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Devastated

(33 Posts)
neva Sun 11-Jan-09 08:17:21

Couple of months back met a wonderful man; first I have been interested in since ending a very difficult relationship four years ago. We had lots in common and had six wonderful evenings/nights together. He emailed/texted several times per week. I fell in love. Yesterday he struck the blow; he met his ex-girlfriend by chance; she's decided she made a mistake leaving him and they have decided to re-unite.

I don't really blame him. She's 10 years younger than me, has no children, no complications.

I expected he would just want to stop seeing me; however, he told me he wants us to keep in touch; wants to go on walks, to the cinema. At this moment I want that too, as the thought of never seeing him again is pretty unbearable.

Although I had thought I was happy being single, meeting him has made me realise how much I would like to have a relationship. But I can't imagine meeting anyone to compare with him.

Can anyone help me to to feel better about this situation please? sad

I don't think it is a good idea to go on seeing him, even on a platonic basis, you are just going to keep hankering after something you can't have, not to menyion the fact the it sounds like he is just trying to keep his options open, very unfair imo.

If being with him has made you feel ready for a relationship, then you need to get back out there and find yourself someone who deserves you.

HelenBurns Sun 11-Jan-09 08:24:46

Oh gosh you poor thing sad

It sounds as though he is either trying to soften the blow or have his cake, as it were.

I don't know - but I think in a situation such as this I'd find myself getting very frustrated and very angry as my feelings were continually suppressed in order to maintain a 'friendship'.

He must understand that seeing him is going to hurt you a lot, if you can't have him to yourself.

I think it would be a mark of your self esteem if you said, 'No, thankyou but it can't possibly be just a friendship whilst I have strong feelings for you. Please get in touch if you decide you don't want to be with her after all'.

It's early days and he might just be unsure, if he doesn't know you that well yet.

People can do cruel things - I am really sorry for you x

HelenBurns Sun 11-Jan-09 08:26:03

Men often will try and placate the person they're leaving by saying 'it's Ok, we can still be friends' as it makes you less likely to cry/get angry.

So if you just say no, thankyou, and move on (I know - terribly painful) I think it will be the best thing.

neva Sun 11-Jan-09 08:48:37

Thanks, all. However, I don't think I will be able to say no if he does suggest meeting. Hoping you might be right HelenBurns and that maybe he is feeling unsure. His former girlfriend left him before; clearly there were problems there(clutching at straws here, I know!)

HelenBurns Sun 11-Jan-09 08:51:11

Oh it's a horrible place to be if you really are attached to someone.

I hope he is just feeling unsure and decided you are nicer smile

Fwiw a boyfriend I had when I was 18 went to meet his ex briefly when we were just getting together.
I think he was hesitant and didn't know which of us he was 'supposed' to date! We were together about 3 years in the end, he really did love me (more than anyone has done since) so don't give up hope just yet!

HelenBurns Sun 11-Jan-09 08:51:27

decides, sorry!

OptimistS Sun 11-Jan-09 09:01:34

Oh neva, I'm so sorry you're hurting. sad

I agree with HelenBurns idea about how to respond. You never know, it may work out for you. Hope so. smile

If it doesn't, remember that (and this sounds like a rather empty platitude, I know) it really will get better with time. Your relationship with this man was relatively short-lived, you didn't live together, and you have a fairly short period of shared memories, etc. It will hurt like hell for a while, but it will pass. I know that's no consolation for you right now, but you just have to hang on to that thought.

It sounds like you're rather lonely and that your self-esteem is at a real low following this, which is very understandable. I read somewhere that rejection is one of the hardest human emotions to deal with. Once you've given yourself enough time to grieve over this, I'd recommend getting out there and really trying to build your social life. This man isn't the only possible man for you. There will be others. Remind yourself that you're worthy of this. Building your social life will improve your self esteem and reduce your loneliness. These things will mean that if you do meet someone else, you'll be in the right position to start a relationship that hopefully has a good long-term future.

Hope the horrible, painful period passes quite quickly for you and that you feel better soon. smile

neva Sun 11-Jan-09 09:08:19

Thanks Helen. He said several times - face to face and by text - that he wants us to meet again. I put him under no pressure to say that (other than my general sadness, I suppose). He was also quite specific in saying that he wants to lend me a DVD and he pointed out that that would give us another excuse to meet again when I have to give it back to him! If he just wanted to soften the blow, surely he didn't have to go that far. I hope.

neva Sun 11-Jan-09 09:12:40

Oh yes, and he also suggested that I might join him on a walk today (couldn't make it as it happened and would have been in no fit state anyway due to lack of sleep).

BecauseImWorthIt Sun 11-Jan-09 09:56:52

Leave well alone. He may be wonderful, but if so, why is he doing this to you when he knows how you feel? And what do you think his ex--but-now girlfriend would feel about him seeing you?

Let them get on with it and see if their renewed relationship works. If it doesn't, then he will be free to start to see you again.

Sounds like the only and inevitable conclusion is heartbreak for you if you continue.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 11-Jan-09 10:10:59

i've been there - had an ex who genuinely loved my company but didn't want a relationship with me. we inhabited a no-man's-land for a while, with me (secretly) in love with him and him not, until he went on a blind date which broke my heart. 2 months later he met the love of his life and broke my heart again. tried to maintain the 'friendship' for a while but i was jealous and he couldn't deal with it. at some point in their first year he and i got drunk and had sex (grass is greener i suppose) which was an awful thing to do. in the end she got pregnant which was a writing on wall moment for me and my feelings went over time.

basically i just prolonged the pain for far too long and never got what i wanted.

neva Sun 11-Jan-09 11:12:28

Thanks optimistS. Actually at the point I met him I had made(for me) great strides in building up a social life and various interests. I was generally very happy and not really lonely. As a result, I met this lovely man. Fully intend getting out there again.

Kat, thanks for the warning. I don't think there is any easy way sad

gagarin Sun 11-Jan-09 11:16:00

Sorry to be cynical - but I wouldn't be convinced he had ever really broken up with the ex-girlfriend. Could be you are his infidelity.

neva Sun 11-Jan-09 11:24:44

Gagarin, I want to believe what he told me, but agree that there are other possibilities...

brazenhussy Sun 11-Jan-09 11:25:48

gagarin - those were my thoughts exactly but your post beat me to it.

I have first hand experience of this, difference being ex girlfriend was actually the wife! shock

LoveBeingAMummy Sun 11-Jan-09 11:29:16

Sorry but going to echo the other posts, its not a good idea. Whether its because he has been with her the whole time and trying to let you down gently, having his cake and eat it or just hedging his bets, none of it is good for you.

brazenhussy Sun 11-Jan-09 11:35:32

neva - having tried to be 'friends' with an ex who I was totally and utterly in love with just because I couldn't face the future without him; I would beg urge you not to do it. You are only prolonging the pain and making the heartache more bearable for the short term.

You need to let him go and decide what he really wants but making sure that he is aware that you will welcome him back with open arms (if you are still available wink) if and when he decides that is what he wants.

My ex and I are still in phone/text contact but he hasn't replied to my daily texts since Monday and last night I cried for hours; then this morning he texted me and all is right with the world for me now. Don't be in this position, it's not a good place to be sad

warthog Sun 11-Jan-09 12:11:03

make a clean break because otherwise your heart will be broken over and over. don't put yourself through that. have a mourning period, and get right back out there. there ARE other nice men.

HecateQueenOfGhosts Sun 11-Jan-09 12:14:11

Can I be honest - it sounds like he wants to keep you around as 'Plan B'. Keep it nice with you in case things don't work out with first choice. I may be wrong, but he wants a relationship with her (and it's good he's been honest with you about that) but he wants to keep, well, sort of 'dating' you - cinema, walks?? He knows how you feel about him - how are you going to move on if he is still in your life like that? I think he wants to keep you in reserve and I think you deserve more than to be his fall-back.

aseriouslyblondemoment Sun 11-Jan-09 13:04:46

neva
so sorry to hear your news
i would probably go with your initial reaction of wanting to still see him too(as had the same thoughts over an ex)
but i think it will cause you alot more pain in the long term
whether he actually means to or not he is keeping you as a plan b
you deserve better than this
and if being with him has made you realise that you want to be in a relationship then go out there and meet somebody else

snoopyatemyblanky Sun 11-Jan-09 13:05:15

Poor you, hmm, or maybe not. I mean, I don't know the guy. At the end of the day, he's been ditched by her once before, so maybe she'll bin him again, maybe he said he had met someone lovely (you) and she sort of grabbed him in a kneejerk reaction a la: last pair of shoes on sale though not really my size... Who knows.

Have been there and can honestly say (like all the above posters): STAY AWAY. Cake/eating/wanting it all and security blanket springs to mind. So he'll keep you luke warm, emotionally bound to him so you can't date while he finds out if things with his ex are better this time 'round. If they are for real she will apply pressure to him to bin you. If you meet a new guy he'll smell there's another love prospect and leave you well alone. Don't do it!!

Say: that's good for you & don't cry but go and show him what a hot piece you are and how you are not fazed. It'll make him wonder.

You know hun, sometimes people come into our life just to show us something, to open a door. Maybe he came to show you you're ready for a relationship. You never know what's round the corner. If that guy can just leave you behind in the honeymoon phase I doubt he'll stick round for the tough stuff.

Chin up girl!

neva Sun 11-Jan-09 15:06:33

Really moved by all the support from you girlssmile Still have a certain amount of moping to do, but will be making plans to get out next weekend. Brazenhussy, sorry you are in similar position. Hope things work out for you.

frumpygrumpy Sun 11-Jan-09 15:18:34

neva, you are hoping that you & he might turn out to be something fab. And if that is what he wants too, it is only going to clarify that feeling by having distance.

You hold the upper hand here. Hold strong.

I'd make it clear that you would love to keep seeing him but that it is much, much too complicated a situation and that you would like him to take the time to mend things with his ex rather than complicate his life. He will respond by saying that its not complicated for him and that he can manage it. And you can then tell him that you would not have much self-respect to take second best.

You deserve first place, esp after ending the difficult previous relationship. You have worked yourself up to a great position for you so don't let him pull you down.

It has been wonderful. And you must leave while the taste is sweet.

His ex is an ex for a reason..... and it maybe that it won't work for them this time round either. But you shouldn't allow yourself to be mixed up in it.

I hope it does work out for you, but remember, it can only work out well if you show your new found strengths. xxxxx Keep us posted, I'm hooked grin [noseycow] grin

Hadassah Sun 11-Jan-09 15:24:03

Also on the cut your losses and run side. You will feel better eventually.

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