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He done it again, this time its worse

(59 Posts)
whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 10:08:13

Back in summer 2007 I found a sent text on his phone 'that sounds nice see you soon beautifull' sent to someone called Lee hmm I asked him about it he said it was a mistake just a girl who lived near where he worked and had been texted but NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. Ok we tried to get over it but had a nagging feeling i wasnt being told the full truth. A mutual friend told me that this girl had in fact given him a blow job in his car. He swore it didnt finish as he was so racked with guilt. He went away for 4 days and we decided to get over it and try to move on. Several great months followed. Feb this year..im pregnant with dc3 he says its ok we are happy and he loves me there is no choice. He stops sleeping with me in May this year tells me its because of work and stress(his business is struggling) I believe him. I check his phone-nothing. He plays a certain sport which means his out the house for hours at a time. October things are getting worse still no sex, ask him over and over if there is anyone else, if his had a one night stand and got some horrible std my god even if he was gay!(in a jokey way!) November our baby is born. Two weeks paternity leave are made hell for me. He goes to 'work' I cant get hold of him, he dont answer his phone, his work colleagues havent seen him he goes out every afternoon of paternity leave refuses to take eldest dc and comes back late at night. Im going mad crying shouting at him why is he doing this to me. He always sweet talked me round to his just busy etc etc. He has always liked a drink but the drinking increased to everyday and i would beg him to go a day without and he just couldnt do it. Xmas eve after 6weeks of him disappearing I asked him some more what was going on. He said he didnt know what he wanted anymore was questioning if we was right for each other. I didnt scream or shout but sat down with him and said he had to do what he thought was best no point staying for the kids if he isnt happy etc etc. We agree to make an effort over xmas. By boxing day he was so down in the dumps and had his head in his hands every 2 minutes and wasnt getting anywhere with his thinking. 30/12 big row, he calls me unstable and a freak and how can things every work with me the way I am. I ask him to go, he leaves. Phone call from a mutual friend-he had been seeing someone else. A 18yr old girl who works behind the bar at his sports club and its been going on since MAY!! I confront him he doesnt deny it. Since then its all got so complicated he is still not living at the marital home I am with the kids. He told me he told her he loves her, she may be pregnant, found out he has ANOTHER MOBILE PHONE!!He cant believe he has hurt her he knows he has hurt me but cant believe he has hurt her. He is still lying to me about stuff I know to be true he hasnt got rid of the other phone and is probally still talking to the girl. He is sorry but not exactly knocking my door down sorry. He only slept with ehr once. He been taking her to uni and so many people know about it I feel like the last to know. Her sister even phoned someone and told them the girl has met his parents shock He says he dont know what he wants and he doesnt know if she is pregnant. Shit hit the fan yesterday as I sent her very religious parents a letter telling them that she been sleeping with a married man. This girl knows me so she knew he was married with kids and a pregnant wife. He dont want me to contact him and most importnat thing 'is the kids' he wasnt thinking of them before was he!He reckons he needs counselling but as yet not done anything about it. I havent screamed or shouted at him and he finds that 'weird' he said im evil for sending the letter. He comes round to see the kids and suddenly starts doing housework and the babys bottles things he never done before. I feel like he playing me off against her. He came to see the kids sunday and even done his hair before he left although he swore he wasnt seeing her-like his word means anything. Ive asked him to be 100% honest but the lies still keep coming. It now all my fault apparently our marriage has been struggling for the past 4yrs, he keeps coming up with random times that I had the ump over something stupid. He has had a lot of freedom from me I think, more so then a lot of men but apparently even that is not good enough. I dont understand any of it and when I ask any questions about his relationship with the girl he says its irrelevant as the problems were already there. When I ask if he wants the relationship to coninue he just says 'how can it' not that he dont want it to. We will never get over this, but I just thought id share the story and see what replies I get!

