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Husband left in a rage. Don't know what to do

(20 Posts)
gloriaaa Mon 22-Dec-08 18:19:42

My husband stormed out a few hours' ago in a rage and I really don't know what to do.
We have a 3 year old DS and 2 year old DD and he had taken from Friday off until the new year so that we could have some good family time which was also to include things like trying to embark on potty training etc.
We had his parents around on Saturday, then he announced at the last minute on Saturday night that 5 friends were coming for dinner and would potentially stay the night which meant I had to do a massive tidy up and make all the beds. Luckily they did not spend the night as we went to see some friends of his for lunch/ tea yesterday and of course I had to do all of the looking after children again. He woke up at 11 this morning and spent the whole time doing his tax returns. When I told him that there was a huge list of things to do before the family came for xmas and that it would also be nice to have some time together as a family he stormed off and drove the car away saying he was going to his parents as he had had enough of me. He did not take his glasses which he usually wears for driving so I am worried about that. I put the phone down on his mother when she told me that she thought we were always arguing and that we did not communicate - all I wanted from her was some nice advice.
We love one another very much (I think) but the past few months have been very difficult. He has been extremely stressed at work as a lot of people were recently made redundant and I have had a lot of work here as our 3 year old has an 18 month language delay (being seen by various therapists) and gets very frustrated when we can't understand what he is saying and spends most of his day screaming and crying. I have no help so look after the children on my own (husband leaves at 6.30am and returns at 9pm) and was really looking forward to a bit of a break or at least sharing the childcare with my husband.I have not taken the children out yet today as I am feeling so down and don't really feel Christmasey with husband having stormed out. It was the 20th anniversary of my father's death two days ago and not once did my husband ask how I was feeling or talk to me about my father.
I don't dare call him or his parents now as i am so angry but am starting to worry. He was meant to be meeting some friends in London tonight and I don't know whether I should call them to see if they have heard from him. What should I do? I have been crying a lot but don't want to call anyone as it is Christmas and everyone is ion a good mood and I don't want to put a downer on them feeling the way I am.
Sorry for the long message but starting to get worried.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer Mon 22-Dec-08 18:21:44

Worried about what ??

That you appear to be one child down for the time being.???

Rejoice, rejoice.

BellsCarolsNSleighs Mon 22-Dec-08 18:26:22

sort out dc's and head them to bed.. get a box of choccies out and watch a good film or read a book you've been meaning to.

don't worry about him he's a big oy and he'll sort himself out

solidgoldprawnring Mon 22-Dec-08 18:27:37

Enjoy being free of him for a bit, and when he comes back (which he will when he's hungry or needs clean pants or fancies sex) sit him down and tell him that it's about time he started acting like a grown up, and that you are neither his servant nor his property. And the next time he springs unexpected guests on you, he gets to do the bedmaking and cooking.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights Mon 22-Dec-08 18:28:43

I would hesitate to contact his friends as he may feel you are checking up on him.

Sort the kids out tobed, feed yourself and tell yourself you are having an evening of your own choosing. He will come home when he is ready and has calmed down.

MrsSeanBean Mon 22-Dec-08 18:36:16

Don't worry, some men will react like this. Sounds like a bit of an over-reaction from him tbh.

gloriaaa Mon 22-Dec-08 18:43:07

I am just worried he may do something stupid and really worried that he won't come home. This is not what I planned for Christmas. Family is coming over from the US and France to spend Christmas with us.
I am going to get the children to bed and open a bottle of wine but will get really worried if he is not back in the morning. Plus he has invited his sister over tomorrow. Basically all the time that we were meant to have of us and the children is over and when and if he comes back we are going to have loads of family around. Why do men not communicate?

wrapstar Mon 22-Dec-08 18:44:38

I would say this is a very big deal. yOu would never just storm out like a teenager as you take responsibility for the children. What a hurtful and horrible way to behave! You must feel very sad and angry. I think this is totally unacceptable behaviour. I don't know if I'd see a way back from this, but would he consider counselling?

MrsSeanBean Mon 22-Dec-08 18:45:22

Did he give you any indication he wasn't coming back though? Has he done this type of thing before?

If you are worried you could call the friends who may be more impartial than mil.

savoycabbage Mon 22-Dec-08 18:48:44

He has probably gone to have a good moan to his mother and then to meet his friends. It sounds like you had different expectations of your day today. He wanted to get the tax returns out of the way and you wanted some help.

Anna8888 Mon 22-Dec-08 18:50:55

He sounds very unreasonable. But your (joint) life circumstances also sound very stressful indeed.

I think you need to wait on this, and when he returns/makes contact, you need to suggest that the two of you see a marriage guidance counsellor ASAP.

