are suffering and your dd is not getting anything from this, so what have you got to lose?

TiredBunny · 10/04/2005 09:53

some days i am really strong and i just ignore him. other days when i am low i panic and end up pestering him.... hoping to get something nice in return.

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vict17 · 10/04/2005 09:57

I really think you should cut all contact with him. I realise it will be hard butwhat kind of a life could you have with a man who treats you this way? One of my closest friends has been seeing a married man for 3 years now - she trys to end it all the time but can't because she loves him so much. It's so sad watching her waste her life on him, she can't find anyone nice to marry, settle down with because her head is full of this man. She's 30 this year and I hope you comes to her senses soon. I know your not seeing a married man but the wasting your life sentiment is the same

beansprout · 10/04/2005 10:01

And do you get something nice in return?

TiredBunny · 10/04/2005 10:07

I dont often get anythign nice.... like a hug or him suggesting we do something though it has happened occasionaally but always when it is conveniant to him and he has nothing better to do. he did send me flowers on mothers day from dd. but then ignored me all week before hand and after so i didnt really get any pleasure out of his gesture. He is still officially married and the divorce keeps getting stalled so I wonder if this is to do with it...... he says not!

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beansprout · 10/04/2005 10:07

Er... so tell me again why you are with him?

TiredBunny · 10/04/2005 10:34

i have no idea really.... which makes me feel even worse for feeling like this. i think because i am a bit of an emotional wreck i cling onto anything so i am not on my own.

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prettyfly1 · 11/04/2005 16:29

hi tired bunny. Best respect but with a man who is never there emotionally physically etc, you are ALREADY on youre own. You can just tell yourself you arent single totally and maybe one day he will change. Unavailable men either in reality or in their heads are always good fantasy fodder cause the reality is never there. wont make you happy, wont make you fell better, its time to walk away and concentrate on dd and you. Maybe you will meet someone straight away maybe you wont but dont do this to yourself anymore because you are hurting yourself and there is a whole lot more out there for you if you want it. good luck, thinking of you

Bugsy2 · 11/04/2005 16:43

TiredBunny the only thing you are currently getting from this man is occasional sex. If you are happy to see him for sex, that is fine. However, it seems from what you have said that he is not in a position to offer you any kind of relationship - so really you have nothing to lose by not seeing him any more (apart from no strings sex).

motherinferior · 11/04/2005 16:45

I used to be involved with a man a LOT like that. I didn't tell him to piss off...but I really, REALLY should have.

prettyfly1 · 11/04/2005 22:14

so was i. i am now pregnant with his child five years after i did try to walk away. when the truth comes out many many innocent lives will be trashed, not least my own sons. Believe me men like him are never worth the pain. Hold your head up high and leave him for your own sake. It will hurt as you have already formed an attachement but believe me notas much as if you carry on.

snafu · 11/04/2005 22:29

Me too. He wasn't married but was living with his girlfriend for much of our very on-off (far more off than on) 5-year relationship. He turned up as and when he felt like it and I was always there for him whenever he wanted me, and got nothing in return except - like you - a little gesture now and again to keep me sweet. I would try to tell him to piss off, but he knew damn well I didn't really mean it and would take him back again, which I did, over and over.

I convinced myself I couldn't live without him and that being with him now and then was better than not at all. I was wrong on both counts. Getting up the courage and self-respect to really end it was so difficult, but ultimately the pain and humiliation far outweighed the good stuff. At the time I thought I would never ever get over him - but today, reading your post, is the first time I've thought about him in years!

This man has nothing to offer you. Walk away, because the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.

TiredBunny · 13/04/2005 12:18

I am trying really hard to and after 3 days of no texting i have sent him a 'friendly' tex to see if he responds. He won't tell me to walk away or say that it is over..... it would be easier if he would. And i know the reason why is that he is leaving the gate open for when he can be bothered with me. Bad day today.

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beansprout · 13/04/2005 12:23

TB - I think one of the reasons you feel so down is that you can see exactly how he is treating you. You've done really well to not text him for 3 days but now I suspect you are waiting to hear from him and you are back at square one? Yes, he might reply, hey, he might even come over later and shag you, but he doesn't want what you want and it is clearly making you very unhappy.

Can you think where you want to be in say, a month's time? Free of this man or still waiting on him and getting the scraps he is offering you? It will be hard for a little while but then you will get some self esteem back and move onto someone who actually deserves you. Imagine!!

Bugsy2 · 13/04/2005 12:36

TiredBunny, keep being strong. You deserve better than to wait for crumbs from this chap. Try to mentally bin him. I know it is hard but "waiting' for him has to be worse.
Big huge cyber hugs.

TiredBunny · 13/04/2005 15:30

Thanks. But i have just commited a huge sin and rung him.... he was ok with me but very cool like i had inconvenianced him or something. I really need some love in my life for ME. I don't get any support from my own parents and although i have great friends I am sooooo fed up of my own company when everyone has gone and I am on my own again.

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Bugsy2 · 13/04/2005 15:48

TiredBunny, you are a sucker for punishment. This man is not giving you love. Everytime you phone him or text him you don't get the reaction you are looking for - so be really strong and delete his number.
This is going to sound hugely cheesy but having been through the worst 2yrs of my life, I'll say it anyway. The best person to love you - is you. You have to find a way to be happy with just yourself. I can honestly say I have learnt this the hard way - but it is true.
Leave this guy alone & concentrate on you. Do stuff for yourself, find things to enjoy etc etc.

TiredBunny · 13/04/2005 21:01

I am trying.... he is not doing me any good i know but lives so close to me its hard to ignore him.... next door but one.

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prettyfly1 · 14/04/2005 14:03

my married ex and the father of my baby son is on the same pool team, we share the same best friends and have done for about ten years - our social circles are totally intertwined - the only way i could get away would be too move or not see my friends. Done both of those and it made me really unhappy. Believe me when you want it to stop and you dont want to do it to yourself any more - you will stop it and they could be next door on or a continent forty million miles away.

TiredBunny · 18/04/2005 15:59

I get what your saying and am trying to gather my wits so that when i do walk away i can do it without turning back. he has been relatively 'nice' to me this weekend. always goes like this....nice to me for a few days then off hand adn ignores me for a few.

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beansprout · 18/04/2005 16:06

My God TB, he only lives next door but one and he STILL can't be bothered with you? Where is your self respect?!!

This is the last time I am going to post on this thread. You know what you need to do, it's your choice if you want to carry on being hurt by this man, but please dont' be surprised if you feel crap. Good luck.

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