SpongeBrainedHalfWit Tue 13-Jan-09 10:09:32

Please could you split into paragraphs ? It is so long that it is very difficult to read (and therefore help) in one big block.

smile

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 10:15:26

Back in summer 2007 I found a sent text on his phone 'that sounds nice see you soon beautifull' sent to someone called Lee I asked him about it he said it was a mistake just a girl who lived near where he worked and had been texted but NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. Ok we tried to get over it but had a nagging feeling i wasnt being told the full truth. A mutual friend told me that this girl had in fact given him a blow job in his car. He swore it didnt finish as he was so racked with guilt. He went away for 4 days and we decided to get over it and try to move on.

Several great months followed. Feb this year..im pregnant with dc3 he says its ok we are happy and he loves me there is no choice.

He stops sleeping with me in May this year tells me its because of work and stress(his business is struggling) I believe him. I check his phone-nothing. He plays a certain sport which means his out the house for hours at a time. October things are getting worse still no sex, ask him over and over if there is anyone else, if his had a one night stand and got some horrible std my god even if he was gay!(in a jokey way!) November our baby is born. Two weeks paternity leave are made hell for me. He goes to 'work' I cant get hold of him, he dont answer his phone, his work colleagues havent seen him he goes out every afternoon of paternity leave refuses to take eldest dc and comes back late at night. Im going mad crying shouting at him why is he doing this to me. He always sweet talked me round to his just busy etc etc. He has always liked a drink but the drinking increased to everyday and i would beg him to go a day without and he just couldnt do it.

Xmas eve after 6weeks of him disappearing I asked him some more what was going on. He said he didnt know what he wanted anymore was questioning if we was right for each other. I didnt scream or shout but sat down with him and said he had to do what he thought was best no point staying for the kids if he isnt happy etc etc. We agree to make an effort over xmas. By boxing day he was so down in the dumps and had his head in his hands every 2 minutes and wasnt getting anywhere with his thinking. 30/12 big row, he calls me unstable and a freak and how can things every work with me the way I am. I ask him to go, he leaves.

Phone call from a mutual friend-he had been seeing someone else. A 18yr old girl who works behind the bar at his sports club and its been going on since MAY!! I confront him he doesnt deny it. Since then its all got so complicated he is still not living at the marital home I am with the kids. He told me he told her he loves her, she may be pregnant, found out he has ANOTHER MOBILE PHONE!!He cant believe he has hurt her he knows he has hurt me but cant believe he has hurt her.

He is still lying to me about stuff I know to be true he hasnt got rid of the other phone and is probally still talking to the girl. He is sorry but not exactly knocking my door down sorry. He only slept with ehr once. He been taking her to uni and so many people know about it I feel like the last to know. Her sister even phoned someone and told them the girl has met his parents He says he dont know what he wants and he doesnt know if she is pregnant.

Shit hit the fan yesterday as I sent her very religious parents a letter telling them that she been sleeping with a married man. This girl knows me so she knew he was married with kids and a pregnant wife. He dont want me to contact him and most importnat thing 'is the kids' he wasnt thinking of them before was he!He reckons he needs counselling but as yet not done anything about it. I havent screamed or shouted at him and he finds that 'weird' he said im evil for sending the letter. He comes round to see the kids and suddenly starts doing housework and the babys bottles things he never done before.

I feel like he playing me off against her. He came to see the kids sunday and even done his hair before he left although he swore he wasnt seeing her-like his word means anything. Ive asked him to be 100% honest but the lies still keep coming. It now all my fault apparently our marriage has been struggling for the past 4yrs, he keeps coming up with random times that I had the ump over something stupid. He has had a lot of freedom from me I think, more so then a lot of men but apparently even that is not good enough. I dont understand any of it and when I ask any questions about his relationship with the girl he says its irrelevant as the problems were already there. When I ask if he wants the relationship to coninue he just says 'how can it' not that he dont want it to. We will never get over this, but I just thought id share the story and see what replies I get! (sorry had to re add it had no idea how to edit the 1st post!)

beanieb Tue 13-Jan-09 10:20:43

I think you are better off without him and if it were me I would start formalising the separation.

