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Am I being unreasonable??

(4 Posts)
Jenice Sun 21-Dec-08 01:17:17

Been with my DP for over 2 years and we have a DS 4 months old.

Before I got pregnant we discussed getting engaged and he put in place savings to get me the perfect ring. He was renting a house and I was living with a relative. Our relationship was great and we did lots of things together while holding onto our separate interests. I felt really lucky to have found this great man who would arrive with flowers randomly and do so many other romantic things after a long run of disappointments. He made it very obvious that he loved me heaps.

In January I discovered I was pregnant and didn't really know how I felt about the whole thing as my hormones were all over the place and I was terrified. Me being me I found it difficult to discuss my anxieties with him as I was unsure of how he felt about it all. I made my mind up a couple of nights later when I was pretending to be asleep cos I couldn't be bothered to talk to him when I felt so confused and he whispered to me 'night night love you both'. Knowing he was happy about it I felt much happier about it all.

In April we found a house to buy and set all the wheels in motion for this. Life was great and we had so much to look forward to. The weekend before we were going to get the keys he went on a boys day out in the local town and got very drunk. Later that night I was driving through the town and saw him crossing the road ahead of me with a young woman hot on his heels heading into a car park. I felt sick and turned into the car park to see them going behind a parked van. I got out of the car and confronted the two of them. She ran away and he stood there with his head in his hands. I didn't scream and shout but instead told him to get into the car and we would deal with it when he was sober as he was struggling to see in front of himself. I put him home and went home myself feeling dreadful and completely gutted nearly 5 months pregnant.

Normally I wouldn't have forgiven this but I had my child to think about and loved him. The next day I gave him the opportunity to get out of the relationship with the promise not to blame him to anyone or tell anyone what really happened and let him see his child whenever he wanted. He said this was not what he wanted and he had just been really drunk but he still loved me. He promised that he wouldn't drink so much again to get into the state where he didn't know what he was doing. I agreed that we would try and get our relationship back to normal and haven't told a soul about it until now.

I wasn't ready to get engaged anymore and when he wanted to go for a weekend to a tournament I told him to use the money he had been saving for a ring as he didn't have other money.

The rest of my pregnancy was a nightmare with rashes and a bad back. I was flown air ambulance at 33 weeks to a special hospital as I was threatening early labour which was a false alarm. Eventually I had my DS a month early in our local hospital after a 71 hour labour. From the moment I had him I felt an overwhelming feeling of love.

The problem now is that I want us to get engaged now and married soon but he doesn't have the money for a ring and when we talk about it he says I want to rush everything and that he can't afford it because he wants to have a life as well. This is really important to me as it will complete our family and if it was something that was important to him I would sacrifice whatever I had to to make it happen.

I feel like the only good thing in my life is my DS. I put on 5 stone while pregnant and hate what I see when I look in the mirror although I am trying hard to lose the weight. I don't want to socialise in case I meet people I know who would think how fat I am. My days consist of housework, watching TV and nothing else. I don't have time for anything else and hate leaving my DS with anyone for any significant period of time as he is my responsibility and I miss him even though I have loads of family nearby who are more than willing to help.

I'm driving myself nuts with analysing why he wont make sacrifices for me and wondering if I would be better without him. I think I'm losing my mind! Any advice??

Simplysally Sun 21-Dec-08 01:29:42

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this. Have you spoken to to your GP or HV about how you feel? Lots of women put on weight when they are pg so don't be ashamed of that.

I'm not sure getting married is the answer if he is reluctant to do this at the mo - you must feel very frustrated about this after he was saving for a ring but it's no guarantee of anything.

Someone else with more ideas will probably be along soon.

juicyjolly Sun 21-Dec-08 01:40:43

Why is having an engagement ring so important to you?
Do you think your partner still wants to marry?
Are you sure you still want to marry him, or is it the idea of marraige.....being a proper family iynwim, that you want?

thumbElf Sun 21-Dec-08 01:59:43

yes - don't make any rash decisions at this point while your hormones are still rampaging all over the place.

You are possibly reacting to the hormones as well when you want to "make a family" for your DS (although this is a perfectly reasonable thing to want).

If it's meant to happen it will. The timescale is less important than the outcome, so ease off a bit - pressuring your DP at this stage could be counter-productive.

No judgment involved, but are you bf'ing? I believe you are not advised to actively try and lose weight if you are bf'ing. If not, then go walking lots - even in bad weather, it will be good for your general health, your weight and your DS. Not preaching and I know you didn't ask for advice on this but it seems to be tied in a bit with the other stuff.

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