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Can our marriage be saved after my husband did this?

(33 Posts)
mummytowillow Mon 29-Dec-08 22:58:50

We've been married for five years, together six, mostly happy, when DD arrived 16 months ago things changed, I was diagnosed with PND 7 weeks ago, but looking back have had it since she was 6 months old. I've been horrible, irrational, verbally abusive and generally a nasty cow! blush I've had treatment and I'm now a different woman, thankfully!

I have apologised endlessly for how I've been, hubby accepted this (with difficulty) and we agreed to move on, things seemed to have improved greatly and I thought it was going to work?

So why on Boxing Day did he think it was a good day to tell me 'he doesn't love me anymore' we had a row and he left me, our daughter and two very shocked parents to go to his mothers two hours away.

Over the last two weeks he had been distant, very cool, not interested in me, refusing sex etc. I thought this was strange and whilst looking at our mobile phone bill online (I rarely do this but was suspicious) noticed he had sent hundreds and I mean hundreds of text to a number I didn't recognise. I phoned it and it was a woman, on further investigation whilst he was on a so called works christmas do he had phoned and texted her and met her! I have confronted him and he has admitted all, she is a work colleague who is single, no kids, long dark hair need I say more, he has met her, phoned, texted and kissed her, he even phoned her within minutes of leaving me on boxing day! He has also been texting and talking on the phone from our house whilst looking after our daughter, even when I was in the house, isn't that sick? He is adamant that he hasn't had sex with her but I am doubtful about this? He has deleted her number from his phone, promised he won't contact her and I have sent her a text telling her to leave us alone.

He is now horribly embarrased about his behaviour and wants to make another go of it, but I can't get them together out of my head, he has let me believe all our problems were because of me and it was him!! He even admitted that when we were going to talk about boxing night he would still have blamed me if I hadn't found out about the mobile bill! How cruel is that!

I do love him and want to work it out, but can I do this with a man who says he doesn't love me (I'm also confused why he wants to do this to), can we get it back?? Or am I flogging a dead horse, and should I pack my bags and getting running!!

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas Mon 29-Dec-08 23:00:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bollockbrain Mon 29-Dec-08 23:06:13

oh god how awful.

ill need to think about what i would do in your position before i post any more but would say deffo do not take him back with open arms.

you need time to process all that has happened before yoiu make any decision. Plus, i doubt it is suddenly 'overr' between them if thre had been so many hundreds of texts and calls between them. excuse typos am in bed, laptop resting on xmas stomach.

he may have had a bollocking from his parents and been sent back, who knows but do not let him make a fool of you anymore. And dont let him give you any shit that the post natal depression drove him to it blah blah, it is bollocks.

so sorry you are going through this though.

mousehole Mon 29-Dec-08 23:09:20 can work it out - all relationships have highs and very lows - if you care about each other deeply then the good times can return - it sounds like he was feelign alone and needing a shoulder to cry on himself too - although his behaviour is v bad you can forgive and move on in these circumstances...

abedelia Mon 29-Dec-08 23:16:18

Please read the how to recover from an emotional affair thread - I think you'll find it useful. I hope so - a few of us have been through this (and slightly more in my case). You can definitely come through it - often it seems people don't know what they may lose till it nearly happens or in this case their parents kindly point it out!

mummytowillow Mon 29-Dec-08 23:17:23

Now this is going to sound really sad but I'm terrified of being on my own with a toddler, she needs a daddy and I can't bear the thought of it being 'just us to'? I would move to be near my parents (300 miles away) so he would only see her occasionally as he has two other children down this way?

Why am I worried about him and them seeing their sister when it should be her and me I'm more worried about?

He is also a quitter, so if I make things difficult for him he will just give up and not even try?

Someone kick me up the a--e please! wink

mummytowillow Mon 29-Dec-08 23:22:13

Abedelia - Thanks, but I can't find it??

solidgoldstuffingballs Mon 29-Dec-08 23:28:22

Oh dear, what a mess. TBH (though it wasn't your fault and you were ill ie don't blame yourself) if you did spend a lot of time being miserable and verbally abusive to him, it's kind of understandable that he grew closer to someone else. Living with a person who is depressed and therefore permanently critical and insulting is very hard, even if the criticized partner intends to try to stay in the relationship and make it work.

