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so fed up

(19 Posts)
micko Fri 06-Feb-09 00:06:50

My dh insists it his right to go to the pub after work rather than come home at teatime. I moan because we have 2.5 year old, and i think he should come and see him before bedtime etc. Says he needs a break after work but i look after ds all day. I find teatime the hardest when trying to cook etc with tired toddler. It isnt every night but most and would be every if he could get away with it. The last few times i have foned him to have a go when he is in the pub, he has stayed out till midnight at least, to spite me i guess. He is 40 so not really a kid anymore. He insists he will never change as he has always done it. If i went out and just didnt come back i can,t imagine what would happen. I think he loves alcohol more than son. I am soooo fed up. Please tell me i am not being unreasonable, he says i am.

thumbwitch Fri 06-Feb-09 00:10:18

no YANBU, he is an immature selfish twat.

Clement Fri 06-Feb-09 00:11:01

i would find this unreasonable, yes. My dh has started going more often, once a week rather than once or twice a month, and i'm finding this irritating but think it's probably a) about normal and b) a pretty stressful time at work for him. if my dcs were as young as yours i would demand more support! you need a break too. can you book a regular weekly night off and tell him he needs to be home by 7? He'll begin to appreciate what you do, and learn to accept that it's a sharing thing, parenting. good luck. i'm not surprised you are fed up.

thumbwitch Fri 06-Feb-09 00:11:04

I wouldn't bother making his dinner for him if that is his attitude, tbh. Just do yours and your DS's.

HolyGuacamole Fri 06-Feb-09 00:18:01

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable!! Never in a month of Sundays!! Nothing wrong with going to the pub at all but too many men use it as a refuge to get away from the responsibilities of home life and it's so not on.

So he will never change? So my guess is you either accept it as part of him or make changes. I have a friend who used to be in exactly the same situation. She threw his stuff out into the street in binbags for him to find when he returned home from the pub and locked the door with the key in it so he couldn't get in. That obviously caused some 'end of the line' arguments and now he goes once a week for a couple of hours. She told him she really did not think that she loved him anymore and that his drunkenness made her feel disgusted with him sexually and those facts devastated him. He is a changed man nowadays, spends most of his time taking the kid to their clubs, pulls his weight in the house etc.

People can change but I think they sometimes need a mighty kick up the ass. And you need to make him realise you are 100% completely serious. Yes, he can wallow away his time in the pub all he likes - but - he better find himself a flat and a new doormat partner who will put up with it.

KingCanuteIAm Fri 06-Feb-09 00:19:02

He is BU, he cannot say that he will not change - you have had to! You both had a child and that changes things! I really hate this idea that a mother has to roll with the punches but a father can continue as if nothing happened!

He really needs to examine what his expectations are. You need to know exactly what he expects of you and then you need to decide if that is something you are prepared to live with. If not then you should go back to him with what you expect of him.

TBH, I doubt you are going to get much joy from someone who feels that this behaviour is in any way ok but I don't know him of course so I could be wrong!

thumbwitch Fri 06-Feb-09 00:24:20

HG, your friend is fab! good on her - micko, take notes!

HolyGuacamole Fri 06-Feb-09 00:36:54

thumbwitch - yeah, she really is magic, they are a great wee family now, I have so much respect for her. It took her about 8 years to pluck up the courage to do what she done but it was so worth it and she was completely serious about kicking him out of her life forever. I actually respect him after spending years thinking he was a complete loser wasting my friends life. Also, I think there is a part of him that also really respects her for doing it.

mamas12 Fri 06-Feb-09 10:32:07

God it almost makes you want to take his dinner and his dc down the pub and put them in front of him doesn't (or was that a comedy pfogramme I once saw)
Anyway, a serious sit down talk has to be done when dc in bed after you'vee eaten and you are calm you need to bring it up and tell it straight. You both have to change with the responsiblity of parenthood. Then book one night each out on your own then one night out together.

hunnybun1981 Fri 06-Feb-09 10:34:21

the next time he comes home at tea time take yourself off out wherever doesnt matter and let him do the night time routine.

Dropdeadfred Fri 06-Feb-09 10:39:18

serioulsy I would leave someone likes this, he is showing where his priorities lie and telling you to put up with it!

Cartoose Fri 06-Feb-09 10:43:45

"Says he needs a break after work"

When do you get a break after your work? YANBU

lessonlearned Fri 06-Feb-09 11:00:48

I have a stressful job in a female dominated industry and I don't know anyone who goes to the pub before home to destress.
Why would you even want to spend more time at the end of a busy day with the colleagues you see day in and out.
Sorry I just don't get it.....hmm

Dropdeadfred Fri 06-Feb-09 11:13:35

I would seriously give him an ultimatum on this one....and mean it!

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine Fri 06-Feb-09 11:18:45

Yes, you need to address his behaviour firmly now. He either starts sharing the work, or he can leave. (The best way is to leave him with the kids for a whole day/evening - if you honestly think that it would not be safe to do so, ie that he would leave them in the house alone and go to the pub anyway, then you have your answer: end the relationship because he will never improve).

CountessDracula Fri 06-Feb-09 11:20:41

Goodness me
how selfish
YANBU at all
He is acting like a 20yo

Overmydeadbody Fri 06-Feb-09 11:23:20

YANBU

But, having said that, phoning him up and having a go at him isn't going to solve the problem or change the situation you find yourself in.

You need to talk to him, without getting emotional or angry, and simply say that you are not going to continue on in this situation. Either he does his fare share (maybe with set days when he is 'on-duty' at tea time and has to be home as you won't be doing it) or you leave him.

LittleOneMum Fri 06-Feb-09 11:27:57

I should say that I'm a woman, but I work F/T and I am always desperate to get home to see my DS, I never ever go to the pub after work top 'destress', I'll generally have a glass of wine once he's in bed though wink
My DH who also works F/T mostly rushes home to see DS before he goes to bed too and when he doesn't I get mightily cross. I'm not saying this in order to crow or gloat, but in order that you know what is NORMAL and that your DH is being unreasonable. At the end of the day though it is his relationship with his child which is suffering. I'd book one night a week when you go out and he has to stay home, i'd have to say...

chandellina Fri 06-Feb-09 12:46:23

at the very least, don't leave him any supper! (i see thumbwitch said the same)

But, to be contrary, I don't think he is totally unreasonable to want to go to the pub from time to time after work. (not every night!)

Could you agree that he could go once a week or something?

I know it is unfair that life goes on for the blokes and women pick up all the slack. He's got to be willing to give you YOUR time off too, at the weekend or an evening where he does bedtime, etc.

But I also don't think you can order DPs to be robots who work and come straight home. I know when I go back to work, I will make sure there are times I can have a pub night too.

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