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(1001 Posts)
macdoodle Thu 22-Jan-09 01:24:45

Started new thread guys as needed to post and old one wouldnt let me - sorry if name is bit miserable but thats how am feeling !

The police have just left
It all went tits up tonight - H found out/suspected about NM and lost it completely - was physically abusive and took my phone - best friend called the police!
Has been a hell of a night - long statement - excellent police man - who says should have called them a long time ago - gonna get the domestic violence team to ring me tomorrow - he will be arrested and probably cautioned - he seems really worried it will escalate - has put a marker on the phone for an immediate response, has adviced me to change the locks and go away for a bit if I can, and they will look at putting an alarm in the house
There is still a part of me that feels I am over reacting/is all my fault - even though an experienced police oficer is not happy about the situation!
What a mess my life has turned into

HappyWoman Thu 22-Jan-09 06:55:46

McD - this is not your fault - wtf dose your h susspect - of course you are going to get someone new.

My friend - whos h left for another woman followed the script - 2 years on she started dating and has found herself a wonderful new man - she is taking it slowly but radiant in the new love (they are always going away for weekends ectblush). Her h (who is actually exh) has thrown a complete wobbly - stopped paying for the children and being really nasty. It is because he has lost control.

Your h has lost control he knows he has pushed it too far - he does need help now, but that is not from you at the moment, try and step away.

You will be ok and we are here for you - we really must do that meet up - i am full here at the moment otherwise you could come for a break here, but if you fancy it anyway let me know and i will find somewhere cheap for you to stay.

Email me or call if you need to chat.

snoringnightmare Thu 22-Jan-09 09:14:03

Macdoodle, calling the police was exactly the right thing to do. The fact that they are taking it extremely seriously and think you should have called them a long time ago speaks volumes.

Yes your life is messy at the moment thanks to that 'man' you married, but it won't always be so. You were starting to feel happy again and life was looking better - that will come back.

Have to say I would not let H into the house if you are by yourself. As HW says, he is a control freak who feels like he has lost control. They are not good people to be around.

Take care. Again, you have done exactly the right thing, you have not over-reacted, ok? smile

TimeForMe Thu 22-Jan-09 09:35:35

It's not your fault MacD. Moving on with your life, being happy and inviting decent people into it is not a crime. Trying to prevent a person from moving on, abusing them, controlling them is a crime! You are not the one in the wrong here, HE is! Please, do not blame yourself.

I know things look very bleak at the moment. I know you will probably be worried and scared of what might happen. But trust me, it will get better. This is the turning point. You must use every facility the police offer you to get you through this. Take it all the way. Don't talk your self out of any of it for if you do, your recovery will take a lot longer. Take any thoughts that you are to blame for this out of your head right now!! You are not a victim, you are a survivor. You are a Teabag! wink

You are on the home straight now MacD. I am sending you lots of love of wishing you tons of strength to get through this.xx

HappyWoman Thu 22-Jan-09 10:05:16

I will echo TMF with do not let yourself be talked out of pressing charges.
He had the choice to stop himself - he did not.
How will you feel if you do not and give him yet again the benifit of the doubt, and he then does this to another woman in the future.

He can change and this could be a terrible terribel mistake that he has made but please do not take the reponsibilty of 'helping' him out of this.

He has truely lost the plot but that is his lookout now and no longer your problem.

Do take care and please do let us know you are ok.

Thinking of you.

ginnny Thu 22-Jan-09 10:20:47

MacD - I agree with all the others. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
You did the right thing and this has been a long time coming. He has pushed you too far so many times and each time it is a little bit worse.
Please go all the way with the police, if you don't God knows how far he'll go next time.
Also, don't let this cloud your new found happiness. You deserve to be happy with your NM.
I just think its outrageous that he can sleep with OW, have a child with her while married to you, and yet he kicks off when you meet someone else. UNBELIEVABLE shock
Good luck with the DV team today.

TimeForMe Thu 22-Jan-09 11:01:44

Just want to add MacD, this is your chance to regain control and take away his power. He is relying on you to be frightened, to feel threatened and scared. That's what makes him feel powerful over you. If you drop the charges he will feel he has won, that he has you right where he wants you, that he can do anything he likes and you won't take action to stop him.

Please MacD, learn from my mistake and save yourself years worth of pain and heartache. You can do this. You need to do this.

macdoodle Thu 22-Jan-09 12:02:59

ok I am being strong though struggling!
they found him early hours and arrested him - have had his mother over here blaming me, telling me to drop charges, telling me off for lying to her about NM, telling me that I should have divorced him years ago so it is my fault now, saying he said I wont let him see the children, and that he has "info" on me and will be phoning my regulatory body!!!
Luckily all that did was make me angry, I told her a few home truths and said it is time he faced the consequences of his behaviour
Have spoken to the PC this morning who is unfortunately not as lovely as the one last night but ok - they are going to give him a caution which will stay on his police recod but not be charged - am happy with this if he does anything again that will be it for him!
He also has a cabinet full of shotguns (licensed) upstairs and has prev threatened to shoot me "if I cheated on him" - told this to the PC last night so I now have a house full of a firearms team getting rid!!
Will ring solicitor re child access when they are all gone, and best friends H is changing front door lock tonight!
The PC who had to bring him up with the firearms team to get the safe open thought it would be nice if he could see the baby while he was here hmm so they are downstairs I am hiding up here
He came in looking very contrite but TBH I just cant keep doing this if I back down now it will never end - feel crap crap crap

WilyWombat Thu 22-Jan-09 12:09:48

Mcd - this is NOT your fault, you have given him chance after chance and he has let you down every time. He is now going to be terribly sorry for himself and hope that he can sway you with the puppy dog act...please dont let him do it.