You're not going to be able to fix this without counselling. Counselling isn't the answer to everything, but talking about it with and to a person who is sympathetic but uninvolved is the only way to sort out whether you can stay together or, if not, how to part with minimum bad feelings.

mummytowillow Mon 29-Dec-08 23:29:21

I've found thanks!!

mummytowillow Mon 29-Dec-08 23:29:40

I mean I've found the thread!

Ronaldinhio Mon 29-Dec-08 23:30:19

What a terrible thing to happen. I'm so, so sorry for you and your family

I think that there are a number of issues
but firstly do you believe his story?
D'ya think he would honestly admit shagging this woman if he could get away without telling the truth on the matter. I'm sorry but my experience tells me and shows me that many men, unless actually caught in the act, pretend that their involvement was less than it actually was.
I'm not saying that this was actually the case but it's something that you need consider.
It doesn't sound like a little flirtation imho and for that I'm sad for you all.

I think that a relationship can recover from anything as long as both parties truly want to move forward from it and are scrupulously honest

Doodle2U Mon 29-Dec-08 23:34:37

"He is now horribly embarrased about his behaviour..."

Now he's been caught?! hmm

"He has deleted her number from his phone, promised he won't contact her...."

Now he's been caught? hmm

Funny how they always come over all contrite ONCE THEY'VE BEEN CAUGHT!

I'd throw him out TBH but then, I'm the least tolerant wife on Mnet I think.

mummytowillow Mon 29-Dec-08 23:38:03

Oh bloody hell, when I've sat reading your replies you can all see what I'm blind to, he is back peddling fast now I've caught him out, what a complete mess!

Ronaldinhio Mon 29-Dec-08 23:48:00

It might be nothing more than he has told you but you need to try to clearly evaluate what he has told you and the contributing factors.

Be honest and don't blame yourself or him unnecessarily.

Don't give too much or too little weight to the pnd. (in the sense that he could say you were a nightmare you could say he didn't support you when you needed him most)
Do you want to be with him?

Do you just not want to be on your own/ be a mum on your own?

Is it too much of a shock to do anything clearly right now except exist and try to let the dust settle?

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to start to have a proper sense of what is going on in your relationship and head. Your feeling and intuition will return and that is when you should act. Not now.

Well that's what I'd recommend I hope it helps

thumbwitch Mon 29-Dec-08 23:55:12

Really it's up to you - do YOU think YOU can trust him again? If he is such a quitter, what is he going to do next time something goes a bit awry, e.g. terrible 2s, another baby, etc etc. If his default reaction is to find comfort with another woman, then you might as well cut your losses now rather than go through all this again later.

If, otoh, he realises that he made the most monumental mistake and would NEVER do anything to risk losing his family again like that, then it is probably worth trying again but you should both go to marriage counselling to try and establish WHY it happened - just blaming you for having PND symptoms is NOT a good enough reason for him fecking off to another woman - it is down to his weakness of character and he needs to realise that. He had a CHOICE and he made the wrong one - that's what the "for better, for worse" bit of the marriage vows is all about really.

CeceliaAhern Tue 30-Dec-08 00:11:19

Give him a chance. He stood by you ( I know you were ill but the verbal abuse can't have been easy). Things have been difficult for both of you and whilst his flirtation was not acceptable I would be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt about its innocence. I think his head has just been turned at a difficult time. I hope you can work things out.

Molesworth Tue 30-Dec-08 00:20:26

I agree with CA: give him a chance. It sounds like the last year or so has been horrible for both of you. He shouldn't use your PND as an excuse for his bad behaviour, but at the same time it is bloody difficult to be the partner of someone who is depressed, because it can feel impossible to reach them. It can feel very lonely. I'm certainly not saying it is any easier for the depressed person. Living through that level of despair is hell.

Predictable I know but what about counselling?


inlawoutlaw Tue 30-Dec-08 01:30:26

Errm, he stood by her when she was ill and raising his baby daughter ???
I should think so , so no medals there.

I think its possible to recover from these things , but only if the partner who was unfaithfull is truly sorry and accepts full responsibility.
I would doubt that things have not gone further than he says , but the thing that would concern me most is his attempts to blame you.

Also within just a few days hes cruelly told you he doesnt love you anymore , called her and texted her but now hes been caught hes sorry and wont see her again ?
I would be very concerned that this will now go " underground " especially if they work together.

