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Is it time to call time on this friendship?

(39 Posts)
secretregular Fri 01-Apr-05 10:54:01

Sorry this might be long! I have had this particular friend in my life since I was 18, so 17 years now. We really go back a long way. I have been feeling for years now that I'm actually not sure I like her anymore, she's changed beyond all recognition. She used to be a really caring girl, very generous, very fair minded. Things started to go wrong when she had finished her degree and moved to London. She met a guy who I can only describe as a complete arse. She started to change and become more like him, really strident views about things, started turning into a bit of a snob, and our relationship started to change. When I got married I asked her to be my bridesmaid. She doesn't believe in marriage, tells all and sundry how demeaning it is to women etc so quite a strange choice of bridesmaid I agree! She was a terrible bridesmaid, barely did anything but show up. I organised my own hen do, she left the wedding early, I was left feeling she didn't even want to be there. I agree, its my own fault for asking her. We don't live in the same part of the country but I now live back in my home town after living away for many years. She comes back quite regularly so we see each other one weekend a month. I email her quite regularly. The problem is, I think its time to call time on this friendship. Being in contact with her is really depressing me as its like being constantly disappointed. She looks down at me because I'm a SAHM saying she couldn't possibly do that as she would find it so unstimulating, she never replies to my emails and the one's I get are one liners, no effort at all. She never rings, she never remembers mine or my kids birthdays despite me always sending her kids cards and presents. When I invite her and the vile partner round they never bring wine and just drink all ours but to top it all off she never even acknowledges the presents I buy her kids. She doesn't send thank you cards, doesn't even send an email saying thanks they liked it. Its come to a head as my husband has just gone into hospital and I sent her an email telling her. Despite it being quite serious I just got a one liner back. Just before he became ill I sent her child a birthday present with a card and some money in and its been a week now and she hasn't even acknowledged it despite the fact she forgot my childs birthday in january and has actually never remembered it. On top of her attitude about my husband I think well sod you then. I am sick of being disappointed in her. I am sick of making all the effort. I am sick of her justifying the fact she is a crap friend on the fact she works full time. We are all busy and she isn't running bloody Nasa, she works for her local council. She's not too busy, she's just rude and bad mannered. So, is it time to call time on this friendship !

mummytosteven Fri 01-Apr-05 10:56:20

Sounds like a yes to me, as it doesn't sound like you are getting any pleasure from seeing her/her family. What would happen if you waited for her to get back in touch again, and didn't make any effort to contact her? I'ld say do that, and wait and see what happens.

secretregular Fri 01-Apr-05 10:58:52

I've done this twice before as after my wedding I felt the same as I do now, and then after the birth of my first child. I ignored her and then she made a huge over the top effort which persuaded me to be more tolerant. We never address the fact she's a crap friend though, we just continue as if its all okay, and I'm loathe to do this again to be honest.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Apr-05 11:00:39

Drop her like a hot brick. And tell her exactly what you told this board if she asks. Then don't go back. Life is hard enough w/o black holes of negativity like this in it.

Caligula Fri 01-Apr-05 11:01:12

God I think you've said it all. Bin her!

wild Fri 01-Apr-05 11:01:52

sorry to hear about your husband SR

BubblesDeVere Fri 01-Apr-05 11:06:04

I agree with expat, i would break contact with her, it is hard, i have been there, i felt stressed out thinking about an ex friend and didn't enjoy our time together and felt nervous the whole time we were together. Its hard making that break, but, you will feel better for it and you will certainly make more new friends.

secretregular Fri 01-Apr-05 11:06:05

oh thanks for that. That is such an excellent phrase, "black hole of negativity"! That is how I feel totally. When I look at other friends in my life and how nice they are, I hate myself for clinging on to this friendship like a drowning rat. I do it because her sister died of cancer about 2 years ago so for a long time I justified her crapness on that, but the reality is she is just very bad mannered and rude and doesn't give a toss.

expatinscotland Fri 01-Apr-05 11:08:33

People like that are like fluff on your clothes. Roll them off and you look and feel much better.

