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Right, listen up everybody.(540 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
I shall say this only once.
Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.
Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.
There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.
If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.
You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.
Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.
Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.
Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.
Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.
Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.
Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.
Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.
Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.
Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.
I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.
Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.
If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.
It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.
Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.
There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.
I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.
Much love to everybody.
All of this is right except not every relationship is as clear cut.
My fiancé went to a ball last night with some couples he knows - I think a lot of colleagues from his younger work / partying days were also there.
I couldn't go as I had my 2 girls at my house.
He called me around 6.30pm to say he'd driven to the hotel and he'd be driving home, to a empty house.
A little later he said he had drunk wine so will order a taxi for 11pm.
At 12.10am he texted to say 'crap disco'.
Next at 1am a text saying 'dancing, feet hurting - night sweets xxx'
Finally with no further word at 2.30am I sent 'hope you got home safely'
No more messages or contact until 8.30am - which was a text 'yep,
- I love you xxx'.
Spoke in the afternoon and no mention of last night, so I didn't ask...
He rarely goes out without me and is very sociable. He knows that my ex husband had several affairs and that I have emotional scars from the marriage. I just have a bad feeling about this one girls...
I just read the opening message.
It was exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks Mumsnet.
I managed to get my abusive ex to leave; it's been a tough year as he got worse then better then worse etc. Roller coaster. I am so much better without him, but each time he starts a new relationship or involves me in something I get so upset and jealous and all manner of ridiculous emotions. I don't know why. I guess I just desperately hoped he would change and each new girl he picks up makes me realise it will never happen.
I am going to read that post every morning to give me strength and remember how much better the present is than the past....
I have never done anything like this before, but here goes. My husband told me last week that after 33 years of marriage he no longer loves me and wants the marriage to end. I can't describe how I felt, I couldn't eat sleep or function properly. He didn't think it through properly and he is still living at home until he can find somewhere to stay, which I find cruel. I feel so sad and lonely and can't find any reason to carry on. We had already planned our holidays this year, these had to be cancelled and refunded. I cry all the time and envisage a lonely existence into my old age. I don't have any close friends or family to turn too. I do have a son who doesn't live at home who has given my support but I don't what to burden him as he has his own life. Has anyone been through this after a long marriage and can offer some advice . thank You for reading this.
I know RTFT and I will, in full, later. I just wanted to add that some women are abusive and controlling too. One of my DC is in a controlling and possibly EA with a woman. We are ready to pick up the pieces which is all we can do at this stage as a wall comes up if we raise it.
Hear, hear! This issue has come up for me again, it is such a good grounding thing to read posts like this and get back on the right track.
Super, you'd be better starting a new thread in relationships than adding to this long standing one.
I'm new on here but I feel it is my last resort, I can't afford a counsellor and I need someone elses thoughts. I'm very unhappy at the moment. I'm a man, I've got children and a wife. I've given up work and my friends as my wife goes through periods of being very ill. I was ok with this for the first years of our marriage but I have had to take up part time work partly due to finances and partly because I have to do something to keep me sane, I hate sitting around doing nothing. But when I go out to work my wife calls me selfish or says I don't care, calls me names and is generally verbally abusive, if I say anything back, I'm being "a bully and being selfish", I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do.
I have just realised I have been mentally abused by a woman, thank god I got out 3 weeks ago, without actually realising this fact until tonight, so its not just one way girls!
I would like to see classes in schools that teach teens about healthy, loving, equal relationships.
We have this in our school. Here are some of the resources we use in case some of you are interested:
Activities to go with the Disrespect Nobody site
I just wanted to say I was in an abusive relationship for 14 years before I understood that I had to leave. It completely destroyed me and I had to move into a refuge with my lo. Two years on, I've totally got it together. I'm at uni, I've got a home and a job. It was hard and still is, but it can totally be done.
Strong wise words. Takes a strong women to walk away. Many women have done it successfully. So to women in this situation find out and plan how you can make a better life for you and for your children. Dont settle for less and remember who you are and where you came from.
I grew up in an abusive house. My Father was an alcoholic and mum was subservient to him. Stayed with him for the sake of the children ! Well that worked out well. I'm 43 and still scarred from my upbringing. Don't get me wrong , I'm doing well, am happily married and have 3 wonderful kids.
I made a pact that I would chose a man who was the direct opposite of my father and that has worked very well. Thankfully my kids will never live in the fear we lived in.
It was horrendous.... he verbally, physically and sexually abused my mother.....yes we heard it all.... walls are thin !
I hate him so much now and have no contact with him. He doesn't deserve contact with me or my kids. He is selfish and very lonely now but that's the life he chose.
I'm still very angry and it pains me to think that today women are still subject to this abuse. It's not acceptable at any level and it's never your fault. It's never in the kids best interest to stay. ... believe me.... it's left more scars than I care to admit !
Please , read the OP and believe every word she has said. You are worth more and u can get out !
Thank you so much for this
Im not in that place now. But I have been and am just starting to think about maybe a relationship wouldn't be so bad. I have hardly any experience of healthy relationships.
I probably need to work on myself more if I'm afraid of having one
Massive wake up from the OP
You the Boss. Totally right. Everything you said. Thanks because i for one need to hear all that.
I'd print it off but it might get found, so am going to try to memorize it instead.
Thanks, really. I feel a bit like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive sometimes, so it really helps to hear some pure sense and rightness from someone out there. Thanks.
Just FYI there is a service which you can register for that will allow you to make a 999 call by text.
It is designed for deaf or hard of hearing people but I have read the terms and conditions which say 'primarily for the deaf and hard of hearing' so it doesn't preclude victims of domestic violence using it.
You will be deregistered if you make inappropriate calls (texts) three times.
You have to register for it but once registered you can just text to 999 - I think could be vital for those who are in immediate fear of escalating violence from a partner as there is no way of your partner hearing the call.
This is the website - www.emergencysms.org.uk/registering_your_mobile_phone.php
This is such a great post. Sadly when I first read it much of the content was a revelation to me.
Happily I am currently in a state of mind, and in a relationship where it is all clearly obvious.
Thank you for posting this.
Today I have woke up and smelt the coffee. It's only taken 36 years of trying to please and apologise for argument's he caused just to avoid days of silence. Never ever received an apology. I don't recognise myself. Have rented out my home to live in our Spanish holiday home thinking that would change his attitude but tonight I face a night alone. 2017 I am living for myself and intend to go back home. Reading all these posts make me realise how stupid I have been.
I've never seen this post before even though it's very old. Glad it was made a sticky. Hope it still is.
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