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Can anyone help me to work this through and out please?

(11 Posts)
Flossam Mon 28-Mar-05 14:20:52

I don't think I am really very happy with DP at the moment. I think it is probably cause things are a bit stressful at the moment, but I don't know if there is more to it or not. I went home for a week last week, was really looking forward to getting back to DP. He arranged, although he knew I'd rather he didn't, to meet up with an old friend and his girlfriend alone on the only day we could have had a family day out. He has a driving lesson now so today was written off.

He tried to stop me going to my mums on monday, said he'd miss DS so much. We nearly missed our train! But this trip had been discussed and it was decided I should go on my own whilst he was at work for the week. I thought he would be pleased to have us back. I think he is pleased DS is back, but I'm not sure he feels the same way about me. But then, why so keen to leave DS so quickly?

I'm also stuggling with the fact that I don't know if I find him attractive anymore. I am expecting a mauling for this. But we both put on loads of weight in the past year (having a baby was my excuse!). I've lost about a stone and a half in the past couple of months, and although not slim I don't feel obese (I'm now a size 14). However, he is still big. He eats crap at work, chocolate and burgers and chips and is completely un-motivated in getting himself back in shape. I know that is up to him, but I wanted to look better for him, why dosen't he want the same?

I put on a thread recently that I might do him certain favours in return for a trip out etc. Lou was shocked, and it's made me think. I think the problem is that he just dosen't ever want to leave the house, once he's put he's fine, but he seems to enjoy it becoming an issue. Today for example, I wanted to pop out before he went off to drive. He knew that and after sitting on his arse for two hours decided that now was the time to run around tidying, basically preventing me from going out.

For me be in the mood I need to feel loved, and I don't think I do. For example he won't come home from work and give me a hug - he is more likely to come home and try and look at what knickers I have on. If I don't feel loved and have just had a baby is it any real wonder why I turn him down more than he would like?

I think he has a destructive and stubborn streak in him which almost seems as though he dosen't want me to be happy. If there is something he knows I really want he seems to try and put the breaks on and stops me. Does that make sense? I don't understand why. We haven't been rowing lots, just today really, but I feel like I'm stuggling with my feelings for him. I just think sometimes he's not as nice as I used to think he was. He has no patience and is quite flippant about my staying home with DS at the moment. He thinks it's not big deal I think. I didn't get anything for mothers day and that dosen't seem an action of the DP I used to know.

One example is when he went out with this friend. He went out in the afternoon for what was just a few drinks. I knew this would be rubbish, and he got home at 1am. Not terrible, no I know, but not what he said he would do. The next day he basically said that we shouldn't argue about it but that we should make sure we don't ruin the day. That I feel basically stopped me from saying what I wanted and was a bit controlling.

We are going to have to move and were thinking of getting a mortgage, but I don't know if I can do that with a man who I don't always like and at the moment at least I don't fancy. Also all his friends (none of whom have babies) are back at home and I worry that he will be out every weekend like he used to be. I just feel really confused and I don't know what to do or what to think. I decided to be brave and not change my name, but at the same time hope I'm not thought of as a rather prolific poster who is upset one moment and happy and dandy another...

TracyK Mon 28-Mar-05 14:25:14

Do you think his change of personality co-incided with his weight gain. You know how bad we feel when we are heavy. Lethargic and 'can't be arsed to do anything' even going out and about.
I know I feel like this since having ds and am still 2 stone overwieght, and really can't be arsed meeting up with friends etc (altho am fine once I'm out)

colditzmum Mon 28-Mar-05 14:29:29

Just do what you want to do. tell him what you are going to do, don't ever ask his permission, and then do it. If he tries to stop you, just tell him that it is not a subject that is up for discussion, then carry on regardless.

I had to be like this with my dp, when I had ds, my dp turned into a controlling bully, and after 6 months I had had enough.

I had to start with things that he had no way of stopping me doing, like taking ds to the park on my own, or visiting people with ds in tow.

When he eventually copped on that I was not going to back down at all, he gave in.

He might sulk for weeks when you start doing what you want to do, rather than what he tells you you can do, but if you just treat it like a toddler tantrum, it will stop eventually.

I really hope this works for you if you decide to try it, it's up to you, and I know very well that it is no fun living with a bully.

Flossam Mon 28-Mar-05 14:59:38

He is normally quite happy for me to go out and do things on my own, he actively encourages me normally, it is when he is involved. He has no problem going out and doing what he wants, it just seems to be when I want to do something. I know I can be awful for wanting to be out and about, but when the weather is lovely and we are off together I want to make the most of it. Do you think maybe he is embarrassed to be out with me?

sweetmonkey Mon 28-Mar-05 16:13:41

i dont really know what to say but i am sort of the same situation as you, just want you to know i hope it all works out for you and you just need to be strong, i know people post on here and stuff but ive also found keeping a diary (something that i have never done before) and writing in it when im happy and when im sad, just write everything down for a total release. i even have a little notebook which is small enough to fit into any of my bags so that even if im out and the need occurs then i can get it out and jot down what im feeling.
i am here if you need to chat
take care

lou33 Mon 28-Mar-05 17:57:07

Oh Floss I hope i haven't contributed to your feelings, it really wasn't my intention, I apologise if i did.