How long has this been going on for , has he said?

dollius Tue 30-Dec-08 06:34:04

I completely agree with inlawoutlaw. In fact he did NOT stand by you when you were very ill - he went off with someone else and then declared he didn't love you any more.
And most unforgiveably of all, he blamed you for his behaviour. This is the thing I find most intolerable in these men who have affairs - it's always the fault of the wife, isn't it?
And I second whoever pointed out that he has only come over all contrite because has been found out.
If you hadn't found out, do you really think he would have ended it? Be honest with yourself here.
If he had finished it before you found out, and if he had taken all the blame on himself immediately, then I would have some sympathy for him. But this is going to take a lot of work to get through.
I think you both need counselling - and he's got to be a willing participant.
This doesn't have to be the end, but he's got an awful lot of work to do to prevent it being the end - you cannot carry him through this.

Pheebe Tue 30-Dec-08 09:47:22

Hang on a minute, just why is all the blame being leveled at the husband on all this?? Based on the OP he has lived with an undiagnosed wife with PND for at least 10 months. UNDIAGNOSED!! As far as he was concerned its likely he thought he was living with someone who hated and despised him. Of course this isn't the OPs fault and resorting to an emotional affair was low and morally wrong but FGS try and have some empathy for the poor bloke!!!

OP, so glad you have been diagnosed and are getting the appropriate help now. What your DH has done is wrong but it does not have to be the end, clearly it was a reaction to the home environment at the time. Not your fault and a bad choice on his part. I would definitely recommend counseling, up to now your relationship has been strong right? Well, take what he says a face value, try hard not to punish him just as he must try hard not to punish you. You BOTH have alot to do to make get your relationship back on track.

jelliebelly Tue 30-Dec-08 09:53:33

I think some posters here are being overly harsh on the guy - yes it was a despicable thing to do BUT even with our limited knowledge of the situation from the OP it seems apparent that there are reasons why this may have happened - note I say reasons rather than excuses.

Surely both the OP and her dh should share some of the blame here - and I speak from experience - I discovered that my dh was having an affair 6 years ago. It became apparent that there were reasons why it had happened and after a period of living apart and a long period of counselling for him (he had lots of unresolved issues unrelated to our relationship as it turned out) we got back together and though it sounds corny we have a much stronger relationship now than we ever had before.

So in answer to the OP - if you both feel that the marriage is worth saving then it can be saved (and even improved) BUT it will not be easy and you both have to stop blaming each other.

inlawoutlaw Tue 30-Dec-08 17:22:00

Blame is being leveled at the husband because HE has been the one lying and sneaking about while while shes raising their young child. While home life might have been difficult im quite certain OP has had to put up with her own share of less than pefect behaviour from her husband without resorting to involving herself with someone else.

Mummytowillow , please dont allow him to blame this on you .

tazmosis Tue 30-Dec-08 18:21:30

Not read all the posts, but this doesn't seem to be black and white - if Op's behaviour has been as she described I imagine he has felt quite crap over the past 10 months - I know she has had PND but he didn't know that.

I think you need to think about marriage counselling as this will help to clear both your heads and get to the bottom of what has happened - you might decide that you don't want to continue the marriage, but you may decide that you do. Either way the counselling will help.

Pheebe Tue 30-Dec-08 19:02:44

"Blame is being leveled at the husband because HE has been the one lying and sneaking about while while shes raising their young child" What a typical sexist mn response. We have no idea from the OP whether he has been an involved parent to their child at all. The lying cheating part yes, but the assumption that he has been doing this at the expense of caring for their child and contributing to the house is just that an assumption.

Neither I nor the last couple of posters who have commented along the same lines have suggested that any blame be placed on the OP. Shared responsibility yes, blame no. Condemning the husband out of hand is unhelpful and certainly not constructive.

mummytowillow Tue 30-Dec-08 21:06:04

Thanks for your replies.

My husband has not neglected his duties as a father, he is a very hands on daddy and is also brilliant around the house! So no complaints there! He works shifts and has her on all his rest days, so is willing to do his bit.

As for the PND I have admitted I have been absolutely awful to him and he has had no idea why, just that I turned into this mad raving, irrational woman who was not the person he married, so he does deserve some credit for putting up with that!

However, I don't think that gives him the excuse to 'fall into the arms of another woman'. He also admitted that had I not 'found him out' then he was quite willing to lay the blame for our marriage problems at my door. sad Which in my books is a low thing to do!

Dollius - No I don't think he would have ended it as he genuinely believes that it wouldn't have gone any further, bull s--t! So it would still be going on now and I think would have progressed?

Inlawoutlaw - I have the same concerns as you, as he works with her, all be it distantly, I still have no clue whats going on?

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