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why do we always end up as friends?

(9 Posts)
offerdilemma Sat 31-Jan-09 19:10:09

I have been separated from my xh (together 10 yrs) now for about 9 months. It took me a long time to get over the hurt, but now I feel I want a relationship, or at least some sex ;)

So, I have had quite a few offers in the few months I have been dating:
a fireman, with a kid, who is lovely
an old school mate who is also lovely
a very sexy man at my gym
a very boring scientist
plus a few drunken snogs and flirts

At first I always seem to fancy these men - sexy man at my gym is a good example. But when it comes to meeting them properly, going for a drink or something, I just go off them. I stop fancying them, and usually end up as their friend (more often than not, with them still liking me). The old school friend is a lovely man, the opposite of my xh in every way, and I was really into him for a long time, not sure if he liked me or not. But now me and him are just friends, though I now KNOW he would like more.

So am I too fussy? Or am I trying to rush things, and all this is normal? I just feel like I really fancy men, then find out the feeling is reciprocated, then suddenly stop fancying them.

This is really confusing me, so any advice would be appreciated..

NotQuiteCockney Sat 31-Jan-09 19:45:09

It's probably worth thinking about what went wrong with your xh? If you were together for 10 years, 9 months to get over it all, isn't very long. (You don't have to post about what happened on here, but you can if that might help.)

What happens when you stop fancying them? How are you feeling? Are you not interested in them because they're interested in you?

It's possible that you're just not really ready for a relationship, and you're going off them as a result.

offerdilemma Mon 02-Feb-09 13:57:58

perhaps I am not ready for a relationship then. or perhaps I have been so conditioned over the years to not look for anyone else, that I subconsciously put myself off people iyswim.

I dont think I am put off them because they are interested, but perhaps more because suddenly the possibility of a relationshp is there? so, instead of just mooning over fancying someone, it becomes a proper question of - would you be happy with this person, and I just freak out and put myself off them so I dont have to find out the hard way?

its very confusing...

warthog Mon 02-Feb-09 14:18:12

i think you're just not ready.

NotQuiteCockney Mon 02-Feb-09 15:22:42

'just not ready' is a likely explanation.

Give it a few more months.

Was the breakup from your xh particularly bad?

gooddadbadhusband Mon 02-Feb-09 17:26:46

You are selecting men who to readily accept the role of "let's just be friends". A man should be confident and knowledgable enough to escalate beyond that and for you to feel comfortable as he does so...

Just my opinion.

Good luck.

offerdilemma Mon 02-Feb-09 19:26:11

gooddad - I am not sure I understand what you mean...

and yes the breakup from xh was awful - although I had initially wanted to leave him, I didnt expect what actually happened (without going into details), nor for it to be so long and drawn out. Even now, I dont believe a word he says, but at the same time I really want to.

It is frustrating tho, cos I do really miss being close with a man

gooddadbadhusband Mon 02-Feb-09 19:44:38

Mmmm this maybe not the forum for it... But offerdilemma, I am guessing that the men you have dated have confused your caution (natural after what you have been through) as a sign of personal rejection, that you were not interest in a relationship with them. i.e. they misread your signals, and rather than leading you, by being strong and sensitive and helping you to overcome your nerves, they stepped back. They were "afraid" to escalate the relationship into something more than friends, and you sub-consciously noticed that reticence (fear) and were not attracted to them because of it.

or maybe I am completely wrong...

NotQuiteCockney Mon 02-Feb-09 19:55:39

I'm not sure that the OP needs help overcoming her nerves, I think she just needs time to get over what happened.

She's saying she's no longer attracted to these men, once they are interested in her. You seem to be arguing for, at best, some sort of seduction ...

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