I know this is hard but he was never going to take it well was he, unfortunately this is a phase you have to go through to get on with your life otherwise you will just be left in a half life limbo he controls.

Please let the Police do their job, you are totally not overreacting.

TimeForMe Thu 22-Jan-09 12:11:04

I'm glad you are ok MacD.

No, you can't keep doing this and yes, if you don't do it now it will never end. It might not be pleasant but trust me, it is for the best. You need to detach yourself from both STBXH and his mother as much as you can. Don't let anything she said to you make you feel guilty or bring you down. YOU are the only one who knows the truth about him, she has never witnessed what he has put you through so don't let her make you doubt you are doing the right thing.

You seem to have everything in hand. Well done you! smile

ginnny Thu 22-Jan-09 12:18:54

Well done MacD - stay strong and ignore his Mother and her poison.
At least now you know if he does anything else he will be in deep s*&t. Hopefully that will stop him and he'll leave you alone.
I had a chat with my boss this morning and all is sorted re hours and WTC now. He's going to stretch to another 2 hours a week for me.

WilyWombat Thu 22-Jan-09 12:23:48

Glad its sorted out Ginny smile

TimeForMe Thu 22-Jan-09 12:27:19

That's good news Ginny smile Mmmm, less time to be a Domestic Goddess though hmmwink

WilyWombat Thu 22-Jan-09 12:30:44

McD behind every irresponsible man is a deluded mother in my experience.

I tend to err on the side of caution and assume threats like this arent hollow for the reasons I mentioned on Ginnys thread on FB.

Hopefully (probably) this will make him realise you are not to be intimidated and he will keep his distance but please be careful, anticpate a charm offensive now and dont be fooled by it.

ginnny Thu 22-Jan-09 12:31:11

(No TFM less time to sit around watching telly and eating sweets!!!!)

WilyWombat Thu 22-Jan-09 12:35:33

Yeah im with ginny...on the sofa with a cup of tea & some sweeties watching TV - then at 10 to 3 I rush around with the hoover and a duster!!

Lilyloo Thu 22-Jan-09 12:44:52

McD just found this. Can only reiterate others sadly i guess it had to happen but you need to stay strong this is the end of his control over you and on the other side of this mess is your nm , your lovely dd's and a life you deserve.
He will be part of your past and i guess now he may know he is loosing the control he has had.
As for mil she doesn't know half of it so stay strong and chin up , you are doing very well!!

Ginny great smile

HappyWoman Thu 22-Jan-09 15:26:07

McD - just remember his mother has to also face up to the fact that her son is a twat (and as a mother of sons i dont think i would ever want to admit it). She may have said some things in anger so give him the benifit of doubt.

You are doing so well - be proud of what you have done - even though it is not what you wanted at all.

You deserve some respect from him now.

BitOfFun Thu 22-Jan-09 15:44:20

well done girl- get yourself a nice glass of wine tonight. One step further to him curling his toes up like the witch in the wizard of are taking back some control by the sound of it, and he's not liking it! So what, stuff him. Get on with being happy while he shrivels up in his own poison smile

ladylush Thu 22-Jan-09 15:56:05

McD - so sorry to read what's been happening to you. Were you badly hurt? I hope not sad You are not over-reacting. The police would not take it so seriously if you were. Often when you are in the middle of a situation you don't appreciate just how serious it is, whereas the people outside looking in have a clearer view. I agree with what everyone else said about the importance of seeing this through otherwise it is likely to escalate. Also if he is known to police he is less likely to mess about with the kids (e.g. bringing them back late and making you mad with worry.....etc.) If you seeing someone else makes him so jealous why the fuck did he mess around himself? hmm
Is there anyone who can keep you company for a while til things smooth over a bit?
Don't worry about the GMC. I doubt you can get struck off for finding a decent bloke and getting rid of a cheating wife beater.

macdoodle Thu 22-Jan-09 16:05:18

thanks LL that made me smile for the 1st time today - have no idea what he thinks he might "have on me" that the GMC would be interested in and quite frankly I dont care, I really have nothing to worry about !!
Well he has been interviewed, cautioned and released, and his guns confiscated
Plod has just rung to say they will be returning my phone in a bit (which is what he attacked me for in the first place and then took off with it and has been harassing NM all night angry)...
Am feeling more angry now though absolutely shattered - he rung DD1 to tell her I have a new boyfriend shock ...
Am still waiting for solicitor to get back to me about child access and locks will be changed tonight or 1st thing ......
Need to keep moving on - domestic abuse unit not rung yet not sure how to contact them might just sit tight for now!!
Will see NM tomorrow and have a talk, do not think it is fair to drag him into the midst of this chaos and perhaps we need to hang 5 for a few months till it all settles down - he is a real sweetie

ladylush Thu 22-Jan-09 16:12:18

Glad I made you smile smile He's just making threats, trying anyway he can to get at you. What a low-life telling your dd about nm angry Not his place ffs.

Do what feels right wrt nm, but I hope you don't give him up for fear of repercussions. This is your opportunity for happiness. For too long you've put everyone else first. High time you think about yourself hun smile

Glad his shotguns are gone from your house. Also glad the locks are being changed soon. Hope the domestic violence team get in touch soon.

ladylush Thu 22-Jan-09 16:13:50

Lilyloo - booked scan is next Wednesday but we are going to a walk-in clinic on Saturday. That way, I will know what to do on Weds iyswim.

ladylush Thu 22-Jan-09 16:15:42

No, I don't think we could slot into good housekeeping wink

TimeForMe Thu 22-Jan-09 16:34:58

Spoilsport! wink

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