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DS1 massively favours daddy, anyone else have this? Finding it hard not to get hacked off...

(22 Posts)
bohemianbint Tue 16-Dec-08 17:55:30

I look after DS1 (28m) & 2 (3.5m) full time. DH works and sees DS1 a couple of hours in the week but home at weekends. So obviously I see that there's a novelty thing and I'm always there being bad cop, but lately it's awful.

just tonight he's had a strop because he wanted a drink. I gave it to him, but he won't take it from me, only DH, and would rather go without than take it from me. I find it so galling when its me who does everything! Can't write more right now as have only one free hand, but does this happen often, or does he really not like me? I feel like he doesn't most of the time and I'm finding that hard at the mo. vEven when I try to make sure we get some QT together he doesn't seem that arsed. Have I fucked it all up already?!!

Xavielli Tue 16-Dec-08 18:07:20

2 and a half is "Daddy age". Mine have both done it. No matter that with DS Daddy was here all day the same as me and that with DD he didn't live with us. Its just the age they were when they thought he was the absolute bees knees!!

He will soon move into the Grandma/Grampy phase.

I'm holding out in the hope that one day, maybe when they are washing their own filthy cloths, that it will be "Mummy phase".

Xavielli Tue 16-Dec-08 18:11:04

P.S If its any consolation it makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong but I guess they just get used to us always being there so they have no need to be over the top with mummy. Would be nice tho....

bohemianbint Tue 16-Dec-08 18:12:36

Ah. Ok. Glad to hear it's a phase, and possibly not because am strict evil mum. I wondered if it was a boy thing? That's the great thing about DS2, he still needs me for my boobs and is quite charming in general. grin

seeker Tue 16-Dec-08 18:20:50

My ds has been a complete Daddy's Boy since he was 11 months old. To the extent - I kid you not - that as soon as he realized that Dad could give him bottles he self weaned practically instantly! He's still like it at 7.

He once looked into my eyes and said "I love you mummy" I obviously melted - but before I could say anything he went on "But I love Daddy, Grace (hie big sister) and the kittens more"!

I feel a bit sad about it sometimes, but remember that it's really good for boys to have a good relationship with their dads. And it means you'll never have to take him to football - your dp will have to spend every Saturday morning standing in the freezing cold at the edge of a football pitch while you stay at home in the warm!

WinkyWinkola Tue 16-Dec-08 18:23:12

I have this situation. I truly used to think it was DS was like an animal who could sense good and bad people and he'd caught me out. Freakshow!

Anyway, ever since DS was 5 months old (he's now 3 and a half), he made his preference clear. He'll only have his dad strap into his car seat, brush his teeth, read his stories, hold his hand, comfort him if he falls etc. And he'll throw a total wobbly if I offer to instead.

I was utterly crushed by it. But it's not changed and I've got used to it.

My DD loves us both in the way that one would expect That has gone some way to reassure me that I'm not a bad person and that perhaps you know what, it's ok to take shine to another person like DS has.

I know your DS loves you. It's because he's small and doesn't really know the subtle differences between liking, loving and adoration. My DS says he sometimes loves me and sometimes loves his daddy as if he can't love us both at the same time. He probably thinks he must show loyalty to his dad all the time.

It's important that you're consistent, calm and loving despite what preferences your DS shows. He needs you just as much as he needs his dad. He just doesn't think he does. He may have got it into his head that because you are at home most of the time, it means his dad can't be. You know how children can think things.....

Plus otherwise it could work out that he creates a divide and rule situation when he sees how hurt you are. My DS did this too until I figured out that it was important not to let him see how hurt I was by his preference.

It's true that we all expect kids to want their mums when they're hurt or upset but children all skew our expectations!

Take care and bear up. I know exactly what it feels like and it does get better not least because you develop a thicker skin.

bohemianbint Tue 16-Dec-08 18:35:28

Thank you for your lovely posts, Winky and seeker. I'm currently swinging from feeling a bit injured about it to indignation (I've got the frickin' stretchmarks ffs!) I suppose there are pros to the situation. I wonder if DS2 will be the same?

3littlefrogs Tue 16-Dec-08 18:43:22

It is normal, and may or may not be a boy thing. All mine were like it at this age.

hockeypuck Tue 16-Dec-08 18:44:26

I know exactly how you feel as my DS (29 months) is doing this at the moment. He had a tantrum the other day because he thought he was going out in Daddy's blue car without me and I went too (only so DH could drop me off somewhere on his way out to park with DS). I was devastated that he felt like that just about the possibility of me spending some time with them together. I'm assured that it is a phase. In fact in the last week or so, he has been ok with me on my own and cuddled me a bit more, though still preferring Daddy when given the choice. When I went to work last week he said "No mummy, don't go, my miss you when you working" and I was so overcome I can't even tell you. Hopefully the start of a change.

Luckily for me DD makes up for it. She is 6 1/2 and said to me in the car today. "Mummy, I do love Daddy and DS very much indeed, but I love you more, I've been thinking about it for some time and wondering why and then I realised today why I love you more. It's because I lived in your tummy so I have known you longer than anyone else" I melted at that!

I'm sure that your DS will come through the other side of this and that your DS2 will continue to think you're the business! Good Luck.

kerala Tue 16-Dec-08 18:45:16

Well its not a boy thing. I have this with dd1 (also 28 months). Its been like this since she has been able to express a preference. Everything is daddy daddy daddy - to the extent that when he is around I am totally ignored. She banged her head at the weekend while playing with me and ran to him! That really hurt.

