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Mum working her socks off; DH at home doing sweet FA

(21 Posts)
cheapskatemum Mon 19-Jan-09 18:46:33

I'm sure this can't be the only thread on this theme, but my search didn't throw up anything recent.

DH made redundant November. I'd just started temporary job in very pressured environment, but professional pride, need for money and not wanting to let workmates down made me stick at it. By December I was physically ill. Now am off work with stress. Yes, the job is hard, but if DH was a) sympathetic &/or b) helped out on the home front, I'm sure I wouldn't be in this state.

Any responses gratefully read!

dittany Mon 19-Jan-09 18:49:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker Mon 19-Jan-09 18:52:51

Well that's crap but it didn't just happen did it? If you aren't getting the support you need you have to talk to your dh and tell him what he needs to do to help you - then you need to listen to his reaction. Is he doing sod all because he thinks you've got it covered and like doing it, does he think he'll get it wrong, is he depressed because he's out of paid work and struggling to feel up to anything or is he just plain lazy? If it's the last one then read him the riot act but if it's anything else then you have to listen as much as you talk.

cheapskatemum Mon 19-Jan-09 19:01:16

Thank you both. When I raise the issue he snaps at me. NL, I think it's because of suggestion c) - he is definitely not enjoying being out of work. He might also think he'll get it wrong, but how wrong can you be, just saying "Mmm, yes, it must be tough"? That would go a long way.

dittany Mon 19-Jan-09 19:03:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker Mon 19-Jan-09 19:09:57

Thing is if he indicates that he knows how hard things are for you he is also accepting 'responsibility' for that because it's all because he's out of work blah blah. Now you and I would say that's bollocks and marriage is a team effort, when one falls down the other can encourage etc etc but that's not how a lot of men work - for them it's head in the sand time. He may not be able to acknowledge your efforts without feeling diminished. Now knowing that doesn't make you feel any better and imo he does need to get over it but I think the gentler you are with the whole issue the better results you'll get. Remember he is looking to feel guilty because it only backs up what he (wrongly) suspects. You have to get him out of that mind set and the way to do that is by getting round his defences.

Is there any prospect of a job for him? Has he suffered from depression before. Do you have sympathetic friends or family not involved in the situation or could tell him not to be an arse?

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain Mon 19-Jan-09 19:12:18

Has he always regarded housework as your job? If he previously pulled his weight then he may be depressed if he isn't doing much now, but if he thinks that servicing him domestically is what you are for then he needs a rocket up his lazy arse.

cheapskatemum Mon 19-Jan-09 19:23:13

NL - I'm gobsmacked, because you seem to know my DH inside out & back 2 front!

He hasn't suffered from depression before - he does hold his DS in high esteem, so I could speak to her - good idea.

He does rather see most domestic chores as my responsibilty, but in the past & certainly since DCs came along, I have worked part-time, or been SAHM. He was the big city bigwig earning the megabucks.

Northernlurker Mon 19-Jan-09 19:30:49

My dh has been made redundant twice and before that when I was growing up my dad had the same. We've weathered it ok but I've seen which way the wind blows. It's a time when you realise how different men and women are. Getting his sister on-side would be a good idea. Good Luck!

cheapskatemum Mon 19-Jan-09 19:35:20

He's talking 2 her on the blower now - the anticipation of the look on his face when I ask him if I can have a word with her is squibblish!

pointydog Mon 19-Jan-09 19:48:20

is he not doing any childcare or housework?

TheYearOfTheCat Mon 19-Jan-09 20:00:04

Oh Cheapskate, I empathise so much.

cheapskatemum Mon 19-Jan-09 21:43:37

pointydog - he took the dustbins out this morning, then at about 4.30pm, he grumbled & moaned for about half an hour about how they needed bringing in again & how he supposed he'd have to do it. On & on & on, I was on the verge of just saying "I'll do it, it'll only take a minute", but instead I stood firm & thought "Yes, you jolly well can do it, since it's the only thing you've done all day".

So, yes, basically, no housework, or childcare, except bin-moving.

YearOTC thank you 4 empathising. I guess NL is right & it's how his depression manifests itself.

dittany Mon 19-Jan-09 21:45:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheapskatemum Mon 19-Jan-09 21:46:32

Sorry, just realised I typed DS for darling sister, she is his sister, but she's my SIL. She's going to have a word with him tomorrow. That'll probably be thrown back in my face: "How dare you tell my sister blah di blah?"

cheapskatemum Mon 19-Jan-09 21:53:45

Northernlurker - his brother-in-law said he'd phone this week about some work for him, but hasn't rung. I would've just rung and asked what was happening, but no, he wouldn't dream of it. Have spoken to SIL and her husband's been worryingly ill, so that explains that one.

Also a job in Germany, that he was previously not shortlisted for, has bounced back, interview on Friday.

lessonlearned Mon 19-Jan-09 23:10:11

If he's sensitive that you have discussed his situation - remind him that she is on his side too and those who care don't want him to sink into appathy and inertia. Remind him that he has more to offer than for you to let that happen.
It is an awful thing to contemplate being put out of work. Some of what he's experienced is rejection and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Do not reinforce these feelings - appeal to his competence by telling him he has transferable skills that he can contribute to your partnership. He may not realise all that's required in domestic management - working under pressure, being creative etc (I don't need to tell you....)

Northernlurker Tue 20-Jan-09 00:00:17

lessonlearmed is totally right - it's because you care and because you're on his side that you want to support him and showing him how he can support you is part of that. I hope the interview goes well and that you get lots of options soon.

He was totally crap about the bins but it's not the bins that's the real issue is it? All the best.

cheapskatemum Tue 20-Jan-09 08:47:38

dittany - "The energy it takes to grumble and moan is a lot more than just getting on and doing it".
My feelings entirely, in the past, I've fallen into the trap of proving this by just getting up and doing it. Big mistake!

dittany Tue 20-Jan-09 15:53:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheapskatemum Tue 20-Jan-09 22:22:37

Thank you all. We had that discussion today, dittany. His immediate response was to say that hopefully He'll get a job soon, so I can work fewer hours.

HOWEVER he did make his sausage casserole for dinner (DSs had been primed to say how much they wished he'd make it and the like). Me pointing out that when he worked, I took DSs to football practice & everything else because he wasn't physically there to do it & wondering why it was different when I was at work; seemed to be logical enough for him to understand.

I will keep plugging away. The worm has turned! In fact she's turned in the direction she used to live & is going to stay with an old friend for a couple of days.

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