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am i overreacting, please help!

(67 Posts)
fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 19:50:58

Please can someone tell me if I am over reacting or give me some advice? Sorry its so long.

DP is friends with a girl he works with – she is always texting and ringing him (and he probably does the same back) which I am not very comfortable with, and he knows that. He says its purely platonic and she is a good friend. He sees her more than me as he works long hours and so I don’t really think its necessary for him to spend 60-70 hours a week working with her and his days off constantly speaking to her.

Anyway, she is leaving their work, and her last day is today. He let slip by accident this morning that he bought her a necklace as a leaving present a few days ago but went behind my back in doing so by hiding it from me. He is not very good at buying presents and I always have to chose my own presents as he says he cant pick anything for me – yet he has gone out, and bought a “friend” a piece of jewellery, which I think is a very personal gift to buy a friend, and not really an approriate present to buy a girl, especially when you have a girlfriend.

We have been together 4 years tomorrow, and usually buy each other a present – the other day he suggested we leave presents this year as we are too skint – yet he has gone out and bought this girl a necklace.

He has also spent most of this morning going out of his way to drive to work to get staff phone numbers to ring around and try to organise a preent for her from everyone else as well, which he will also be contributing towards.

He is justifying it by saying she is a special friend and he wanted to get hre seomthing special. He doesn’t think its inappropriate to buy her jewellery, and for that he is not sorry, but he is sorry for upsetting me as he didn’t mean to upset me and he is sorry for going behind my back about it but he knew I would “overreact” and be angry which is why he thought it best not to tell me.

He has sworn on DD’s life that nothing has ever happened between them and that he doesn’t like her in that way. I believe him on that, but I just feel so decieved – am I being stupid? I cant get it out of my head, and I want to forget about it, but I feel like he has cheated on me in some way by doing this – I mean I just don’t hink its normal to buy a piece of jewellery for someone unless its your girlfriend, and it seems as though he has put a lot of thought and effort into it, which is really unlike him!

We have been having a lot of arguments lately, since dd was born (7 months) and neither of us have been very happy – I don’t know what to do about this, and had suggested to him that maybe we wrote down what is bothering us and discussed each others problems, but he said that was ridiculous and walked away – he says he wants us to sort things out, but laughs when I suggest a way to, and then goes out of his way to please anothr girl? What is going on and what can I do?! We had a whole day out together planned tomorrow and a nice meal out, I was really looking forward to us trying to put our problems behind us and start afresh for another year.

I am so upset, I cant think straight.

Sorry this is so long!!

tiredemma Thu 31-Mar-05 19:59:14

absolutley not, id be OUTRAGED if dp acted this way.
why be so secretive about it, and why suggest not buying each other pressies but get her one?

i can understand why you are so upset.

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:02:58

thank you - i just cant understand it. i feel sick to the stomache thinking about it, i am also worried as dd is getting christened on saturday, and i am no good at pretending to be happy when i am not and i dont want my family to see me like this.

if she is sucha special friend, why hasnt he invited her to the christengin either?!

kelli22 Thu 31-Mar-05 20:06:07

Awwww hun i dont think your over reacting - if he has bought you a special present and put loads of thought into your special day together etc and he was just that kind of person then i would say thats just the way he is so dont worry at least he makes you feel special and he just likes making others happy too but to go to all this effort for her and then not give anything to you is wrong IMO.
sorry i'm trying to make you feel better and if someone said that to me it would make me even worse but i've got to be honest with you, theres no point in lying to yourself about it, you have been having a rough time as all couples do when a baby comes into it - no longer can you only think of yourselves you have to think about every action and decision so its bound to put pressure on you both.
i think your idea about writing things down and talking is a very good start. communication is the key to any relationship, so is respect and trust which i can see you don't feel he has respect for you or he wouldnt have hidden it - the fact he hid it shows he knows its wrong to do this for someone other than your girlfriend, (more importantly mother of his child)
and you can't really trust him because he has hidden things from you.
i really think that you need to ask him why he bought something for this girl and hasn't got you anything for your anniversary that should be special to both of you.
He lives with you and you have a child together you deserve a gift more than some girl he works with and i don't blame you for demanding it. if it was me he'd be taking the necklace back and using the money to buy something very very special for me - its not about the gift or money its about the principal. my dp and i never spend money without asking the other 1st unless it is for trivial things we certainly wouldn't buy something for someone else without seeing if we could actually afford it.

