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Constant Arguing

(30 Posts)
kissalot Fri 01-Apr-05 14:58:46

Does anyone know what effect it can have if you argue a lot when your kids are present? Will it change them as they grow up or affect them in other ways? I know it is not good to row in front of the kids but what effect does it have and how will this come out in them??

My partner and I are going through (another) bad patch but this time its a lot worse. I have said that I can't carry on like this - I dread him coming home from work sometimes even if we parted on good terms coz I know he'll find something to argue about later. My biggest worry is my girls. We do try now to wait until they have gone to bed before we "talk" but then we cannot even speak to each other at all. He says I am unbearable - but I don't think I am. Even if I'm feeling low I try to be cheery and have a joke with him. He does work hard so I appreciate that he is tired etc but life is for living isn't it? I always say that as long as we are all healthy any other problem can be put into perspective. But he seems to dwell on things constantly. When we do row he can be very aggressive (not so much in front of kids) and I am sometimes quite scared of him.

We have come close to breaking up a few times but when it came to it I couldn't bear to part him from the kids (I would fall apart without them if it were me and he is a good dad to them) and I told myself I did still love him and surely if we both try more we can have a happy future. Am i kidding myself??

Could go on an on but my head is getting a bit jumbled now (and the kids are running wild in the garden)

dropinthe Fri 01-Apr-05 15:13:38

Not preaching here but kids can quite often heap a whole lot of guilt on themselves and think its their fault that you are both arguing. Thay will also bend over backwards to make you both happy because then they feel secure-could you not go to Relate??

mummytosteven Fri 01-Apr-05 15:16:29

i would say the problem isn't so much the arguing in itself but I get the impression that there's a bit of inequality in the rowing - i.e. he'll come home and regularly pick on you. if your DH is stressed, he should learn strategies to deal with that, rather than take it out on you.

Aimsmum Fri 01-Apr-05 15:23:35

Message withdrawn

kissalot Fri 01-Apr-05 15:31:21

I have asked him to go to relate with me but he refused. I've asked him to go to anger management which he agreed to but never went thru with it. I think he may suffer from depression but he won't go to the doctors. He is a very stubborn man. My daughter has seen me teary eyed a few times and I hate to think of what this is doing to her. I grew up in a fairly happy home myself.

He just seems to such an angry bitter man he is always so miserable. Easter weekend was awful, I caouldn't wait for him to go back to work. There are a lot of problems between us - he has fallen out with most of my family who I am very close to and I am beginning to resent him about this as he makes it impossible for them to come round and it dosn't go down to well if I say I'm taking them round there.

I feel like I tip toe around him a lot and he has ways of putting me down (house is a tip, what do I do all day, dinner was crap, aren't you meant to be on a diet? sort of stuff)

If I had read this post before having kids and meeting him I would think "what a weak pathetic woman" but I just feel kind of trapped.....

Ramble ramble ramble I'll shut up now.

Aimsmum Fri 01-Apr-05 15:48:42

Message withdrawn

sobernow Fri 01-Apr-05 16:07:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kissalot Fri 01-Apr-05 16:10:01

When are are not arguing and he is in a good mood I wonder why I make such a big deal out of it - until the next time. But those moments are getting less and less so who knows?

I think I could manage Ok without him apart from the fact we would have nowhere to live! It's kind of a releif if he goes out, whereas a few years ago I would secretly want him to stay in.

I know this isn't a healthy relationship at all, I often feel envious of other couples.

It feels odd writing all this down - I feel kind of guilty as if I shouldn't be doing it (I'm new to this site!!) Anyway he'll be in soon.

Thanks for your support hopefully this weekend will be a bit better?????

kissalot Fri 01-Apr-05 16:14:31

Hi Sobernow - I did once stay at my sisters for two nights and he phoned me constantly, sometimes angry sometimes begging me to come home. The thing is when he says that not seeing the girls every day would break his heart. Especially as the little one is only eighteen months. I also stayed at my mums one night and he actually came all the way round at half ten at night no matter how much I asked him not to.

mummytosteven Fri 01-Apr-05 16:15:04

i would say from a practical POV - get an emergency bag of stuff/ID/money/clothes/ etc ready just in case things do escalate and you need to leave suddenly

also can you get to a CAB/Benefits Agency to get an idea as to how you would manage if you were by yourself.

sobernow Fri 01-Apr-05 16:17:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytosteven Fri 01-Apr-05 16:17:37

It all sounds very manipulative to me tbh - like he expects his nasty treatment of you not to have any consequences, and that if you left it would be you at fault for depriving him of seeing the kids. If he's that devoted to his kids he should be showing more respect and consideration to their mum!

sobernow Fri 01-Apr-05 16:19:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sobernow Fri 01-Apr-05 16:19:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytosteven Fri 01-Apr-05 16:21:15

you see it's all him*,*him*,*him, rather than looking at how he can change his behaviour and make you happier

MeerkatsUnite Fri 01-Apr-05 16:44:49

Kissalot,

I would have to agree with the comments Sobernow made - he is showing you abusive and controlling behaviours. I notice he is blaming everyone except himself for all the problems.

