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Right, listen up everybody.(564 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
I shall say this only once.
Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.
Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.
There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.
If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.
You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.
Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.
Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.
Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.
Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.
Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.
Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.
Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.
Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.
Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.
I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.
Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.
If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.
It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.
Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.
There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.
I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.
Much love to everybody.
Thank you for this amazing post. I'm trying to stay strong while I begin the process of taking back control. I shall re-read this regularly to remind myself!
Well, I started posting on this subject in 2012 and it's 2017 now. And I can't agree more with the Opie. I am now at the beginning of divorce Proceedings and beginning to live my life free of belittling and disapproval. And although it's hard, it is bloody brilliant. This post has helped me a lot by giving me a compass and bearings .
I put up with things I shouldn't have for too long but it is possible to come out the other side & still be with the same person. I was very probably co - dependant & I know my self esteem isn't particularly high. I also knew I couldn't change DH. However as I have posted on other threads, he is making massive changes rather than just empty promises to change, also getting counselling. Obviously we have our moments like any other couple & there are disagreements/arguments but I can't tell you the difference. The relationship was toxic & to be honest we couldn't have carried on as we were, especially because of the effect on DD, but now it's healthy & we are all working hard to keep on improving things.
I think the original post is quite anti men..there are alot of women who are also in the wrong..can't hold a conversation without shouting..use their men just for money, refuse sex to the point where it's approx 5 times a year..doesn't speak to him, instead leaves messages around the house and abusive texts, and yes I'm staying because of the kids, and yes I'm talking about me ffs...wasted life, kids are great
Love this still. It's keeping me firm in my decision to end relationship
Turnturtle he sounds awful and you sound like you need your own thread to talk about this. Sorry if you already have one and I missed it.
So my OH is at it again. Because I left the dinner table without doing the washing up yesterday (I had cooked the entire meal as always) when he had a friend there who I thought could help him, I am apparently an un-supportive wife. Not only that, but I should hear what other people say about me. In fact I really should ask them what they think of me, because I would be shocked.They all agree with him apparently, including my daughter and son-in-law and all his friends at the rotary club.
He has used this tactic in the past and it has reduced me to tears, but today I just switched off and now feel I have had enough and just want to get away from the emotional battering he inflicts on me whenever he feels stressed. I too work outside the home. I too get tired, but I am not apparently the main breadwinner, so he should not be expected to do any more around the house than he chooses (which is very little). Rant over. Just needed to see if the whole world (as well as my friends)feel I am being unsupportive .
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Charlie do you have friends or relatives in the UK? Even ones you lost contact with years ago?
Abusers isolate their victims. It's how they make sure they can get away with it. Can you reach out to someone you used to be close to in real life?
Is there any kind of woman's aid in Spain?
What about domestic violence legislation where you are? Surely he must be breaking the law?
You are worth so much more than this and things can get better for you.
Hi Charlie I just read your post . There always is a way out . Is it possible you get a job and slowely save to move out ? Or just run away come to uk declare yourself homeless and try to rebuild your life
Thank you so much for that. Personally, I am in hell. I live in Spain and have been in a physically and mentally abusive Spanish man for almost 10 years and it is killing me. He is an arrogant, disrespectful, rude, violent, screaming in my face every day, coke addict, pig, and I am now in tears daily and feel like giving up. I have no job, no friends, no escape. I am so lost. I can't see a way out. I spend all my time alone in the bedroom. I am too scared to be around him. I do all the housework every day. The shopping. The cleaning. But everything I do is wrong. I am 50. I am not as attractive as I used to be. He treats me alternatively like a secretary/servant, his dog, his cleaner, his doormat. I am out of faith and hope. Wish I could get out but there just isn't any way. At all. Wish I'd never met him.
Lovely, uplifting post only have one thing to say though. The bit where everyone will believe you? That wasn't my experience. I was 'victim blamed' when my ex attacked me. When I had him prosecuted for ABH and domestic violence I had been well and truly sucked into his world, had lost touch with most of my own friends and was suffering financial poverty because he made me pay half our rent even though that was my whole pay each month. He lied about what happened, even lied in court, but the GP's evidence convicted him (too many bruises on my scalp to count). Almost everyone in my then world turned on me, saying he was 'such a nice guy' I must have done something to make him do it (men and women alike). He's not a nice guy he's just good at pretending to be one. At the time I decided to detox the situation from my life in the most comprehensive way: dumped him, moved house, changed job, changed friends, deleted Facebook. That all helped me heal massively. Years after his conviction i met someone from his friendship group who said he'd just started admitting what he did. It amazes me how vicious people were towards me. I had a black eye, bruised temple and countless bruises on my scalp from being hit over and over- but somehow it was my fault. That hurt more than the beating.
Why is this post so targeted at Men abusing Women. Women are guilty too.
I so much needed to hear this. I have been on a mental and physical abuse relationship for 3 years and I thought I could live with it until I realised his parents were racists and hated me more than anything else. I feel so lost right now. My world has collapsed.
Hi, I'm Mouse
I've read this thread so many times since it was first posted, and it never gets 'old' as such.
As a SURVIVOR of a very violent, abusive in all forms, relationship, I can honestly say that what Reality says is 100% true for me.
I got out. I was 'lucky' or so some of my friends who have never witnessed domestic abuse, violence, manipulation etc have said.... I don't blame them for seeing what happened to me like that, why should I?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that YOU OWN YOUR BODY, YOUR MIND AND YOUR SOUL.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you STILL have so much of yourself left to give......
You may feel broken, damaged, worthless etc now, but there is support for you once you break free. I hope with all of my heart that you do get out and soon.
I left with the clothes on my back.... a couple of plastic bags of my daughter's things and I drove like a women possessed to a women's refuge and cried for days, wondering if I should go back, if I went back things could get better, he'd get better........
Thank God I didn't. I am lucky because I have a strong, beautiful daughter, a gorgeous little boy and an a husband who loves me so much his heart could burst. I got a happy ending and I hope any of you reading this who are trapped in a shiitty place right now will get one too.
I had to remember who I was before I found the strength to run out of that door.
I saw him, a few years later in a supermarket. At first I froze and thought I was going to vomit. Then I straightened myself up and walked right passed him. He stopped me and asked how I was, how my daughter was....
Better. And I walked right on past him to the checkouts. That was the last that I saw of him. I'll never have to go through that again, only when I have flashbacks...... and 12 years on, I'm starting a counselling programme, because now I feel ready to unravel the ball of shit in my head. I feel ready to release him.
I hope what I've written has made sense to some of you, I don't know why I posted now but maybe because I'm starting to let go, I felt compelled to remind myself of who I AM.
Take care out there.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Some people need a lot of time out. And unfortunately I do not have enough patience or time in my life for too many timeouts. I make my mistakes.
I try to be the person that I want to spend my time with. Then life is good and the rest doesnt matter.
I read this every now and then, usually when I find myself contemplating the idea of a new relationship - it's never going to be something that I allow to happen.
Thank you a million times over for this.
The initial post is spot on. I hope people take note.
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