i hope you get this sorted out. if he doesnt want to talk he's not actually worth it in the 1st place.
take care hun

kelli22 Thu 31-Mar-05 20:08:32

i wouldnt want my dp to invite her if i was you. i wouldnt want this girl anywhere near my child's special day after (not down to her) but after your dp has acted this way towards her, could you really see yourself having a nice friendly chat with her.
Its a special day when you should have close people around that love you as a family

LGJ Thu 31-Mar-05 20:10:41

Go out and max his credit card.

Caligula Thu 31-Mar-05 20:10:54

You are so not overreating. I'd be absolutely bloody livid tbh. You've just had a baby and he's paying a whole load of attention to another woman, whose life you have no part of?

Alarm bells would ring very very loudly for me. He has a 7 month old baby who he should be spending time with along with her mother, and he should be concentrating on keeping her mother happy.

Don't really know what to suggest, but you are not being unreasonable here.

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:13:27

thanks kelli2 - i would of demanded he take it back, but he gave it to her last night!

she is no way coming to the christengin now! i have said all along that she was welcome to come and he kept saying "oh, i dont know if i will invite her or not" as if she was justa colleague not a "special friend" as he described her before. infact only 5 mins before i found out about this stupid neckalce i said why doenst he invite her - as although i dont really like the fact he sees so much of her i didnt actaully have antyhing against her til now.

mummytosteven Thu 31-Mar-05 20:16:13

agree with Caligula. even if nothing is going on between them this sort of closeness is a kind of emotional infidelity IMHO. not getting you a pressie when he is getting this girl a pressie is at best crass and thoughtless and at worst downright cruel.

Relationships can go quite tits up in the first 12 months after a baby - to use a sweeping stereotype, from the mum's point of view their life is devoted to the baby, and they feel phyiscally depleted from the birth and emotionally knackered from the constant responsibility, from the dads point of view they go out to their job as they did beforehand and don't see why that isn't enough.

could your partner help out more/give you more free time to allow you to get a bit more of your pre-baby life back?

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:16:13

how can i forget thought about it? your all right im not overreacting am i, but i reckon ive got 2 options, i either be bothered by it forever (which no doubt i will be) or i try to put it behind us and move on. I truely believ he hasnt done anything with her - he is to be honest a bit dense somtimes, however he still knew what he was doing i suppose.
I just dont know how i can move on from it, i am not one to forget, and i always hold grudges!!

mummytosteven Thu 31-Mar-05 20:17:17

i think he has to prove to you that he cares about you, has a high opinion of you - i.e. an effort at regaining your trust, wining/dining/romancing you

emmatmg Thu 31-Mar-05 20:17:48

I would be livid if Dh did that.

Dior Thu 31-Mar-05 20:17:55

Message withdrawn

tiredemma Thu 31-Mar-05 20:18:09

get his card off him tomorrow and tell him your going out to buy yourself something special.......leaving the baby with him.

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:20:05

mummytosteven - i have just started working again, and things have got worse since then - i thought they would get better as i wouldnt be under his feet all day and if we saw less of each other we would get on better - but basically, i start work at 4am - 11am, then he leaves for work at 3pm - 1am so when i get in im knackered and wnat to go to sleep - but then he is knacked because he has got up with dd at 6am after getting in from work so late - so we argue over who gets some sleep before the other goes to work, and i get annyed that he has done no housework or anything etc......basically we argue over everytihng - but there is just no time to do anything as we both work at sep times.

i feel like there is too much pressure on the 1 day a week we get off together to do something (pressure mainly from me) and we end up having a crap day because of arguing!

Dahlia Thu 31-Mar-05 20:24:26

You are definitely not over-reacting, and I really feel for you. He has behaved extremely inappropriately, and even if there is nothing going on with her, he is still very much out of order. Its hard to comment seeing as I don't know your dp, but if it was me I would want to sort it out (if possible) before the christening, because that is such a big day and you want to be able to enjoy it and not be fretting and upset. Would he listen if you said you want to sit down and discuss it and explain how it has made you feel?

