Feel betrayed and raging with jealous - in my head? quite possibly!

[TwistedSister]

Ok so it's another name changer! I've been around for a few years now but if you wonderful jury of MNers conclude that I am nuts then I am just not ready to be outed yet.

Dp has been in contact with his xp without me knowing and has lied to my face when I have asked him about direct incidents. I now feel extremely betrayed, I feel like he has cheated on me (even though he hasn't). He has promised no more lies but I feel so overcome with rage and jealousy it's almost uncontrolable. all the trust I had in him has just disappeared, if his phone rings I demand to knw who it is, if he doesn't pick up his phone when I ring I go mental. I really am hating this feeling inside me. I've spoken to him rationally about things but it's eating away at me. How do I get through this without destroying us?

Please help me work this out in my head. Sorry can't bare to proof read. Need to talk but such a long story I donn't know where to start

[tillykins]

I think you need to know why he has been in touch with her as well as why he lied about it

to you, so sorry this has happened, I'm not surprised you feel like this, I would be just the same. He needs to reassure you and earn your trust again and that won't happen unless he starts giving you some answers

Tilly
xxxx

[noddyholder]

why did he contact her again that is probably what is driving you mad I know it would me Ask him

[TwistedSister]

he says he lied to protect me cos he knew I'd be upset.

He texted her on her birthday and prior to that met h er a couple of times to sort stuff out... but why lie when asked?

[tillykins]

If he lied to protect you (WHY do men do this?!) how did you find out? Is the sorting things out legitimate then? I assume from your first post that there isn't anything going on between them still, but you feel humiliated and betrayed that he has been in contact with her without your knowledge? (As would I)

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[Xena]

I would be upset too. why does he need to sort 'stuff' out?

[TwistedSister]

Well I don't believe anything has gone on with them but then there's an inkling of doubt as why else would he lie.

I knew there was something that he was hiding from me but I don't know how I knew. So I kept asking him if there's was anything he wanted to tell me etc

On a few occassions lately I have looked him in the eye and said "If there's anything I don't know, anything you've lied about or not told me now is the time to get it out in the open without me getting too cross" this was always followed by a warning along the lines of "If I find out at a later date it won't be so pleasant" Everytime he has said there's nothing.

He didn't come clean about the fact that he had her new number and had been in contact until I tripped him up and he new he couldn't get out of it.

He has deleted her numbers and said he loves me but I suspect he wrote them down somewhere first or knows them off the top of his head.

Oh I don't know, I feel really f*cked up and so insecure. Since he and I got back together I've gone out of my way to make him feel secure and loved and he has destroyed that feeling for me. I don't want to ruin what we have and I want so desperately to forget about it all and believe him but I just can't. Driving by her house or not being able to contact him makes me feel physically sick. it's horrible.

[TwistedSister]

bump.

He just walked in and saw me, when I got cagey about what was on the screen he jumped to the right conclusion that it was about him. After a long convo I asked if he really wanted to read it. He said yes. He read it and all he had to say was that I knew he loved me.

help me work through this so I don't let it destroy us.

[Xena]

Did he give you reasons why he contacted her? do they/you have children together?

[TwistedSister]

no children, went out for a year.never lived together

[Miaou]

TS, I think it's probably a good thing that he knows how much he has hurt and upset you. And also that he can't act in this way and seriously not expect it to affect your feelings of trust towards him. As you say, you have given him plenty of warning about how you would feel if he was lying to you, and plenty of chances for him to come clean.

TBH, I think you could go round and round in conversation along the lines of "why did you do it?" but I'm not sure how constructive it would be. What you do need to do is decide where you go from here. For example:

a. Do you insist he never see/speaks to her again
b. Do you say, yes you can be in contact but I want to know when/where/why etc, and I want you to be completely open and honest about it
c. Make it clear to him that him insisting he loves you alone is not enough - it will take time before you can trust him again and he has to be patient.


Lay out some (agreed) ground rules. Discuss it calmly and rationally between yourselves. If you feel you can't discuss it calmly, try writing down how you feel - or keep showing him this thread. IMHO for you both to be able to move on from this you need to have agreed goals and boundaries, not just one person laying down the law and the other person having to lump it. HTH a bit.

[TwistedSister]

Miaou - very consturctive. We are kind of at C but I am feeling very A.

Don't want to loose him but don't want to be constantly stressed like I am at the moment. I just don't understand why he lied and he can't seem to justify it to me.

