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I wish he would leave?

(67 Posts)
sahara Mon 28-Mar-05 22:32:19

Hi everybody. I've been with my dh for 8 years and apart from the first 6 months I have no good memory to hold on to.
He is horrible and I just wish he would leave me.
Over our years he has been abusive and a bully. I left him last year and resettled somewhere else with the help of a womens refuge. But I was eaten up with guilt so I let him see his kids.
Of course I eventually let him talk me round, promise he would change blah,blah,blah.
And alright he hasn't hit me in 10 months. But he still hurts me in little ways. calls me names, makes fun of my depression.
I know I won't get better inside until he is gone so why won't he leave.
I tell him to go, I tell him I hate him. he then tells me that I'm depressed and I need him beacuse of our 3 kids.
I don't want to run again, I've been running my whole life and I just want to have peace. I don't even care that I am alone, at least I would wake up without him there making me feel like s**t.
He has gone now, left about 30 mins ago. I told him to never come back but I know he will.
How do I make myself stronger? How do I resolve this without having to turn to the police and have it all go ugly?
I'm not scared of what he will do but I am scared of the way he can call me names solidly for an hour. It hurts, he knows how to hurt me in my mind, he knows how to make me want to die.
I know I sound stupid and probably alot of you will think that I should have just left him when he first hit me but I was brought up to believe that a man did have a right to hit me for displeasing them. My mum and my dad practised on me.
I remember turning to my dad once and telling him, He said to me that if my dh loved me he wouldn't hit me, and sadly I replied, then u musn't have loved me for you beat me my whole life. He has never spoken to me since.
Sorry I'm just rambling on now trying to keep my mind of what I know the next few days will be like.

Dior Mon 28-Mar-05 22:37:35

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sansouci Mon 28-Mar-05 22:40:40

God in heaven, Sahara. You sound anything but stupid. No one deserves to be beaten; it is not a sign of love or caring. Please try to keep him away from you & your children.

sahara Mon 28-Mar-05 22:47:04

In the space it took me to tell you what is happening (and make a cuppa) he has already phoned and started trying to explain why he feels he has to tell me what to do, to say hey he was in a bad mood and that but its all down to me. I can't take this anymore I really wish this nightmare was over.
I can't even tell a soul because I know everyone will just laugh at me and say I told you so, I just can't take the shame anymore.
He is staying away for tonight so at least tonight and most of tomorrow will be nice.
just about

sansouci Mon 28-Mar-05 22:53:28

I am sorry in a way to admit this (for your sake because I wish I could help you!) but my only experience with violent husbands/partners is what I have read or seen on tv. It doesn't look good. Please try to "divorce" yourself from him by not seeing him or allowing him near you. Speak on the phone only if you must but even that seems dangerous. Get professional help asap!

Beetroot Mon 28-Mar-05 22:53:45

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Beetroot Mon 28-Mar-05 22:55:06

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moondog Mon 28-Mar-05 22:58:58

It is not shameful to try and salvage a marriage, but the time has come for you to say enough is enough.
Have you seen a solicitor?

sahara Mon 28-Mar-05 23:03:12

It turned so ugly when I left him last time, he threatened my family, too k 3 blokes with him to my sisters house to try and scare my address out of them.
I know what to do that way I'm just scared of the events that always come. I really don't want to run again.
And plus how could I not let him see the kids he does nothing bad to them.
I know that if I call in proffesionals then they will say he has to see them in a secure setting watched by people to ensure nothing untowards happens. I would hate to do that to him. I hate him for what he has done to me, the person I become when he's around. Pathetic, weak willed, quiet.
I don't even now who I am anymore.

butty Mon 28-Mar-05 23:07:49

i know how you feel, i am still in one five years later. I have done the kicking out, the tears, the violence the councelling and for what!!??
I ask myself everyday,i work hard support 2 children one of which has GDD and Hypotonia and the other severe bahavioural difficlties and i am only 23.
I love him to the extent that it takes the pressure off me with the children but that is the only reason we dont sleep together, he never gives me money although he doesnt mind taking my money and letting me pay the bills and put the food on the table and one day i will kick him out for good but until that day i have to remain strong for my kids and not only that my sanity.
Maybe your partner will get bored and realise that he has hurt you enough and that you will never respect him as a man, partner or father and this alone will make any man change or leave.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

sansouci Mon 28-Mar-05 23:10:04

What would you do if someone presented you with the same problem? How would you advise them?

sahara Mon 28-Mar-05 23:11:07

butty I know how you feel, no money no support, I pay everything bills, food. My son has sever behaviour difficulties.
I hope that what you said could be true for me. I wish he would choos to leave me, to know that I have no love for him anymore, or I hate him too much.
Thank you.

moondog Mon 28-Mar-05 23:12:32

Why shouldn't he have restrictions put on him thogh? He sounds like a violent unstable man. Can you hammer out a deal whereby he'lets' you go with no aggro or intimidation in return for being able to see the children more freely?
Am I being ludicrously unrealistic?
As a woman, surely the children are your trump card?