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:24:51

dior - thats what i was thinking, that maybe he does ike her and if it wasnt for me and dd, he would be with her, but maybe he feels trapped with us and that makes me feel shit.

you can be as crass as you like - its only me! (how many points in that wine?)

tiredemma - i wish - we have no creditcards or antying, and we really ARE skint, which is why i cant see why it was even necessary for him to justify spending money on that harlett! (shouldnt be mean, i suppose she not done anything wrong has she!)

mummytosteven - thats what i think about him trying to make it up to me, but before wehn we were arguing, he said he wished i would stop crying and trying o make him feel guilty as he hasnt done anything wrong, so i dont reckon he will go out of his way to make it up to me. he just thinks that i overreact sometimes for attention, we have had an argument about that ebfore!

god its not good is it?!!

kelli22 Thu 31-Mar-05 20:25:54

doesnt sound like either of you are getting the sleep or chill out time you deserve it would be bad enough working those hours even if you didnt have a baby to consider give your selves a break and get a baby sitter one night a week so you can have some time away from it all

mummytosteven Thu 31-Mar-05 20:26:20

anyway that one of you could change your hours as it does sound frazzling for both of you. if neither of you are getting a decent night's sleep (doesn't sound like your partner is from what you've said) then that's not going to show either of you at your best - I know when I'm sleep deprived for weeks at a time, I've been quite hideously obssessed with sleep/resentful for any delay resulting in me losing sleep

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:26:51

dahlia - he doesnt do sitting down and talking. he bottles things up, aand i am the complete opposite. i have tried to talk to him but he wont listen to me or he just doesnt say antying back when i have had my say.

he has juist rung me from work to see if i am ok, how caring of him, not! i could hear her in the background, i wonder if he has told her. i doubt it though as he isnt like that, but i coulndt bear the thought of them laughing at the silly jealous girlfriend

Flossam Thu 31-Mar-05 20:27:12

He is well out of order. If my DP did that I don't think he'd dare come home again(not a good thing really!). That isn't on. If money is so tight IMO he should of brought you both smaller presents at the least. I would tel him that you have spoken to others and they also feel that he is treating you badly. I bet he'd be mortified if he realised he'd messed up so badly. I'm glad you are so sure he has been faithful, you point out he is a bit dense, perhaps he hasn't thought it through. Not a reason for him not to be in trouble though!

I can remember when DP was moving away up to London to live in Hendon whilest doing his police training. A girl he worked with was also moving up to start at the same time, she kept ringing and texting, silly I know but it really upset me. Made me even worse when a mutual friend who also worked with them kept telling me how stunning she was and how she'd just split with her boyfriend so she could live the single life! Dp only ever bumped into her a couple of times, so I needn't of worried. I understand how you are feeling, hope you can move on - I reckon the best way to do that would be a very expensive pressie from one rather sheepish but loving DP!

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:29:06

i feel like if we went out one night a week we would have nothing to talk about. we cant really change the hours as he is a restaurant manager and those hours come with the job - and i work at the airport. we really cant afford childcare and dont really want to have childcre either, so we gotta do it this way.

is it completely normal not to get on at all after a baby, and does it get bettr?

fairycakes Thu 31-Mar-05 20:31:33

i wish i could tell him i have spoken to others about it, but that would only make matters worse as he would go mad, and i dont want us to fall out even more, but he does need to see that i am not being ridiculous.

thank you for replying eveyine, you have all made me feel better that i am not being stupid

kelli22 Thu 31-Mar-05 20:32:17

Just asked my other half what he thinks from a blokes point of view and he says its blantantly out of order and he shouldnt have done it in the 1st place. (just for a different view) as all us women are known for over reacting and being jelous - ask ur dp how he would feel if the situation was reversed......bet he soon changes his tune

kelli22 Thu 31-Mar-05 20:34:52

i shouldnt comment on the "is it normal bit" as i didnt stay with my dd's dad (waste of space) but i should think so, im pregnant with my 2nd baby and the baby hasnt arrived yet and it has put abit of pressure on us at times so i do think it must be normal.

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