Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
'The Other Woman'....(165 Posts)
Is there anyone else out there that's a mistress? And is quite happy just being 'the other woman'?
Before anyone says anything, i'm not a troll, i'm a regular that changed their name to protect myself.
I'm a single mum, and have been seeing a lovely bloke on and off for the past five years, and he is my childrens father. I'm under no illusions - he's not going to leave his wife and kids, and i don't want him to. I wouldn;t ask nor expect him to. We've tried several times to end our relationship, but we keep coming back to each other - it's like a moth to a flame.
So, are there any other happy mistresses out there?
I have no doubt there are many.
It is a great myth that mistresses are desperate for the man to leave the wife in all cases.
In your case what would happen if he was found out?
I'm sure the mistress is often fine. And the husband.
The wife however...
I think a mistress would logically want more. There is no security that the relationship would continue, the mistress lives a life of hope.
If the mistress got into a relationship, would the bloke still want to see her...and what if she couldn't?
The mistress is logically going to want the bloke to move to be with her. For as long as he doesn't move, she is going to feel lesser valued because the bloke is choosing the wife over her.
The relationship is not going to end while you don't have something to go to. No one wants to be on their own. The bloke has a bad time and comes to you, he knows you and you him, so you and he comfort each other. You have broken the plan a few times already, so another time won't matter.....the relationship carries on.
You don't really want it to end, because of the excitement or positives you get from the relationship. What person would say "no" when there is little reason to say "no"?
If you really want to say no, get a distraction, till you caan keep your decision.
I was until last year. I didnt know for quite a while he had a live in partner and by the time I did had fallen for him, hook line and sinker. I hadnt wanted a full on relationship and had made that clear from the beginning. I think it was this that allowed him to think 'I can get away with this as she wont be demanding commitment from me' (and he admitted as much.) Yes I could of walked away but I didnt.
I (we) too have a young child and it was his attitude toward him they made me end things. He did a complete u-turn on how we had decided things would be, basically he has totally turned his back on his son. He would of been happy to continue OUR relationship, but ignored his son. I wasnt prepared to let that happen
Lots of people are quite happy with part-time/not-living-together relationships. In your situation there is a possiblity you can't control, which is that his wife finds out what's going on (or, as may be the case, she knows what's going on, had been prepared to ignore it, but somehow got in shoved in her face that it was happening and therefore has to take action) and everything gets horrendously messy.
I'm not quite sure what to advise you to do. You can't just stop all contact with someone who is the father of your DC because whatever the adults may have done, the DC and their father presumably love each other, and the DC certaily have a right to a relationship with their dad. I would suggest making sure you are bomb-proof financially and legally ie is his name on the birth certificates? Is he paying you maintenance? How are you doing financially otherwise, do you own a house or have a rented house that you can afford to pay for?
Another issue is what to tell your children about their father: do you live far enough away from his other home for hiim to be able to go out with you in public or attend school events?
Basically, sooner or later this bomb will go off. The likeliest trigger is your DC finding out the situation and blowing it wide open ie wanting to contact their half-siblings or something. I guess my best advice to you is to start preparing for this to happen now then you've got your preparations in place.
Thank you for not flaming me.
To be honest, i don't know if his wife knows. But if she were to ever confront me, i wouldn't deny it, and he knows this. Things are troubled between him and his wife - and although i suppose i may play a part in that, it really runs a bit deeper, and he freely admits that he's only staying for the children, and that's fine by me, like i said, i would never expect him to leave his family for me.
His mother and gran know about us and the children. I actually get on very well with them, and they have become friends. No one else, as far as i know, knows about us. He isn't named as the father on my childrens birth certificates - my now ex husband is, although he too has no idea that the children aren't his. We split up 10 months ago because he was violent towards me and i won't take that from anyone. I have no plans to tell the children who their biological father is.
I'm quite happy to be on my own, being honest. Yes, there are times when i wish that my lover didn't have to go back to his wife... but i've built up a life now with just me and the kids, and he fits in around that.
I'm sorry, I'm finding it hard that you can type these sentances directly after each other...
"I have no plans to tell the children who their biological father is."
"I'm quite happy to be on my own, being honest"
As far as I can see there is nothing honest about this.
Are you really happy though? If you are why have you tried several times to end the relationship?
Christ, that poor woman (his wife).
Personally, I think you are storing up many problems for the future.
Your ex-dh thinks the children are his?
Bomb waiting to go off, for a myriad of reasons.
or maybe you have issues about your own self-worth which has led to you choosing partners who are no good? Perhaps you haven't really got an understanding of what a true loving relationship can be like and so you are settling for what you know?
