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Right, listen up everybody.

(564 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

macdoodle Wed 04-Feb-09 11:53:19

Reality grin and <<macdoodle claps and yells enthusiastically>>
Is that your own writing or from a book/website?? Just curious - if its yours do you mind if I print it out and stick it on my fridge
It has taken me 10 years to realise this and even now I spend large parts of my day chating my mantra ("its not you, its him, its not you, its him") - and yes it is a pattern, my father was the same, and when I was telling my mum that I had been talking to the police domestic abuse team - she sounded shocked and said " what can they do its not like he's hitting you" So sad for her that that is how she feels all these years later, she finally did a runner on my dad 20 odd years ago taking my little sis but leaving me and brother with him I understand now but didnt then

Anyhow for ME, the cycle STOPS here and now, my 2 DD's especially the elder now 7 WILL NOT BE IMPRINTED with the same expectation of bad abusive nasty men and realtionships, they will learn about good healthy normal men and realtionships, they WILL NOT continue this cycle, and the only person who can stop that happening is ME

Thank you Reality

flubdub Wed 04-Feb-09 11:55:10

Good idea realityismyonlyvalentine.
Have they started doing that yet wrt money?

Neeerly3 Wed 04-Feb-09 12:01:10

fabberooney post <applause>

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 12:02:55

It's mine, MacDoodle.

You are welcome to print it out. Please do. And well done for getting out.

I didn't want applause or anything, I was stewing on this all last night after a couple of threads over the past weeks have really got to me.

I had a god-awful marriage, and was convinced that that was just how things had to be. And because he was never 'violent' (although he was quite physical and did punch me in the face once), I felt I just had to put up with it.

It is very easy to feel that the abuse you are suffering is normal. Especially if you come here for advice and see fifty threads describing the same thing. Or if the only relationships you see around you are the same.

It's not the norm, and everybody should be holding out for a relationship that is free from nastiness and abuse.

BlueSapphire77 Wed 04-Feb-09 12:08:06

Aww reality a brilliant OP

Hope i didn't push you over the edge to post it though blush

<<Feeling increasingly glad about not namechanging as had some v v good advice and support on my thread >>

YeahBut Wed 04-Feb-09 12:08:32

Hear, hear!
Wish someone had told me this before I wasted 4 years of my life on a complete git in my late teens.
And there are lots of lovely men out there. The vast majority of them, in fact!

OrmIrian Wed 04-Feb-09 12:20:51


"We (as a culture) sneer at the romantic ideal put about in films etc, and laugh, and say, 'real life isn't like that'. We mock happy couples and spread myths like the 'honeymoon period'. It perpetuates the idea that all relationships are fraught and hard work and that women have to work hard at keeping their man happy."

Well the first part of that is true. If you mean that all relationships can be stable and supportive, I agree. if you mean that all relationships can be hearts and flowers forever, I vehemently disagree and I think that is also a dangerous myth. Leading to women (and men) feeling inadequate and unhappy in their real, average, happy-enough relationships.

MaddieMoonlighting Wed 04-Feb-09 12:22:15

What a fab post <sob>

Tamarto Wed 04-Feb-09 12:30:16

It should be stickied at the top of this forum.

I agree, talking about good and bad relationships should be spoken more about at school level, some people have a very warped idea of normal.

tinierclanger Wed 04-Feb-09 12:34:14

Bravo! wish I'd had this stuck to my fridge 10 years ago!

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 12:44:23

Orm, that's absolutely not what I mean.

But there are miles and miles of middle ground between 'hearts and flowers' and abusive.

Too many women (and men) think that they have to put up with shocking behaviour because that is just what relationships are like.

Real, average and happy enough is great.

Working on a relationship means (for eg) listening to your partner, supporting them, working with them.

Not keeping your mouth shut or only dressing a certain way or not talking to people they say not to.


dizietsma Wed 04-Feb-09 12:48:26


*It should be stickied at the top of this forum.*


OrmIrian Wed 04-Feb-09 12:54:44

Sorry I misread it then.