I think it sounds like you have lost a lot of self confidence in your appearance since you gave birth, and you dh is not helping by providing the support you need from him. This in turn is going to make you feel worse, pull away from him, he pulls back from you, the arguing and stress is perpetuated. Id there any way you could try and sit down and tell him everything you have written here? If he won't listen, even emailing it or writing a letter may help him understand.

Tortington Tue 29-Mar-05 02:44:12

youneed to talk. my dh will happily sit on his arse in front of this computer every day and never go out - never having the need as he would rather eat his own left leg than walk to the shop - he waits til i get home - as i drive. this is if like this easter weekend - nothing sustantive is achieved - we havent gone anywhere or done or achieved anything i get pissed off and everyone knows about it. if my dh makes a conserted effort to try and make me happy by doing what i would like - then i think its only fair for me to leave him alone to vegitate in his own spit for the evening - therefore we are both happy.

you definatley have low self esteem - your dh wants to get in your knickers all the time - but on the other hand your saying " is he embaressed to be seen with me" nope it doesnt add up - if your dh is owt like mine they have fat lazy fucker syndrome - fortunatley mine will come out of this illness from time to time when i talk to him - he realised he is not being fair. hopefully you can come to a good arrangement too. i find being specific always works with men who have FLF symdrome. "i would like to see sunshine on saturday - i would like to do this as a family. i would like to do this by going to a local restaurant. i will then leave you alone to wallow in your own sputem for the evening - does this sound fair oh FLF?"

" but ungreatful nagging wife. i have a very hard life providing the things for you and our child<ren>, i just want to sit in my own farts all evening and watch the pre match banter, mid match banter 3/4 match banter and post match banter then look at the legue tables - all of them including scotland which i dont give a flying fig about then ant and decs saturdays night takeaway. i would prefer not to move from this spot oh UNW!"

"FLF, if you do not want to make one day out of the miserable 7 in a week i have even slightly bearable. then the fuse will go in your telly - via the chair going through the screen. if you would prefer not to have words about it then get of your FLF arse and take me out darling"

or sommat sililar.

Flossam Tue 29-Mar-05 09:37:10

Lou, so sorry I saw your post last night, but DP was skulking around so didn't want to risk replying. I shouldn't have put your name, it makes it look like I was trying to put blame on you somehow and that definately wasn't my intention, you didn't do anything wrong! We did have a bit of a chat last night, I think I've said it all before, but I think that only 10-15% of anything I ever say gets absorbed. The email idea is a good one. I will see if the chat gets me anywhere and if not I'll try that tact. I did that before just after DS was born to point out things that were bothering me at the time. He did seem to buck his ideas up. Sorry if i made you feel bad Lou. x

My self esteem has always been terrible. I've never liked the way I look, never been happy with my weight, even when at 5'9 I was 10 stone which aint bad really is it? My hair is all falling out really badly which isn't helping, I have bald patches and my hair just looks really scraggly. My hair has always been one thing about me I like, so I'm quite sad. I know it is normal post pregnancy but it started happening within a few days of finding out our flat was for sale so I do wonder.

Custardo, you made me LOL, thank you! I especially love you choice of names! I will try your tact, I did say to him that comprmising should be the way to go - one day we stay in one day we go out. This morning although he was going to work he made me breakfast! Which makes me hopeful he is thinking about things.

Sweetmonkey, you sound so sad and a bit downbeaten, I'm sorry for you. Your idea too is a good one. I hope things get better for you too.

HappyDaddy Tue 29-Mar-05 10:04:36

Flossam, as a bloke i can tell you that subtle hints just don't work, usually. Letters or emails are a great way to get through, IMO, because they can't be interrupted and he can't leave the room to not hear them. When my dw has left letters or emails, I read them and then they go round and round in my head until dw gets home and we have a good, long talk. I've hopefully banished my FLF days for good but I take each day as it comes...

Flossam Tue 29-Mar-05 11:29:03

Thanks Happydaddy! Bless you! It's just so funny with the whole going out thing though. He hates leaving, but whenever we get to where we are going he inivetibly has a better time than me! Incidently I think DS will be the same, he wails whenever we put him in his pram, only to coo and whoo the whole day long in there!

Libb Tue 05-Apr-05 18:34:57

Flossam, how are you doing now? I had meant to post here the first time I read your post - but you know how things are here.

Are you okay toots? thank you for my thread by the way - you are a sweetie.

Hope you are feeling happier babes xxx

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