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Anyone had any struggle with their relationship since baby arrived?

(13 Posts)
Zebraa Wed 07-Jan-09 20:32:45

I feel so distant from DP lately, even though we've got a baby on the way and have a one year old. Both babies were unplanned and DS1 was a huge shock and knocked us sideways a bit and then this baby was an even bigger shock as I was properly on the pill.

Grrr men!

ElenorRigby Wed 07-Jan-09 20:44:36

How did your DP react with your first pregnancy? How is he with the baby?
How did he react when you became pregnant again?

StepfordKnife Wed 07-Jan-09 20:50:52

Yes, and although better it still isn't fully back on track (children now 4 and 6!)

Babies and children generally are hard work. It takes its toll.

Zebraa Wed 07-Jan-09 20:52:28

With the first baby we were in total shock, I considered not keeping it but DP and I soon felt excited and lucky. With baby No. 2 I think we were both a bit shocked.

I think we've just lost ourselves to the baby and family life. I miss our time and the fun that goes with all that.

gingerninja Wed 07-Jan-09 20:57:20

I think the first year is a real test of even the most solid relationship. I doubt there is a family on earth that have got through it completely unscathed. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate with another on the way so soon especially if unexpected.

I think it helps to recognise and appreciate that you and your partner have genuine worries, fears, emotions etc which may not be the same and may not be expressed coherently. (ie I'm the worlds worst for getting in a grump about one thing when it's actually about something else entirely)

Try and be gentle with one another it really is a very difficult time but you can come through it.

ElenorRigby Wed 07-Jan-09 21:03:46

How is he with your first baby? ie does he cuddle baby, does he feed do nappies etc

thisweathersajoke Wed 07-Jan-09 21:10:23

Yes!!

Throughout my pregnancy i was like a bitch on wheels - like many i suppose. One minute crying, next huggin DH telling him how much i loved him. My hormones went through the roof - big time.
When DS arrived (now 5.5mths), the sheer tiredness and exhaustion of caring for him my DH being made redundant, moving house, getting married and completing a college course sent our relationship into freefall.
My DH now has a job that requires him to be out approx 60-70hrs a week. I have no family here as relocated to be with DH, one friend and no immediate support network.
Our relationship dynamic has changed as well - previously I was independant, go-getting with loads of friends and member of clubs, groups etc. Now stay at home mum with nothing to talk about except what was on offer at the supermarket today and what DS's poo was like. He of course has no comprehension of what it is like being in the house with a baby all day and I certainly let him know this at 2am when DS wakes up again for feeding.

I would say that the relationship has changed in that we are no longer equals - or it feels that way. I feel that my conversation is no longer witty, flirtatious and spontaneious, but boring, repetitive and i suspect bordering on the obsessional re childcare.
Springing from this is the inevitable paranoia that he will meet a younger, vivacious and exciting female at work and that he will dread coming home to this harridan.

Sound familiar or am i on my own here?

Zebraa Wed 07-Jan-09 21:10:44

Yeah he is fantastic. We're generally happy but it's the little ways we had are gone now. You know what I mean? Like with children they come first and at the end of the day we sit down and exhale, where as we used to have fun and watch films, go for drives, enjoy each others company.

Renni Wed 07-Jan-09 21:11:57

This is a time to sort out youre probs. Talk to each other. Wot u miss wot he misses. Do either of you feel left out of the relationship? Dose baby get in the way? These are the things you need to sort out cos things will only get worse after the next one and the teenage years are far more a strain on youre relationship beleive me!!!!!!!!!!! Youre relationship will need to be rock solid.

Zebraa Wed 07-Jan-09 21:23:20

We've had a tough week, i've not realised up till now how much I miss him and how we were.

I'll talk to him tomorrow afternoon when he finishes early. He's knackered now and so it's wasteful talking about it now.

Renni Wed 07-Jan-09 21:28:37

make sure its a disscusion and not an argument. sometimes it can so easily fall into being the later. But yes this is exactly the kind of thing i mean

Zebraa Fri 09-Jan-09 10:31:02

We had our chat, and basically DP got really upset at how I'm feeling. He said he feels like he's let me down because of the way I'm feeling but seeing his reaction and how he feels too has been really refreshing and we've promised to talk more instead of just thinking it will pass.

I feel like a whole new woman! grin

gingerninja Fri 09-Jan-09 11:24:40

Well done, it takes some effort to talk and actually listen which is probably why most people don't do it, including me. Glad it worked for you.

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