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Why cant i put partner's affair behind me?

(19 Posts)
juicychops Sun 27-Mar-05 20:30:03

Things were quite bad between me and my partner towards the end of last year and he started going out lots and drinking lots. He sudden;y made a new friend 'Joe' who he spend a few nights round his...he had never spent a night apart from me in the 2 years we had been together. about a month later he admitted to having an affair with 'Jo' who turned out to be a girl. She is the sister of an old mate. She rang me and gave me loads of abuse sayin how ugly i am and no wonder he left me for her. We split up but continued living in the same house as i was 7 months pregnant and had no where else to go. He became very nasty towards me. He continued seeing her right under my nose for another few weeks until boxing day when they split up... she told him she was pregnant.
Our son was born in Jan and he begged me to take him back. I took him back (like a mug)but things got a lot better between us. I have spoken to 'Jo' since then because although i am sure she is making up the pregnancy, i really need to know for sure cos if she really is i don't know what i will do.
Although things are better between us, i can't get it all out of my head. i cry nearly every day and i have no self confidence what so ever. i can't trust him at all and whenever he goes out im worried he is with someone else. Because i kind of know the girl, every time my partner says something horrible to me or whenever i have a horrible thought about myself or put myself down, i automatically compare myself to 'Her' and she always comes out better and i think why is he with me? Just for our son? i don't know what to do to try and put it all behind me. its ripping me apart. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated. (sorry its so long)

helsi Sun 27-Mar-05 20:39:11

The lack of trust will not disappear over night. The image you had of your ptner has been shattered. This happened very recently and will take time to ease. You will never forget but you can (if you really want to) forgive. You haven't said if he has said if he is remorseful or even apologised about it or not. You also say "everytime he says something horrible to me" which makes me think he does it often. I know you love him but I will ask the question - is he really worth staying with if he puts you down? Why did he beg you to take him back? I really would advise that (for yours and baby's sake) it is not worth staying in an unloving relationship just for the sake of it of the sake of children. Children suffer more in the long run. You also seem to not have much confidence in yourself as you say you put yourself down. I will be blunt but the old cliche is right that if you don't like yourself first then no-one else will.

However (sorry to go on), I don't know you or him and therefore if you have both apologised and want it to work then please explain to him that it will take time and he should understand if you get a bit worried over things like when he goes out etc. He has to put the effort in too. If you both want it to work then it will. Good luck.

Socci Sun 27-Mar-05 20:39:51

Message withdrawn

mummytosteven Sun 27-Mar-05 20:50:29

sorry you are having such a rough time juicyshops. it sounds like you don't trust him as far as you could throw him,and he's being nasty to you atm, so is staying with him making you happier than being without him?

juicychops Sun 27-Mar-05 20:53:45

I do love him and i know he really loves me but he is just very insensitive and takes the piss a lot about things i hate about myself like my ears and weight etc as a joke. He hates himself for what he has done and has appologised for it and tried to make it up. But he doesn't understand that i can't just forgive and forget over night. He thinks that cos he has appologised and has tried to make it up that its all ok. He's right when he says he can't keep saying sorry forever and its not like i can tell him to never go out with his mates ever again. I just wish we could pack up and move away to start again. Half his frined knew what was going on before i did which makes me feel like an even bigger mug, and everyone knows what wsa going on now which makes me feel like everyone is laughing at me! I started keeping a diary at the start of the year to see if that helps but i just end up writing horrible things about myself every single day. How can i rebuild my self confidence? i must feel like a right sad case!

mummytosteven Sun 27-Mar-05 20:57:44

how often does he take the mick about stuff that upsets you?

just thinking that he is making it very hard for you to restore your confidence in yourself and your relationship if he's doing that sort of thing? IIRC you have a very young baby, so it really is appalling insensitive of him to go on about your weight.

helsi Sun 27-Mar-05 21:00:22

You are not a sad case at all - don't EVER think that. You will feel embarrassed about his friends knowing before you did, but imagine how they will have felt. It must have been embarrassing/awkward for them too. They will probably have hated being in that position. No-one will be laughing at you. I am sorry if I seem a bit blunt but I care about what you have said so far and I am worried that you may be a bit depressed (possibly post natal? as you say you have a young baby?). The situation won't have helped but you ask how you can build your confidence.
I have suffered with depression for a while but post natal depression was diagnosed late in me (when dd was nearly 2). I went to doctor and spoke about my feelings about dh and myself and he referred me to a councillor - nothing heavy just someone to talk to and she taught me ways of dealing with issues and thinking through things and positive ways to look at myself. (hard to explain in this bit of text) but very good.
I really think you need to talk to someone about this even with or without dp knowing.

juicychops Sun 27-Mar-05 21:05:53

It feels like he takes the mick all the time. Sometimes its nothing but i take it to heart. I know im not fat... ive lost all my fat and gone back down to a size 10 but i just feel fat and unattractive and my boobs are just rubbish and when he makes comments (like all blokes do) about skinny gorgeous celebs and models it just makes me want to hide. The only time i feel good about myself is when i go out clubbing with my mate and thats only cos drinking gives me confidence. I only go out once every 1-2 weeks cos i dont want to end up drinking lots as i have an adictive nature. my DS is 10 weeks old and i feel so bad sometimes for feeling down cos he is such a little happy sole... he cheers me up. My partner doesnt really do much in the way of helping... He just says he is too tire or that he cant do it cos he is a rubbish dad. He's a great dad when he actually tries. I think that is half the problem; im just a bit lonely

helsi Sun 27-Mar-05 21:09:08

where do you live? Maybe you could arrange a meet up with other mumsnetters in your area?

juicychops Sun 27-Mar-05 21:13:41

I live in Dartford. Ive started a thread in meet-ups but i don't think there was anyone close by

helsi Sun 27-Mar-05 21:14:50

want me to start another - I'm sure we'd be successful.

tammybear Sun 27-Mar-05 21:15:55

is it possible for you to maybe have some space from him? perhaps difficult with the baby, but to me it sounds like you havent had a chance to figure out what you really want, especially if he was still living at home whilst you split. i wanted to send you (((hugs))) anyhow, although i dont have any real great advice. xxx

juicychops Sun 27-Mar-05 21:23:22

Yeah, we should start a new search for mums in dartford thread. After we split i was dying to just get away especially as they were still seeing eachother and i had to listen to phone calls etc. The last couple of weeks i have felt the need to get away for a few days. i saw 'her' a couple of weeks ago and since then it has all re-surfaced. I'd take DS with me. Just need a bit of breathing space and i think he could do with it too... time for us both to remember how much we mean to each other. any ideas for a short CHEAP break away? i wouldn't want to stay with family or friends

juicychops Sun 27-Mar-05 21:23:54

and thanks for the hugs tammybear

helsi Sun 27-Mar-05 21:25:16

right will do it now....watch this space.

tammybear Sun 27-Mar-05 21:25:43

thats ok juicychops. but i know how hard it is to love someone and then see them in a completely different light. i hope you can figure out whats best for you, and of course your baby. xxx

helsi Sun 27-Mar-05 21:27:24

DONE!

juicychops Sun 27-Mar-05 21:30:30

Ahh, thanx helsi. just read it. Hopefully it will find some local mums

helsi Sun 27-Mar-05 21:32:48

if not tonight then I will continue quest tomorrow and will bump the thread. We will find you some new people to meet don't worry.

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