Trying to develop a thicker skin. I think its because I am around all the time as DH works long hours. Also when he does look after her he gives her his utter full attention - something I cant realistically do day in day out with chores to do and being pregnant/now have newborn.

When its just the 2 of us she is fine, cheerful and loving. Hoping its just a phase but its gone on for ages.

littleboyblue Tue 16-Dec-08 18:48:53

You haven't fucked anything up at all. Like you say, your ds only sees his dad a fraction of the time that he sees you for. My ds (16m) is the same, when his dad comes home you can almost read it on his face, like he's thinking "There's my dad, see you later. loser"
TBH, I'm quite happy about it as it shows ds doesn't need me to be ok and it frees me up a bit for new baby.
It'll pass, maybe it's a first born thing? You know, instinctively go to dad so mum can sort out baby? Have been thinking that lately as I am 1st born and so much closer to my dad, same with dp.....

leoleomakingalist Tue 16-Dec-08 20:35:25

My ds was like this and it has started to wear off slightly as he has realised that daddy is lazier than mummy wink.

A big tip is daddy should never say let mummy do it he should try 'I don't want to..(read to you, get you a drink whatever)' and leave the child to go to mummy for whatever it is.

I saw that on mumsnet before I think we used it and it helped as ds never had to say no I don't want mummy.

I totally believe it is novelty. Good luck.

HaventSleptForAYear Tue 16-Dec-08 21:08:04

Oh god we so had this with DS1 (now 4).

It came in v. useful when I had DS2 but really got to me before that - I was SO hurt by him always running to Daddy (as soon as he could walk basically) and I secretly thought I'd failed to bond with him or was a crap mother.

Now DS2 won't have anyone but me, so sometimes I laugh in glee, especially when DH gets frustrated (he used to tell me to chill and stop imagining things with DS1).

I hate the separation in the family though and am (almost!) tempted to have a third DC just to shake things up hmm

Mizza76 Tue 16-Dec-08 21:36:33

I am so glad to see this thread - my daughter (2.5) is really explicit about her preference for my husband, just today she told me she wanted her dad to take her out of her carseat, not me, and cried when she was told I was giving her a bath - not him. I have also wondered what I'm doing wrong and maybe whether the fact that he took over a lot of the childcare responsibilites after I was recovering from my recent c-section has a lot to do with it.... And now my second daugher - just two months old - is smiling for him but not for me!! But maybe I've just become paranoid... LOL

tryingherbest Tue 16-Dec-08 22:08:20

Oh bloody hell - I have this and it HURTS. DS will say I don't want mummy and really tries to play us off against each other. My dh does nothing with him, zilch, nada, niente and I run myself ragged making up for it. So I am peeved - but now relieved it's perfectly normal.

Lets just hope their daddies can live up to their high expectations eh?

LilRedWG Tue 16-Dec-08 22:11:41

DD is two and a half and just like this, although this morning it was Mummy she called, "Mummy help" from our bedroom and when I went in said, "Cuddle" and wrapped her arms around me and held on tight - it was wonderful, perhaps moreso because it is normally Daddy that gets such attention.

I really do think it stems from her being with me 24/7 and DH working away/long hours.

LilRedWG Tue 16-Dec-08 22:12:08

BTW - if I'd answered this thread yesteday I would have cried and said that DD hates me.

SnowballsintheSky Tue 16-Dec-08 22:16:27

DD is 11mo and has been like this for months. She's totally fine with me during the day but once she hears the front door go, that's the last I see of her. Until I come up to bed that is, when she refuses to sleep anywhere else but in my armpit. hmm I really get the good bits...

babylovessanta Tue 16-Dec-08 22:35:48

It is the same in my house. Both my DC favour Daddy - I am SAHM. I defintley think it is novelty. I do get a bit sad sometimes but TBH I find it a positive thing and comes in handy too!

bohemianbint Wed 17-Dec-08 09:49:29

LilRedWG - sad !

Here's the strange thing though - DS1 messes DH about something chronic, and while he messes me about too, he will generally do as he's told eventually where he won't for DH. For example if he has a tantrum in the night he just won't settle for DH but if I go in and tell him to stop screaming and tell me what the matter is, he will, and he'll let me sort it, and then he'll go back to sleep.

I don't know whether to take this as a sign that he thinks I'm a scary bitch? Or that DH's a soft touch? hmm

LilRedWG Wed 17-Dec-08 12:08:32

He knows his limits with you - you are the one constant thing in his life.

In his mind, he knows that his Mummy will never ever leave him, no matter how much he pushes her away or rejects her. He is also testing boundaries and who better to do it with than you - as I said before, he is so confident of your love for him that he feels safe enough to try stuff out.

He also knows EXACTLY how far he can push you, so when you go into him at night he knows when it's better to do as he is told and settle back down, whereas with his dad he's trying to see how long he can stay up for - does any of this make sense?

And finally - toddlers know exactly which buttons to push and when, at least DD does. Can you tell I saw my counsellor last night? wink

Lemontart Wed 17-Dec-08 12:13:34

My girls have switched "sides" frequently grin and little to do with DH or I. Upset DH a lot when DD1 would only ever let me comfort her when little. Got to be a real issue for a while. Now DD1 is a real daddy’s girl and DD2 is a mummy’s girl.
I agree with LilRedWG - I think children do push you when they feel safe in knowing you will still be there for them and will not reject them. Novelty factor is also a point - he sees you all day long and daddy only now and again.
Try not to read too much into it as it really is not personal, nothing to do with love and a lot to do with attention.

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