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Not such a happy new year :(

(17 Posts)
crazychipmunk Wed 31-Dec-08 16:20:23

Sorry, I'm not sure where I should post this so I hope it's OK here.

I'm not really sure where to start tbh, I'm in such a mess and I genuinely can't see any way out. I feel my life is spiraling completely out of control and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard space

It's new years eve and I should be happy but I'm absolutely dreading it getting to midnight. Like every other year for the past 3 - 4 years it will be the same thing, I'll be trying to avoid the midnight bongs and my h coming over to kiss me and wish me happy new year when for the past 3/4 years it's been anything but happy.

Every sodding year I convince myself that things will change and be better, that we'll be happy again but it doesn't it's just getting worse and all my fight has gone. I just can't / don't want things to get better anymore. Theres been so many broken promises and lies from h that I'm sick to the back teeth of listening to his half hearted promises to change and try harder year after year.

I'm 42 yrs old and I honestly feel like my life is over. We have 4 dc and I love each and every one of them to pieces but they and my work is the only thing that keeps me going day after day.

Theres so many things that get me down with h that I can't remember what it was that I fell for anymore, he's lazy, selfish, unloving, inconsiderate etc. He cheated on me just over 3 yrs ago and although I was rocked to the core by it we had been having a few problems prior to it and we decided to try to make things work between us.

Things have been pretty much up and down since with more downs than ups for me, h seems to have just moved on with things as if nothing ever happened and just slotted back into the same old ways, where as I made changes to the way I was. Taking more notice of him and showing more interest in his interests, being more open, loving and affectionate instead of working so hard, bottling things up and being caught up with the dc almost all the time.

Aside from the usual ups & downs of marriage over the past couple of yrs I've noticed that we have far less money to the point that we were really struggling to make ends meet. Don't get me wrong, we where never well off but things have now got out of control. I work full time and rent a space inside a larger store and although I don't make a fortune my job pays the bills. Or should I say did pay the bills.

H stopped work about 8 yrs ago due to injury and as we had young dc at the time we just seemed to fall into a situation where he was a SAHD and I worked which worked fine for both of us but as the dc are now older I expected him to go back to work at least part time if nothing else but he doesn't want to. I wouldn't mind so much if he at least did things around the house but he doesn't, so basically I have to work full time and keep house too angry

Now my problems have been added to by finding out we're (or rather I) am in debt. H can't get credit so I applied for an additional credit & store card on my accounts for him some time ago. These where used very rarely until the past couple of months. I've recently received letters from a debt collection agency from the store card saying that payment is over due and they are commencing with a ccj against me and a visa bill for over £3000. I've quizzed h about it and it appears he's been spending without my knowledge and paying bills with money drawn on the visa card.

It also appears that he's emptied his isa account of £3000 and blown that too. I can see that some of it has been used to pay rent, council tax etc on our house but the rest just appears to have been blown on crap or god knows what and know I'm left to pick up the pieces and I could now lose my business as money is so tight and I can't afford new stock etc.

I feel like I'm up shit creek without a paddle, he's doing nothing to help me and I'm stealing from peter to pay paul at the mo. I've told him that if he's just putting money away to leave then just to bloody well go or if he's spending it on some tart to get the hell out of my life as I'm not prepared to struggle to keep him and his tart happy but he swears blind theres no-one else, he loves me and can't bare the thought of life without me!!

Unfortunately I don't feel the same and although I've told him he just wont listen, he refuses point blank to leave and just keeps telling me he will change and I will love him again and trust him one day and that it will just take time.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I now have so much money going out to pay these debts on top of our usual bills that I can't move out, I have no savings now as I have had to draw everything I had left in my own isa out to keep the wolves from the door. I have no money for a deposit on anywhere else, it's also our dd 18th in a couple of month and now I can't even pay for a do for her I can't see any way out of this crap and although I'm fearful that things will just get worse financially if I stay with him I'm stuck in this situation unless a miracle happens.

Thank you if you've taken the time to read my ramblings I just don't have any where to turn and needed to let it all out before I break down in tears x

LoveMyGirls Wed 31-Dec-08 16:24:47

God poor you! He does sound awful!

How old are your dc's now?

Why won't he get a job?

Do you have anything worth selling?

Go to the CAB as soon as they open and ask them to help you sort out a debt management plan for the new year.

LoveMyGirls Wed 31-Dec-08 16:26:03

Is he addicted to gambling/ drink, does he go out to the pub or have hobbies he could be spending the money on?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 31-Dec-08 16:26:18

oh goodness, don't know where to start but had to acknowledge you

so sorry you feel in such a mess

I am sure some wise souls will be along with good advice soon

what is it about New Year? I hate it.

stickybeaker Wed 31-Dec-08 16:44:30

You sound amazing for sticking it out this long.

I'd second going to CAB for starters.

Also I wouldn't be so hard on yourself about not being able to afford a party for your DD. Perhaps you could explain to her that there isn't any money for a 'do', but that maybe you'll be able to do something special cheaply/or something in the future (for her 21st?) She's old enough to understand about the credit crunch etc.

Maybe a declaring yourslef bankrupt is an option??

Good luck

NoShitSherlock Wed 31-Dec-08 16:51:57

How horrible for you. I don't have any great advice but didn't want to ignore your post.


crazychipmunk Wed 31-Dec-08 16:59:25

Thanks for your replies x

Our eldest is 22, she's just moved out to live with her bf, the other dc are 17, 13 & 9.

