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My husband has been having an affair and has left to be with her, need advice

(12 Posts)
hope5 Thu 08-Jan-09 11:28:05

My husband told me almost 6wks ago that he had been having an affair for 6months.Shock horror are the words that spring to mind.I am absoulutely devastated,as are our children who are 20,18, and 15.This is totally out of character, he has always been a good husband and dad,I still find it hard to believe.The day I found out he left the house in a terrible state, he went off for a couple of hours and came back to all of us in a bad way.I told him he must leave,which he did taking some clothes with him.He checked into a hotel room where he stayed overnight txting our children and me to say sorry!!!!Our families our heartbroken,we have been married 21yrs and together for 25yrs.Like all couples we have had our share of ups and downs.We have had a difficult time the last couple of years my mum suffers with alziehmers and needs lots of support, my husbands parents are not well,his father suffers from parkinsons diease.On top of this we have had financial problems, moved house to try and ease the burden, and he was having the affair.Since he tod us our emotions are in tatters.He said after 10 days he couldnt come home because of the hurt and guilt,and that he has feeling for this woman.I have spoken to him 3 or 4 times on our own and he is very tearful says he doesnt sleep(shame)neither do I much.He has been very apposed to counselling, but txt me monday to say would it be a good idea if he saw my counsellor,mine wouldnt unless it was couple counselling but he is arranging for him to see someone.I told him that I felt he had made to many rash decisions to quickly and he does say Im right but has to take one day at a time.He is very confused about his thoughts and feelings.In the meantime he is living in a flat with this 30yr old polish woman and 2 other couples????this is awful for me and our children who are having very little to do with him,which hurts him badly.I cant believe he would give all this up for her,and choose her over us.He was once a real family man.Any advice would be gratefully recieved.

pippo Thu 08-Jan-09 11:37:06

Sorry no advice, but just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hera that this has happened to you and your family and my thoughts are with you ....

snoopyatemyblanky Thu 08-Jan-09 11:45:52

Hello hope, I'm also sorry to hear about your sorrow. It must be so very hard after 25 !!! years tgether. I wish I could write more but have to dash yet didn't want to let this go unanswered. To me the whole succession of events sounds like a snowball that turned into an avalanche. A mindless affair (escapism) started to escape reality (ageing parents, ill & money worries, middle age and not sure if this was all it ever can be sort of behaviour). I think you should get your family to rally round both of you. If you want him to flee the clutches of that polish bird (lots of words spring to mind: esp: no future for that pairing), give him a chance to turn himself in, don't call him names (lord knows you have any reason to). Just try to let him breathe a bit & let your family coax him back, maybe your children too. Hugs. I'll check the thread later.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 08-Jan-09 11:47:21

what's the advice you are looking for? whether to take him back? that's not easy to answer. it depends - is it over? is he genuinely sorry? why did he tell you? is he serious about counselling/couple counselling? there may be a chance - or not. it's hard to say poor you.

ginnny Thu 08-Jan-09 11:53:02

I would say just take a big step back and think about what you want. He has thrown all this at you and you haven't had a choice so far. Now its time you took back some control.
If you want to make your marriage work it is possible, but will take a lot of hard work and counselling.
If you don't want him back, then that's completely your choice and nobody would blame you at all.
Good luck.

snoringnightmare Thu 08-Jan-09 11:53:15

As Kat says what is it YOU want? You must still be in a state of shock. He's asked for counselling which is a good sign.

Only thing you can do at the moment is keep the door open for talking if that is what you want.

There's (unfortunately) quite a lot of lovely, wise women on here who have had experience of this and I'm sure they will have lots of advice for you. Take care of yourself.

mocca Thu 08-Jan-09 11:58:08

I am so sorry, having been left by a husband and now just coming out of an intense love affair, I know the feeling of hurt and uncertainty all too well. I agree with snoopy, get as much support from family/friends as you can and don't blame yourself for any of this. He sounds as confused as hell, so try and let him start processing his thoughts. Living in a flat with two other young couples sounds totally grim and no fairy-tale. It's so hard to keep functioning but what's helping me at the moment is planning one day at a time and sharing with friends and coming on here. Also my DD. Keep us posted.

FioFio Thu 08-Jan-09 12:06:47

Message withdrawn

abedelia Thu 08-Jan-09 12:09:43

Sounds lie he did this to escape reality indeed, and living in a house with a load of housemates at his age should bring him down to earth with a massive bump. After his affair my h was very confused and said that as soon as the cold light of day came (ie being found out)he was desperately trying to tell himself he loved the ow while realising that actually he had been a blinding idiot (had an affair for escapism from big life change also) and all the pain he was causing and had caused had been for a big selfish nothing as he could suddenly see what she was like and knew it wasn't a patch on what he'd wrecked. Hang on in there - 25 years is a long time. My guess is that he is suddenly realising she isn't a fairytale princess but a woman with real faults. It will be a hard road if he comes back but the fact he is still in contact and talking about counselling says a lot.

anothermum92 Thu 08-Jan-09 18:54:30

Message withdrawn

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 19:56:56

My husband came home from work early last week and had emptied all his personal belongings and taken them to a flat which he had rented. when i returned home from work that day He said he could not bear to be with me any longer as it was killing him but offered no explanation . We had been married for 21 years and i have known him for 25and we have a 15 year old daughter who is taking her gcse this year. It has now transpired that he had been having an affair and i was totally unaware of the situation. At the moment i do not know how i am ever going to come out of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

ScaryFucker Mon 12-Oct-09 20:07:33

loughtongirl, you need to start your own thread my love

this is an old one

go to the relationships thread and post again

am sorry you are in a horrible situation x

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