Am I wrong with asking for this??????????????????????

[BubblesDeVere]

At the minute, i am fed up to the back teeth with how things are going at home.

All i seem to do is wash, cook, iron, clean, look after the kids and other housework, the only time i have to myself is 2 nights out of 10 where i put the kids to bed and go to bed early.

When dh is home, all i seem to do is come on here (not just mumsnet, but commie in general) because there is no conversation whatsoever, all he does is sit and watch tele and look at teletext for the horseracing results.

I had planned to go out this weekend but had to cancel becuase of dd2 being ill, so i have been out once since the end of last september, dh goes out maybe once or twice a month and is usually so ill the next day he may as well not be here.

If i mention going out together he usually says he can't afford it, but he goes out and has about 15 pints and then goes onto spirits, surely if he knocked one on the head then we could go out together.

Anyway, what i am going to do is insist that one night a week we have no television when the kids are in bed and talk, play board games listen to music, basically something so that we can have a conversation

Do you think this is too much to ask? Have you got any more suggestions that don't cost much money?

[sacha3taylor]

Is it possible to get a cheep babysitter and go for a walk?

I don't think a little bit of conversation is too much to ask for. What does DH think?

[sacha3taylor]

Agree with you on the housework front!!!!

My mum will come over and comment on silly things - I havn't made my bed. I have 3 kids and she never notices that there bed are made, or that they are all happy!!!!!! She ALWAYS comments on the negitives - drives me up the wall

[BubblesDeVere]

If i mention it to him he will huff puff and reach for the television guide so he can tape whatever he'll be missing, or he will say after 1/2 hour, i am bored can we have the tele on

[coppertop]

If he can afford to go out drinking then why shouldn't you go out too? If you (as a family) can't afford for both of you to go out then why should he get to go out twice a month?

[sacha3taylor]

Turn that TV off and get out the Monopoly. Trivial Persuit is also a good one! DH always won though

[HappyDaddy]

Tell him if he's so bored, there's a shedload of housework he could be getting on with...

[BubblesDeVere]

LOL HappyDaddy, you are joking aren't you? He would never do that.

[HappyDaddy]

Men are such children.

[BubblesDeVere]

[kissalot]

My partner is glued to the PC. As soon as he gets in hes straight on it till whjen he goes to bed (unless thers something on TV in which case he'll turn over what I'm watching to put his boring crap on) It's not the lack of conversation that bothers me so much its that he dosn't play with the kids as much as he should. (He hasn't seen them all day - if I was out all day I wouldn't be able to tear myself away from them!)

[BubblesDeVere]

kissalot, i agree with you there, when he comes in from work he gives them a kiss and cuddle but then loses his temper if they follow him round. not understanding that they haven't seen him all day and they have missed him.

[kissalot]

Basically - why are men so selfish?? Like you say Bubble I have hardly been out (without him) since having DD2. And it is only every couple of months that we go out coz were skint. When he goes out he is useless the next day because of a hangover, spends all day lazing about and sleeping it off. I bet if I went out for a good drink I'd get no help with the kids then either. AAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Easy]

Bubbles, it strikes me that you have spoiled your dh something rotten.
What do you mean he WONT do housework? You give him a choice?

Mine does what needs doing as it arises. If the dishwasher needs emptying while I'm getting ds ready for bed, then he empties it (just as we do vice versa when he's getting the ds ready for bed).

He cooks our evening meal as often as I do. If he has a night out (rarely), then we make arrangements for me to have a night out.

We don't often go out together, but often treat each other with a nice meal, bottle of wine, little gift, that sort of thing.

[TokenBloke]

I'd divorce him!

[TokenBloke]

On a slightly more constructive note..
You're standard male has two problems when it comes to housework - lack of desire and lack of skill.
The skill thing can quite easily be trained. The first thing you need to recognise is that we are genetically incapable of walking into a room and noticing that it needs cleaning. We need instructions. ie. go out and leave him a list - in the early days this can be broken down into specific taks..
eg. CLean the Living Room.
Tidy up any crap that shouldn't be there
Dust the surfaces - furniture, tv, window sills, skirting boards etc
Sweep
Mop
(or hoover if you have carpets!)
Straighten furniture, fluff up cushions

Key point is we need details. "Clean the windows" is no good. We need spray with windowlene, wipe with dry cloth. if cloth gets wet, get a different dry cloth etc. etc.

Second issue is a lot harder. You can go for the softly softly approach, or have a row about.

For softly softly, my advice is to play to his strengths - we can do easy things like taking out rubbish, using the washing machine / hanging up clothes to dry / putting clothes away etc. Also tidying up is much easier than cleaning for some reason!

