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at the end of my tether - cant cope anymore

(29 Posts)
Broodymomma Sat 31-Jan-09 19:25:26

I just seem to have hit a point of no return with my relationship with dh and i think i want out. I have posted before about various problems and you guys have been great so I am hoping you will help me through tonigh as i feel i cant cope anymore.

DH and I had a minor row last night which he has escalated beyond belief. Today would have been his dads birthday but he died suddenly 3 years ago and i know thats got a lot today with him majorly overeacting but i cant go on being his emotional punchbag anymore. Since his dad died i have done everything in my power to support him and his mum and he has thrown it in my face. I am nightshift at the moment and had to leave for work last night with him shouting "just fuck off get lost" and then refusing my call last night. I only called as our son is poorly and i wanted to know he was ok and if im honest i did not think he would make such a deal out of a small row.

I came home this morning after my 12 hour shift and got up at 10am to see them both as he was taking ds to stay with his mum today and tonight so she was not alone. I went down and tried to give him a cuddle and he shrugged me off and again told me to fuck off. I walked away and went to our son who was visibly unwell. Only a cold but he is my baby and i worry about him. Anyway dh refused to talk to me so i left it as i did not want ds seeing us like that. As they were leaving bearing in mind what day it is and i want see them until tomorrow night now i tried again to hug him and said can we just let this go please - he was holding ds who i was saying by to also and he put his finger in my face shouted fuck off and then pushed me into the next room.

I cant take anymore and watching my poor childs face today when he seen that was too much. I texted him tonight and said - can you tell me how ds is please- he ignore it, i called him he ignored it. SO i ended up calling his mum who told me ds has been poorly all day with a tempterature. I have had to come to work again for another 12 hour shift and im sat here a wreck. I honestly dont know what to do anymore i feel so lost. Its a long night ahead with all this on my mind i cant believe he could be so cruel as to keep me from my son - he knows that would get to me.

Just had to talk.

eNABlemetobebetter Sat 31-Jan-09 19:28:12

Do you have to be at work? I'm afraid I would leave and go home.

I would leave dh too.

LucyJones Sat 31-Jan-09 19:28:24

Could you tell work that you need to be with your poorly son and go to his mum's and try and sort it all out?
maybe you're mum would let the 2 of you go out for a drink to talk?

Broodymomma Sat 31-Jan-09 19:31:06

Not an option I am afraid as Im the manager i cant leave until 05.30 whne my relief comes in. I cant talk to him he is ignoring every attempt i make.

LucyJones Sat 31-Jan-09 19:35:02

he sounds very childish
but I guess it is a very emotional time?
would he consider counselling?

blinks Sat 31-Jan-09 19:41:39

pushing is utterly unacceptable and if you leave this, it will escalate.

it would be the end of the road for me.

cheapskatemum Sat 31-Jan-09 19:49:59

It's really sad that DS should witness his father treating his mother like that. MIL sounds nice, could she speak to her son? She must be grieving too, but seems to be coping better with it.

Sorry you're having to cope with working in such a responsible position whilst there's difficulties at home. I know how hard that is!

Broodymomma Sat 31-Jan-09 22:58:26

His mum is fine but she has enough on her plate at the moment. Just got a text from my sil saying how the lads have all went out on the town tonight - i did not even know. Meaning dh who i put all this down to him being upset over his father had managed to get himself together enough to keave our ill son with his mum whilst hegoes out on the lash. I am not even hurt anymore i am angry that he could treat me like this. Honest to god a small row over what time he was going to leave today turns into him ignoring me like this. I have had enough of it i really have. I honestly feel so crap about myself and why when he is out having a good old bevvy with the lads. He could not care less about the effect this has had on me. Im so angry

blinks Sat 31-Jan-09 23:52:09

is this the first time he's pushed you/put his hands on you?