I'm not sure that you are all that happy.
I am happy this morning as the kids haven't argued yet. But I see no reason to start a thread about it, unless I am looking for some sort of reassurance that telling them to play in their own rooms so they don't argue is OK.
I think you know there's something not quite right about this.
People with low self worth learn to expect a certain kind of life, almost like they deep down feel it is all they deserve. It might be worth exploring this as it may be why you have made such bad choices and settled for them.
NTOW: you are making a major mistake if you think you can keep it from the DC indefinitely who their biological father is. This is one of the worst things a parent can do to a child, because when the child finds out (and they always do, sooner or later) it absolutely shakes them to the foundations. TO realise that the person closest to you has lied to you for your whole life is something some people never actually recover from. THey go nuts.
I think what you actually need is some sort of professional help to sort out what you are going to tell your DC and how you are going to tell them.
INteresting that your man's mother and gran are friendly with you and know about the children, but this makes it even more likely that things will come out into the open. Do they both hate your man's wife? Whether they do or not, sooner or later one of them will either accidentally let something slip to her, or have a crisis of conscience about lying to her - or fall out with you and want to cause trouble.
I think actually the best thing to do is talk to your man and make plans to go at least semi public so you can control some of the fallout (the timing of it, at least).
Poor kids, they seem to have nobody putting them first.
I agree, you are storing up lots of problems for the future - and not just for you or your generation!
I would strongly recommend that you get some counselling to work out how to untangle this mess before it unravels before your ready for it.
Not you I would have a problem with - but him.
What a shxt - men are so weak.
I am clear that if something happened to my husband and I that I would not have another relationship in the sense of moving in and sharing a life. I have 3 children and my life where I want it. I would want a fuckbuddy though and would make sure he stayed a reasonable distance away so that my children did not know.
I would not be going for the married ones because I would not be prepared to compromise.
As I said - no problem with you but him, well what is he doing to his wife, to you and to the children.
wow. i don't think i've ever read anything first hand that has been this trashy. you get the gold medal on this one.
i totally understand the need of having a self fulfilling life, to be completely independent and to not 'need' to rely on anyone.
but my goodness! not even your children can truthfully rely on you...you may not see it now. but your first is old enough to stop trusting everything you say and asks questions --don't think for one moment they (your children) won't piece things together. and at that point what little credibility you have will put you in the negative with everyone around you for quite a while, depending on if people can forgive you.
you said your ex was abusive. this could be true, but you admitted to lying to your children and your ex, so really what credibility do you have?
haha, and your current lovers mother knows about you? is she laughing at how skanky you are? or is she just being nice for the sake of her secret grandchildren?
you said this man won't leave his wife, but remains with her for the sake of the kids and their problems deep...that is a pretty large pile of bullshit my friend. not a lot of people stay with someone they are miserable with just for the sake of the kids...he might say 'for the sake of the kids' but what he means is 'i'm not ready to leave her because there is still hope for us'...
You have kid's by the guy you're having an affair with? That doesn't sound like the happiest situation, really. So much deceit. How will your kid's feel about this later on in life? I'm not flaming you, but I don't think it's something to be proud of, really (and I have been the OW, so I am not saying that in a haughty way).
This sounds like an Eastenders plot just waiting to blow up somewhere along the line. I've no sympathy for "other women" or cheating men, as a child of a broken home I know how much hurt it can cause to all parties. I'm not flaming you either but it really does sound like its all going to end in disaster.
Your poor kids. I really dont want to condemn you for the affair (because what would be the point? You must know the hurt that is being caused) but i assume you dont think you are doing your children the massive disservice that you are, cos otherwise you wouldn't do it right? But you have condemned then to never knowing their father - i assume you planned that the other man would impregnate you and not your husband?- and thereore never really knowing themselves. They have to live with the knowledge that...
why would you want to live a half life though?
maybe you don't think your good enough to expect more.
i read the blog of a friend's mistress. I had lunch with the friend last week. He is very happy with both his wife and his mistress and she has exactly what she wants (and she never wants children) and likes the independence.
(Sorry for split post) ... Their father is a violent abuser, um, except that he's not. Presumably their real father is (in your eyes if no one elses) a decent man yet your kids believe they are the product of an abusive relationship and a man who they either already despise or will come to despise when they grow and they can see him for what he is. What an injustice for them. They have one life and one father and its all lies because thats what suited you and your bad life choices. I feel so sad for them.
Join the discussion
Please login first.