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Advice please- I think I am heading for a meltdown

(6 Posts)
confusionreigns Wed 23-Mar-05 16:10:40

hello mumsnetters
I have changed my name for this post because everything has got so complicated. I am sorry it is such a long one - at times it sounds like an episode of Desperate housewives.
DH moved out several months ago - very unhappy in marriage as was I - could not stand to stay any longer. Also confessed to relationship with other woman. His words: "I got to know her, became friends, had sex twice but felt too guilty to have affair, she got boyfriend, kept being friends, developed feelings for her, she split from boyfriend, rejected me,I am very upset" At which point he left me. We are separated but not finished - still love each other but so much pain and anger do not know how to go back. Have seen each other quite a lot, mainly with DD too, and had some good times. But we have tried very hard to be kind to each other at those times, and avoided talking about any of the bad stuff. We are going to counselling to see if we can make it work, or agree to make it more permanent. I do not know which I want.
I went to pieces for the first few weeks after he left. Rock bottom was after he lied to me about going away for a weekend. Spent it with her, then for some reason, confessed all to me 2 days later. After that I slowly started to look after me a bit, as well as DD. Started running, lost some weight, started going out more with girlfriends etc. Tried not to think about dh and me until conselling starts which is next month. After a few weeks of this started to feel alive again in everyway including getting my sex drive back. Marriage has been sexless for years!
Cue the desperate housewives bit. Agree with DH that, since we may split finallly, and since the house is a tip, we will spend a bit of the bonus he got on redecorating some of it. In walks very nice, friendly, easy to chat to decorator. We chat, we drink coffee, he stands too close to me, we flirt. After three weeks of this, I come back from end of term, we are relocating after 20 years, lunchtime party, having had a couple of glasses of wine He has finished the job and has had a beer, the next thing we are almost in bed! Except that I do not want to have sex with someone I don't know very well, never mind all the "Am I only doing this to get back at my husband, make myself feel better" thoughts. But neither does this guy, who says he has never done anything like this before, and would rather get to know me, walk in the park, hold hands etc, before doing anything else. So we end up having dinner, at which point DH turns up (DD is out at a sleepover) throws him out, and accuses me of full blown affair.
That was just over a week ago. Since then DH and me have been through the mill several times. He has ranted at me, and told me I am the love of his life. I do not know want I want from him, I just feel very confused, hurt, angry, etc etc
As for the other guy we have seen each other a couple of times for a walk, coffee, chat. I know he is not someone I would want to be with longterm. But the affection and tenderness he is offering is so appealing. Uncomplicated. But if I see him I have to lie and lie and lie, which is not the way I want to behave. And if DH knew I was seeing him, even though he continues, I think, to see this other woman, he would think it means I have given up on the marriage. Just writing it all down makes me feel so anxious and so sad. DD is an only, and we have always been very close, but, perhaps because she senses that the crunch is very close, she is quite clingy. I would love some time on my own, not just when she is at school, but a couple of days away where no one knows me, just to sit and think.
Any way I shall stop now because this is already far longer than I intended. Does anyone have any advice? I really need some.

secretregular Wed 23-Mar-05 16:17:18

Wow, tough one. To break it down simply though. You know you wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life with the decorater you said. I don't think its worth getting involved TBH. It might make you feel better in the short term and he's clearly fulfiling a need, but it will just give you complications you need. You need to sort out your marriage and how you feel about it. Counselling is a great idea, you can work through it together. You need to find out if DH is still seeing the other woman. You said you suspected it. If he is he's not playing fair. If he wants the counselling he needs to end it. how can you find out for sure?

confusionreigns Wed 23-Mar-05 16:23:37

Thanks secret regular
You are right about not needing the complications. But it's hard not to give in- maybe I'm hoping that someone will give me permission to do so.
I do not know how I can find out for sure if DH is still seeing this other woman. I do not even know who she is, and private detectives are not really my thing.

secretregular Wed 23-Mar-05 16:33:22

didn't he give you any information at all when he confessed? some clue you could go on? why do you suspect he is still seeing her? If he told you days after he had spent the weekend with her, it doesn't sound like he could pretend to want to patch things up and go through possibly traumatic counselling and still see her.

lou33 Wed 23-Mar-05 17:00:13

Is he serious about trying to save your marriage while he is still seeing someone else? That's like having your cake and eating it

Obviously there are problems within your marriage, and it is good that you are facing up to it, and trying to work out what you want to do.

This man has obviously sparked something in you that needs fulfilling, and i think you need to decide if your dh is able or willing to make you feel the same way. I don't know how he can expect to keep seeing this woman, who seems to have quite some bearing on your relationship breakdown, and expect to keep his marriage. I also think you need to decide if you feel it is worth salvaging or not, and maybe this new man is the step towards a new life, which could leave you happier in yourself, even if it was not a long term relationship

don't suppose that was any help at all, but good luck x

justamom Fri 25-Mar-05 02:15:26

does he want you now that you have found someone else? was he expecting you just to cry and rant and raive forever? damned men!!! all the same.... ...Do what makes you happy...what does dd want...was he even willing to talk while you were still married....only you know what to do...and until you are really ready to move on,,,,will you move on....move on girl...

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