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So, when it gets to the end how do you finnish it when you have no guts and just wanna cry ???

(64 Posts)
nutcracker Sat 09-Apr-05 22:33:56

If i say 'i don't love you, i want us to split', he won't believe me.

It will turn into a row and i don't want a row, haven't the energy, thinking about it is hard enough.

sallystrawberry Sat 09-Apr-05 22:41:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blossomhill Sat 09-Apr-05 22:41:55

Oh honey

I am back on msn if you want to talk {{{}}}

serenity Sat 09-Apr-05 22:43:41

Oh Nutty, I'm so sorry. I really don't know what you can do. Is there someone who can have the kids so you can have a heart-to-heart with him? Maybe somewhere outside and neutral to 'contain' it iyswim?

charleepeters Sat 09-Apr-05 22:45:27

oh babe can you just sit down with him and let it all flood out then surley he will believe you just tell him you wont row anyomre your unappy and you cant continue let rip and let it all out i know someone in the same position someone very close and if your the same your happyness is more important than staying together in an unhappy relationship, i hope it works out for you x

nutcracker Sat 09-Apr-05 22:48:55

Well you'd think that talking someone out in the open would stop him blowing up wouldn't you, but unfortunatly it wouldn't he would still rant and rave.

Have told him before and he never believes me and i'm not strong enough to keep it up long enough for him too.

Fell sick at the thought of it all.

kissalot Sat 09-Apr-05 22:59:42

I think men have some genetic defect in that they can't see what is in front of their eyes. I have been telling him I am sooo close to wanting to seperate for 2 months yet he always thinks we'll get thru it. I on the other hand see it looming eerily on the horizon. Sorry nutcracker, no advice for you but i really do empathise xxxxxxxxxxx

expatkat Sun 10-Apr-05 06:26:13

Marital counseling can help. If he hears you say to a stranger, "I don't want to be with him anymore," he can no longer ignore/disbelieve the sentiment.

I've actually moved out for a little while with the kids--it was agreed, i.e. I didn't just up and abandon the marital home. This separation, even though it's not a formal separation, is also helping to give dh an idea of my seriousness. Some men--some women, too, I gather--have a hard time making big mental adjustments. They can adjust to an idea a little at a time, which is what my dh is doing. It's a slow process. Somehow it's OK for a man to say, with no warning at all, "I'm leaving" (or so it seems to happen frequently enough to mumsnetters) but IMHO it's harder for a woman to be "heard" somehow when she's unhappy. Don't know why this is.

suzywong Sun 10-Apr-05 07:51:03

nutty, you've been wanting to leave for a long time haven't you? Hope you get some courage from MNers. Good luck

glitterfairy Sun 10-Apr-05 08:51:49

Nutty I so sympathise. I dont want to go too much into my own relationship as I am not ready really to talk about it here and when I do will start my own thread. It is so hard. I call my dh limpet man at the moment and no matter how badly I behave or what I say he thinks we can be togther. Even to the extent of splitting the house and living togther when we divorce which he says wont happen anyway.

He also veers between anger and trying to be nice and frankly I feel like an abused woman. One minute I am built up and it is great the next thrown to the wolves and screamed at.

Sometimes it gets to the stage where we have to believe in ourselves and pick ourselves up and get the hell out. That is so hard with kids as well. We are going to relate tomorrow in order to get some proper help and so that I can say my piece with someone else there to ensure the message is heard.

I hope it works out for you Nutty.

rickman Sun 10-Apr-05 09:53:30

Message withdrawn

nutcracker Sun 10-Apr-05 11:19:39

Thanks everyone.

Woke up this morning again peed off with myself for waking up next to him yet again.

Rickman - Yes it's a h/a house, but both names are on the tenancy. When we were in the flat it was just my name but when we moved they asked him in front of me if he wanted his name on and he said yes.
He does know though that he would have to go as i have told him before that I fought for the house so as far as i am concerned it is mine and the kids.

