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Right, listen up everybody.

(574 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

NicNocJnr Sat 12-May-12 20:25:40

Honestly, second HotDamn - this really, really, should be a sticky!

OracleInACoracle Mon 11-Jun-12 18:11:14


chipping Fri 06-Jul-12 20:45:20

BUMPING this amazing, empowering thread that I 'bookmarked'. Thank you Reality!!

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 10 years because I thought that was what I deserved, it was what I was worth.

Then I woke up (with a wee bit of help from mn!) & realised that I'm not stupid, ugly or worthless, I would rather be on my own than with someone who doesn't respect me, value me, accept me as I am, see me as an equal.

Divorce papers were served on H this week.


chipping Fri 06-Jul-12 21:09:26

A previous poster commented that this thread might be patronising. I don't think anyone who has:

lived in fear of saying the wrong thing,
been isolated from friends and family,
been subjected to daily put downs & criticism,
told that it is all their fault,
having no privacy - not even to go to the toilet,
being coerced into sex,
subjected to racial abuse,
tantrums when expressing your opinion,
financial abuse, etc etc.

would find this patronising. Oh to be in the position of finding it so ... you are a bloody lucky individual.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 06-Jul-12 23:58:10


ElephantsCanRemember Tue 24-Jul-12 21:01:38

I think this needs to bumped again.

AltruisticEnigma Tue 24-Jul-12 21:14:07

100% true.

I wish everyone realised this. smile

LawrenceSMarlow Mon 05-Nov-12 23:44:34

This hasn't been bumped for a while.

Dryjuice25 Tue 06-Nov-12 00:06:12


tallwivglasses Tue 06-Nov-12 02:18:33

The one thread I don't mind seeing resurrected. Read and take heed women.

EclecticWorkInProgress Tue 27-Nov-12 22:01:27

Bump again and again and again. wink

WongaDotMom Wed 28-Nov-12 15:54:09

Thank you so much for bumping this

CaramelisedOnion Wed 28-Nov-12 17:32:00

Well said!

PeggyCarter Fri 28-Dec-12 23:20:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freeandhappy Tue 08-Jan-13 22:36:07

Bumping again for 2013!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 14-Feb-13 20:06:06

Time for a bump.

It's also action day for "1 Billion Rising" today. Not entirely unrelated to this thread...

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Thu 14-Feb-13 22:16:08

Good call, HotDamn

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 18-Apr-13 00:50:59

This op is a genius so I'm bumping again.

PeggyCarter Wed 22-May-13 10:10:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noregrets78 Fri 24-May-13 22:58:29

We need some sort of 'auto bump' to regularly get this stuck to the top!

NorksAreMessy Fri 24-May-13 23:02:22

Why can't this be a sticky thingy.
Too important to rely on zombie-revivers

springymater Sat 25-May-13 11:19:52

re I would like to see classes in schools that teach teens about healthy, loving, equal relationships

Sorry if this has already been said (long thread!) but the Freedom Programme is currently being re-written (age-specific) to be delivered in schools.

YAY, I say. Get in early, teach this stuff at the earliest.

Great OP smile

unapologetic Sat 25-May-13 19:10:22

Thankfully learning about relationships is integral to the PSHE curriculum in schools. Children and young people do learn about healthy and abusive relationships and Women's aid's contribution is nationwide.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 09-Jul-13 15:54:22


Jux Tue 09-Jul-13 18:52:41

I love it every time I see this thread.

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