I think even though you seem to want him back (and perhaps that's why you sent the letter) it's probably not worth it as he clearly doesn't want to be in a monogomous relationship.

When you say he said "he calls me unstable and a freak and how can things every work with me the way I am" what does he mean by 'the way you are'?

You need to see a solicitor and see what your rights are.

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 10:22:59

I dont kno what he means, I just assume he trying to turn it round on me? So it seems to be my fault? He can be nasty at times.

moonincancer Tue 13-Jan-09 10:43:44

the way you are? trying to cope with the home, children and unfaithful lying husband? what an awful situation, none of it your fault.
yes, see what your rights are, wake up and smell the coffee.
start putting yourself and children first, he clearly does not.
if you need advice, keep posting, lots on here have got through this type of thing, and emerged stronger and happier.

ginnny Tue 13-Jan-09 11:12:50

I'm so sorry you are going through all this, with a new baby too.
One question - What do YOU want?
All through your post its all about him and what he wants.
My opinion is that he is a complete worm and you would be so much better off without him but its easy for me to say that.
Try and take care of you for a while and let him get on with it. When it happened to me the dc got me through it. I just focussed on them completely and after lots of crying and begging him to come back, I finally reached the end of my tether and let him go.
Looking back it was the best thing I ever did.

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 12:18:59

To be honest I really dont know. Ive spoken to him this morning and they are finding out today for definate if she is pregnant. He gonna let me know later-the whole thing just makes me feel sick.
Think that im owed some answers after we know for sure if she is or isnt.
My emotions are all over the place so I really dont know what I want, I know we will be better off without him but at times it doesnt seem that way.

ginnny Tue 13-Jan-09 12:53:03

I know. It is hard - your head says one thing but your heart disagrees.
You are owed some answers and if she is pg you have to face that she will never be out of his life, they will always have to have contact for the dc.
God these f*ing men - why can't they keeped it zipped up shock

JumpingDizzy Tue 13-Jan-09 13:00:27

sad sor very very sorry for you. No point saying don't ever take him back because you can only do that when you feel strong enough. He wants his cake and eat it by the sounds of it and will be trying to get back with you once the novelty of the young girl wears off.

Typical turning it against you angry

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 13:01:11

If she is pg then its DIVORCE!!shock

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 13-Jan-09 13:02:44

He sounds horrible. Useless, lazy, lying, cheating, mean, undermining, nasty. If his affair has been going on since May he has not only slept with her once. This is such a theme - they get caught out and lie, lie lie to make it seem 'less', it was nothing, one kiss, i slept over but didn't have sex, only sex once...blah blah blah.

He doesn't respect you. No man that cheats, then lies and tried to make his partner feel it was her fault has respect for his partner. You cannot have a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. That's the bottom line - if you take him back he will do it again because he doesn't respect you enough not to.

JodieO Tue 13-Jan-09 13:04:31

All those lies and the amount of time it was over would be the nail in the coffin for me. I wouldn't forgive him for that and I'd tell him to leave.

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 13:09:34

I was told may which ties in with the no sex thing but he and his mother swear it was end of october. The mil even said 'it only started end of october' as if that makes it right erm I was heavily pregnant then and its worse!!
I dont believe it was only once either, when i said she may be pg he said its nothing to do with me now all of a sudden it is! Still no news on that front YET!
Its hard as im hearing it through a 3rd party but the 3rd party has no reason to lie or cause trouble and the hubby does.