If he won't go to Relate consider going on your own instead before you are ground down to zilch by him. He's done a lot of damage already - why give him the opportunity to wreck further havoc in your lives?.

He may be tired but this is not the underlying reason for him behaviours towards you. Do not make such excuses for him. He is controlling and abusive. Abuse and control go hand in hand. He's also using the children to get at you - again this is controlling behaviour and about power over you. I would think he has no respect for you whatsoever.

If you stay in this relationship you will just show your daughters that it is okay for Mummy to put up with this rubbish and take it on the chin. They will in all likelihood go on in their adult lives to choose controlling partners like the man you have now.

They are learning all about relationships from you both - he is setting them a poor example and you are doing them no favours by putting up with abusive behaviours. If he is as good a Dad as you say he can see his daughters under legally arranged supervised access.

For your sake and theirs make provision to leave him. Get your family and a good support network in place, you will get help.

kissalot Fri 01-Apr-05 16:47:45

Thanks you lot! When the kids are in bed I'm going to have a good talk with him. He should be fairly approachable as it is Friday. The thing is that on an evening when things are Ok I am v good at sweeping things under the carpet (a BIG prob of mine). We are in a bad way money wise at the mo and I know that has been making things a lot harder (its been getting me down too but not to his gloomy depths)

All you are saying is true though I don't think I'm yet at he stage to go away for a few days, not yet anyway.

Thanx xxxx

sobernow Fri 01-Apr-05 20:58:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dropinthe Fri 01-Apr-05 21:02:27

Depression & lack of money-two things a man finds really hard to cope with-He is probably feeling extremely inadequate-my hubby is earning about half the money he was this time last year and it is putting one big stain on us too-try to talk-he is probably trying to withdraw,hide,whatever he can to avoid confronting the issue! Good Luck!!

kissalot Fri 01-Apr-05 21:25:47

Hi! He's gone out!! Was all set to talk about all our issues with him but he's gone to the pub. Oh well at least I theres noone to argue with (and I've got control of the telly!) The kids are soundo and I've got a glass of wine and I'm trying to chill out for a couple of hours.

Tomorrow is another day so I'll see what happens - I really have GOT to stop sticking my head in the sand.

Thank you everyone and will try to update on Monday as he'll be hogging the PC all weekend.

Have a good one, all. xxx

sobernow Fri 01-Apr-05 21:27:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyDaddy Mon 04-Apr-05 17:20:33

My dw grew up with both of her parents arguing a lot of the time. Although she loves them both she resents them a LOT for it. Even thought it wasn't often in front of the kids, she could still hear it and the atmosphere was obvious. She and her siblings will never forget it and all resent them to an extent.

HappyDaddy Mon 04-Apr-05 17:21:32

The main reason I left my ex was because I was adamant that my older dd would not grow up listening to her parents argue all the time.

She still hates hearing her mum argue and is starting to resent her for it.

kissalot Tue 05-Apr-05 09:48:22

Is there only so much one person can take?? I can see us splitting up in the future yet I don't feel ready to do anything drastic. A couple of years ago I would be so thrilled and relieved when we would make up - but not anymore. Making up almost dosn't matter because I know another row is just around the corner. Maybe I have a limit though and I am nearing the end of it?? Or will someting just happen and I will think right thats it?

Confused at the mo - didn't discuss it at weekend but felt atmosphere. I tried to tell him that I feel things are uneasy between us but he said 'no I'm just tired' and wouldn't discuss it further. I feel like he dosn't really like me anymore (he says he loves me) But when he says this I don't know if I belive him anymore.

Oh well best get on with the housework YAWN

kissalot Tue 05-Apr-05 09:51:14

Happy Daddy - I know in my heart that this arguing IS going to affect my daughters in some way - but it never occured to me that they may resent me too for it in time to come. This is the biggest problem If it were just me and him then it wouldn't be half as bad. I just want the best for my girls and for them to be happy, but I'm not giving them the best am I?

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