I know that he will agree to anything I suggest but I don't want it to be just lip-service. I feel like he might say anything and do whatever he wants anyone (just lie to me again).

Of course I want him to make me trust him again but I keep finding out more and more. It's just a mess

[TwistedSister]

am ooff niw but will check back later or tomorrow x

[TwistedSister]

Well it's another day. he's at work and I'm just sat here wondering if he's using the time to arrange phone/text/meet her. I feel like he's being cheating on me.

How do people who take their partners back after an affair cope with these feelings?

He's been going behind my back for about 4 months and I got 'the truth' out of him on Thursday

[TwistedSister]

Ok so it's Tuesday, nearly a week since it all came out and I still feel rubbish. dp is at the pub again I think can't help wondering if he really is or not.

I never realised how much losing trust in someone can damage a relationship

[maturer]

Hi TS, been reading your messages for a few days and wondering should I reply...my Dh did have an affair, over a year ago now with someone from work. It was a huge shock and nearly destroyed our happy marriage of 15 years! we are doing well now ( it was not really about our relationship but more about issues going on in his work life at the time..mid life crisis etc!!) Anyway the point is I know exactly how you feel torn apart, eaten up by the betrayal, breach of trust ( I believe even if there was not a sexual relationship if your dh was giving away a part of himself that really he should only give to you then its akin to an affair; the breach of trist is no less- the fact that he lied to you confirms he knew he was doing just that)You can move on and get the trust back (although probably never as fully as I trusted before the affair)However the only way to do it is "face your demons" get it out in the open, say what's in your head, get your dh to recognise just how hurt you are and how insecure his actions have made you Talk, talk talk to each other even about the irrational/paranoid fears you will be having- because he made them appear in your head by not letting you trust him. Don't keep it in it will only eat awayat you. I see a counsellor- for me ( we did see one together)but I still have so much hurt I need to get my fears out in the open without it destroying us (I know that's what your afraid of) but keeping it in , filling in the gaps youself "is he at the pub? etc" doesn't help it makes it worse in the lomg run. Please tell him your thoughts, get him to understand that he needs now to reassure you and account for his time and actions for a while at least. He put the inscurities there by his lies so he has to take a big part in fixing it. Please believe me you can move on, with time, but not with silence- talk talk talk.

[TwistedSister]

Thanks for your reply Maturer it was good to have your input.

I've been writing on here but I've been thinking about starting a diary, nearly all my frinds are mutual friends I can't bring myself to tell them how I'm feeling or whats happened. I've never written a diary before but I thought it might be a good way to work things through in my head. I know it sounds silly but I don't know what to write in it.

DP and I have talked and he's been very apologetic and remorseful, he seems to acknowledge what he has done and he says he understands how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way but I can't help wondering if he's just paying me lip-service to shut me up.

I feel like whatever I say now will get the same answer and yet I don't feel like it's case closed in my mind. We have been talking, lots, and certaianly not arguing since the night it all came out. Mostly we are carrying on as normal now but occassionally I'll asking him something that's been playing on my mind or he'll catch a look on my face and give me an extra squeeze.

I think he is trying very hard to reassure me and it doesn't feel false or strained but I get the impression he just wants to forget about it and as much as I try I just can't seem to shake it out of my mind. I wonder if her number is stored on his mobile under a different name or whether he really is at the pub or working late.

I haven't given him his key back but I miss him not treating this place like a home. On the other hand I feel like if offer him his key back he will see it as 'case closed' and it isn't closed at all in my head.

It's good to get these things off my chest, I feel like I'm talking even if I'm not (iykwim). Thank you for taking the time to read this, I understand entirely if you don't want to respond further though. I would hate to think that it might open up healing wounds for you - Maturer

[betrayed]

Hi, so sorry to read your thread. Similar to maturer my dh had an 'innapropriate relationship' with a colleague last year. I say that because I think I found out before it became sexual, so it wasnt full blown affair, but I felt incredibly betrayed and still cheated on. I was devastated. It took a lot of very hard work to get us back on track, but do feel we now have much better, more honest relationship, wish we had got here for other reasons, but you cant turn the clock back. I found the lack of trust very hard to live with. Found myself checking his phone, emails all the time, listening into his conversations and it drove me insane. I thought it would always be like that, but it did get better. A year on I have the odd moment when I think I will never be able to sit back and feel I know what he is up to, but they are only moments. I do think that what got us through was talking, as maturer said. We talked and talked and talked, and I had to ask questions, sometimes over and over again, and eventually when I kept getting the same answer it got less important to ask the questions. It drove me mad realising that I would never truly know what went on between them. I also eventually realised that dh couldnt win, the only answer I was after, but terrified of hearing was that they had had sex and that he had loved her. He says he cant say that because its not true. Not sure if that makes sense. I think there is a bit of trust that has gone for ever, but then I look back and see how far we have come over the last year and anything is possible. I hope you can get through this, but I think you really need to work through it, please dont just bottle it up, I think it will eat away at you. Good luck.