secretregular Fri 01-Apr-05 11:10:37

bubbles - I think that's the key, I truly don't enjoy our time together and I spend it on edge in case I say something which she then gets frosty about. She has so many buttons which set off her annoyance, marriage, private schools, private health insurance, vegetarianism, church, she's just become a very prickly person. I don't think she's a bad person, we just have nothing but the fact we are both from the same place and have 2 kids in common. That's not enough is it, especially when I consider she looks down on where we used to live and thinks I'm an idiot for moving back and her kids are in full time nursery and have been since they were 3 months old and I'm a SAHM. Not a great deal in common!!! I actually like what I do but she can't understand how. Whereas I look at her and think how can you admit that you couldn't even handle one day at home with your own kids??

lou33 Fri 01-Apr-05 11:26:25

i don't see the point in choosing to have people in your life who bring you down and drain you. End the friendship, and if she wants to know why tell her the truth. It might make her reassess her behaviour in the future.

Donbean Fri 01-Apr-05 11:36:39

Yep, i agree. Bin her, it will be like a weight lifted trust me, ive done it myself.

secretregular Fri 01-Apr-05 13:06:09

do you think I should actually tell her that I don't want to continue being friends anymore, albeit in a nice way I don't want to have a screaming row, or should I just ignore her if she emails/phones me? Her modus operendi is usually to email me on a friday night that she is coming back for the weekend so can I meet up or sometimes she just calls. I could just ignore her but that feels a bit cowardly. What do you think?

Beetroot Fri 01-Apr-05 13:11:16

Message withdrawn

secretregular Fri 01-Apr-05 13:11:40

I also remembered that for her 30th birthday we all had to traipse to an island off the south coast of wales and camp out for a party. it cost me a small fortune which I just didn't have. the travel, the cost of staying on the island, the food, the present, cost me over £200 in total. I didn't even get a card off her for my 30th! She's not a horrible person but I think she has become a really selfish one. She sent me an email once with reference to her "walking the corridors of power", she works for her local blooody council!!! She's becoming so far up her own arse I don't recognise her anymore.

darlingbud Fri 01-Apr-05 13:13:46

I went through exactly the same thing with a friend of mine. I actually made all the effort even though she forgot birthdays etc. She was my bridesmaid but forgot to go to the practise. I eventually played her at her own game and didn't send cards, make phone cals or anything to see what I got back and unfortunatley I got nothing. It is now 7 years since I could call her my friend and when I do see her I have nothing to talk about just short pleasantries.

It may be that since you were 17/18 life has changed for both of you and you no longer have much in common.

jampots Fri 01-Apr-05 13:13:54

i wouldnt say "i dont want to be friends anymore" as it smacks of playground crap but i would discuss how the friendship makes you feel.

I had this with my friend last year and her mum came round to deliver some pressies and we had a chat then unbeknownst to me she went back and told her - I was really pissed with her for doing that but on the whole my friend has bucked up her attitude. Having just spent some time with her for the first time in over a year (she lives abroad) i have to say that I dont think she is completely happy - not that she said anything but you know when you just get a feeling? Maybe your friend isnt as happy as she thinks she should be too

Beetroot Fri 01-Apr-05 13:15:10

Message withdrawn

darlingbud Fri 01-Apr-05 13:16:05

very direct Beetroot - is that what you would do?

secretregular Fri 01-Apr-05 13:19:03

oh no I couldn't say that to her, I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily and I dont' want a huge row. I would only tell her at all because I don't want to be a coward. I think darlingbud is right, if I just freeze all contact that's probably for the best but if she does happen to contact me I'm going to ignore it, I really don't want to be friends anymore. If she pushes it I will have to tell her.

Beetroot Fri 01-Apr-05 13:23:47

Message withdrawn

ScummyMummy Fri 01-Apr-05 13:27:57

Just don't contact her. Doesn't sound like she'll contact you. Find some friends you like better and enjoy yourself.

docket Fri 01-Apr-05 13:33:11

I think you should tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. She might just be so caught up in herself she doesn't realise how selfish she's being. No excuse but I would give her the chance and then if she doesn't come up trumps bin her!

ScummyMummy Fri 01-Apr-05 13:39:04

I don't think she comes across as that selfish actually. Just sounds like you and she have totally different priorities and little in common and don't really like each otherenough to be a bit more forgiving of each other's choices.

Beetroot Fri 01-Apr-05 13:40:29

Message withdrawn

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