I kep waiting for us to have a blazing row so i can just tell him to go. Think he is sensing something is up though cos he is being nice.

It's just got to the point where i don't care. Have put it off so many times before because there was loads that needed doing in the house. Well there still is, kids have no bedroom carpets, garden is a tip etc, but i've finally realised that even if the kids never have carpets and the house is never finnished I would still be better off alone.

Gotta go now cos me mom is here, will post more later xxxxx

glitterfairy Sun 10-Apr-05 12:07:11

The thing to keep in mind imo is thinking it is a year ahead, he is gone, what am I doing? how do I feel? what is my life like? If it feels good do it!

rickman Sun 10-Apr-05 12:18:56

Message withdrawn

Aimsmum Sun 10-Apr-05 12:22:27

Message withdrawn

ponygirl Sun 10-Apr-05 12:36:12

Oh Nutcracker! Rickman's right, you've just got to do it. I can understand why you've backed down in the past, but now really is the time to do it. Could you write him a letter, then if the face-to-face gets too much you can say, "I've written you this, to tell you how I feel, because you won't let me tell you. This is what I want." I understand you don't want to hurt him, but that's no reason for you to be miserable for the rest of your life! You can make yourself happy!

nutcracker Sun 10-Apr-05 14:04:52

Glitterfairy, sorry you are in this position too, it is not a nice place to be.

My mom has been around all day so haven't said anything to dp yet, plus don't really want to do it in front of the kids anyway.

I know i have to do this, and i do want to sooooooo much, lay in bed again last night with it all on the tip of my tounge. Makes me feel so weak that i can't just tell him.

I am worried about how badly off i will be. I have a £7000 loan in my name , repayments of £150 a month and i know i will sturggle to pay this and everything else.
Plus i'm not sure i'd get all of my rent paid because my house is 4 bed and i don't need 4 beds.

That said though i still want him gone. At the very worst, i would have to exchange to a smaller property which after all my fighting would be such a kick in the teeth but needs must i spose.

I so want to be happy again, to wake up in the morning without that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.

My mom is having the girls overnight next saturday so if i haven't managed to spit it out by then, I will definatly tell him then. I know i'll feel so much better once i've told him.

Ponygirl, the letter is a good idea, i may do that.

Thanks sooo much for the replies, i know it must get very tedious reading about it.

nutcracker Sun 10-Apr-05 14:11:10

Argh he is peeling spuds and making cups of tea, and all i wanna do is scream 'STOP, it's not gona work'

He knows i know he does, he just wants to watch me suffer.

glitterfairy Sun 10-Apr-05 14:28:13

Nutcracker it will be ok and it will happen because it is what you want and you seem to want it so much. A year from now you will be like Aimsmum. The problem is when they are really nice it is really really hard and I am sure they know that.

Beetroot Sun 10-Apr-05 14:30:10

Message withdrawn

nutcracker Sun 10-Apr-05 14:34:34

Thanks Gf, i hope so i really do.

Oh he isn't nice by the way usually. He is only doing it cos he knows, or thinks he knows.

glitterfairy Sun 10-Apr-05 14:46:03


SenoraPostrophe Sun 10-Apr-05 15:19:10

Good luck, Nutty.

You'll find a way with the money etc - you may be able to get your loan payments reduced if you tell them your circumstances and you could get a lodger? (do you live in a university town? female phd student or something would be good).

nutcracker Sun 10-Apr-05 16:02:01

Thanks SP, will have to check my tenancy agreement as i don't think we are allowed to have lodgers.

ebbie22 Sun 10-Apr-05 16:08:20

Oh nutcracker,my heart goes out to you,and although I dont really know you,I know that in 6 months time I will be in the same boat unless things for me improve{at the mo we are getting on much better}...
I have not got any advice or any words to make you feel any better but feel free to cat me if you want someone to talk too...Tace care of yourself and follow your heart xxxx

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