[TwistedSister]

Betrayed you talk about a lot of what I am feeling now. I think the only way I would honestly believe him was if he came and said he done it and he loved her. I know exactly wher eyou are coming form with that statement.

I didn't sleep much last night, I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I don't know why but I seemed to have slipped again. I sent him a fairly weird text today teling him how I was feeling and he called me, told me I was being silly and that he loved me etc

I see his phone lying around and I so want to pick it up and look through it but I don't want to be like that. I don't want to look through his phone, spy on him, check up on him and I know that even if he has been using his phone if he's confident enough to leave it lying around then he's deleted everything incriminating from it.

I do strongly suspect that he has her number in his phone under a different name but what can I do?! I can't phone everyone in the memory fgs! I don't want to turn into some psycho woman that he doesn't want to be with any - I don't want to push him away. I don't want to lose him but I do want to feel like I can trust him again. If I don't feel better than this soon then maybe it's dead in the water anyway - no matter how much it will hurt us both. don't know. I think he feels that I'm overreacting but you can't help the way you feel can you(?). He won't say that to me because I know he's doing everything to be nice to me right now.

[TwistedSister]

RIght I've been thinking and thinking and I really am just going to try and put this out of my mind.

I have decided that I m going to cook dinner tonight and sit down with dp to talk, I have told him I want to talk to him (but he still chose to go to the pub first ) anyway that aside I have decided that I am going to tell him that all his effort hasn't gone unnoticed and that I really appreciate it etc

He has just been doing little things but they seem really important at the moment for example he used to watch tv/crack open a beer while I cooked but he has now been standing in the kitchen talking to me about things, passing me bits and getting us both a drink etc asking how my day has been and stuff like that. Has been taking the plates out etc

So I'm going to tell him that his efforts haven't gone unnoticed and that I love him and I'm not going to keep dragging it up. However I am going to make it quite clear that if there's anything else I should know he must tell me and next time he won't ge the chance to come clean and discuss.

He will break my heart if he has an affair or leaves but I can't spend my whole life worrying about that can I?!?! He is with me and he loves me, he treats my dd as his own. There is nothing else I don't trust about him, we get on famously and have fantastic sex. so we shall just see what happens from here I guess.

[maturer]

Ts and betrayed thanks for sharing your experiences too. I still have days where I feel all the pain of being betrayed and lied to by the one person in the world I never ever thought would hurt me and on those days I am tempted to look at his phone or question in my head where has he been? who with etc? but they get less with time and my dh knows that although he hates to talk about it (he's ashamed of what he did)he has to when I feel like that to get over the next hurddle and move on that little bit more. So TS I think the going over and over is a process you have to go through to move on. Don't be afraid of being completley honest with your dp about what's going on in your head. I hope the talk tonight goes well- it sounds as if he is trying to reassure you, to put in that extra time and effort together, don't shut him out let him share your pain. The most healing time for us came when I knew we were working together again even though it was so painful.
Oh and TS it isn't painful to talk about it now as I firmly believe facing my pain, even with MN's helps me move on, I hope it helps you too?

[betrayed]

Hello TS, sorry I have been away for a few days. I think, as Maturer says, it is a process you have to come through. A close friend of me had a similar experience to mine a year before I did and she told me I needed to draw a line under it or I would drive myself insane thinking about it. She was right, but it took me some time to get to that point. It did come however, once I felt I had asked all I needed to and gone over all I needed to. As Maturer says it comes back occassionally, but we are doing really well, and I would say hang on there, it does get much easier to live with, and it does fade it time. My obsessive checking of him has gone. A year on, as I said before, there is the odd moment when I am a bit low, with PMT say, and I will get a bit paranoid and check something, but on the whole I can t be bothered anymore. I think there are only so many times you need to hit a brick wall before you get bored of hitting it. Good luck, I hope you can get through this, and remember to talk to us, no matter how far down the line if you feel the need, it might help.