His argument for not working is that we will lose the wtc we get and who's going to take & pick dc up from school and be at home during school holidays. Quite honestly I think it's cos he's addicted to day time tv, thats all he seems to do all day. Everyday after work I come home to not pots washed, no house work done and washing & ironing still piled up.

I really can't see how we would be worse off if he worked? we don't get any help towards rent or council tax or anything. I think he's just got into a routine of sitting on his arse all day and likes it angry

He does make the evening meal each night though as I'm either helping dc with homework or sorting out my own paperwork.

He's not a drinker and doesn't go to the pub, although you've just got me thinking, he used to be really keen on fishing a quite few yrs ago and dd partner is fishing mad and they do seem to have been spending a lot of time together chatting?? and I've noticed fishing mags knocking about more than usual hmm

We don't have anything that I could sell tbh and I'm afraid of getting into a payment plan as I can't run the risk of my visa company putting a hold or stopping my card as it's what I use to buy new stock and then pay it off at the end of the month.

I'll just not be able to use it for the time being while I try to do all I can to get the debt down. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do it.

AFFAMP - I love your user name, thank you for cheering me up and making me laugh x

naswm Wed 31-Dec-08 17:03:15

HUGS - you poor thing. Is there any chance of relate?

Doodle2U Wed 31-Dec-08 17:06:55

Chipmunk, this is the way I think I would tackle this:-

1) Remove ALL access to cash from your husband. Cancel storecards and debit cards, change pin numbers on bank accounts etc. Basically, take him out of the financial decision making.

2) Re-do your budget and factor in the debt and work out a comfortable repayment scedule. I know you've probably done similar already but re-do it and factor in 'fun money' for party/holiday etc.

3) Deal with the CCJ issue immediately. Once you've got one of those babies against your name, you are totally (and I mean TOTALLY) screwed. That's your number one priority debt to resolve. Speak to them - they are normally receptive to a repayment schedule suggestion.

4) I don't think you're going to be falling back in love with this guy. It's my opinion and I don't know you from Adam BUT, once it's gone, it's gone. You need an exit stratergy. It might take you two years or so to be in a position to make your move but you can start making your plans right now. At least then, you'll feel like you are doing something to help yourself and that goes a long way to making you feel more confident. Start an Exit Fund - even five quid a week would be a start.

The bottom line is this (as far as I can tell). The only one who's gonna get you out of this and into a place you want to be, is YOU. Your H is on to a cushy number, so he's not going to be doing anything that rocks that boat for him. It's down to you and YOU CAN RESOLVE THIS. Baby steps to start with. Kiss him tonight but in your head, be thinking "Yeah, kiss my ass on the way out!".

That would be my plan, I think.

NAB3lovelychildren Wed 31-Dec-08 17:12:00

I am so sorry for you and so sad that you have been so unhappy for such a long time.

Is there anywwhere your husband can go and stay for a whie so you take a break and have time to think about what to do?

It doesn't seem like he thinks there is a problem (no work, credit cards, wife supporting him) and will not change so YOU have to be the one to change.

Cancel all his cards. You can give him the necessary allowance.

Is there anything you can ebay to bring something in?

LoveMyGirls Wed 31-Dec-08 17:12:28

I'd say new year new start, get a job and do more round the house or get out. At this point he is only dragging you down at least if he went it would be one less person to feed and clothe isn't it?

Yes your wftc will change BUT they also pay 80% of your childcare, if he gets a job that use childcare vouchers that would help too.

Does you 17yr old work, pay board or go to college? If college could she do childcare in the holidays?

the 13yr old is old enough to have a key and come home alone as if the 17yr old is at college and she comes straight home she would be back about 30 mins after anyway wouldn't she? The 9yr old is the only one you would actually need to pay for childcare and she could either go to a childminder (who could do holidays as well as after school if you don't want her to have responsibility for the youngest/ both younger children)

His arguements are a load of crap and I think the real reason could well be he is scared/ has lack of confidence or is simply just lazy.

IotasCat Wed 31-Dec-08 17:14:07

Hmmm from what youve said he sounds like he's used up all his chances. What value does he add to your life and would you feel better off without him ?

CarGirl Wed 31-Dec-08 17:19:57

I guess you need to consider an ultimatum - he needs to start working/bringing money in to help sort out the money or leave.

Harsh but you it does sound like neither of you respect each other anymore.

compo Wed 31-Dec-08 17:23:52

could he be depressed? staying in all day and wathcing daytime v would sound alarm bells to me
do you love him?
do you want to salvage the relationship or just get rid of him?

N1 Wed 31-Dec-08 17:58:41

I can't add much better advice than Doodle2U.

I would possibly extend on the "exit" fund and say that you might want a friend to hang onto the money or keep the case somewhere that only you know about. The man might want to take half (or more) of the money is you separate.

The simplified term sounds like "cut your losses".

unavailable Wed 31-Dec-08 18:10:24

Does you husband acknowledge his part in accumulating the debt? What is his idea on how to deal with it? Does he understand the position you (both) are in?
It sounds like everything falls on your shoulders, and he hasnt been a real partner to you for many years.
I would think about giving him an ultimatum - get a job and help to sort out the situation he in part created or get out.The childcare excuse is rubbish - he can get an evening job. He has got to show willing to take his share of the burden, or there is nothing worth saving.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 31-Dec-08 18:37:01

I think doodle gives excellent (if very "final") advice. I guess it depends how far you want to take it.

What I would find more difficult to stomach about this situation is the fact he is home all day but appears to do no housework. He should be doing most of it, and helping out with homework etc too.

<< offers a fucking mince pie >>

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