Joolyjoolyjoo Tue 13-Jan-09 13:17:56

If this was my DH, I am sorry to say I would not be able to look at his lying, selfish mug. I would want him out of my life (in actual fact I would probably want to exterminate him from the face of the earth)

I do know people can rebuild marriages after an affair, but I don't think I could forgive this amount of deceit sad I think the resentment would never go away, for me. Only you know what is best for you, but I think I would be gift-wrapping him and sending him first class to his silly 18 yo lover, then moving on with my own life. I really wish you all the best

JumpingDizzy Tue 13-Jan-09 13:23:07

Can't believe his mother! shock Although maybe she's desperate for him to come back to you? What a mess.
You won't be thinking straight right now so be careful of your decisions. I really am so angry for you and sad too. take care x

newgirl Tue 13-Jan-09 13:26:31

I'm sorry you are going through this - its not of your choosing - if it were me i think id be thinking of a fresh start, making life stable for me and the children and maybe looking to the future with a new partner

good luck x

blinks Tue 13-Jan-09 13:30:37

you have had a lucky escape.

does it really matter when, where and how? he's cheated on you at least twice, he doesn't want to be with you and he's not even been straight with you.

that's surely not someone you would want as a life partner.

just be a good mum and take the high road. don't let him see it getting to you.

he'll get his <karma>

ginnny Tue 13-Jan-09 13:44:34

Blinks is right.
What goes around comes around. He will get what he deserves.
My ex left me when I was pg with ds2. The OW seemed more exciting than me, fat pregnant and knackered at home.
He stayed with her and she made the next 5 years of his life a misery. She turned out to be a total bitch.
So... he did the dirty on her too and has now moved on to his next victim.
By which time I have moved on, got a nice house, good job, 2 beautiful sons and am a lot happier than I ever was with him.

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 16:12:29

I know you are all right. The more time I have to think over all the shit he putting us through and still lying through his teeth about the more I dont want him back. I know its not going to be easy and STILL waiting on this pregnancy thing..how long does it take to pee on a stick?!
The whole baby thing doesnt add up as its been left till now when she is 5weeks late before anything is being done about it?! I dontk now why he didnt just get her a test then!But then I dont know who the hell he is anymore.
Thanks for all your answers and support. My friends and family are all saying the exact same things but sometimes its good to here it from others who have been in the same situation as no matter how much my friends and family tell me the same things it doesnt seem to be sinking in!
My mum is an avid mumsnet fan and reads all the threads(hello mum!!) and told me to put my story on to see what others in the same situation had to say. I cant believe how many stories that are so similar to mine I have come accross on here!!Il update im sure as we seem to have more developments as each day progresses!

Northernlurker Tue 13-Jan-09 16:33:11

So he's repeatedly deceived you, had intercourse with another woman, had at least half a blow job (!) from yet another woman, is a heavy drinnker and (one assumes) has a mobile bill the size of the National Debt? You don't need this crap - whether the other woman is pregnant or not I think you need a lot of time apart and if you can rebuild things you need to start from the beginning and establish trust and loving respect. Not sure from what you've said if he would be capable of that - but that's what you deserve so stay strong.

newgirl Tue 13-Jan-09 16:37:55

your mum sounds cool - trust your family and friends - they want you to be happy - and they sound supportive - you can move on to new things - happiness is out there you know!

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 17:03:48

The ow(well she is a girl really!) isnt pregnant. He is finally gonna be truthfull with me..but not on the phone and not tonight. He says he gonna come round tommorow and tell me the truth as 'he owes me that' I would have thought 10yrs together and 3 kids deserved that long ago but no tommorow it will be.
Why cant he just do it tonight?! Now im gonna be stewing all night!!
Dont know about the phonebill northernlurker as he has bought a secret phone apparently is a pay as you go(i tricked him into admiting it by telling him i found it!)but still we dont have the money for top up! At least I know the sort of person he is now although he seems a stranger to me.
PS:newgirl, my mum is cool wink aint ya mum?!

Northernlurker Tue 13-Jan-09 17:14:10

He owes you the truth?? hmm Bit of a shame he didn't start thinking about what you were owed before he was rude and unpleasant and unfaithful isn't it?

whatdoyouallthink Tue 13-Jan-09 17:22:26

Northernlurker I know. Its like his 'all that matters is the kids' attitude erm why wasnt you think of them and our days old baby while you was sneeking off to meet some young girl!I dont think il every understand men and their all about me attitude!

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