Broodymomma Sun 01-Feb-09 01:32:48

yes it is. He is normally very placid if im honest but also very stubborn. This will go on for days until he decides he is ready to forgive me. He has just taken it too far as i feel the row we had does not warrant how he is acting and i have tried over and over to speak to him even apologising when i dont think i was wrong i think he has blown it way out of proportion. To use my child against me today and ignore my calls etc i think is whats upset me the most - right now i dont think i could care less if its over.

warthog Sun 01-Feb-09 09:23:15

don't apologize. he's acting like a 2 year old. all this sulking and rejecting your advances. pathetic really. i'd carry on as normal and ignore his sulks. talk cheerfully and go about your normal business.

warthog Sun 01-Feb-09 09:23:48

and i do think not returning your calls when your dc is sick is totally not on.

blinks Sun 01-Feb-09 14:41:06

he sounds very manipulative.

in your situation i would be thinking about an ultimatum- counselling or separation.

if you both let this go, i'd be worried where it could end.

don't apologise or take any responsibility for his behaviour. i can't emphasise that enough...

cheerfulvicky Sun 01-Feb-09 15:04:53

It would be the end for me, I wouldn't let my other half treat me like that. You put it well when you say the situation doesn't warrant this kind of response from him, although I would say that he should never push you, doesn't matter how annoyed he is.
This must be really upsetting for your DS too. I do think you need to consider leaving, as your DP doesn't sound as though he's in a place where he can talk rationally about this to you.

Broodymomma Sun 01-Feb-09 19:26:47

Thanks for the replies everyone. Never slept a wink all day for worrying about it all and the back out for another 12 hour shift tonight. He turned up home about 3pm with ds who is by this point really not well, not eating and just looks awful. DH was reeking of booze and yet again ignored me when he came in.

I just sat with ds cuddling him and dh left and went to the shops buying stuff for his tea never once asking if i needed anything. Anyway when he came back he said "im sorry for overreacting it was bad" i said "yes it was very bad" and thats been it. In a way I am glad he has ackowledged he was wrong but at the end of the day it sorts nothing. He has put me through a weekend of hell, dumped our son when he has been poorly, ignored my calls/texts/attempts to sort it out, pushed me infront of our son, swore at me infront of him and now with his feeble excuse of an apology all is meant to be ok. He never said goodbye to me or questioned why i was leaving the house early for work (just couldnt stand to be with him and ds was asleep) so sta in my car for an hour before work.

I honestly feel l am of so little importance to him and all my attempts at talking to him about this over the last 3 years have just fallen on deaf ears. I think its over i really do but what do i do? I have no money, a 22 month old son, a huge mortgage and i only work part time normally. How the hell would i support us and where would we live? I have to laugh as we are meant to be starting another ivf in 12 weeks time. What a joke. I love him i really do but im worth more and so is ds. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, who does not find it a chore and who prefers talking to me to sitting playing with his bloody blackburry all night. I would rather be alone than put up with feeling like a burden to him.

I just dont know what to do now.

LucyJones Sun 01-Feb-09 19:30:01

can you ask him about going to relationship counselling?
maybe move out and stay with your family for a few days so he sees the seriousness of the sityation?

Broodymomma Sun 01-Feb-09 19:35:21

Staying with family unfortunately is not an option at the moment i would not really want them knowing how bad things are as they are under enough stress at the moment.

I have asked him before about concelling or relate but he does not want to know. He thinks all is great as long as its all going his way. God forbid if i express an opinion that does not agree with his i get ignored for days on end and i wont have ds brought up around that crap. I dont want to split up with him but i cant change him. He cant see or wont see how unhappy i am and its went on too long. This weekend has just put the nail in the coffin for me.

cheerfulvicky Sun 01-Feb-09 19:46:12

I think recognizing that he won't change is an important thing for you. You should feel proud of yourself as many people struggle with that as a concept for their whole lives. And yes, you can't change someone: if they want to change their behaviour they usually can (unless there is some mental illness/imbalance etc) but it doesn't sound like he wants to change. I think that's key. If he was open to Relate and really admitting he has a problem, that his treatment of you is out of order and so on then I would say you maybe have a chance. But he's basically acting like a spoilt 12 year old, and you have to consider if you are prepared to live like this for the rest of your life. As it doesn't seem that things are ever going to be different.

The blackberry is a bit of an old chestnut isn't it... Sorry to suggest this but is it possible he is having an affair? I just wondered if you've considered this as some men treat their partner like crap when they are interested in someone else.
If however he is just like that as a person or when under any kind of stress... well I think you do need to move on. I understand you don't want to bother family but is there someone you could talk to about it all in RL?

starsfromheaven Sun 01-Feb-09 20:33:56

hi there you poor women .He does not sound normal needs help!
You do not deserve to treated like that by anyone.think you should go speak with the citizens advice people they would tell you your rights with regarding money and mortgage.dont let him make you feel like something the cat dragged in x

Broodymomma Sun 01-Feb-09 22:56:41

Everyone in my life at the mo seems to have enough probs of their own and i have never admitted to anybody how i have been feeling so to suddenly say im thinking of a separation is hard. Alot of our friends are couples too so i know if i speak to the women it goes back to the guys and so on. I have had 3 texts tonight from the girls asking how dh's head is today as he was so drunk last night - i just said i would not know have not seen him.