I have a problem with people's unrealistic expectations of monogamy. I don't hold up monogamy as the ideal but if you are going to take it on it has to be warts and all. BTW the 'warts' categiorically do not include violence, infidelity and abuse, but they may well include the slight tedium that is part of a contented long-term relationship. Many people cannot accept that and think it means the relationship is on it's last legs. When it isn't.

inthemistsoftime Wed 04-Feb-09 13:05:03

Well said

I shall keep it in mind when I visit the Solicitor tomorrow!

MorrisZapp Wed 04-Feb-09 13:38:31

Superb points, absoutely spot on.

Sometimes I think we should send a mumsnet team to compete in Olympic gymnastics, the way so many posters will bend and twist the situation every which way to make it 'not their partner's fault'.

If you're walking on eggshells ladies, walk out. It's not you, it's him.

abedelia Wed 04-Feb-09 14:24:51

A lot of it boils down to sheer selfishness. Admittedly I have spent the last two days having to read the Children's Society 'Good Childhood' report about the effect of family break-up on kids so am probably biased, but many men and women now think that fulfilling their own wants (not needs, note) is the be all and end all of everything, and the emotions of their spouse / partner/ kids can go to hell as they have a RIGHT to feel in the first flush of romance now and forever with whoever comes along. If their partner can't do this they physically and emotionally abuse them. The result are miserable families, miserable single parents and miserable kids...

macdoodle Wed 04-Feb-09 14:30:51

I am a happy single parent and so are my kids - and a dran sight happier since I left my shit of a STBXH ...
Am not entirely sure what you mean if am honest hmm

Iklboo Wed 04-Feb-09 14:42:22

Totally agree.
There are times I still don't believe I deserve such a fantastic DH after 14 years of verbal, mental and occaionally physical abuse from ex-p

TotalChaos Wed 04-Feb-09 14:45:59

great post.

abedelia Wed 04-Feb-09 15:01:56

Sorry mac, I meant when people systematically deceive their OH to get an ego massage or - like your STBXH maybe - behave like demanding whiny children, not adults with responsibility for their offspring. I've done both and it is a damn sight easier bringing up dcs with two parents... Confused post the result of speaking with selfish parents and their damaged kids for two days for research - feel like I want to throw myself in the ocean! Why can't they have some consideration for each other -I think that was my point. (Got there in the end!)

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 15:38:14

Abedelia, sorry but I'm not understanding your point.

It is actually a damn sight easier bring children up alone than with an abusive partner.

And children of single parents aren't necessarily 'damaged', either. Children subjected to teh abuse of one parent by the other are much more likely to become emotionally scarred, actually.

becstarlitsea Wed 04-Feb-09 15:50:04

<<stands to applaud Reality's OP while shouting 'Woop! Woop!' "You go girl" and similar until looks around, realises can't quite carry it off and sits down again>>

Thanks Reality, I've read so many threads on MN in the past few years in this topic and felt increasingly frustrated at women thinking that abuse is the norm, that their abusive partner is 'a good dad' when he's patently not, and that they need to somehow fix themselves so that their partner stops abusing them. I end up staring at the thread going 'GAAAAAH!' and writing a post to reply and then just thinking 'What's the point...' and deleting it.

Your OP summed up exactly the truth for me. Thank you for writing it.

abedelia Wed 04-Feb-09 17:18:15

Oh no, I think I am have been staring at reports for so long that I am having problems getting stuff across. What I meant was obviously when people become parents they should then be prepared to think of their family and kids before themselves and their ego as children prefer two parents and for their OH, having someone to share the workload with is so much easier - in NO WAY was I saying it's good to stay with an abusive OH / parent, not at all!

AnyFuckerForAValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 17:30:40

< offers cuppa to abedelia >

MorrisZapp Wed 04-Feb-09 18:01:29

I think I get what abedelia means.

My brother's XP thinks that she has a right to feel the first flush of romance all the time, and is now on her fifth live-in partner in her son's life.

She is fundamentally self obsessed.

It's not for me to say she should have stayed with somebody she didn't want to, but I can't help thinking she should have thought about the meaning of commitment before having kids.

I'm from a (very happy) 'broken home' myself and I always stand up for single parent and step families. But it is fair to say that some adults do seem to have emotional/ sexual diarrhea (sp) and that their kids are their last concern when they conduct their own relationships.

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