Kidstrack2 Mon 28-Mar-05 23:14:16

Oh I feel for you and your children. Please be strong for yourself and your children. I'm not in a situation like you and never have been, but I watched with my siblings, my mother being beaten for ten long years and I can honestly say it has scarred me for life and I still have flashbacks of the beatings. Please don't let this happen to you and your children. My mother tried her best to protect us but children are not stupid I know because I was one who wittnessed it first hand. One morning I found her with a broken nose and cracked ribs I was seven yrs old and she told me she had fallen down the stairs just to protect me but of course I knew exactly what happened. Don't let your husband find his way back into your lives by talking you round. By all means you need to talk and tell him your relationship is over you need to explain this is best for both of you and your 3 children. If he is a loving father allow access but if not, protect your children from him. Phone your local womens aid and tell them you need thier help again even if it is just someone to talk to. And remember the law is there to help you! Even though he has not hit you for over ten months, the mental abuse can sometimes be worse than the physical this can make you emotionally unstable, you need to be strong to protect your kids. You can't take this sort of behaviour from a grown man no matter what problems he has he can't get away with taking it out on you.

Dior Mon 28-Mar-05 23:16:35

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sahara Mon 28-Mar-05 23:17:08

sansouci I know the answer.
I know people in my same situation and I give them the same advice. I tell them to respect themselves, That they deserve better.
They don't listen either.
Sometimes I say "well I made my bed so now I have to sleep in it"
I think maybe I accepted it on some level as I was so used to it.
I hope this is the time that I do feel strong, I feel it now. If I just stay firm and don't let him wear me down maybe he will leave when he sees I'm serious.
"if pigs could fly" I just remebered he will tell me it is only the depression talking.
No this time I have to stay strong, I have to.

sahara Mon 28-Mar-05 23:20:03

I was in a womens refuge and I put myself back in this situation, surely they won't help me again?
I really feel like I blew my one chance at a clean break. far away from him.

sansouci Mon 28-Mar-05 23:20:35

Sahara, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. I wish you all the courage in the world to stay away from him, for your sake as well as for your children. What Dior says is true; they are using you & your DH as role models. They certainly deserve better, don't they? You would never willingly endanger them, right?

rickman Mon 28-Mar-05 23:21:59

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sansouci Mon 28-Mar-05 23:22:09

I don't know much about women's refuges, but I do know that this is classic behavior & that they would welcome you back with open arms!

Dior Mon 28-Mar-05 23:22:33

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butty Mon 28-Mar-05 23:22:49

There is a saying that we always attract the men most like our fathers and to an extent i personally believe that to be true as i have done that in an obscure kind of way, and as i have just noticed you have mentioned your father and a some what troubled relationship with him.
It seems to be that you suffered through childhood and that it was alright to forgive the persuer but you are a mother and please forgive me for saying but do you want your children to grow up seeing their mum in total turmoil, for them to be mentally damaged by their fathers treatment of you.
Although you say he is a good dad, he is certainly not doing the children any favours by abusing you and taking your confidence away, You have left him before so this time do it for your sanity and your future as you never know who or what lies round the corner in order to better your esteem and happiness and whether it be a man or freedom you deserve the good things in life as we all do.

moondog Mon 28-Mar-05 23:26:23

Sahara, it doesn't make any diofference if you tried to go before. I read some stats once about which showed that women with abusive partners generally make three or four (I think?) attempts to leave before finally doing so for good.
I hope in you case it is only two.

You don't want your children living with horrible memories like kidstrack do you?

sahara Mon 28-Mar-05 23:27:07

I know your right all of you. I know I must stay strong.
I know that we are their role models and that as parents we let them down.
I will try what kidstrack2 said and I will say that I don't want to be with him, that I'm prepared to give him generous access, but that it has to be non aggressive and that if he does threaten me in anyway I will have to do it through the appropriate channels.
Your right why would he leave willingly, I'm such a doormat and he gets a free ride in life as I'm to afraid not to give him my money.
Thanks guys for not being judgmental, I was really afraid to let anyone know but it feels better now I've admitted it's all gone horribly wrong again.

Kidstrack2 Mon 28-Mar-05 23:30:00

Sahara, they will help you again, you have blown no chances, it takes women several attempts to leave abusive partners. You have not made your bed to lie in it, you can turn your life around. I don't know much about english law but up here in scotland there are many restrictions you can have put on an abusive partner and there are safegaurders for children who take niether side but take into consideration the best interests of the child. And as for his bully mates they will be charged in the process if they try and intimidate your family. Please get help there are so many organisations out there!

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