Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I feel like giving up on this relationship

(13 Posts)
Ace100309 Sun 18-Jan-09 17:51:44

Hey all,
Im new to this site, I am 33 weeks pregnant, and cant wait to be a mum!!

Sorry to start with a depressing post but I dont have many people to talk to and I wanted a neutral opinion.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he is a very difficult person to be with (a typical Aquarian male!!). He does not want to commit. He is excited about the baby coming and he is already a dad and I know he'll be wonderful with our son but when it comes to us I am just not sure.

I don't know alot about him because he doesnt talk to me about things. He has a very close friend who he has known for 15 years and he always talks to her but not me. I've tried to get him to open up but he just doesn't. If we argue, his way to resolve it is to disappear for a week with no contact. I am worried about when the baby comes and he does this as I have no one else to help me. I have supported him through a lot and just dont feel I get anything back from him. I am getting fed up with trying. He wont be contributing financially (he earns very little and after rent and maintenance to his other son he only has enough for bills) and he wont be moving in and I just dont know what to do.

I am so excited to be a mum and know I will always do the best for my son but I am getting the distinct impression I am gonna be alone for most of the time.

What do you think I should do??

preggydonuts Sun 18-Jan-09 17:55:26

Tbh the disappearing thing I would worry about.....
I had a friend who put up with this for three years. It almost destroyed her and she made a decision that whilst she could usually get her head around his wandering she couldn't do it to the children. They were bewildered and upset.
Be strong...... You sound together about the baby. Be the best mum you can be......

MarlaSinger Sun 18-Jan-09 17:57:02

Congratulations on your pregnancy

You sound very 'together' in yourself which will serve you well - your concerns sound completely justified and it doesn't really sound like you are partners - from my experience - my relationship fell apart the very second I gave birth - I think the last thing you need with a newborn baby is a loser man around. This is a bit hypocritical as we came through it but it was nothing like your situation but there were many times when he was making life so impossible that I would have been happier alone.

Don't settle for second best and do not let him get off scot free when it comes to money - am sure you will get lots of good advice on that here too.

Oh and welcome to Mumsnet!

NotPlayingAnyMore Sun 18-Jan-09 17:57:51

If he doesn't have any disposable income then where is he staying when he disappears for a week?

Ace100309 Sun 18-Jan-09 17:59:46

He has his own flat. He struggles to pay the rent and bills but he refuses to move in, so.....angry

MarlaSinger Sun 18-Jan-09 18:03:14

What are his reasons for not moving in?

Ace100309 Sun 18-Jan-09 18:06:52

Because, I quote, "I like my own space and what if we split up I will be homeless"

Its all just a load of BS....if he wanted to live with me, he would. Simple. He's just creating stupid excuses.

Everyone likes their own space but when you are in a relationship with someone it is a natural progression. I just dont understand. If one of my friends was going through this I would be so harsh...i'd be like "take your keys back, don't let him have a home when he feels like it he's having his cake and eating it etc" but when its me I cant follow through.

mrsmaidamess Sun 18-Jan-09 18:09:09

I'm sorry, but why did you want to have a baby with this selfish person?

Earlybird Sun 18-Jan-09 18:12:31

Get him to rent out his flat so he can move in with you. Rental payments would cover the expenses he is now struggling to pay, and if the two of you split he could get the flat back eventually.

But, he does sound like he is looking for excuses to keep you at arm's length.

Ace100309 Sun 18-Jan-09 18:13:10

I think I got caught up in the fantasy of it all. Honestly I think I thought he'd change so I only really have myself to blame as I should know by now that you cant change someone.

AnyFucker Sun 18-Jan-09 18:27:07

It sounds to me you just have a fuck-buddy and not really a "relationship" as such.

He sounds like a twattish fuckwit scatty dreamer to be honest, am really not sure what you are getting out of this.

Perhaps you should be prepared to be a single mother. Many, many people do it.

Leo9 Sun 18-Jan-09 18:51:39

I guess our weaknesses always find us out in life in the end sad It seems very likely to me that you will be a single mum and that it was a very unwise and questionable choice to have a baby with this man. You will have to live with the consequences of that choice - as we all live with our own choices.

I think the main thing you could do now for your child when it comes is make sure that this man is aware you expect him to face his responsibilities financial and emotional for the child.

MorrisZapp Sun 18-Jan-09 19:31:47

If you stopped making an effort with this guy, what would happen?

From what you've said, it sounds like your relationship would dissolve if it wasn't for you doing the work for both of you.

Easy for me to say but I'd tell him enough was enough, and end it. If after time he wanted you back you would then be in a position of strength to state your needs and expectations.

At the moment, he has no reason to change.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: