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screwed up majorly!! need advice!!!

(42 Posts)
jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 17:48:09

I just told my husband that I cheated on him 6 months ago. The guy was his best friend, Josh, and also happened to be his cousin. We had sex twice and then that was it. The guilt from it has been eating me up since then and finally I had to tell him. His best friend just told his wife yesterday and she didn't take it too well, as I expected. Josh's parents and sisters spent all day yesterday speculating about what happened and putting all the blame on me. I accept my part of the blame for what happened. But they act like he did nothing wrong in this situation. We are both to blame for this situation, but it is none of their business. They aren't entitled to all the details of what happened. Does anyone have advice on how to handle this?

aseriouslyblondemoment Thu 08-Jan-09 17:54:06

i haven't any advice as such but only to offer support
what made you both confess?
i guess i'm just curious as nearly went down this route when married

abedelia Thu 08-Jan-09 18:10:50

Is he accepting the blame as well, or just letting them get on with hammering you for it?

Lulumama Thu 08-Jan-09 18:13:26

what did you hope to achieve by telling him?

what made you cheat>?

you are both culpable and you need to take it o on the chin and work on making things right with your DH

if you want to

nasty to cheat and even nastier to do it with his best friend who is also a relation

and the best friend is as horrible too

it is their business, actually, you have made it their business as they are a family

ever heard the phrase 'don't sh*t on your own doorstep'

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 18:18:57

the guilt was eating me up too much to live with it. he only confessed because I did.

he tried to commit suicide last night. that's how he told her, in a suicide note. So they all kinda feel sorry for him, and they're just hammering me. He didn't even tell his wife everything. He told her it happened only once, not twice.

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 18:24:34

lulumama: I just wanted to be honest with him. My husband and I weren't in love anymore and I know that doesn't make it okay. I'm trying my best to take it on the chin and my husband and I are working things out. I wish I could take it back, I know I can't, but I wish I could. I know I screwed up. When I said it wasn't their business I meant that it wasn't their business to make up things that didn't happen or to draw their own conclusions without talking to either one of us and finding out what really happened. They all think I'm a whore, which I deserve, and I gotta live with that. But not only are they putting my part of the blame on me, but they're putting his part on me too.

Lulumama Thu 08-Jan-09 18:29:11

well, it sounds like a messy and horrible set o f circumstances.

all you can do is apologise, and try to sort things with your DH

you don;t have to discuss it with his family, but if he has attempted suicide, you ar going to have to take some flak, rightly or wrongly

although clrealy you are both in the wrongh

CountessDracula Thu 08-Jan-09 18:33:17

Attempted suicide how?
That sounds to me like him trying to get out of his responsibilites with an aggressive act tbh. He is equally to blame as you say but he prob feels that he can't bear to be blamed so instead feigns suicide.

bleh Thu 08-Jan-09 18:33:20

That could be an initial, natural reaction, as he's family and you are not. They probably don't want to think badly of him (who would want to think that their son would cheat with their nephew/cousin's wife?), especially considering the way he broke it to his wife. It may be the hardest thing in the world to do, but give it time and try to act with as much dignity as you can muster.

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 18:46:13

he got a gun and went to the city park,. while drunk. i honestly don't think he would have actually killed himself. it seems like he was just trying to make everyone feel sorry for him, so they wouldn't be as angry at him.

i'm trying to handle all of their comments as best as I can. I understand they're all shocked, they just found out yesterday, it just kind of gets difficult when they say that the only reason I told was to start crap with their family. they even said that him trying to commit suicide was my fault. that i don't see. i'm going through the same thing he is and i never once thought about killing myself.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain Thu 08-Jan-09 18:50:38

BLimey, what a wanker, at least you are well shot of him. While you will have to accept that your husband wants to discuss what happened and the two of you will have to talk through what happens about your marriage, WRT your other man's family, try to minimize contact with them. OM probably has a track record for selfish melodrama and knobbery anyway, and people who know you will not hold a mistake against you forever.

OptimistS Thu 08-Jan-09 18:54:02

Nasty situation, and one that is probably going to take some time to get better. But it will get better; you're just going to have to ride it out until it does.

What's happened has happened, and judging isn't going to sort things out for the future, it will only create a hangover of bitterness about the past. The most important thing you have to do, is wait for your husband to forgive you. He may say he does already, which is great if he does, but it will take time before he is capable of really meaning that. Until he reaches that stage, all you can do is wait for him and keep demonstrating that you really are sorry. Are you going to counselling? In some relationships it can be the partner who didn't cheat that ends up destroying the marriage through their behaviour towards the other because they simply cannot get past the affair. Hopefully your husband isn't one of these, but if he is, get to Relate. It may also help with your own guilt, which could also destroy the marriage unless you learn to forgive yourself.

In this case, actions speak louder than words. Showing remorse, apologising to everyone, then moving on and continuing your life with quiet dignity and integrity will speak volumes. You never know, you could become one of these couples that his family speak about in future years saying things like, "Well ever since jannasmama had that affair, they really worked on their relationship and they're now stronger than ever. In some ways it was the best thing that could have ever happened."

No one, including your husband, is entitled to beat you around the head for the rest of your life because of this affair. Yes it was wrong and it has hurt people, but you made a mistake. A large one, admittedly, but few people can go through life saying they haven't messed up at some point. A bad mistake can never be undone but it can be mitigated a LOT by genuine remorse and a sincere effort to make things better. You're going to get flak off your husband's family to begin with, and it would be wiser to take it and keep apologising for now, but there will come a point when enough is enough. When you reach that point, you are entitled to tell them to keep their opinions to themselves (as diplomatically as possible, if you don't want to alienate them forever). Ultimately, it's your husband's opinion that matters most. If he's forgiven you the family will hopefully get back to treating you normally for his sake.

I have to say that my take on your husband's best friend is the same as CountessDracula. I am highly suspicious. But whether he is genuinely devastated at what he's done, or manipulating everyone to avoid the flak, is immaterial. All you can do is control your own actions and worry about your own marriage. If he's pulling a fast one, he'll expose himself at some point.

Do you know why you had the affair? In my experience, people who have affairs tend to fall into two categories: Those who want their cake and to be able to eat it, and those whose marriage is missing something and they unwisely seek it elsewhere. You sound like the latter rather than a coldhearted serial adulteress. Have you thought about this? If you're really going to get past this affair, I think it's something you need to discuss with your husband, though I wouldn't do it immediately as he might take it as you trying to shift blame. Again, Relate may help with this.

You're human, you messed up, you're genuinely sorry and you're obviously trying hard to fix things. I hope it works out for you. smile

Alipop Thu 08-Jan-09 18:57:49

Well for whats its worth, i dont believe in cheating but your human, these things happen, we ALL make mistakes and we all have to deal with it. Suicide is the most cowardly thing to do and he has shown his true colours. My ex ruined my 10 year relationship, he gave me loads of attention, which my partner wasnt doing and it would have been very very easy to have a fling. He was a tosser too, he was trying to get his way with not only his best friend but he also happened to be his cousin too. When you are low it is fantastic to receive compliments etc. Dont beat yourself up just pick yourself up dust yourself down and if you still want to be with your husband then try your level best, but your children would be happier with a happy single mum than an unhappy married mum - just my thoughts, not necessarily right but like i said your human and these things happen. smile

bleh Thu 08-Jan-09 19:03:32

How is your DH handling all of this? Surely his family should be focussing their energy on him, rather than Josh? It does sound like a rather diva-ish, attention-seeking act (the suicide attempt) so that they won't blame him.

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 19:08:05

he's handling it better than I had anticipated. he's not mad that I had the affair, he's mad that I didn't tell him about it.

I guess his little plan worked. As of right now, they're not blaming him.

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 19:28:43

counseling is something I want to do, but he doesn't. he thinks we can work it out on our own.

OptimistS Thu 08-Jan-09 20:14:50

You can always go to Relate on your own. It'll help you learn about what to expect and how best to handle it, as well as helping you to discover what you were looking for when you had the affair and how you can recreate that in your marriage.

OrmIrian Thu 08-Jan-09 20:18:19

Ignore the OM. This appears to be his coping strategy. Big deal. He's a coward. Your main responsibilty is to your relationship.

bleh Thu 08-Jan-09 20:18:32

It may also help you figure out why you had an affair with someone so close to you DH? I might be totally off target here but, maybe you were trying to get close to your DH (but in a roundabout way) by cheating on him with someone particularly close (cousin and FB) rather than with a random?

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 20:20:36

so my husband just called me and the OW is calling him asking what my side of the story is. apparently the OM told her that it happened only one time, no foreplay or kissing, and that he pulled out. none of that's true, and he's putting it all on me.

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 20:21:37

and he's asking my husband to lie for him, which if it ever gets back to her that he lied too, she's going to be mad at him too.

cluelessnchaos Thu 08-Jan-09 20:24:18

are you a troll?

jannasmama Thu 08-Jan-09 20:27:54

clueless: why do you ask?

prettybutterfly Thu 08-Jan-09 20:34:31

jannasmama, I wouldn't assume for a minute that he's not mad about you cheating.

The secrecy is as much a betrayal as the act to some, or possibly it's a more manageable issue and stops him thinking about the cheating immediately?

He wouldn't be human if he didn't mind.

Josh sounds like a coward.

You won't be one though, so you may find that you and your husband can move forward with respect for each other, despite past acts, with good communication and possibly counselling too.

Good luck anyway. The dust will settle soon and you can start working on your relationship properly. If you want to.

AnyFucker Thu 08-Jan-09 20:52:45

jeremy, time for you to step in now and start calling the lot of 'em a bunch of no-marks.......

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