EBenes Mon 22-Dec-08 19:11:31

This is what I think. He could have behaved a lot better and he has been rude to you and left you in the lurch a lot here. But blokes really do get stressed about work (I know they don't have the world rights on this) and seem less able to cope with the idea of not being able to 'provide' for their family - I know it sounds ridiculous and archaic, but I've seen a lot of nice blokes lose it a bit over this kind of thing. These are stressful times. Because you love him and are so sure he loves you, I'd say give him an easy ride. It's tempting to make sure he knows he's been bad, but chances are, he does already and will be amazed if you're nice to him rather than giving him the bollocking he might deserve. It's advice I find hard to follow myself, but if you can do it, well, more tension and angriness doesn't make anyone feel better. Of course if he takes your kindness as licence to go on being an idiot, let him have it with both barrels. And he'll be fine, stop worrying.

Acinonyx Mon 22-Dec-08 19:37:18

My main advice is DO NOT potty train over Xmas. We are doing this, having started 4 weeks ago and still very stressful. If you think things are tense now - just don't do it - leave to the NY!

nannynick Mon 22-Dec-08 19:46:36

As a bloke, I wonder if my view on things would be handy.

I'm concerned that he was doing his tax return today. Why did he decide to do it today, rather than after Xmas... has something been playing on his mind that has spurred him on to complete it. Did he finish it? Is he concerned about money? Is he perhaps concerned that there isn't the money to pay tax due?
He did tell you where he was going, which is better than just saying 'out'. With luck he will go to his parents and have a good moan to them and they may be able to get him to think about what is troubling him and how to resolve it.
I doubt that his parents would give you nice advice. Probably best not to call them again. Instead call your own relatives & friends for moral support.

Re your 3 year old - have you posted on the Special Needs board? The regular posts on that board can have great suggestions for how to help with things like language difficulties. For example, have you tried using PECS (with luck a therapist will have already suggested that)?

Always take children out for a walk every day, even if it's just for a walk around the block. It's good for you and them to get out in fresh air for a bit. I've worked with children for nearly 20 years now and I really hate being suck indoors (such as when a child is too ill to go out). I find that even a short walk, is better than none at all.

As a man, I tend to easily forget dates - such as Birthday's, Anniversary's etc. I have to have dates written in my diary, to keep me reminded of them. Therefore I am not surprised that your DH forgot about the 20th anniversary of your father's death. If he did remember, he may not have wanted to talk to you about your father encase he upset you.

Look after yourself and your children. You and they are your priority.

Make sure you have eaten tonight - make yourself something you like, something easy - Omelette with Beans on Toast for example, followed by a bar of chocolate or whatever your favourite comfort food is.

Try to get some sleep tonight. Once children are in bed (with luck they are already) and you have eaten, then try to relax... run a warm bath, cup of coco... and get some rest. Then you will be able to cope better tomorrow - when his sister arrives (perhaps she can then establish where he is, if he's coming back etc).

TheBayingBanshee Mon 22-Dec-08 19:50:39

I agree with nannynick. Most of my worst arguments with my dh have occured because he has been really worrying about something (usually money) and not found the courage to talk to me about it so picks a fight over something meaningless.

DivaSkyChick Mon 22-Dec-08 20:34:44

I think I need a nannynick in my life!

nannynick Mon 22-Dec-08 20:39:21

I'm single and available you know grin - single mums welcome wink

gloriaaa - hope you have managed to get some rest this evening and that you are able to talk with your husband tomorrow. Do post an update when you can, always nice to hear how things turn out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 22-Dec-08 20:59:21

ewww, nannynick, you just blotted your copybook shock

Molly100 Mon 22-Dec-08 22:25:05

gloriaaa, you have my deepest sympathies, I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Guess what, my DH stormed out in a rage tonight also!! God they are so pathethic. I hope you have a good outcome for myself, I would wish the same but somehow I think this is the calm before the storm IYSWIM

gloriaaa Mon 22-Dec-08 23:45:15

He texted me to tell me he was going up to London to see his friends and funnily enough I got no response to my telling him to stay there as his priorities were obviously with friends as opposed to family and to come back when he felt he could spend time as a family.
So I have spent virtually the whole day looking after the children and feel very disappointed that he could be so mean and selfish and not spend time with us in the lead up to Christmas.
As far as counselling is concerned I don't know when we would be able to do it and if we are able to get any free counselling. His job is mostly commission-only so he feels he has to spend the whole time at work as I am not earning. So he does not come home until 9pm.
I can't believe that he is being such a shit so close to Christmas. The poor children need him so much as they hardly see him and the one break that he had seems to have been filled up with all his friends.
Thanks Nannynick. I had a lovely dinner with good TV and am about to go and have a bath but I really miss my husband. The good times with him are amazing and the bad times are as dark as they come.

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