If you could get agreement to do these sort of things then its not a lot but is a start.

Also, a little advice..don't tell him he did it wrong, it will kill off any enthusiam. gentle constructive critism is the order of the day.

Oh - make sure you explain that women's clothes need more care when washing re temp. etc. - blokes just don't own woollen items!

[welshmum]

Tokenbloke you sound far too sensible to be a man

[kissalot]

The way my partner see it: His job is to go to work and my job is the house & kids (kids to an extent) Shame I don't get any holiday or sick leave isn't it??!!!

[Rhubarb]

Ok, here's what you do. Sort out the washing, you wash yours and the kids, he does his own. If you cook, he does the washing up and vice versa, be strict on this! If he doesn't do his own washing then he smells, no skin off your nose! If he doesn't do the washing up after you've cooked a meal, then he cooks the next meal using all the dirty pots in the sink.

Next, as he goes out once a week, you go out too. If he goes out on Sat, you go out on Friday so he can look after the kids. You get some friends together, even if it's just in someone's house watching a video. Once he sees that you have an independant life that does not include him, he will change, I guarantee it. There is nothing more sexy (am I right TokenBloke?) to a man than a woman with an independant mind.

Now don't make excuses like the kids are ill, he can look after the kids and if he can't, it's high time he learnt. Marriage is about compromise and respect, not being taken for a ride, which is, quite frankly, what he is doing with you.

And if he says that it is his money you are spending, remember that you get child benefit and probably Tax Credits, paid in your name, it is to your child's benefit that you go out once a week and enjoy yourself, you'll be a better mum for it. So don't feel guilty about spending a bit of money, he obviously doesn't!

[Easy]

Kissalot, you need to put that point to your man. His job isn't 7 days a week, 24 hrs a day, neither is yours.

More mothers need to leave dad to look after the kids one day a weekend, so they understand how exhausting it is for us.

[TokenBloke]

You probably know this - but there's a common misconception that going to work is 'harder' than looking after kids!!!! Now - you know this is bollocks, but does your dp? Many dads haven't taken a day off by themselves with the kids, so don't really know what its like, when they do it is often one day very rarely, so you can get away with playing in the park all day and not doing anything in the house. Ignoring housework for one day is fine, but not really a good idea for a year!!

My point is that it might be worthwhile subtly pointing out that staying at home with the little ones is much more difficult than sitting in an office for a day (or whatever). How you do this is your look out cos it's not a point that's going to be wlecomed with open arms...

[Cadbury]

Token Bloke and Rhubarb - you talk a lot of sense. Here here.

[kissalot]

Very true TokenBloke (I too agree that you sound far too sensible to be a man) Personally I don't mind doing most of the housework - its just little things like he could tidy up toys while I'm putting the kids to bed etc that get me. (He just says "don't worry about it" !!! He thinks that the fairies tidy up while he's not looking. Idiot. (wink)

[TokenBloke]

hmmm..kissalot. I have a theory forming here: Its all down to levels of adrenaline. Bear with me on this, as it is a theory in the making (!). When you get home from work you are knackered. During work, as long as you keep going you don't notice. Then in the journey home / on arriving home (depending on the traffic) you relax - Adrenaline levels drop and you are suddenly tired.

Hence - the irritable around the kids / can't be bothered tidying up.

Mum on the other hand has a constant flow of adrenaline throughout the day from getting up until the last child has gone to bed. Her day lasts longer than dh's so she is more tired, but dh is fine for most of the day just v. tired at night. (also ladies seem to be able to continue better with lack of sleep..)

As with many theories, getting something useful out of it is the difficult bit. You obvioulsy have to prevent him from relaxing until he's done his quota of housework and playing. Jumping on him the minute he gets through the door is too late, you need to catch him on the way out of the office...

Who said this was supposed to be easy?!

[Bugsy2]

Lots of top advice here from Tokenbloke & Rhubarb. I think men are naturally a bit lazy (wouldn't we all be given half a chance) and they let us run around after them - unless we specifically request that they do otherwise. Playing to strengths is a top tip: so bin emptying, dishwasher unloading, tidying away a specific thing are all good jobs because they have a specific start & finish.
As for a night out that doesn't cost much: cinema is always a good one for that. Or how about going to the leisure centre for a swim together?
I also completely agree with the suggestion that you have a bit more time off. Don't ask him, just say I'm off out & I knew you wouldn't mind babysitting because Match of the Day is on - or whatever it is that ticks his box.