As for dh i texted at 8pm and just said how is ds. He texted back "not good, restless and hot". He is blanking me just as much as he has been all weekend. As far as he will be concerned now he has apologised and im the one carrying it on.

I have never felt so invisible or worthless in my whole life.

Broodymomma Sun 01-Feb-09 22:58:45

forgot to add. im not sure about cheating, i dont think he is. I did start a thread last week as i noticed he had personal messaged in his inbox from female friends and i wondered why they were were hidden away as oppose to just writing them on the board but i dont think he is the type that would cheat.

He just seems to bored with me but if i ask him if he is then he says im daft and of course not but he never does anythingto make me think otherwise.

blinks Sun 01-Feb-09 23:49:32

i think your post where you mention his 'apology' and how you feel about the relationship is what you should say to him. you expressed yourself perfectly.

there sounds like there is no communication between you...

your lack of response about him pushing you will lead him to believe that it's not that serious by the way and ultimately, your son will grow up thinking it's acceptable behaviour.

time to make a stand.

BalloonSlayer Mon 02-Feb-09 08:58:34

Hmm, in your position I think I would rehearse a speech.

You - "We need to talk."
Him - "Oh God what about now?"
You - "About your behaviour."
Him - "I've said I am sorry!"
You -
"Too little, too late.
You pushed me - that's physical abuse.
You shouted and swore at me in front of our son - that's verbal abuse.
You failed to look after our son properly when he was unwell.
You claimed that all of this was due to being upset yet were able to go out for the evening.
No one should have to put up with that sort of behaviour.
I have bent over backwards to help but your behaviour is getting worse.
Unless you sort yourself out, this marriage is over."

If he claims that all his behaviour is due to the loss of his father, accept that this may well be the case, but he must addresss it - ie seek counselling - as his behaviour is destroying his marriage.

I have a dear relative who is still grief-stricken over losing her husband 20 years ago. Everyone tiptoes around her grief, even after all this time, which is of course what we should all do, to be kind. But sometimes she will actually behave quite badly and when challenged, burst into tears and start crying about her bereavement. Which shuts everyone up.

Her grief is genuine but there is also a degree of manipulation in certain situations now.

I know you'd think that you can't put a timeclock on grief, but actually counsellors can. My sis (not the relative I was talking about above) lost her husband suddenly and had counselling as the feelings of grief, fear and anger were quite overwhelming. The counsellor told her it was quite normal for her to be experiencing the extreme feelings she had, but that "it would not be normal to still feel like that in six months' time."

I do wonder if your DH's feelings are stuck somehow.

Sorry I have really rambled on.

Broodymomma Mon 02-Feb-09 19:35:29

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. It has been a hellish weekend not helped with me being 12hr nightshifts and not sleeping in the day for all this crap either.

DH got snowed in today so he has been around the house all day but as ds is poorly (took him to doc he has infection in both eyes and ears) its been a subdued day. Nothing has been said, i just cant bring myself to talk to him about it as yet. I need to work out in my own mind what i want but if imhonest i just dont know if i have the energy anymore. I know he is grieving but i do all i can to help with that and supporty him, if he wont help himself or let me in then what more can i do.

The fact the minute ds has went to bed he had put his laptop and earplugs on it says it all, not that i could even be bothered to discuss it with him but if it was the other way round and i had treated him as he has me i would be making more of an effort.

My own mum has renal failure and goes into hosp this week for an op so he knows thats on my mind too but where is his support for me. The whole thing just makes me angry now.

I looked at flats to rent today but the prices are just crazy and i dont know how i would manage with ds working shifts. I feel completely trapped in this situation.

He is not a bad man, just a selfish stubborn man and i dont think euther of us make the other happy anymore.

Im just banging on now but you lot have realy helped me this weekend it was hard to get through and just wanted to thank you all


blinks Tue 03-Feb-09 13:34:56

think you need to work up the courage to have a sit down talk about it. be honest about how you're feeling about everything without waffling on. if he wants to talk- great. if not, you should ask him to think about it and approach you when he feels ready to discuss it. if that doesn't happen, you have your answer.

i would suggest marriage counselling but if anything similar happens again, with him getting physical- LEAVE.

don't think twice about it.

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